Dear Babe/Dear Bastard

If you're not reading this, boy am I ever fucked when I get out of my session.

First things first: you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Danica knows that. I reminded her no less than ten times that there's a chance—a small chance, but a chance nonetheless—you wouldn't be into this and she told me no less than eight times to shut up, she gets it already, and she won't be offended if you don't want to fuck her.

I repeat, you don't have to go with her. This is meant to be fun and if it's not, if I totally misread who you are as a person and you don't want to fuck Danica anymore, that's on me.

But if I know you—and I do—you're probably trying not to let her in on the fact that you're frantically trying to reach me right now. You don't want her to know you want to make sure I'm actually in on this whole thing before you get into the Uber and go to her hotel to fuck her brains out. You're probably completely astounded that Danica, my coworker Danica, Hot Danica that I keep saying we can't have a threesome with, just showed up at your mom's house looking as hot as ever.

You probably stared at her tits while she explained she's in Toronto for her cousin's baby shower tomorrow and that while we both have a very firm "no fucking coworkers" rule, she and I figured she's not YOUR coworker, so...

Go fuck her, babe.

I told her you've got an incredibly cute freckle hidden somewhere that she should look for, so I expect the two of you will be preoccupied for quite a while. Meaning, if you're too busy to call me tonight, I understand. I'll be busy too, trying to imagine what you're going to tell me later.

I want to know everything, okay? I want to know where Danica's secret freckles are. I might not ever get to find them for myself. For some reason I feel like a coworker fucking my girlfriend isn't a line but fucking a coworker myself is—maybe we should ask Professor Ben why that is—but when I look at her on Monday, I want to know the exact spot under her clothes I could find those freckles. I want to know how many times she makes you come, and how many times you make her come, and if she's better at eating your pussy than I am. And if she is, I want to know why, so next time I see you I can blow your fucking mind the way I'm pretty sure she's going to. When she fingers you, I want you to remember exactly what you're thinking so you can tell me when I talk to you tomorrow.

I should not have written this email when I was supposed to be listening to the keynote speaker.

What are you still doing reading this? Go, babe.

Go fuck her.

I love you,

J.P.

From: nellie.bellie@notgmail.com 

To: jpm@marchand.ca 

Subject: You're the worst

Dear Bastard,

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Seriously?

You send Danica—freaking Hot Danica—to MY MOM'S HOUSE like she's some kind of Fuck-O-Gram and I had to sit there scrambling to find some excuse to give my mom about why she was there? Do you know she showed up wearing yoga pants that basically looked painted on and a shirt with no bra so I could absolutely see her nipples through it?

You see this woman almost every single day and you're NOT FUCKING HER????

What is WRONG with you?????

I always knew you were a bastard, but I didn't think you were an idiot. You should totally be hooking up with her. I fully endorse it.

Because yes, I fucked her. Yes, I absolutely left her standing in the kitchen with my mom as they talked about yoga while I ran up to my room and packed a bag so I could "go out dancing" with my "friend" and instead of taking a cab by myself, would stay at her hotel for the night because I'm a "responsible and mature adult" who was "making good choices."

And yes, I found every single secret freckle on her body, but how would you even know if I'm lying or not, since you've never looked for them yourself?

I guess you could ask her if I did or not, but it'll have to wait until she wakes up. I wore her out a little, I think. She's passed out on the bed right now, still naked, sleeping with her mouth half-open. Which is kind of funny because she has this kink she told me about where... well. I'll tell you about it another time. It's one I think you'd like, if you ever fuck her yourself.

That's probably why I can't sleep. She's too distracting. It has nothing to do with me thinking about you and how much I love you or anything. Even though I should theoretically be just as worn out as she is since we both came the exact same number of times. And I'm assuming you're asleep because you're an old man and it's past your bedtime, which is too bad, because I feel like you'd really get off hearing about all the ways Danica and I made each other come.

Probably my favourite was the third time she was eating me out and finally found my freckle. It was my favourite because I can't wait to describe it to you so that the next time YOU have your head between my legs and go to kiss my freckle, you can think about how Danica squealed with delight when she discovered it. And how she didn't kiss it hello like you do—she licked it, then bit that spot softly, looking up at me while she sank her teeth into my thigh.

It didn't take her long to make me come after that.

You would love fucking her. You would love wrapping your fingers in her hair while she sucked your cock, just like I did while she ate me out. And between you and me, she would totally be into sucking your cock. I know you think she's got the same opinion as you about fucking coworkers, but she would make an exception for you.

Anyway, I thought I'd write you an email, even though I know you won't get it until tomorrow morning and you said you understood if I didn't call you tonight. It's definitely not because it felt weird not to say goodnight to you or something and that was why I couldn't get to sleep.

And... I guess I wanted to say thank you. Because like the bastard you are, you weren't wrong. And this was really awesome.

Love,

Nellie

J.P.: Just so you know, in four years when you're the age I am now, I'm going to remind you about all the times you've called me old.

Nellie: You're actually up?

J.P.: Yeah. In more ways than one, now.

Nellie: Show me.

J.P.: You literally have a naked woman sleeping in the same room as you. What do you need a picture of my dick for?

Nellie: Uh, because Danica and I like dicks, too? Don't you want us to get all turned on looking at pictures of your cock?

J.P.: LOL you're not showing my dick to Danica.

Nellie: Why not?

J.P.: Babe. She's my coworker. No fucking coworkers.

Nellie: She wants to fuck you.

J.P.: Of course she does. Everyone wants to fuck me. But she agreed that fucking coworkers is a bad idea.

Nellie: Did she, though? Or did she find out that you and I both think she's hot by reading an email where you specifically stated you wouldn't fuck her because she was your coworker, so she just assumed she wouldn't have a chance with you?

J.P.: And what makes you think that's what she wants?

Nellie: She told me.

J.P.: Sure she did, babe.

Nellie: She did. After... hmm. I think the third time we came? We were taking a break and lying on the bed talking. She asked me what fucking you was like.

J.P.: Did she? What did you say?

Nellie: You'll have to ask her.

J.P.: lol. Okay, babe. But that doesn't mean she wants to fuck me.

Nellie: Oh, of course not. But then her face started getting all pink while I was explaining what your cock looked like and I thought that might mean she was getting turned on. So I put my hand between her legs and sure enough, she was SOAKING wet.

Nellie: So then I started fingering her slowly as I was talking. She closed her eyes after a bit and I asked if she was okay and she said yeah, she was just imagining it was you fingering her instead. And then she got all embarrassed that she'd let that slip so I asked her if she actually did want to fuck you.

Nellie: And guess what she said?

Nellie: Are you going to guess?

Nellie: JPPPPPPPPPP

J.P.: You're killing me, babe.

Nellie: If Danica was the kind of person who was going to make things awkward at work just because you two fucked, do you really think she'd be the kind of person who would even be your friend, let alone have agreed to come to Toronto and fuck your girlfriend knowing full well that I'd be telling you every single detail afterward?

Nellie: Do you?

Nellie: JEANNNNNNN-PAULLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

J.P.: Whoever it was that made you hate the legal profession so vehemently did a major disservice to the industry.

Nellie: Yeah, but then I'd be a sleazebag lawyer like you. So is this your way of saying I'm right and you should totally fuck Danica?

J.P.: I'm admitting that you make a valid point. That's it.

Nellie: Suit yourself. But either way, we were talking about you sending a dick pic for me and her to look at. Or...

J.P.: Are you waiting for me to ask "or what"?

J.P.: Fine. "Or what, babe?"

Nellie: One sec.

J.P.: ...?

Nellie: Wanna FaceTime?

J.P.: Not worried about waking Danica up?

Nellie: She's up. And naked.

Nellie: And kind of into the idea of us FaceTiming you and then setting the phone up near the bed so I can give you a virtual tour of all her secret freckles.

Nellie: It technically doesn't break your rule, even though it's a stupid rule that should be abolished. You'd just be watching.

Nellie: JPPPPPPP

Nellie: If you really don't want to, just say that. I'll drop it.

Nellie: Okay, look. If I know you—and I do—you're probably frantically trying to find the tiniest pinprick of a hole in my logic and failing. And as much as I'd love to continue this conversation where you're not responding to me, there is an insanely hot naked woman standing right here whose pussy looks like it needs to be thoroughly licked again. So I'm going to set the phone down on this nightstand here, and I'm going to start a FaceTime call.

Nellie: If you decide to answer, see you soon. If not, goodnight, and I love you.

Nellie Belanger would like FaceTime...

Call accepted. Connecting...

Thanks to SisterJezabel for this awesome event idea! Special thanks to Nora Fares, bebop3, and all the other beta and proof readers who helped with this story. Paul M, Kevin Matheny, centralsquareguy, KW, AG, PM, N, ED, KJ, MidNyt, and RP - thank you all for your support.

I hope you enjoyed the story!