Dark Secrets

This is a little more intense in CH 03 and CH 04 than my usual offerings. Nevertheless, the nightmare described is a real thing. A loved one of mine experienced that mental deviation firsthand. I knew all of the people involved. I never suspected that such a thing was happening to them. Having said that, this is not their story. It is a fictional account of my own invention based on a real mental condition.

CH 01

It was my first day of classes. The last thing I was expecting was to meet anyone I knew. After all, this uppity college is three hundred miles from home.

I'm only able to be here thanks to the recording studio that I work for. I started working for them a few years ago. It all began when I was a guitarist for a band called The Pebbles of Rock. We were there to make an album for BandCamp.

When we went into the control room to listen to the playback, I was super-impressed with the studio's electronics. While the other guys were listening to our recording, I was talking to the studio owner about the equipment.

I was fairly conversant with Apple's GarageBand, but this was a "whole nother animal." My guitar playing became secondary to my conversation with Bill Gardner. He was happy to show me how everything worked and to explain how they did multi-tracking, added variable echo, and so much more.

I was somewhat disappointed every time I got called away to play guitar. When we left the studio, I was no longer a guitarist for The Pebbles of Rock. I was an apprentice 'engineer' for Bill Gardner's state-of-the-art recording studio.

I worked there part-time during the school year and full-time on my summer breaks. After I graduated from high school, Bill wrangled a full scholarship for me to this pretentious place. This university is famous for its College of Music. It is also one of only a very few universities that offer a course of study in Video and Audio Production. I'll have to admit that their state-of-the-art studio ties in well with their famous College of Music. Anyway, they are known as the best in the business. I guess I'll find out. Time will tell.

While walking towards the Student Union building, I saw Coleen Fredricks coming down the steps. I knew her because she had dated my best friend, David Bentley, for the first few months of our senior year.

She saw me and waved. I waved back. When we were a few steps apart, she ran to me and gave me a big hug. She said, "I never dreamed I would see anyone from home way up here. Are you a music major too? You are a sight for sore eyes."

I couldn't help myself, I said, "My God Coleen! You have conjunctivitis? What a bummer!"

She looked at me with a questioning frown on her face as she processed what I said. The frown became a slight grin as she said, "I heard about your jokes from David. I should have expected it. No, I don't have an eye disease. 'Sore eyes' is an expression that educated people use. I should have known that you wouldn't understand it."

I said, "Ok, that joke wasn't one of my best. It was kind of cornea."

This time she laughed. She punched me on the shoulder as she said, "I haven't been here very long, but somehow I just know that this day will be the day that I always remember when I think of this place years from now."

I had no smart comeback for that.

I answered her first question by telling her that I was not a music major. I said, "The kind of music I play doesn't require attending an advanced school of music.

She said, "I remember when you played guitar at a Pebbles of Rock concert. David recommended you as a fill-in when Jerry had the mumps. David said that you were a better guitarist than Jerry. After hearing you, I thought so too. Why didn't you keep playing in some band?"

I explained how I came to leave the band and told her about my job. I explained how working at the studio was the reason I was able to be attending this school that I could have never afforded.

She said, "Thank God for that! It's good to have a friend here. I was here for two summer sessions. These opera singers and classical musicians look down on me. They're nothing but a bunch of prima donnas. I tried to tell my parents that I wouldn't be happy here, but they weren't listening."

She went on to say that she, like me, was only here because of some financial help. In her case, it was the company that her dad worked for that paid the bill.

We compared schedules and it turned out that we had an English class together. She said, "Please sit by me. I feel so out of place here. Maybe you can save me from an inferiority complex."

I said, "If I'm there first, I'll slobber and let farts. The seats on either side of me will be empty for sure."

She laughed and said, "If I'm there first, I won't do that, but I have my own methods. There will be a seat next to me for you."

When we parted, we were both a little happier. Make that a lot happier!

CH 02

I was impressed with my production classes. There were

no prima donnas there. It was a far cry from the opera singers and classical musicians that Coleen had to endure.

English was my last class of the day. It was Coleen's last class too. When I got there, Coleen waved. The seat next to her was empty. She wouldn't tell me how she kept it that way. I'm quite certain that there was no slobbering. I know there was no farting, even though every time I asked what her secret was, she pointed at her butt and grinned.

After class, we strolled over to the student union. We sipped our drinks and talked. We concentrated on each other for hours. I was very impressed with Coleen and she seemed to be taken with me too. I wondered why David had let her go. She seemed to be the perfect catch. Was there a catch to that catch? If so, it was not apparent to me.

When we parted, she gave me a light kiss on the cheek. If I had been thinking, I could have turned my head at the last minute and made her lips fall on mine. Oh, well. A kiss on the cheek speaks volumes to a lonesome guy. I felt it in my whole body. It would have been "casual to the most obvious observer" looking at the front of my pants.

When I got back to my dorm room, my roommates were gone. I took that opportunity to call my old buddy, David Bentley. I talked to him about lots of trivial stuff before asking him why he had broken it off with Coleen Fredricks. He said, "It was a bad scene. I was really into her. I was thinking that she was bridal material.

"She checked every box on my list except for a couple of things. She was hot as a firecracker in every way except she wouldn't let me fuck her and she wouldn't let me see her naked. I told her that I was picturing myself with her way beyond the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. I was thinking about kneeling on one knee. I was thinking about sliding a ring onto her finger.

"She said that she would say 'yes' in a heartbeat. I told her that we were compatible in every way so far, but there was an important category that remained in question. I told her that sexual compatibility was essential to a marriage. I suggested that we check it out forthwith. She started making excuses again. I told her to find another sucker. She said that she loved me. I told her to prove it. She hedged. I left. She cried."

At that point, David asked, "Why are you wondering about her now?"

I told him that we were in college together. He was beyond surprised. He asked about the school. After I told him what and where it was, he was even more amazed. He got very serious as he told me that he still regretted having to let her go.

He topped it off by saying, "My friend, you will never find a prettier or smarter woman. She can become the most important person in your life before you even realize it. If she learns to love you, and knowing you both I suspect that she will, she'll let you do anything and everything until you reach her stopping point."

He told me that when all was said and done, she was nothing but a world-class PT. He told me that after she refused him, he called Fred and Tommy. She had dated both of them before she dated him. He wanted to know why they stopped dating her. Both of them had the same experience as him. They both said that she was the ultimate prick teaser. He told me to enjoy her because time with her was very rewarding, but most of all, I should be ready for the disappointment to come.

He ended by saying, "She will be an excellent girlfriend for you while you are in school. Maybe you should just enjoy that for several beautiful years. If a miracle happens and she allows you to take that step she refused to take with the three of us, you have my sincere congratulations. If not, you will have a happy time together in every other way. When you graduate, you can kiss her goodbye and find someone that will be wife material."

He sounded very sad as we terminated our conversation.

As for me, I was stunned. Everything about her seemed so genuine. Could it be an act? After much thought, I decided that David was right. I should just enjoy as much of Coleen as she would give me. If there was no intercourse, so be it.

This was not a time to be thinking of marriage and offspring. This was a time to live and learn. Having a companion like Coleen added to the pleasure, and that mattered. So just continue our relationship and let her determine where it leads. It will be up to her to determine how, when, and if — it ends.

CH 03

That's the way it was for week after week. Everything was good until it wasn't. There is always something lurking in the shadows. That something became visible one sunny weekend day. We were watching the girls volleyball practice when Coleen said she was having trouble breathing. One of the guys in my video class was there and I knew he had a car. I yelled at him and he rushed over. We helped Coleen get into his car. He rushed us to the school's medical clinic.

They admitted her to their equivalent of an ER. They had me wait in the coffee shop. I was getting more and more concerned. It was just under an hour later when a nurse came over and asked me to come with her. She had me take a seat in one of the offices.

A few minutes later, a grim-looking doctor came in and sat down behind the desk. There was no greeting or shaking of hands. He wrote on a pad for a few seconds, then he looked up at me and said, "I understand that you brought Miss. Fredricks here."

"Yes, I did. We were at volleyball practice. She complained that it was getting hard for her to breathe. She kept getting worse."

He asked if she was a player. I huffed up and said, "What do you mean by that?"

He said, "I'm asking if she was a participant in the volleyball action."

I told him that we were just watching.

He wanted to know about our surroundings. Were we sitting in the stands? Did we have anything to eat or drink? Were there other people close to us? Were there any animals nearby?

I told him we were sitting on a blanket in the grass, but there were no pets or people close to us. I added that we didn't eat or drink anything.

He told me that she had passed out while the nurses were talking to her. When that happened, they quickly slipped her into a hospital gown while declaring a red alert. He continued, "Suspecting an allergy, I ordered an epinephrine injection. Within minutes, she was getting better. In my opinion, she had an allergic reaction to something she consumed or something floating in the air. I have ordered a complete allergy panel for her."

He asked a few more questions, then he looked me in the eye and asked me to tell him about my relationship with the patient.

I gave him the story. He said, "I need more details. You are entitled to your privacy and I can't force you to answer, but for her sake, I hope you will. First, have the two of you been intimate?"

I told him that we had done everything short of intercourse.

He said, "Then you've seen her naked body?"

I said, "Actually, I haven't. She has some kind of phobia about letting anyone see her naked. Everything we've done has been with hands under clothing or clothing only partially removed. We've never been naked together."

He said, "Don't you find that to be rather strange?"

I admitted that I did.

Then I told him that her three previous boyfriends had received the same treatment. "They said that she was nothing but a PT."

He said, "That figures. Look, I don't know how much you know about her family and I'm not sure how much I should tell you. Anyway, since you will probably be contacted by concerned agencies about this, I'm going to give you a heads-up. I can't go beyond that."

His heads-up made my world spin.

He said that there were scars on her stomach, chest, and upper arms. There were a few somewhat-recent cuts too. He looked glum as he said, "Someone, perhaps a family member, has mistreated her. Either that, or she has been damaging herself. I'm required by our school's medical policy to report these findings to the proper authorities. I will talk to Coleen before she's dismissed, but both of you should be prepared to answer some questions from human services and law enforcement personnel."

I was in shock as I returned to the waiting room. When Coleen finally came out, she ran into my arms crying.

She said, "Thanks for staying. After talking to the doctor and finding out that he had already talked to you, I feared that you would be long gone. I'm so sorry to be such a disappointment to you. You must think I'm an awful person. Please don't hate me."

I held her as I whispered, "I will never hate you. I don't understand everything I've been told today, but I'm on your team. I'm in your corner. I'm with you every step of the way. You will tell me what you want me to know when the time is right. I won't ask for anything more than that."

She said, "Barry, you will learn some things about me that you won't understand. How could you understand them when even I don't? The doctor has made an appointment for me to see a psychiatrist. Perhaps that will lead to some answers. I want you to go with me. I want you to hear what happened. Having you there with me was my only condition for accepting the appointment. Will you go with me?"

"You know I will. Just tell me where and when."

CH 04

The psychiatrist was a pleasant older lady. She asked us to call her Ally. With notepad in hand, she sat across from Coleen. Her first words were, "Why did you decide to relieve your guilt by cutting yourself?"

I expected her to ask if the cuts were done by a family member or by someone else. I didn't expect her to accuse Coleen so directly. Coleen didn't make any attempt to correct Ally. She said, "I felt a huge amount of guilt every time I saw my mother. You can tell me that it wasn't my fault until hell freezes over, but the guilt was overwhelming.

"Every time my mom looked at me, I wilted. I wanted her to yell at me. I wanted her to hit me. I wanted her to punish me. I knew she knew. She just smiled at me and poured her love over me. I couldn't take it."

Ally interrupted saying, "When was the first time your dad assaulted you?"

I nearly swallowed my Adam's apple. Coleen looked at me as she answered Ally.

"It all started shortly after I turned 18. At first, there was no assault. It was more like 'the talk' between a dad and his daughter. It was the proverbial 'birds and bees' lecture. It wasn't much different than what I'd already heard from my mom.

There was nothing untoward for several weeks. I had been thinking that I might lose my innocence on prom night, but I didn't. It happened later. I never dreamed it would be taken by my dad."

Ally held Coleen's hand while asking, "Did he force you, or was it more like persuasion?"

"It was a bit of both, I guess. He set the mood by revisiting some things we had talked about previously. This time he demonstrated the steps that some boy might take to seduce me. It was all done to forewarn and forearm me for what I would probably encounter soon. It sort of made sense.

"He always had me go to my room for his 'demonstrations.' He always made sure that Mom wasn't around. It happened when she did volunteer work for the library, or was playing bridge with a group of ladies, or was doing some shopping at the mall. It averaged about four times a month.

"As time went on, the demonstrations went farther and farther. Here's the thing. I don't know how to say it. I can't say it. Even now, so much later, I can't form the words I need to say." She was sobbing.

Ally broke in saying, "Let me attempt to say it for you. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. You were enjoying it. You hated yourself for enjoying it. Nevertheless, you liked the fact that he was giving you the same kind of love that he gave your mom. You were getting things from him that only your mom got before. It made you feel important.

"In your heart, you said, 'Mom, look at me. I'm getting some of his special love now. He wants to be with me too. Maybe even more so than with you.' You hated it, but you loved it."

Coleen sobbed, "How do you know all of that? Can you read my mind? How can you know my innermost thoughts? How can you describe my hidden emotions?"

Ally said, "Because I've been down this road before with many other girls like you. It's new for you but it's not new for me. You're one more girl that blames herself for not only doing something forbidden, but for liking it too."

Coleen said, "It was like you said. At first, I felt like I was replacing my mom. That was intoxicating! As time passed, those thoughts changed. When my mom looked at me, instead of feeling haughty, I felt remorse and shame. It got worse and worse. Finally, it became unbearable. I wanted her to punish me. I tried to disobey some of her rules to draw her ire, but she constantly made excuses for me and let me off the hook."

Coleen went on to say that she felt an overwhelming need to be punished for assuming a role that should have been exclusively her mom's. It got to the point that she couldn't even face her mom. Since her mom wouldn't punish her, she had to punish herself.

She began by making a small cut on her arm. As the blood flowed out, so did her guilt. As she applied a band-aid to the cut, she felt a soaring relief.

She went downstairs and hugged her mom. She told her how much she loved and respected her and that she was the best mom ever. Her mom replied that it was easy to be a mom when you had the best daughter on the planet. They hugged each other and smiled. It was worlds better than constant remorse. The cutting was the punishment that she needed. It destroyed the guilt.

She said that to her dismay, the relief was short-lived. Before long, the guilt returned. It came back whether or not there had been additional sex. It was worse if there had been, but it returned regardless.

Ally said, "You are a quick study, Coleen. You're already at a point that usually takes months of therapy. I'm glad that you understand your emotions.

First, you wanted to lord it over your mom because your dad loved you more than he loved her. He proved it several times a month with his actions. Over time, that changed. You began to feel sorry for her and to regret your former disdain. The guilt came fast and it was crippling. You needed to be punished. She wouldn't do it, so you did. You punished yourself and it gave you peace, at least for a little while."

Ally mentioned that the doctor's report stated that the cutting stopped four or five months ago. Coleen said, "That sounds about right. My dad passed away about four months ago. He died about an hour after we had sex for the last time. I haven't felt the need to punish myself since then.

"Mom found him slumped over in his chair when she came down to watch the late news. He was still drawing ragged breaths. She called 911. A fire truck arrived first, followed very soon by an EMT vehicle. Mom and I followed them to the hospital.