Dear Diary - Phone a Friend

15 June 2022; 8:18 pm

Dear Diary,

Curt is such an asshole! He's not even man enough to breakup with me in person! Who the hell breaks up with a text?

First Sean cheats on me after five years of marriage, and then, just when I'm ready to start trusting men again, Curt dumps me. Why? I thought he was happy. I wasn't clingy or jealous, I didn't complain when he wanted to do things with his friends, and I was willing to do things he liked. He never mentioned there was something wrong... so... why?

I don't understand. Why can't I find anyone who wants me? Am I asking so much?

I stared at my laptop screen, reading over what I'd written. A few years ago, during my divorce, I'd collected all my old diaries and transcribed the entries into Word documents. My intent at the time was to start recording myself in a kind of video diary, but after only a few entries, I decided I didn't like doing that, transcribed my words from the videos, and went back to writing my thoughts down. I sniffed and wiped my nose with another tissue. I'd continued keeping my diary on the computer because it was easier and faster, which I liked, but sometimes, like now, I missed holding my little books while reading past entries, able to sense my mood by how my handwriting appeared on the page.

I sniffed again as my eyes welled with tears. Men were such assholes! Nearly four years ago, on a Thursday evening as I was preparing dinner, with no warning or explanation, Sean told me he wasn't happy anymore and was divorcing me. As I cried and begged him to talk to me, he'd silently collected his clothes and PlayStation, and that was the last time I saw him outside of legal proceedings. It was weeks before I'd learned that when he'd left our apartment, he already had another place waiting... and someone waiting there for him.

It had taken me more than a year to start dating after my divorce was finalized, and another year after that to start to trust. I'd dated a few losers that I'd ended it with when I realized I was better off without them, and a few more where we both recognized we weren't right for each other. While we hadn't discussed forever, Curt was the first man I was starting to feel close to and thought I might have a future with.

Now this. I think what hurt most of all was being ignored, or blocked, when I replied to his text, asking what I'd done and if we could try to work out whatever was bothering him. I sniffed, struggling not to cry again.

I didn't know what was wrong with me, or what I was doing that was causing men to dump me. I was no model, but I tried to stay fit, I had a good job so I could comfortably support myself, I didn't do drugs or drink excessively, I was loyal, and I'd enjoyed Sean and Curt's company and touch. I sniffed again as I tried to think of what else a man might want from a partner.

I felt so alone and unwanted, and I wished I had someone to talk to. All my friends were married, and I didn't want to call them crying. I'd cried on their shoulders enough when Sean broke my heart, but now they saw me as the happy divorcée they all said they envied. I sniffed. If they only knew.

I looked at my phone and Curt's text. It had arrived about two hours ago, and I was still reeling. I'm sorry, but I don't want to see you anymore. Maybe one day we can be friends, but for now I need to cut off contact with you. This is really painful for me, so please respect my decision and let me move on in peace.

I whimpered as a single tear dropped onto the screen of my phone. I wiped it away, sniffing as I continued to stare at the message, reading the text again, and then again, trying to find some meaning, some clue in the words to tell me why, after seven months of what I thought were good times, he abruptly didn't want me anymore.

I flipped to my contacts and slowly scrolled through the names, looking for anyone I felt comfortable calling. I paused at Toni Bellamy. Toni and I did title searches for the law office of Wilson, Clarke, Howard, and Teele. She and I weren't close friends, but I liked her well enough, and we sometimes had lunch together. I felt kind of sorry for her since the entire office ostracized her as much as they could without being complete assholes, but having worked with her for eight months or so, I knew she was smart, funny, hardworking, and most important of all, competent. How she lived her life outside of work didn't matter to me.

She'd told me more than once if I ever wanted to do something after work, to call her. I sniffed, wondering if she was as lonely as I felt right now. I stared at the phone for a long moment before pressing dial, wanting to hear a friendly voice. I listened to the phone purr, once, twice, and then a third time. I was about to end the call when Toni answered.

"Hey, Emily. What's up?"

"Hi," I whispered.

"Emily? Are you okay?"

"Can... do you have a couple of minutes to talk?"

"Sure... but what's wrong?"

"I'm..." I blubbered. "I'm just having a hard time right now."

"What's wrong? Are you in danger? Are you okay?"

"No."

"Where are you?"

"Home."

She was quiet for a moment. "Are you alone?" she asked quietly.

"Yes. I just need someone to talk to."

She said nothing for a pair of heartbeats. "Send me your address," she said, and I could hear the relief in her voice. "I'll be right there."

I wept, incredibly grateful for her offer. "That's alright, you don't have to. I just need--"

"Nope!" she interrupted. "I'm walking out now, so send me your address."

I blubbered again. "Thank you," I murmured.

16 June 2022; 5:19 pm

Dear Diary,

I'm so confused. Last night didn't go at all as I'd expected. I called Toni, just wanting to talk to someone, to a friend, wanting to hear someone tell me I wasn't worthless. She'd done that, but she'd done more. She'd spent the night... in my bed... and I liked it. I liked it a lot.

I'm not ready to jump into another relationship right now, but last night Toni made me feel... special... and wanted... and I do know I want to feel more of that. I've never slept with someone on a first date before... but last night wasn't exactly a date, not really... but even if it was, it wasn't like I'd just met her. I've been working with her for nearly nine months. In any case, I've taken her up on her offer for dinner, and... I guess I'll see how it goes. Maybe I'm already starting to get over it because, while I'm still smarting from Curt dumping me, now I'm sometimes more upset by the callous way he did it than I am about the fact he did.

She went home early this morning to shower and change. After she left, I considered calling out sick. I was still tired and sleepy from last night, and I was afraid work would be incredibly uncomfortable. I didn't because I knew I'd have to face her eventually, and putting it off would only make things worse, but it hadn't been awkward at all. The only mention she made about last night was, when greeting me this morning, telling me she'd enjoyed my company and thanking me for calling her, and then asking me to dinner when we went out for lunch together. Other than that, it was business as usual. Maybe she was trying to protect me from being ostracized like she was, but if that was the reason, the rest of the office can go fuck themselves! They should count themselves lucky to know her.

I don't know what's going to happen after dinner. Maybe nothing. Maybe last night was a one off, but I'm not... opposed... to her spending the night again if she wants to. I just hope I can get more sleep tonight than I did last night. Today, after lunch, was rough. All afternoon I felt like I was going to suddenly wake up face down on a table in a puddle of my own drool.

That must be her! 5:30 on the dot, just like she said! Oh... God! I'm getting wet! I might not know what I want... but my cunt certainly knows what it wants!

"I brought wine," Toni said, holding up a partially empty bottle and two glasses as I opened the door. "You sounded like you need it." She smiled as she entered. "Sorry it isn't full."

"That's okay," I murmured as I closed the door behind her. "Thank you for coming. I'm sorry to bother you."

"No bother at all," she said as she placed the glasses on the bar separating my kitchen from the dining room and living room. "I wasn't doing anything fun." She pulled the cork and poured a splash of liquid into each of the glasses. "I hope you like red."

"It's fine... thank you," I said, taking the offered glass.

She took a sip, watching me over the rim of the glass. "Tell me what happened."

I moved to the living room, glass in hand, and Toni followed. I settled on the couch and she perched beside me, close but not crowding me. "I'm sorry to drag you all the way over here. It's nothing, really..."

"Are you going to talk shit about someone?" she asked when I paused.

I looked down. "I don't know. Maybe."

"Oh, good! I'm all ears. Is it about someone at work?"

"No."

"Oh... that's too bad," she said with exaggerated disappointment. I continued to stare at the floor, feeling numb, and now a little guilty for her giving up her evening and driving over here because I couldn't put on my big girl pants. "Emily..." she said softly, "tell me what's happened."

"Curt dumped me," I murmured as I pressed my lips together, struggling not to cry in front of her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "What happened?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know?" I shook my head. "He didn't tell you?" I shook my head again. I picked up my phone, unlocked it, and opened his text before handing her the device. She quickly read the message, my response, and then... nothing. "What a dick!" she cried while handing the phone back to me. "You really don't know?"

I shook my head again. "No. I thought everything was fine. A couple of days ago we were talking about going to the mountains for a weekend."

"What a douche canoe," she growled.

A faint smile played over my lips. "Yeah."

"I know it's hard to hear right now, but you're better off with that asshole gone. Anyone who would do that doesn't deserve you."

"Yeah," I said, my voice flat.

"It's true!"

"I guess. Not the first time though."

"Not the first time?" she asked, her voice incredulous. "Why did you take the asshole back?"

I took a sip of my wine. "Not him. My husband... ex-husband. He came home one day, dropped me like a hot rock, and moved straight in with some other woman. I had no idea it was coming."

"Jesus, Emily. I'm so, so, sorry."

I nodded. "Yeah. Before the divorce was finalized, she kicked his ass out. He wanted to come back, but I told him to fuck off."

"Good for you!"

"I don't know why this keeps happening. What's wrong with me? Am I ugly... do I smell bad... what?"

"There's nothing wrong with you. Those two assholes didn't know what they had. You deserve better, and I, for one, am glad they're out of your life."

"Maybe."

"No maybe. Men are such assholes." I glanced at her. "I know, I know," she said with a tiny smile. "Why do you think I'm not one anymore?"

Toni was a pretty woman of about my age, thirty-five, with long strawberry blonde hair--more strawberry than blonde--beautiful hazel eyes, and enviable skin. The fact she'd been born Anthony Bellamy didn't matter to me after I adjusted to the idea. She was tall, standing at least five inches over my own five-six, and was heavily built for a woman, but I knew from our few lunches together men took her as a biological woman without question or hesitation. Her breasts were larger and firmer than my own, but they fit her well, and her voice was a deep, soft, sexy purr. I didn't know if she was still transitioning or was finished, and I felt it was too personal a subject to ask.

"Sorry. I didn't mean anything."

"Emily..." she scolded gently. "You know me better than that. You know what I am, and I know what I am." Her lips thinned slightly. "The whole fucking office knows what I am, but I don't care about them. You, however, I do care about. You can't know how much I appreciate you not treating me like a freak."

"Why would I?"

"See... that's why I like you. Because of my... unique... perspective, I'm a woman who's something of an expert on men, and I can say without fear of contradiction that most men are knuckle dragging barbarians or assholes who don't deserve the woman they've got... if they even have one."

A smile touched my lips. "That seems a little harsh."

"Maybe... but it doesn't make it any less true."

"But I like men." I looked down as a wave of sadness washed over me. "I'd like to have one... someday."

"I like men too." She smiled. "I just don't want to be one." Her smile spread slightly. "Go on. I know you want to ask."

I flushed, the room suddenly incredibly warm. "No... that's okay."

Her smile spread even more. "Yes... I still have my equipment." She looked around as if making sure it was safe to tell me some great secret. "Since it's just us girls here," she whispered, leaning closer, "I'll admit that I like women too."

"So you're...?"

"Bi?" she asked when I didn't continue. I nodded. "Sort of, but not really. Pan. Best of all worlds." She paused and became more serious. "Does that make you uncomfortable?"

"No," I said as I shook my head. "Should it?"

A small smile colored her lips. "No."

I took a sip from my glass. "From your unique perspective... why does this keep happening to me?"

Her smile disappeared. "I told you. Men are assholes."

"All of them?"

"A lot of them, yes." She grinned again. "Men are like dogs. They can be great companions, but they need training."

I smiled. "You're not very complimentary about the opposite sex." Her humorous bashing of men was starting to gradually lift my mood. It made me feel like the problem wasn't with me, but with them.

She hitched a shoulder. "What can I say? As I told you, I like men. They're great... for lifting heavy things, and mowing yards, and maintaining cars, and taking out smelly garbage..."

I grinned as her voice trailed off. "After they're trained..."

"Now you're getting it!"

I huffed out a sigh, my gaze returning to the floor as creeping sadness began pushing aside the momentary cheerfulness. "I guess. I just... I don't know..."

"Emily," she said, her voice kind. I looked at her. "It's not you, okay? It's not. You're amazing, and I'm honored that you felt you could call me to talk about this."

"Yeah... amazing," I muttered.

She scooted a little closer. "Listen to me. You are amazing. You're smart, beautiful, kind, and when some asshole isn't mistreating you, funny. Since I've known you, you've treated me more fairly than my own family, and certainly more so than anyone else in the office. I meant it when I said I'm honored you called me, and I'd like to think of you as a friend." The corner of her mouth quirked up as she leaned in close, her face close to my neck a moment as she inhaled deeply. "You even smell good," she said as she drew back, a faint smile painting her lips.

I nodded, her words touching me. "I'm going to cry," I whimpered.

"Come here," she said, taking my glass and setting it aside with hers before pulling me into a hug.

I leaned into her, wrapping her in my embrace as she held me, weeping as all my sadness, and perhaps fear nobody would ever want me, came pouring out with my tears. She said nothing, her touch comforting. I cried for a long moment before I began to gather myself.

"I'm sorry," I whispered as I started to pull back.

She held me close. "I'm sorry too," she murmured.

I relaxed back into her embrace, my eyes closed as I soaked up the comfort of her touch. I pulled back again, and this time she allowed me. As I straightened, she gently wiped my cheeks. "I'm sorry. Nobody deserves to be treated like you've been."

"Thank you," I sniffed.

She leaned in slightly. "I'm here if you need me."

"Thank you," I whispered.

She held my gaze for a long moment before she leaned in slightly more as her lips opened the tiniest amount. She was clearly offering me her lips... but she was being subtle about it and leaving the choice up to me. I could easily feign I didn't notice so we both could pretend her offer never happened... but even though I thought of myself as arrow straight, I wanted them. Her offer made me feel wanted... and right now, that was feeling I desperately needed. I leaned in slightly, unable to force myself to fully close the distance. When I stopped, she slowly covered the remaining distance, giving me plenty of time to change my mind. I didn't, and her lips gently settled over mine for a slow, soft kiss.

After a moment, she pulled back with equal slowness, a small smile dancing on her lips. "Nice," she whispered. I nodded, unable to trust my voice as I savored the gentle press of her lips against mine. "I've been wanting to do that with you for a long time," she continued after a pause.

"You have?" I whispered in reply.

"Yes. Almost since I met you. I meant what I said. You're amazing... and kind."

Her lips brushed mine again. I wanted to pull back, knowing it was my hurt and her support that was making me feel this way, but I didn't. "You never said anything," I breathed as our lips parted a second time, but this time she kept her lips close to mine.

"No."

"Why," I whispered as I leaned in and took her lips.

"Because you were with someone," she sighed when our lips parted again. "Because I didn't know if you were interested. Because I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

I took her lips again, more forcefully this time. She responded, taking my head in her hand to hold me in the kiss before she left my lips and kissed me along my jaw.

"I'm not with anyone now," I gasped as her lips and tongue played, my hand holding her mouth to my neck.

She pulled back and held my gaze. "No... you're not." I tried to pull her lips to mine again, but she resisted. "Is this what you want? You've been hurt, and I don't--"

"I want you," I murmured, speaking over her.

"And I want you, but are you sure? We don't have to do this... or we can do it another time."

"Yes, we do... tonight," I murmured as I pulled her lips to mine again. She resisted, but only for a moment, before relaxing into my kiss.

I moaned into her mouth, my desires igniting fully as I opened my lips for her. I tasted the wine on her tongue as she sighed, her kiss becoming more passionate as she leaned into me. I allowed her to steer me to my back on the couch, our kiss deepening before her lips left mine to nuzzle my neck under my ear. I moaned as my excitement continued to build. I wanted her. I wanted her badly.

"Does it work?" I gasped, reaching for her as her lips caressed under my jaw on their way to my throat.

"Yes," she growled, though I'd already discovered the answer by gripping her hardness.

"Take me to bed," I whimpered as she explored the V of my blouse, her lips and tongue teasing the soft mounds of my breasts and the valley between.

She nuzzled the hollow of my neck a moment before slowly rising and moving higher. I groaned, the weight of her breasts pressing against mine incredibly erotic as she held her face close while watching my eyes. I refused to look away and met her gaze with my own.

"Is that what you want?" she whispered.

"Yes," I murmured as I placed my hand on her head and pulled her lips to mine.

She settled into the kiss with a sigh, her weight pressing into me, her breasts weighing on mine exciting me in ways I'd never felt before. I'd never been with a woman before now, and the novelty of feeling her breasts and cock pressing into me caused me to moan into her mouth.