Dani - A Love Story

"I'm sorry, Bowser. We mustn't go too fast." Her eyes spoke something between regret and apprehension. "I don't want to lose you."

Nor did I want to lose her. I remembered my decision to let her control the pace. I rose and tucked my shirt back in. "Don't worry. Not gonna happen!" I proclaimed boldly.

"Anyway, it's been a long day. We both gotta rest up for next week," I said as I slipped back into my jacket and found my tie.

"Yeah," she said. Despite everything, her tone contained just a hint of disappointment. After I had given her a light peck, I moved toward the door.

"You might want to put on your shoes before you leave..." Her voice trailed off, but I thought I saw a slight grin and heard something that sounded rather like "doofus". I scooped up a light pillow of the sofa and winged at her gently.

Our goodbye kiss at he door barely left me enough strength to walk to the car. On the way back to my hotel, I was treated to a world-class case of lover's nuts. I managed to bear it long enough to get back to my room.

The following week a wonderful thing happened. As a result of my status in Pittsburgh changing from temporary to permanent, I had to give up company-subsidized hotel life and find my own place. That meant I had a great reason to to spend lots of time with Dani, first to find a place and, once it was found, to furnish it. When I had left Austin, I had given up my squalid student-style digs and had put what little there was of value among my possessions into storage. Essentially I was starting from scratch.

There was another benefit to the situation. By now I was sure that I wanted to be lifelong lovers with Dani and to live together with her under the same roof. I did feel that it was still to soon to spring this happy news on her, but involving her in the selection and furnishing of it would mean it would be easy for her to be comfortable with her surroundings when she did move in with me. A plan ahead kind of guy, that as me!

Fortunately all this happened while there was a previously scheduled lull in the cycle of openings, which gave us a couple of weekends for the project. We stumbled across a nice yuppie sort of condo in my price range in a redeveloped part of town about equidistant from work and Dani's apartment. Dani and I both loved it and felt it was just what I needed. I was able to close on it and get enough necessities to move in within the timeframe NitCom had given me.

During quiet moments during that period Dani shared more and more with me about her experiences in her transition to living as a full-time female. Learning how to use makeup and other female grooming techniques properly. The discomfort of hair removal. The ups and downs of hormone therapy. The excitement of experiencing her breasts developing. The struggles of learning female speech patterns, mannerisms, body language, and carriage. Over it all had hung the big question, whether or not to have sexual reassignment surgery (SRS).

One evening after a busy day at the office and some late afternoon furniture shopping we were relaxing in her apartment before going out for a late supper, when suddenly she burst out, "Oh, Bowser, SRS is the one question I just can't answer!" She had a sort of half-worried, half-contemplative expression. "On the one hand, I'm in sort of a legal and societal limbo living as I am. On the other hand, the surgery, while it deals with the legal aspect somewhat, it only turns a person into sort of a pseudo woman."

All I knew about counseling I had learned from sitcoms and comic strips. I thought she probably wanted me to interpose something at this point, but I didn't want to risk saying the wrong thing.

I guessed she sensed that because she pressed on in a small voice, "I know a lot of post-operative transgendered women do go on to have normal, meaningful lives. Many have full-function sex lives, and some even have successful marriages. But a lot don't. A significant number wind up taking their own lives, for whatever reason, within a couple of years after surgery."

I didn't have any answer for her, but I went to her and took her into my arms. At first she seemed to want to push me away, but soon she went limp against me. She was sobbing. As long as she didn't have the surgery, the question of having it would confront her to one degree or another. And when we fully acknowledged ourselves as a permanent couple, my thoughts and feelings, which were at this point still not clarified, would become part of the mix.

Just as I was exhausting a search of my catalog of platitudes for something comforting to say, Dani pulled back little, smiled at me. "Now look what I've done, Bowser. I've soaked your shirt. I'm sorry! Forgive me?" She mustered up a comical expression of penitence.

"Sure, Dani. But I guess maybe we should order pizza instead of going out."

"Could be worse," she replied thoughtfully.

The rest of the evening was pleasant but not intimate. Our goodnight kiss was only a couple of notches above perfunctory.

As I climbed into bed that night I had the feeling I wouldn't be falling asleep any time soon. Thinking back over the evening I was beginning to realize the extent of the demons which Dani, bright and clever as she was, had to confront. I also realized that, at this stage of our relationship, I was, to some degree, exacerbating the situation. Until I got my own act together and bested my own demons, I could do little to help Dani with hers.

It was time for some serious stock taking. First, I believed I loved Dani, the person, in a romantic way. Second, on an intellectual level, I had no problem with her feminine gender identity, whether she chose to have SRS or not.

On the other hand I had not touched her genitals nor had I even seen them in a romantic context. Would I, when that time came, find that sexual contact with her was abhorrent, repugnant?

Even if I could have any sort of sexual relationship with her, there was still the whole matter of my other interpersonal relationships. Was I ready to face being labeled gay, queer, fag, pervert? Coming out as Dani's "significant other" would surely do that. I would undoubtedly lose friends.

But, damn it, the fact of the matter was I had let myself fall in love with Dani. By erasing that email after the McKeesport trip, I had committed myself. I would have to let the happiness of our love pull me through whatever little unpleasantries came along. On that note, I fell asleep.

Ironically, there was sort of a minor cataclysm the next morning. I was asked to meet with the top ranking PennzMarket vice president in his office. Before going I called Dani and without letting her know about the command performance, I determined that she hadn't been invited. Apparently I would be doing a solo act.

At the appointed time I was ushered into the vp's office and was duly awed by the physical surroundings and the man himself. As he rose I assessed him. Chiseled features, dark penetrating eyes, steel gray hair in a sort of executive brush cut, tailored suit, etc., etc.

"Good morning, Mr. Schneider," he said. The deep, resonant voice completed the package.

Always one with the quick retort, I replied "Good morning, Sir." I shook the proffered hand, vaguely wondering how many knuckles would be crushed.

"Have a seat," he gestured. I sat. He sat.

He took a second to settle himself and study me across an acre or so of tidy, well-appointed executive desktop.

"I feel remiss in not having called you in sooner to personally thank you for your good work in getting our little joint venture off to a great start." I sensed the ball plunking into my side of the court.

"Not a problem, Sir. I realize that our NitCom project isn't the only iron in the PennzMarket fire. I appreciate you taking the time now." I was certainly not above groveling a bit.

"We're pleased that you and Ms. Williams have been able to work together so effectively..." Did I sense an unsaid "however" at the end of that statement?

Yup. I did. He continued, "The office rumor mill is starting to pick up that your relationship with Ms. Williams may be more than just professional."

I was pretty sure of his general drift, but not sure exactly how he would address the issue. "I'm certain it probably violates some workplace code or other, but at this level of management we like to keep an eye out for things which might impede the smooth flow of operations."

There were about a dozen things I want to say at once, but fortunately discretion kicked in and I kept my mouth shut. I hoped I was doing as well at keeping a "fuck you" expression off my face.

"Are you aware that Ms. Williams isn't quite what she seems?" he queried in a flat tone.

"Oh, how so?" I felt my inner devil kick in. "She's still pretty much the same as when I knew her in college."

"You knew her in college?" His expression indicated he wasn't quite ready for that answer.

"Sure. We were fraternity brothers at Penn State," I replied matter-of-factly.

"Did you know..." His expression and demeanor changed. The huffy formality was gone.

"At that time? Not a clue."

"Are you gay?" This guy did like to cut to the chase, but there was nothing accusatory or prejudicial in his tone.

"Before coming up from Austin, I'd have answered 'no', but now I'm entertaining the possibility. Does it matter?"

"Not really. The firm itself doesn't discriminate." He drew himself up. "Here's the deal..." I sensed a three-dollar explanation was beginning.

"While PennzMarket has a non-discrimination hiring policy, we're aware that a certain number of our staff only tolerate it because the work here is good. Quite honestly, we're afraid any openly gay behavior might cause discontent and negatively affect operations, and possibly drive away good workers."

In order to give him a chance to get a breath, I interjected, "I see."

After a few seconds, he resumed. "Because of that, we have a sort of "don't ask, don't tell" policy in our offices. We don't try to interfere with our employees' relationships outside the office but we do ask them to leave romantic relationships outside the office."

Another breath break to let me soak that in. "Dani's situation is unique. We don't like outing one employee to somebody. I guess we were just naïve or too hesitant; we ignored the fact that Dani is a very attractive person. When rumors started surfacing, we were worried that if you got too involved with Dani thinking she was biologically female there might be severe repercussions for the whole NitCom venture when you found out otherwise."

The archetypical company man. Be good to your staff, but protect the bottom line at all costs. "Thus this conversation, I presume," I said.

"Pretty much," he answered, looking genuinely crestfallen.

"I take it that the company would prefer I not send large bouquets with my name on the card to Dani's office and that Dani and I not show up together at the company picnic wearing matching Rainbow Coalition tee shirts."

"I'll get back to you on the tee shirt thing. Might be interesting..." He smiled faintly.

After some polite formal noises on both sides, the meeting was over.

The rest of the week was tied up in preparing for a trip to Bellefonte up in Centre County for a NitCom opening there. Bellefonte was on the periphery of the PennzMarket empire. The distance dictated that it be a three-day road trip, out on Friday, open on Saturday, return on Sunday. It wouldn't be any different from any other opening, but the fact that it was more than a two-hour drive from PennzMarket headquarters seemed to demand that there be extra attention to planning details.

In the evenings that week when I wasn't with Dani I was on the phone with family and close friends. I had decided to tell them about Dani and my intention to make her my partner. Part of it, of course, was so they would hear it from me first, rather than from someone else. But the main reason was to prove to myself that I could openly declare to those close to me that I was about to enter into a homosexual relationship.

Needless to say, putting it into words and actually doing it weren't quite as easy as announcing a career change or a religious denomination switch. I arranged my calling list so that I would talk to my closest friends and family last. I figured that would give me a chance to refine my spiel and build my confidence level before I approached the people most important to me.

Thankfully, it went fairly well. Only one told me flatly that this ended our friendship. A few were a bit reserved. Others just seemed to take it in stride. My parents were not exactly elated and we did the "are you sure, do you understand the possible consequences" dance. In the end, they reluctantly acquiesced, saying that if that was the way it was going to be they were glad I would be with "Willie". They had met him during our fraternity days and had liked him.

We left Pittsburgh early Friday morning. After a pleasant drive through the hills of central Pennsylvania, we arrived in Bellefonte in mid afternoon. We stopped by the PennzMarket store to meet the local staff and confirm the details of the opening. The store manager had arranged for an evening get-together for the key players at his home. After checking into our motel and doing a little sightseeing, we headed to the affair.

Back at the motel we got out of the car and looked at each other. Dani broke the awkward silence. "If you promise to behave, you may come to my room and give me one goodnight kiss."

She was right, of course. Till the opening was in the books, our souls belonged to our respective companies. That one kiss was sure a lot of fun, though.

The opening's success was a reward for our planning and attention to detail. Since the football team was out of town disassembling some midwestern school's football team we got a lot of the student crowd from Penn State, which was ten miles up the road. We hung around and helped out until about seven o'clock.

We had dinner in the motel's restaurant. The atmosphere was surprisingly pleasant and the food quite good. We critiqued the few minor glitches of the opening and isolated what we felt to be significant high points. As we lazed over our coffee, I asked "Would you care to join me in my suite for an after-dinner liqueur? I brought a small selection with me. A Grand Marnier perhaps..."

"You silver-tongued rascal!" She had a twinkle in her eye as she smiled. "Are you going to seduce me?"

I noted that she had omitted "try to" from her question. "I certainly hope to," I replied, attempting to muster a lecherous leer.

"Well, then I'd be delighted. May I stop by my suite for a moment before you ravish me?"

"Of course, my Darling," I responded. Certainly didn't want to seem boorish at a time like this.

"Thank you, Dearest!" She had cranked her smile up to full dazzle.

Walking back to our adjoining with my arm around her waist, I was in a trance. If we passed anyone or anything interesting I didn't notice. After she swiped her key card, I opened the door for her with a grand gesture. "Please call me when you're ready, my Love. I will come escort you to my quarters."

"You're right next door!"

"Every moment with my Beloved is an eon of infinite happiness to me!"

"Bowser, you are more full of shit than a Christmas turkey!"

"Alas, you pierce me to the heart!"

"Oh, all right. I'll let you escort me, but only because I just hate it when you pout." She stuck her tongue out at me as she closed her door. I hurried into my suite.

Done with the buffoon. It was time to get serious and swing into high gear. I opened the suitcase of essentials I had brought for this evening. I scattered a bunch of small battery-powered votive light flickering candles around the living room-office area and the bedroom and switched them on. I plugged in a couple of fairly pleasant-smelling air fresheners. I would have preferred decorative scented candles, but I wan't really up for a motel fire just then. I replaced the bulbs in all the lamps with bulbs of twenty-five watts or less. I had been lucky enough to find a couple of blue bulbs at a party store. The overall effect, while not spectacular, was pretty much what I had hoped for.

The lighting being done, I unpacked the carefully wrapped bottles of Grand Marnier, Kahlua, and B&B, as well as a couple of liqueur glasses and some cocktail napkins, then arranged everything on the coffee table. Lastly I plugged my iPhone into a little mini-boom box dock and started a loop of soft romantic music. As if on cue, the room phone rang.

"I'm ready, Bowser," she breathed when I picked up.

"I'm on my way!" I answered.

When she opened the door she was a vision of loveliness, her lustrous hair framing her radiant smile and sparkling eyes. She was wearing a stylish dark blue, almost navy, satin wrap. "You're gorgeous!" was all I could think to say.

"Thank you!" she whispered. She was holding a somewhat incongruous small leather tote. I sensed it was a "don't ask, don't tell" moment, so I just took it gently from her and handed her out the door.

"Oh, wow!" she uttered as she stepped into my suite.

"May I take your wrap, Darling?"

"Of course, my Love." She was in a simple sheath of the same material as the wrap, accented by a double strand pearl necklace with matching single pearl earrings.

It was somehow surreal. I felt tongue-tied, helpless. It was all I could do to keep myself from dragging Dani into a crushing embrace an smothering her with kisses. As I draped her wrap over a table chair she moved gracefully to the sofa and delicately seated herself. I managed to ask her what she would like to drink.

"Ooo, you make it so hard to choose," she purred, studying my modest selection. Finally, she settled on the Grand Marnier.

I poured our drinks then sat carefully beside her, touching my glass to hers. "To us, Dani!"

"To us, Bowser!"

I'm sure we talked about many things, laughed a lot, and probably had another glass or two of liqueur, but all I remembered was a wondrous haze of love and happiness. I had never felt like this before.

"Uh, Bowser..."

I snapped back to real time. "Yes?"

"Would you please excuse me for a moment?"

"Of course, Dearest!"

She retrieved her little tote and went into the bedroom, closing the door quietly behind her.

I sank into sort of a bemused reverie, absently studying her wrap draped over the chair. I couldn't remember a time I had been so happy. There had been a few times over the years when I had been in serious like, and even a couple of times I had been sure I was in love, but somehow nothing had ever come to fruition. None of those times had been remotely like this, a euphoria I had never imagined I would feel.

"Bowser, would you come here, please?"

"Be right there, Love!" I rose and walked to the door. Somehow I sensed that everything up to now had been just a prelude, that this would be the true beginning of what the fates had in store for us, that now our souls would become forever bound together. I steadied myself, took a deep breath, and opened the door.

It was fortunate I had taken that breath because I'm sure I forgot to breathe until much later. Nothing could have prepared me for the vision before me. Dani was seated on the edge of the bed glowing in the dim illumination. She was wearing a pale, almost translucent lavender negligee or robe closed by a satin bow at he neckline. Her smile lighted the room far beyond my feeble lighting scheme.

She was holding something dark blue in her lap. She raised it and extended it to me. "This is for you. It's a pair of pajamas. Would you wear them for me? Please?" Her beseeching look was so cute, almost like an eager puppy.