All Comments on 'Dark Arrow Ch. 01-03'

I have to say you have written a great story and I can not wait for your next one.

Well there's good news and there's bad news. The bad news is that my productivity just got shot, I'm now going to be on this site way too often checking for yor next chapter! The good news is great news, you just found yourself a loyal reader, it was a well crafted and marvellous story to read. Loved the slow build up and back story, I can tell a lot of thought went into this. Love the idea of the walled in cities, hope to see some historical insight as to how this way of life came to be in the next chapter!

Time for some constructive criticism: First and foremost, I found a few grammatical and spelling errors (autocorrect I assume messing up). Nothing too egregious, just enough for me to notice. Secondly, I think a bit more time could have been invested in creating/defining the characters bodies (height, chest, etc). What you have us was good enough for my imagination to fill in the blanks, but I think it would be nicer with a bit more framework.

In recap: Incredible story, keep up the good work! Please keep writing, I hope to read your next chapter(s) soon!

Cheers,

-Dennis

This is a very enjoyable story and certainly five stars. There are some minor issues with using the wrong word at times but not enough to complain about. Look forward to more.

Thanks for sharing.

wow wonderfully crafted can't wait for more and you just got another loyal reader

Great character development. I like them both. Please stick to this formula of interesting plot first and sex second. I can't wait for your next chapter.

Thank you for your comments. I wanted to mention one thing here.

Dennis as you mentioned details are a little light about the characters. I had done this intentionally at first, but on reflection it may have been a poor choice. My thought was that by giving you just enough details to start the picture your imagination would fill in the visual details in whatever way you would personally find most appealing.

Again thank you all for the kind feedback and the votes. I do apologize for the errors that were in this submission. I thought I had proofed it, but clearly a lot of mistakes made it past. I will do my best to have that not be the case in subsequent chapters.

On that note I have started work on a what will be chapter four of this story. I'm going to watch and see the responses on here, but unless the rating takes a massive down turn I will try and have another chapter up by new years.

it was a pleasure to read your story...please go on!

The plot moves along nicely and the characters are fun.

The only suggestion I would make is to find a proofreader. There were many wrong words - spelled correctly- that did not fit the context of the moment. Also a few instances of a missing word or words placed awkwardly that took some time to decipher.

Other than those few concerns this was a great story. Thank you for the time taken. 4 *'s

Very good story. Love the length, made for a good read. Would suggest a editor or at least a proof reader to correct the wrong words used.

The negatives already mentioned were the only ones I had, so I'll skip that part and go on to the positives!

Nicely done beginning to a first time story. The amount of detail was good (other than physical characteristics), the pace was spot on and the action believable. I'm hoping you'll fill in the history on what caused the creation of the world as it's presented.

I'm definitely going to be looking for the next chapter(s). Well done.

So far so good. Good storyline if somewhat too little complicated. There is always good if there is some mystery adding the spice. Now what is worrying me is that there seem to be nothing beside sex that reader is thinking comes next. I rly hope u have some plot to come and not just flat sex.

Waiting for more with some hopes

I would suggest to keep the uploads to this kind of lenght, because otherwise it would be an unsufferable tease.

Nice start

I enjoyed the universe, characters and plot. Nice length too. 5*.

I look forward to future chapters of Dark Arrow and i hope you write others like it.

Welcome to literotica!

First of all I'm going to be a marine so Ren being one automatically got you a bonus star! Great choice in character backgrounds it feels more realistic, and the settings you use and grammar are perfect.If anything the only thing your missing is an editor.I enjoyed this story and look forward to more like it.

Hello again everyone and thank you once more for your votes and your comments.

I have good news for those of you looking forward to a second post. I finished work on the next submission last night.

Even better news I found an editor and Chapter 4 is off into their tender care as of today. I don't know for sure if I will make my goal of having this up before the new year or not, but there will soon be another chapter for you in this series.

Sincerely ~ Dark Terra

Your story is impressive and even re-readable, which is a rare high praise. However, I suggest that you consider the category in which the story is placed. If the rest of the story will be their sexual escapades in the woods, my suggestion would be to place those chapters into the BDSM category due to all this submissiveness stuff, which, unfortunately, is a turn off for me - all that spanking and ordering around, "don't move", "don't come yet", etc., is very disappointing when you have two such wonderful characters who can provide amazing possibilities to explore what passionate sex would be between equals. The fact that she had been raped should have made this guy to initiate her into sex gently and give her the lead, not attack her like that - that's what you get from submissiveness elements... It is much more interesting if the guy and girl take turns exploring each of theirs sub/dom sides, etc., and I can definitely do without any pain stuff like spanking... I'm not saying it is bad, just not my cup of tea, so if the story was in the BDSM category, then I would know to stay away from it instead of getting hooked by the plot and then having to cringe through the sex parts ;). Either way, you are a great writer, please continue with long updates!

I would have given you five stars but there were to many spelling mistakes. Love the story, can't wait to see what happens next!

Liked the story, the setting, the mystery of the plot. Did not like how the romantic stuff progressed. It broke the suspension of disbelief for me.

In addition to the previously mentioned spelling and grammatical issues, which a vigorous spell check session, (with a mature dictionary, not a fresh install of Word), would make a huge dent in, there are some structural errors here and there, as well.

Things such as phrasing mistakes like, "Eat first or you may not stay awake long enough to eat and as much as you need rest and pain relief you need calories too."

The sentance starts as an 'or, option, 'Eat or ...', then turns into something else. Errors like this have always made me think the writer is thinking faster than their fingers. They are far more common than ine would think.

It's an easy fix, drop the 'or', and make it two sentences. ie: "Eat first. You may not stay awake long enough to eat and as much as you need rest and pain relief you need calories too."

Something which may help you catch things like this is reading at least one of your proofing sessions aloud. Don't just mumble along reading it only loud enough to qualify it as 'aloud'. Read it as if you are reading to an audience, or class. The extra brain work required to think about reading clearly, with the correct pauses, pacing and emphasis will keep your brain from subconsciously substituting what you wanted to write/say for what you actually wrote.

It's a helpful technique for proofing one's own work; if you hesitate or stumble over a word or phrase, you can be certain someone unfamiliar with your words will, as well.

Also, there's a technical point, for your future reference, or someone else's. While MS, (morphine sulphate), is administered both IV, (intravaneous), and IM, (intramuscular), in today's world, the choice of IV is typically only made when an IV is already inserted in the patient.

The IV softens the blunt hammer effect of direct IV morphine. It will still mostly likely sedate the patient, but there won't be the common 'hot/cold' pins & needles up the spine, which can be unpleasant, at best, for some people. Direct IV can also cause immediate vomiting, and it will not matter if the stomach is empty or not.

The biggest reason I mention this is the duration of effect. Equal doses of MS given IM will be almost as immediate onset as IV, but with even more softening of the blunt hammer, and last longer since it has to be metabolized out of the muscle, where the IV is straight to the bloodstream, and has a head start in dissemination through out the body, and a quicker move towards the body processing it.

An IM injection is more likely to keep your character out for the length of time than an IV injection, IMO.

Also, while you have more artistic license with a future auto-ject, the unit would have to be as big as the length of the needle needed to reach from the front surface of her thigh to a vein with enough size for detection. It's been 40+ years since anatomy class, but I seem to recall you have to get close to bone deep to reach a large vein. At least, you gotta get through an athletic quad muscle, if there's a vein on the front side of the femur, (thigh bone).

Feasibility of futuristic tech goes a long way helping a reader's suspension of dis-belief.

Good story, well paced. Solid character development. If you follow through with a sound plot arc, you have a winner on your hands, and some talent.

Thanks for sharing your imagination and creativity, and thanks for all the work it takes to put together a submission. I hope the extra work I suggested helps you create even better work, and helps sate your creative urges.

GeoD

The story line is great. Sorry that the spelling and grammar knock the cream off the top,