All Comments on 'Darla, Deana and Brother David'

Are you really 18? 14 would seem closer to the truth.

I write this in hope it will help your future output. An editor will help to sort out many of the mistakes.

When writing from the perspective of one person, you can’t state what another person does when they are not in view – “we were watching on our laptop that we did not hear him come into the house. He looked around the house” – How would you know?

David is drunk and half asleep, yet he manages to have sex twice in a matter of minutes without being fully awake – a bit too much of the stretch of the imagination. I stopped reading at that point.

Sorry for the downer, but I hope it will focus your attention to detail.

Your story line and the details are really great. A loving big brother and his two lovely horny sisters ! I hope the 3 of them go away on a trip before David goes away to college and his 2 horny sisters just screw him blind !! That they will keep him so hard and he will just love them draining his big cock several times a day. That they will eventually living together out of state away from the parents and have great jobs and see how far the sex angle goes. Some updated details about how big David really is and the same for the girls would be great. Your story line is plain hot and thank you !!

Please continue

Do they resemble their mother?

Wish I had twin sisters to PLAY WITH.

Cant wait for the next chapter.

Are you sure they resembled their mother?

Are you sure they loved each other?

Please get an use an editor.

... including me.

Stopped reading after half a page. The narration style doesn't do it for me; conversation driven stories have a much more natural flow to them. This really felt more like a school paper.

Don't want to come across harsh. Cleary some potential present. And kudos for exposing yourself to all of us weekend critics. ;-)

The dialogue is awfully childish. I lost interest when they crawled into bed with David. The horribly long and boring first few paragraphs made me want to puke. I got the point they WERE SO BEYOND IDENTICAL and looked identical to their mom rather fast. Sad. Please get with an Editor before your next attempt at writing?

1 star barely

DragonRider55

I think sexy and manly David needs description -- some hair for his masculine, muscular chest? He has great staying power for a young man after an evening of partying!

I would love to read more chapters. They need to have a lifelong "marriage" and have some children who carry on the tradition of loving incest.

Mum only loves the twins because they look like her. God, what an aweful mother. If they were fat, ugly, short, ie looked like the milkman, she would not love them

This is a big no-no when writing. Never start with exposition, weave it into the story as you write.

It is not bad to have the exposition already written so you can cut-paste it into where it is needed, but starting with 9 paragraphs of it is... Just bad writing.

*He was so ugly he hurt my feelings.* — Moms Mabley.

That is how I would describe your writing; so bad it hurts my feelings.

Let’s take a look at one of your so-called sentences:

“We both have a 36C-24-36 in. shape frames and each of us weighing about 115 pounds.”

You wrote this, and you see nothing wrong? Good god, and you’re a paid technical writer? I don’t actually believe it.

Okay here goes. 1. Every single one of your female characters has the same size body. Mix it up for heaven’s sake. 2. A good writer doesn’t have to spell out the exact measurements, it’s the mark of a rank amateur to specify like this. 3. “in.” Wtf is that supposed to be? Inches? Read your shit out loud. Nobody says “36-24-36 inches.” Do you go to the lumber department and say “I want a two by four inches?” 4. “Shape frames.” Makes no sense. People have a shape, or they have a frame. They don’t have shape frames. They may have “shaped” frames, but that’s still awkward and unnecessary and redundant. 5. “Frames” should not be plural, you used “a” earlier which indicates singular. So frames should be singular or get rid of the “a” earlier. 6. “Each of us.” No, you already said “both” in the same sentence. Stop being redundant, we get it. Your readers aren’t stupid like you. 7. “Weighing.” No, learn how to conjugate your fucking verbs. You are writing in present tense, so it should be “and weighs 115 pounds.” (Notice I got rid of the “each of us”. 8. You are writing in present tense (but you wander around a lot) and it sucks. Write in past tense.

That is 8 (eight) blatant errors in one sentence. And you wrote a lot of sentences. Do you see why get all these nasty comments? One or two mistakes here or there is understandable, but you have multiple errors in most of your sentences. Do you not see that as a problem? An editor won’t help, you need to take about six writing classes.

Your bio says you are writing again … unless you have made some remarkable progress, just don’t.

Instead, how about you go back to your job at the Department of Redundancy Department.