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Click hereCategory: Brother - Sister Incest, Sister-Sister Lesbian Incest, First Time
Short Description: Identical twin sisters trick their older brother into taking both their virginity and making love with him.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousabout 2 years ago*He was so ugly he hurt my feelings.* — Moms Mabley.
That is how I would describe your writing; so bad it hurts my feelings.
Let’s take a look at one of your so-called sentences:
“We both have a 36C-24-36 in. shape frames and each of us weighing about 115 pounds.”
You wrote this, and you see nothing wrong? Good god, and you’re a paid technical writer? I don’t actually believe it.
Okay here goes. 1. Every single one of your female characters has the same size body. Mix it up for heaven’s sake. 2. A good writer doesn’t have to spell out the exact measurements, it’s the mark of a rank amateur to specify like this. 3. “in.” Wtf is that supposed to be? Inches? Read your shit out loud. Nobody says “36-24-36 inches.” Do you go to the lumber department and say “I want a two by four inches?” 4. “Shape frames.” Makes no sense. People have a shape, or they have a frame. They don’t have shape frames. They may have “shaped” frames, but that’s still awkward and unnecessary and redundant. 5. “Frames” should not be plural, you used “a” earlier which indicates singular. So frames should be singular or get rid of the “a” earlier. 6. “Each of us.” No, you already said “both” in the same sentence. Stop being redundant, we get it. Your readers aren’t stupid like you. 7. “Weighing.” No, learn how to conjugate your fucking verbs. You are writing in present tense, so it should be “and weighs 115 pounds.” (Notice I got rid of the “each of us”. 8. You are writing in present tense (but you wander around a lot) and it sucks. Write in past tense.
That is 8 (eight) blatant errors in one sentence. And you wrote a lot of sentences. Do you see why get all these nasty comments? One or two mistakes here or there is understandable, but you have multiple errors in most of your sentences. Do you not see that as a problem? An editor won’t help, you need to take about six writing classes.
Your bio says you are writing again … unless you have made some remarkable progress, just don’t.
Instead, how about you go back to your job at the Department of Redundancy Department.
Anonymousalmost 4 years agoThis is a big no-no when writing. Never start with exposition, weave it into the story as you write.
It is not bad to have the exposition already written so you can cut-paste it into where it is needed, but starting with 9 paragraphs of it is... Just bad writing.
UltimateHomeBodyalmost 5 years agoMum only loves the twins because they look like her. God, what an aweful mother. If they were fat, ugly, short, ie looked like the milkman, she would not love them
clearedtofuckalmost 5 years agoI would love to read more chapters. They need to have a lifelong "marriage" and have some children who carry on the tradition of loving incest.
Anonymousalmost 5 years agoI think sexy and manly David needs description -- some hair for his masculine, muscular chest? He has great staying power for a young man after an evening of partying!
