Damaged

"Well, how long did you do it?"

"Since the beginning of freshman year."

"That's not that long. It's not like you were doing it for years."

"There were five of them. I counted," he suddenly confessed.

"That's still not that much. Some sex workers have thousands of clients. And some normal college kids hook up every couple of days. Their body count is sky-high."

"The sixth was the man who r***d me..."

I swallowed and looked aside.

"And... normal... guys? You know? Boyfriends?"

Jay looked at the wall, avoiding my gaze. "I've never had a boyfriend."

I gasped. "What? In the Grindr era? Are there any gay guys who don't use that?!"

"I hate Grindr. Never used it."

I started to understand what Malachite was saying... It looked like Jay was not interested in having boyfriends and casual sex at all.

"Are you serious? Why did you say you have a healthy sex life... I thought you were hooking up, like many gay people do."

He winced. "I don't. It doesn't matter. I've never had a boyfriend! That situation, what happened, happened at the beginning of my senior year in high school. I was miserable because of it. I had one girlfriend before, but we did not have sex because I suspected already I was gay. After... the situation, I lost interest in dating. I decided to work as an escort when I was already here at campus. I kinda did not care anymore what happened to me. They could use my body, as he did. I switched off my feelings. I was just a hole for them."

I went silent for a long time, deeply saddened by what he told me, but I was never good at consoling people. I just never could find the right words.

So I said, " Fuck. That sucks, man... Really sucks. But maybe you should try to find a normal boyfriend? Or just... you know. Hookup with other gay people, to... have a taste of normal life? You are still young. You deserve some fun."

"I don't want to."

"Why?"

"Because... it's none of your business!"

He suddenly got angry again and looked aside.

I sighed. "Hey, don't do that again, Jay."

"What?!" He snarled.

"Don't get angry all of a sudden. Don't shut me up like that, don't push me away, Jay..."

He closed his eyes for a second and looked at me again.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to talk about it, Hudson. It's all... fairly fresh. I'm not sure what my future will be like. I do not want to talk about it or think, as it makes me so... angry."

I squeezed his hand again. Curiously, even when he got annoyed, he did not let go of my hand.

"But... will you let me be your friend at least? You can always talk to me, and trust I will keep your secrets. I will always listen."

He stared at me.

"Why? Why are you so fucking nice all the time?"

I felt a treacherous blush on my cheeks.

"Anybody would be! You went through something horrible. I believe every normal person would want to help you, to support you. It's just a human... thing."

And again, he got angry, typical Jay.

"I don't want your pity, Hudson! I told you already."

"But I'm offering friendship, not pity!" I said in a bit of an irritated tone of voice. He really was super guarded!

Jay eyed me and tightened his lips, obviously thinking intensely.

After quite a long time... he finally slowly nodded! And I felt the change was coming. Something between us cleared out.

"Okay. That I can take." It was a true capitulation on his side.

I smiled and squeezed his hand even harder.

And so it began.

The second round... of us.

This time was very different.

I cared for him for the rest of his illness. And he took it well. He even said thank you after that, which was still pretty rare behavior for him. After he was nursed back to health our relationship changed a lot.

We started actually doing stuff together, going to the library together, watching movies and TV series and playing computer games online.

After winter break it went even better!

The short separation did us good - when I saw him, I said, "I missed you!" and hugged him. He let me, abashed a bit, but answered softly, "Thanks, man."

And just like that, we became almost... inseparable.

He was always there waiting for me after my classes, and I would come for him after his classes. We always ate together in the cafeteria and during the weekends we started to even go for trips to a nearby national park and hike in nearby not-so-high mountains.

We never discussed his past again, and he did not go back to hustling. He also quit smoking, without me even asking him to.

I slowly got to like him more and more, he was a great listener, and he even had a sense of humor.

Months went by and they were excellent. I loved being in his company, and we spent almost all our time together.

But soon the end of freshman year came.

I had weird anxiety about the fact that we were going to be separated for the summer break and had trouble focusing on anything else. One day, when we were watching a movie together, I glanced at him and said,

"Listen... since my brother moved out we have one empty room in my parent's house. Would you... want to come to Utah for summer break? We have wonderful mountains around Provo. Many cool trails to hike. And there is the Great Salt Lake. I even know some beaches where there are no bugs!" I said this with a bit of a squeezed throat, as I was sure he'd say no.

He turned his head toward me.

For a moment, there was a weird silence, and in the flickering light coming from the screen, I could see his eyes, almost completely dark.

"Are you sure? For the whole summer?"

"Yes! For the whole summer. You said yourself, you and your mother are not on the best terms, there are... bad memories there. And to be honest... I'm gonna miss you, if we separate."

I don't know why I added that at the end of my sentence. I was scared it would scare him away, but I was wrong.

He smiled softly. "I would miss you too, Hudson. Okay. I agree. If you are sure, I can go!"

I grinned. "Great! Thanks, man!" I patted him on his thigh. He looked at my hand but said nothing.

And so that's how we've made plans for summer break.

***

My parents were glad that I decided to bring a friend with me for summer vacation. There was always a lot of work around the house, as we had a big garden, and they hoped we could help.

We sure did, but we also spent a lot of time outside the house. We did lots of hiking and just walking around Provo, strolling by the nearby smaller lakes and visiting other interesting places all around Utah.

I used my father's car, so we could go anywhere we wanted.

One weekend, when my parents were out of town visiting my aunt, I went inside my father's secret pantry, where he had stashed some alcohol. He received it one time from a patient, who would not take a no for an answer. Even though he knew my father was Latter-day Saint, he just left it in my father's office.

I decided to go a bit wild, and we opened one bottle of bourbon.

To top it all off, we decided to build a tent in the back part of my parents' garden.

The tent was small, but it had an opening in the roof that we left open, and we were lying on our pads and sleeping bags and staring in the sky, full of stars.

At first, the conversation was pretty normal, but the more we drank, the more weird it became.

It started with me asking him:

"Do you sometimes think about sex? I never caught you jerking off" I chuckled, feeling pleasant buzzing in my head. The bourbon had started to do its work.

He grunted. "I would be careful around you in any case, not wanting to scare you with that."

"Why would I be scared?"

"You know..." He hesitated. "Being a virgin and stuff..."

I snorted angrily. "Being a virgin does not make me asexual. I think about sex, pretty often. And I jerk off, if you want to know."

"You do? I wouldn't have guessed. You seem so..."

"What?"

He thought for a long time. "Like... not interested in anything sex-related. I know what you have on your laptop and there's no porn, whatsoever."

Even with the alcohol buzzing in my brain, I had trouble saying this:

"I... have a vivid imagination," I murmured.

"So... what do you usually imagine? What's your type?"

I pursed my lips, feeling the treacherous blush on my cheeks.

"Different things... My type... I don't know. Black hair, nice lips, slim body... small, perky ass."

Yep, I basically described him.

"Do you like big tits?"

Wow, what a weird question coming from him...

"No, actually no. I'm a bit weird. I like small or totally flat."

He did not comment on that, only stared at the sky.

"So. What do you imagine in your most often used... scenarios?"

I felt super uncomfortable. I even took a sip from my glass, to help myself relax a bit more.

"You would be disappointed, if you knew."

"Try me," he insisted, with a bit of a weird tone of voice. I could not interpret his mood, even though I thought I knew him pretty well at this point, after living with him for an entire year.

"I... it's weird, I sometimes just imagine being close with someone. Being held, you know. In the person's arms. Being... loved."

The silence was pretty long. He stared at the sky the whole time.

My throat felt squeezed, as if something was pressing on my neck.

"I do not think about sex that much, more about... being in a relationship, you know. Loving and trusting. Something that could last, something that I could build with the other person."

And he continued to be silent. So, I redirected the question.

"What about you? What do you imagine? Do you... jerk off?"

He winced, I could see it even in the darkness.

"I do, sometimes. But I also mostly keep it in my head. I do not watch porn either. It's... not what I want."

Wow, we were on shaky ground here. "So, what do you want...?"

"To be honest, same as you." His voice was quiet, and weirdly shy.

And there was another couple of minutes of deafening silence. We both sipped our bourbon. It was kinda nice, to feel this relaxing haze on my brain, the gentle swaying of the roof.

So, I went for it...

"I've never even been kissed, you know?"

"No? Why? Not even once?"

"No, never. I wish I knew how it felt."

He hesitated. "I kissed the girl I mentioned to you. Before... the situation."

"So how does it feel? To kiss?" I asked so quietly, almost breathlessly.

Jay was struggling with the answer, I could tell. He suddenly turned on his side and faced me.

I did the same, although in a much slower and more unsure move.

We were now facing each other, our faces separated by maybe a foot.

"I could show you."

Wow.

He actually said it!

I could hear my heart pounding in my chest like crazy. Was this even happening, or was I in some kind of booze-stimulated fantasy vision?

"You could?"

I whispered breathlessly, my throat squeezing a bit more. I had real trouble breathing.

"If you want," he added quickly. In the dim light his face seemed almost silver, the moon making it unreal, elf-like.

I wanted it, I really didn't know why, but it was something I wanted so much. I wanted him to show me how it is... how it feels.

"Okay..." I whispered.

"Are you sure? Maybe you would want to have that special moment with... a special person, a girl with whom..."

"But you are special. You are my best friend."

He visibly halted his breathing for a moment. "I'm just... damaged goods."

"Not for me."

We looked at each other for some time, and he slowly moved a bit closer. And I moved a bit closer, so we could meet in the middle.

I felt his breath on my lips now. He had nice lips, full. They looked soft. I was curious how soft they were. And he had a piercing in his corner. He had no stubble, he did not grow it at all. He said once that his father started to grow a beard way after twenty, and we both were nineteen still.

"So... how do you start?" I whispered in a super-quiet voice.

He raised himself on one elbow and leaned over me. He did not say anything. He looked at me for a moment, before slowly lowering himself and... our lips brushed for the first time.

They were soft, as I suspected. The silver ring in his corner contrasted the warm feeling with a tinge of coldness.

I put my hands on his shoulders, gently pulling him toward me again, and he lowered himself once more and this time I opened my lips and... he opened his lips.

It was...

Very nice.

Gentle, slow... exploring, our tongues lightly touching...

I felt a weird wave of warmth in me. I embraced him tighter, almost pulling him over me.

His body was slim and wiry under my touch. I moved my hand over his nape and stroked his shoulder blades.

He straightened up a bit and broke the kiss in the process.

"So, how was it?" he asked almost in a matter-of-fact way, like he was trying to distance himself from what we just did.

"Very... nice. Very pleasant. But..."

"But?"

"Could you please do it again?"

His eyes in the darkness were hard to read. He studied my face for a while.

"Why?"

"I don't know. It felt... good. So good."

He hesitated, but only for a moment. He lowered himself again and kissed me one more time. This time I embraced him even tighter, pulling him down, and I flipped our positions - now I was on the top, and he was lying flat.

I started to kiss him, and he raised his hands, putting them around my neck.

We kissed much more passionately now. Our tongues rubbing and stroking each other, I explored his mouth and it was such a fucking godly feeling!

I realized that my dick had swelled and was pressing against his thigh...

Jay must have noticed it also.

He put his hands on my chest and straightened them, pushing me away.

"What are you doing, Hudson?" he asked in a weird, strangled kind of voice.

I stared at him through the darkness.

His face was now illuminated only by the stars and moon over us. He looked... beautiful. His full lips were a bit swollen, his complexion snowy white. His eyes with long eyelashes... staring at me.

"I don't know, Jay. What am I doing?"

I could hear his breathing, it was a bit paced up.

"But you are not gay, Hudson."

"But it's you. You are... different."

"How am I different? I am a male."

"I know, but it's also you. Jay. I... just... Sorry. It's probably the alcohol's influence."

I rolled back and lied flat on my sleeping pad.

The silence was really peculiar. I could hear him breathing close to my ear, but we didn't say anything.

We soon fell asleep.

When I awakened the next day, the events of the night seemed weirdly unreal, almost like a dream. Jay was not in the tent.

I stood up, feeling nauseated, as I was not very proficient in drinking bourbon.

As I went outside, I found Jay sitting on my parents' double swing, enjoying the early sun.

Our eyes met and I knew. He remembered and he knew - I remembered.

I sat next to him in silence.

"Do you wanna go to the Great Salt Lake today? The weather is perfect. I know a good beach where there are none of those famous, stupid bugs."

"Sure, sounds good."

And then the silence, as always.

I decided to say it first, "Listen, I don't want it to be awkward between us, after what happened last night..."

He glanced at me. "It does not need to be awkward. It's on us."

I let out a small huff. "Yep, I guess. I hope you are not... angry with me..."

He raised his eyebrows. "Why would I be? I was the one who proposed it."

I bit my lower lip.

"Yep, that's true, but I was the one who got carried away a bit. But... just... you are a great kisser. From what I could say... with my limited experience."

Our eyes met, for a split second, I saw something in his pupils, but I couldn't interpret it now. He turned his head away.

"No problem, and... thanks. I was just unsure if you knew what you were doing. We were both pretty hammered, and it could be... weird if... you know."

I don't know why, but I said firmly, "I wasn't that tipsy, Jay. I was pretty lucid. I knew exactly what I wanted. But let's leave it at that." I stood up. "I'll fix our breakfast, and we can drive to the beach."

"Sure," he said, and his eyes roamed over my face for a moment. He wanted to add something, but decided against it, obviously.

We ate breakfast and packed for the beach.

I knew one that was pretty pristine and there were no brine flies, so we could spend some time there lying on the blankets and swimming in the salty water.

It was a nice, relaxing time, and we talked about some irrelevant things, forgetting for a moment about what happened between us. Or so it looked like, but I could not forget.

I could not.

As we were lying next to each other on the blanket, I observed him through half closed eyes.

He had tattoos all over his chest and back. And he also had pierced nipples, which were catching my attention a bit too often.

I was very curious how it would feel to touch his pierced nipples. I cursed under my breath, and turned to my stomach, so he could not see my boner.

What was wrong with me anyway? I wasn't even gay. But for some reason I had... something for him.

Some weird interest.

And I liked him. I just liked him so fucking much....

"Jay..." I whispered, pressing my cheek to the blanket. He was lying flat on his back, with his eyes closed, enjoying the sun. His black hair was wet and was flowing on his shoulders.

"I think I... like you."

He seemed unmoved by my words. "Thanks, I like you too."

"You don't understand. I like you as more than just a friend."

I observed his reaction. He was still kinda impassive, only lying on his back flat, maybe thinking... I don't know. He slowly opened my eyes and turned his head toward me.

Our eyes met.

Jay said nothing, he only watched me. I reached out my hand and very gently, very slowly grazed along his forearm. It was a very light touch.

"Hudson... you... don't understand," he whispered with some sudden anger and desperation on his face.

He turned his head aside, breaking our eye contact.

"What don't I understand?"

"How it is for me! I was r***d, Hudson, it went for hours, while he had me in his car... I bled. I cried. I can't ever be... normal. Not after that!"

"God...Jay... I'm so sorry..." I again grabbed his hand, squeezing it. And like before, when we had this conversation, he did not take his hand away.

"What a sick bastard... Is he in prison now?"

"Yes, he is."

"Were you... in some kind of therapy?"

He sighed. "I was. It was pointless anyway. They couldn't fix me. I will never be normal again."

Feeling lost, I just didn't know how anyone could respond to that. So, I tried to dig deeper.

"Normal... you mean having and enjoying consensual sex?"

Jay snorted impatiently. "You wouldn't understand, Hudson..."

"I don't understand, you are right. So tell me. What does it mean for you?"

"I can't even imagine being in a relationship, Hudson! Trusting someone with my feelings. Having sex, like normal people have. Engaging in it on my own will. I feel broken. Damaged."

I closed my eyes for a second. The topic was very heavy, and I sucked at serious conversations. I always felt like I wasn't going deep enough and my consolations sounded meaningless.

"But you... had sex with your clients on your own will. You had some control over it."

He looked at me angrily. "You saw it for yourself, Hudson! I only suffered through it. It was horrible for me. I had no enjoyment whatsoever. Only pain. In a way, I was punishing myself with that. For agreeing to get into that man's car. For being stupid like that."

Now I got angry. "It wasn't your fault, for fuck's sake! What he did was inexcusable!"

"Yeah, so they say." Jay set his lips in a hard line. "Anyway, I never had a shred of pleasure during sex. Only pain and discomfort. This place..." He made a vague gesture toward his lower body. "It is for me associated only with suffering."