Dear Diary

She just left that hanging in the air, as I looked aghast. She continued, "I regret what I had done, and I moved on then met Bruce."

I jumped up, started crying, "I don't want anyone else. I do not want to move on."

She stopped me and grabbed my hands, "that's not what I am saying. Sometimes we make mistakes, so I understand to some degree what you're going through. I am going to do everything to fix this, there's a big difference between my situation and yours, you two have Ava. Elizabeth, I have always wanted to have a daughter and you are my daughter now! Now listen to me give him some time let us work with him I will keep you informed of everything I know. Bruce is a little bit angry with you but we still loves you and I am certain Keith does too. We are going to go down to your place and we are going to get some of your things. I want you to stay, you and Ava here with Bruce and I tonight.

I don't think Keith is coming back soon and you should not be alone. So come on girl let's finish up these cups of tea and get some things. We will settle back here for the night and re evaluate in the morning."

She gave me a hug and I told her I loved her and she stated." I know you do dear, now come on."

We went back to the house and gathered some things. I went back to mom and dad's. I text Keith again and again without any reply. I even tried calling but his phone went to voicemail immediately. I settled in and took a shower again and then played with Ava. Then moped around for the evening, hoping to hear from my husband. By Ava's bedtime I said I was going to go to bed early I was tired.

Dear Diary

Sunday morning I woke up and looked at the clock trying to re evaluate as to where I was and where my husband is, when it all came back to me. Seeing the alarm clock 10:30 I jumped out of bed and went to the room that Ava sleeps, when at her grandma's. She was not there, I rushed into the kitchen. Bruce was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee, he said, "relax Betty's taken her out to do some shopping for us while you slept. She said you needed it, sit have a coffee with me, we need to talk."

I sat down and began to apologize to my father in law, for my inappropriate behavior to his son. He held up his hand to stop me from talking." I am disappointed in you Elizabeth, but that does not mean I do not love you any less."

I covered my eyes with my hands and began to cry as he spoke.

"Now tell me who is this guy, I want his name, does he work with you?"

"No he does not work with me, he is from another office." I told him David's name and what I knew about him and that I'd never met him before or planned to ever see him again. "I promise you Bruce, I am going to fix this, I'm going to do everything I can."

" I do not know how you are going to do that, Elizabeth! I talked to Keith yesterday he is pretty upset."

Tears running down my face, I looked at him and begged. "Where is he, please tell me where he is, so I can go to him. He won't answer any of my messages."

"Like I said my son, is pretty upset. Give him time, Elizabeth. In the meantime, talk to me if there is anything I can relate it to him when I hear from him. I am not certain where he is today, but he promised me he would text me at some point."

"Dad please, tell him I love him, tell him not to give up on me and Ava"

I heard Ava and Betty come in the door. I wiped my tears and tried to smile as I turned. "There's my little girl."

"Mommy." My little girl cried out. Ava gave me a big hug and then went off to play, while Mom sat down at the table with the two of us. She informed me that she picked up some groceries for the both of us.

Helping her put groceries away we then loaded Ava in the baby's seat. Proceeding down the street to my house to put the rest away. I invited Mom in for a cup of tea and Ava watched a Disney movie. I offered to pay her for the groceries but she would not hear of it. I began to cry again," Mom I really miss him. I do not know what to do, he will not answer my calls, I do not know how to fix this!"

She gave me a big hug and said, "just give him time sweetheart, Bruce and I are both trying to talk to him. He has not spoken to me either, I just got a quick text from him yesterday saying that he was fine. I know he had a small conversation with his dad, I will let you know if either one of us hears from him."

After her cup of tea she gave me another hug and went back home. I started my new normal, getting ready for work without my husband, the love of my life.

Dear Diary

Monday morning I drop Ava off at Mom's and drove to work. The entire shop was a buzz talking about the success of the convention. I kept quiet and to myself, a couple of the other girls asked me if I was ok. I said I was just not feeling well. During my lunch break, I tried calling Keith again and texting. Still no answer. That night when I got home before I picked up Ava, disaster struck. I came in the house and realized Keith had been there and taken his clothes and personal things. Immediately I tried calling him again, text and calling to no avail. Then called his mom, crying so hysterically on the phone she could not understand me. I just hung up and within a few minutes she was at the door, she told me that Bruce was looking after Ava.

"He's gone Mom he is gone, he's taken his thing, aaand this......" Holding up the letter he left.

"Calm down, calm down sweetheart, he is not gone. He's only taking the things that he needs, he has a life here. Listen he texted Bruce today and he told him that he needed a week's vacation. Keith is not gone, this is his home, his family, his daughter. Give him the week sweetheart I am sure things will be fine. Let me read the note."

*******

Beth

I don't want you to think I am being vindictive by leaving, you can not even begin

to believe the pain I'm feeling... I am punishing myself as much as you, I love

you too much. I would eventually cave in to you and I would not be able to

respect myself... Good Bye Elizabeth.

Take care of our little girl, learn from our mistakes and teach her well.

********

"OK, Ok, calm down. I know it does not sound good. Ok, let him heal, Elizabeth, In the mean time, you take the time to figure out how this could have happened and work on you! I am going to go back and talk to Bruce, I will bring down Ava. You go take a shower and relax and pull yourself together. That little girl needs you."

Dear Diary

Well, today's Valentine's Day. It has been three weeks since that horrible day. I still have not heard from my husband personally, nor can I get ahold of him. Bruce told me that he has decided to take a trucking job at another location but would not elaborate as to where he was. Where he was working or when he was coming home still uncertain. I believe Bruce I do not think that he would keep that information from me, he knows how much pain I am in. Bruce has a good heart with a rough exterior.

My life consists of working going home, looking after Ava sleepless nights, returning to work again. A purgatory Groundhog Day. The highlight of my week was hearing back from my doctor that I got a clean bill of health for STD's. The joy of being women, a pap smear and a mammogram. Scraped and tits though a ringer. (FUN WOW) I am finally getting Ava potty trained, that's been fun too. (sarcasm, sarcasm)

I called my Dad last week, wanted to talk to him about what I was going though, but he was busy complaining about his aches and pains. I decided not to at this time, it disappointed me he never ask or inquire about his Granddaughter even.

I sit here alone on Valentine's Day, wishing I could change the past wondering where my husband is tonight. A week ago there was a big buzz at work it turns out David from the other location was mugged. From what I hear from the other girls he is still in the hospital. Multiple broken fingers, some sort of groin injury and a broken jaw. When I heard about it I began to wonder if Keith, his father, one of their friends or work associates had something to do with it. Being too coincidental to just be a random mugging! When I picked Ava up after work and told mom and Bruce about what had happened, Bruce stared at me with a stoic look, then piped up and said, "he had it coming," and just smiled.

Mom on the other hand is still constantly optimistic telling me Keith has not filed for separation and most of his things are still here. This is his and your home, you are his wife, Ava is his daughter. He has to come back sometime she stated, everything is going to be fine. I am so lonely, I hurt so much.

I suddenly remembered the bottle of wine stored away in the garage. Every year on Valentine's, we buy a bottle of Seduction Red wine for the following year. Not that I had planned on drinking it. I wont touch alcohol again, unless my husband is with me. It was a tradition that Keith and I had started. I guess that tradition has come to an end. I went out to the garage to get it. Planning on putting it on the kitchen table to remind me of last years Valentines. There on the shelf under the bottle was an envelope. Picking up the bottle and I brought it into the kitchen I put the wine on the table and sat down. My hands were shaking as I opened it up...Inside was a card turning it over.O my God, it a valentine how! When did it get there, Opening it up I read

Beth I know I could not let this day go by without

thanking you again for the give you gave me,

my little valentine, Ava. She is and will always

be the produced of the love we shared. I can

never, Thank You enough.

I drop the card to the table and cried for an hour. After I shut off the kitchen light. I will put the bottle back in the garage in the morning and hope for better days. Slipping into Ava's room, I kissed our sleeping love child goodnight and went to bed.

Dear Diary

It is Easter Sunday, I spent the day with Mom and Bruce, I feel strange calling him dad. But lately Bruce has been more of a father to me then my own. On Friday after church, Mom told me that she heard from her son at last. He told her he had a contract, working for a mining company driving a Caterpillar 767. She looked it up on Google and showed me the pictures of what a 767 was. She implored him to come home, that we all missed him. She told me that she spoken to him about the mistake that I had made and how remorseful she believes me to be.

Mom told him that Ava needs her daddy, she said the phone was silent for the longest time, when she asked if he was still there? Keith replied, "I love you Mom, I have to go" and hung up.

We both had a good cry over that conversation. I informed Mom, that large amounts of money have been going into our joint bank account these last three months. She stated, "he is a good boy, he's still looking after you girls financially anyways. Do not give up on him sweetheart."

I told her I have no intention of giving up until I draw my last breath. I love him and miss him so much.

Grandpa Bruce was so good with Ava, helping her with her Easter egg hunt. The following week, the girls at work invited me out for a girl's night multiple times and I just did not want an opportunity where there could be some misinterpretation. My heart is not in it, nor would I want to, if my husband did not know what I was up to.

I can not get ahold of him but keep trying. I have not called or text every day, like I used to in the first weeks but still do frequently, months have now gone by. I found myself sneaking away into the bathroom while everybody was cleaning up after Easter dinner, trying to reach Keith, to no avail.

Dear Diary

Today is Mother's Day and an interesting day it turned out to be. I was not looking forward to this day for so many reasons. One the passing of my mother so long ago. Two, not having my husband here to celebrate with his daughter and myself. Three, today is our wedding anniversary. But like I said some interesting things did come out of today. I got up early and got Ava ready, because I had planned on taking Mom out. Us three girls had a reservation for high tea at a local lounge. As I finish putting Ava into a pretty little dress and tied a bow in her hair, the door bell rang. I was not expecting anybody, so was surprised when I opened the door and it was a delivery man.

Holding the largest bouquet of beautiful flowers I had ever seen, unfortunately offering no card. I asked the delivery guy if he knew who they were from. He said "I just deliver I have no idea ma'am."

I tried calling the flower shop to see if there was some kind of mistake, but they said my name and address where correct. They had no idea who the purchaser was off hand. I put them in a vase on the kitchen table. When the phone rang, to my surprise it was my Dad, wishing me a happy Mother's Day. We had a really nice talk and he even said hello to Ava, on the phone. I asked him if he would come visit, he asked me why don't we come down to Florida and see him! I said, "it is a little bit more difficult for me right now dad with Ava and everything."

I did not want to leave the house until I know what is going on between Keith and myself. Dad promised me that he would come visit in December. I told him to say hello to his wife for me. Even though I am certain she does not really care for me. I just get that feeling, I do not know why.

Anyways after getting off the phone we went down to the in-laws and I quizzed them both about the flowers. Asking if they had anything to do with it. They assured me it had nothing to do with them. I had no idea who it could be, mom was certain it was Keith, who had sent them. She inform me that he had called and wished her a happy Mother's Day.

Once again, bless her heart, She started singing my praises and tell Keith, how much I love him, missed him. Again Mom said, he was very quiet and said that he had to go. That again brought out the water works and I had to run to the bathroom, freshen up.

I think Bruce was happy to have us girls out of the house. The weather today was absolutely beautiful. We had the opportunity to have our high tea out in the gardens at the restaurant. I do not want to say that I am losing hope, but the months are going by and I keep trying to reach my husband. I was so stupid, I can not believe that I made such a terrible mistake. In the evenings I find myself on Google researching, trying to find ways to better myself. Looking into causes of infidelity, how to be a better wife. How to win back your man, any videos I can find for self help.

I feel weird putting this to pen, but if you can't trust your diary who can you trust. I woke up last night in the middle of the night, having an erotic dream about my husband. I was so horny, I had to bring myself to orgasm. I haven't done that since the day he left... Shhhh, don't tell no one.

Dear Diary

I had a couple of girlfriends over to the house last week. We opened a bottle of wine, I drank tea, which they teased me about and we watched a Hallmark movie. It was nice to have them over, Ava enjoyed the company as well.

The next day I called my dad and said happy Father's Day. Then went over and said happy Father's Day to Bruce. Mom and I went out to do some grocery shopping. Bruce volunteered to look after Ava. When we got home I was carrying in the grocery's with Mom, when Ava came running up to me and threw her arms around my legs. "Mommy, Mommy, I talked to Daddy."

I almost dropped the groceries, thank God, Bruce was there to hold me up. He explained to me that Keith had called to wish him a happy Father's Day and he had put Ava on the phone. He's not sure about what the conversation was, but Ava and him were on the phone together for a few minutes. Bruce took the groceries and I sat down on the sofa. Ava jumped up on my knee and I started crying. She said, "are you sad Mommy?"

"No baby, I am happy, happy you talked to your daddy, do you remember what daddy said?"

"Yes I remember, he said he loves me." Mom took Ava in her arms and gave her a big hug while I ran to the other room. I was crying so hard I was beginning to hyperventilate. I sat on the bed in the guest bedroom when I heard a knock at the door. Bruce came in with a glass of water for me and sat down beside me. I did my best to calm down a little and drank the water and then handed him back the glass, thanking him. Then he shocked me by doing something he had never done. Bruce, put his arms around me and gave me a hug.

He said, "Elizabeth, I know I said I was disappointed in you, and I know I have not been overly vocal in trying to get you to back together." He just paused for a moment and just held me as I wept. Then he let go of his embrace, put his hands on my shoulders and said, "look at me"

I had a hard time looking him in the eyes, but I did. I could see my husband Keith in his eyes. He said," I want to take back my earlier statement. You are a good woman and a great mother. I am proud of you and I will put my support behind you. Do everything I can to convince my son, that if he does not come back to you, he is making the biggest mistake of his life. We all make mistakes, Elizabeth, and I know you are remorseful. Why don't you just rest here for a minute and come out when you are ready?" Bruce got up and walked away and closed the door.

Dear Diary.

It is been 27 weeks since the last time I saw my husband. It is a beautiful July summer day, tomorrow is my 30th birthday. Today I thought I would have some girlfriends from work over for a barbeque. The conversation inevitably came up again and I explained to everybody that my husband was working on a contract job in the mines up north. That was not a lie, I did not need to say anymore about my situation. Mom came by a little later on and picked up Ava said she would look after her. Ava was a big hit among my friends, but I was happy to have mom look after her so I could relax with some friends.

There was lots of wine for everybody. But I split a pot of tea with one of the older ladies who said that she did not drink. After my little get together BBQ, Bruce came by and brought Ava home. Bruce asked me if I had a few minutes, he needed to talk to me about something. I said, "sure Dad, give me a minute to tuck Ava in, it is her bedtime anyways." I do not know why, but his words unnerved me.

He said." Let's go into the living room and talk for a minute."

We sat across from each other and Bruce sat quiet for a moment, then he said. "Elizabeth, I talked to Keith on the phone today, he called me. I told him that I have been keeping a personal eye on you all the time that he has been away and you have been nothing but an honorable wife and good mother. I also said son, there is no guarantee that another woman in your life would never falter. Nor is there any hard proof that, you Elizabeth, have not learned a hard lesson and would never falter again! Son what I am saying is possible boy you need to look at this from the bigger picture. Other than what happened has she not been your everything? Mother to your child, best friend, the wife you chose over all others! Your relationship maybe off track per say, based on your original vow, but can't you start over and forgive?

Nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes and if you are trying to hide from pain, you can not. There is going to be pain in the future. There's going to be illnesses, there is even going to be death, but if there's love!

We need to hold on to that every day and try to forgive move past the days that are not what we anticipate. I do not know if I got through to him or not Elizabeth but he did listen and he told me that he would think about everything I said and that he has been thinking for a long time."

I jumped up and hugged him and said "I thank you for everything that you have said and done. Regardless of what Keith decides, I would hope that you will always be there for me and I will be there for you and Betty."