All Comments on 'Death of a Marriage Pt. 02'

Stories where the hapless husband meets a hot woman shortly after leaving his wife is bullshit and an insult to your readers. Might as well have him win the fucking lottery while you’re at it.

Can't wait for the next episode

Nice

Excellent continuation from the original. Now we have more detail about what's going on and it's very intersting. Please don't take too long for the next chapter.

Five Stars

I wonder, after she signs the divorce papers, if she’s able to wend her way back into Rick’s heart. After all, she hadn’t actually cheated physically, nor did she cheat in the traditional sense of having an emotional affair. What she did was listen to a harpy of a friend with bad... horrible advice. There was 24 good years. Does one bad one negate it all?

Or, will Rick meet someone in whatever backwoods he’s in who is much better for him, and younger, and hotter, and sexier, and nicer, and..,

Excellent story.

But get an editor who speaks English.

I don't know what your native tongue is, but it clearly is not English.

3*

This is much improved over part 1. You still need fill in the emotional part that is happening between story steps.

I have seen some very bad writing by beginners, that later improved their skills. Good luck with part 3!

God your english and grammer sucks... get an editor

It was a good effort, but you need to learn how to properly punctuate dialogue. This is incorrect:

After some soul searching Rick replied.

"Come on in."

It should be:

After some soul searching, Rick replied, "Come on in."

The dialogue tag and dialogue itself is all one sentence.

It is a bit unrealistic to have an urban planner and a trauma nurse at 21/23. Rick is not responding but running away like a little twerp. Most wives would have by now woken up, and would have had a long time before.

Poor break point

I appreciate the effort you put forth, but your lack of understanding of American culture and terms is hurting your story. Few people, if any, in America call it a fire brigade. That is just an example. Perhaps this is taking place in Australia or Canada? You also use periods where commas are needed. You create one word out of two on occasion, as in "divorcepapers". An editor would greatly improve your work. Keep writing, please!

Wayyy too long between chapters. It’s not long enough to justify separating like this. Even if it was, you should have had the story completely written and posted chapters within days of the previous submittal. I started reading this and realized I couldn’t remember anything from chapter 1. No vote for now until the final chapter is posted, but the stars aren’t adding up well. Keep writing, but please consider your readers.

Both parts are too short and too far apart. The story loses in this instance. I had to go back and refresh my memory. I will read the next one as well, but I hope we don't have to wait a couple of weeks.

Good story but write more before pages these page to page and a half chapters break up the story too much to enjoy.

I love that the kids know what is going on and are threatening their mother with cutting her out of their lives if she doesn’t cooperate with the divorce.

Very awkward place to end.

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Why the rows of asterisks in the middle of conversations? They're usually used to indicate a scene change or something.

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"Eve almost finished her training as a trauma nurse and had already a job as trauma nurse lined up." - She just finished training as a trauma nurse. Surely she doesn't have a job as a mechanic lined up! Why not just say that she has a job lined up? Yes, it's not a big deal, but's kind of redundant.

My thoughts...very good. An editor would blend it into a very smooth read. Keep it up.

This rate more like a flash interlude instead of a chapter 2.

Decent writing though.

A little stilted because of English being second language, that's an observation not a criticism of the story. The story line isn't bad and with an English editor they could help you develop the character depth a little more. Thank you for this, it must be difficult with the language but better than many tales here written by US and UK authors.

I liked this -- a good improvement on the first chapter. This was a common LW cliche, but not bad for a second story. It would be much nicer though if you can post a little closer together, write the whole story & then publish in chapters? I had to go back to reread chapter 1 to remember the story premise. By all means though - continue this, it has promise to be interesting.

I like the story. Please try to get an editor, or someone who can help you. I understand English is not your native language, and that is the reason why you need someone's help. I look forward to your future efforts.

This is an engaging story. Thank you.

You write well in a language not your own, far better than I could do in any of the other languages of which I know a little. The paragraphs in Pt. 2 show how much you welcome and feedback and want to write English better, so I’ve noted a few things where the English didn’t quite work.

“A sitting room, a kitchen without utilities, on the second floor, between the two decent sized bedrooms a nice bathroom.” I puzzled over “a kitchen without utilities.” I think you meant that the cost of utilities was not included in the rental price, but that would be assumed and at first I thought you meant that the house lacked access to electricity, water, etc.

“If that man loved you any less, he had.” I think something is missing. It did not make sense in English.

“Karin looked, full unbelieve, at her phone” makes sense, but we’d say that she looked “at her phone in disbelief” or “unbelieving, looked at her phone.”

A period or question mark concludes a complete sentence in English. In the case of an interruption, English writers would indicate the interruption with three periods (called an “ellipsis”) like this:

“Why do you call me ‘Mother”? I’m sorry to call this late, but … ."

Eve interrupted, "Let me guess. Dad either disappeared or filed for divorce."

“Eve almost finished her training as a trauma nurse and had already a job as trauma nurse lined up.” If the job Eve has lined up is the same job she trained to do, you don’t need to repeat the job: she “finished her training as a trauma nurse and had already a job lined up.” If the job was slightly different from her training, you might say that she “finished her training as a trauma nurse and had already an entry-level job lined up as a general nurse.”

Prepositions are one of the trickiest things in any language. Even British and American English use them differently. For example, Americans say one thing is “different from” another, while Bris say “different to.” In the US, we would not speak of “the parking lot from a small restaurant,” but the parking lot “of” (in the sense of “belonging to” or “for” the restaurant. And “the GP was under his way” would be “on his way,” “on the way,” or possibly “underway.”

Few final smaller things:

* “knackered” is common and useful word in British English, but is absent from American.

* “you are betrayed” is easy to understand, but (in the US at least) we would use a perfect tense, “you have been betrayed” (a past action that continues to affect you).

* “divorcepapers” would be two words in American English and I suspect would also be in British English. Where German creates long compound words (Vesrsicherunggesellschaft); English tends to use terms like “insurance company,” “air conditioner,” “parking lot,” or “divorce papers” as a single idea or thing, but doesn’t make them into a long compound word.

Who buys permenant furniture for a short term rental?

Wow! This is not your native tongue?? I did not know that and was honestly enjoying how mistake free your writing was. It's as clean as any story I've read on line and as a retired person I have read thousands over the last 6 years.

How far you all gonna stretch this? LOVE slap hapy papy #9

Like the scene from Sixth Sense, “I see Dead People” I see RAAC in the future of this series.

I still like your idea, and your story. But it reads so awkwardly in English , obviously it would flow better in it’s original language. As mentioned previously, you need an editor to help you with American grammar, and usage. If your audience is to be primarily American, you have to write so that we can understand your characters and follow their interactions. Now, finish off the evil twosome of Andrea and Karin, and let Rick move on.

Still a bit rough, maybe add some details, coloring, describe what things look like. More than just conversation.

You need an editor. I haven't done it for sometime, but willing to help you. Your content easily can be polished to receive high 4+ star ratings from high 3+ stars. Example: "full unbelieve" to "full of disbelief". If you haven't submitted this story's Part 3 yet and wish my assistance, please contact me via comments to my biography. Otherwise, I'm willing to work with future stories, too.

WS

I liked the 2nd chapter, as it seemed to flow a little better. Someone who speaks and writes English regularly might be able to help you smooth out your writing. That said, the story is still developing, and is getting better I gave it 4 stars, as it's not bad, but it's also not complete, but is showing some promise. Like someone else commented, you might want to write it out first, then convert it to English. It might help you "get the words out" easier.

I belong to a car web site, in which we have members from all over the world. On it we try to help each other diagnose problems, and the language barrier can be the hardest part of fixing the problem.

Much better flow than the first story. Dialog is a little stiff, you can tell that you're writing in a second language, but it gets the message and intent across quite competently. Thing is, right now his exit from the marriage and her understanding the severity of her actions are the core of the story. Subplots like a random character becoming buddies with him and offering his mom as a pick-me-up feel like an unnecessary distraction.

Looking forward to the next chapter, just hope it's not a pity party for Karin. What she did was worse than cheating. Once you've reduced your partner to slave status in your mind, that marriage has no hope. Like the kids said, she needs to let go and get some help.

Enjoying the story. But as many others have mentioned, you need to get an editor.

This should be a reconciliation story, albeit it will take time a counseling on her side to wake her up to what she had done. The affair if there was one is so far not explained but she can reconnect in time with the help of the kids and a major change in attitude. Hope the author doesn’t ruin it in future chapters.

JoshFrom53, your first chapter hurt to read. The story was just a bunch of sentences jumbled together, there was no flow or rhythm. In chapter 2 everything started to form into a cognitive story, we find that Rick had taken abuse from his wife Karin who had fallen into the clutches of Andrea a coworker at the hospital. So the plot thickens, will Rick find love? What about Karin? How does the man hater survive?

Good read except for some minor structure issues.

...That HDK knows little about Canada.

That being said, I think he is an "AA class Writer".

I agree Josh needs an editor: and needs to complete his story before he submits it.

3***

Really enjoyed it. Please continue the story.

Geez, I could have written this, my ex went through that femdom period with the same results.

Take Windyswimming up on her editor offer. You desperatly need one

""Sir. She needs an ambulance and I need an ice cup, a small one. And can you tell the operator it's an open fracture?"

Few minutes later the man returned with a cup and he told that there was no ambulance in tne neighbourhood but the GP was under his way and would arrange transportation."

Ha!

I know little of Canada? I know where it is and that they tend to write in British English, tossing in the letter "U" in words, like neighbour. I know it is north of the US. I know better than to write a story based in Canada because I know so damn little about the expressions and idioms of that fine country. I do like Canadians, for whatever that is worth.

Interesting start to your story. I liked it. As others have said you need an editor to improve your story telling.

@Anonymous1 day ago

Wow! This is not your native tongue?? I did not know that and was honestly enjoying how mistake free your writing was. It's as clean as any story I've read on line and as a retired person I have read thousands over the last 6 years.

WOW, now you've retired, you can use that time and go back to school. This was full of errors!

So far so good. You can tell English is not your first language.

Very good start. Don't sweat the grammatical errors. Please keep the story going.

Please keep this going. This is a great story.

Hi, JoshFrom53, great start on your story. It does have some minor issues with grammar and punctuation, but nothing too bad. If you need an editor or a beta read on the next chapter, shoot me a PM. I'll be glad to help. SC

Good story, great start!

I have no problem with your English as a second language. Your story is quite good, that's the key. Send me a note, I'd be glad to help you with editing, pre-reading, or ideas.

Keep up the good work!

Good work. Keep it up

I concur with the other commentators. The fact that English is not your first language is obvious but my opinion is that you are doing quite well. The story has merit as a loving wives tale and I am enjoying the story line. I believe that you should continue writing for your own enjoyment and for ours as your readers. Quite good, thank you. I will be looking forward to more of your stories.

It’s an interesting story. And although English is not your primary language (at least from what I can tell), it’s understandable.

Given that English isn't your first language I'm quite impressed. Keep writing!

Your grammar is just plain bad. Fortunately not bad enough to be unreadable, but close. To have kids suddenly appear midway thru the story was surprising. And I doubt he drove 2000 miles in less than 2 days. If the woman had a compound fracture in her ankle she would have been screaming in pain and bleeding profusely. The devil is in the details. Try harder.

I checked your profile and suggest other readers do the same. During my years in Europe I asked many foolish questions while traveling but tried to learn from them. When first visiting the Netherlands one of my silliest mistakes was asking a Dutchman if he spoke English. The answer was usually; "Oh, a little". Then they would carry on a fluent conversation with me. To this day I still treasure my memories of those trips and the people I met.

As others have noted to critiques; If you think you can write a better story...do so.

Oh, and 2000 miles in two days on European highways in two days? It might be long days of travel but at 120 mph (200kpm) in a Mercedes it is possible. Looking forward to Part 3.

I understand that English is not your native language but from my limited knowledge of foreign languages quotation marks are used fairly consistently in most languages. Your use of them is all over the place and it makes it pretty difficult to understand who's talking and when. Example from the first chapter:

"Noop. I don't want it explained. I'm done talking and trying.

It's quite evident that you are running around on me.

I have finished packing. It's time to leave this misery behind and start anew.

I gave everything in our relationship I had to give.

Obviously it wasn't enough because you went looking for a replacement.

(While you don't need to close quotations when the speaker is proceeding in a new paragraph you do need opening ones for the next paragraph)

I still love you and that will always be more or less. After all it was 23 good years. We raised two beautiful kids

But *will not be your safety net nor your punch ball while you are tramping around.

(Did he say the word "But"? Why does his speech start with the nereadable.

And what are the separation lines (=====) doing in the middle of the same dialog? Every time I saw them I assumed (wrongly) that either the POV or the setting was changing. If you did it consistently it would still be wrong but easier to understand but it was random. Pretty sure this method of distinguishing speakers is not used even in your native tongue.

Getting an editor would help make this story...and it is a good one...much more readable.

The plot has kept me interested so I'll keep reading but do us all a favor and let someone edit it before sending it in.

Its not a bad story...could do with a heap of grammar and punctuation editing. Yes it is true there are many women with just as many horrid ideas of men as men have of women, but here is the thing: Women have endured more oppression and violence from men than vice versa throughout our history. The fact that there are men who feel victimized by society is not because of women seeking their rights but by the warrior culture of alphas versus the majority betas...there are no human alphas, it is a bad extrapolation of primate biology to human society. Most male oppression comes from, as with women, other males...try writing about that.

@lujon2019, Re: "Permanent furniture." - Even for a rental you buy furniture, then take it with you. Besides, it's a rental with an option to buy, so it may become permanent.

Much better then the first chapter, flows better and has more meat to the story. Very interesting characters so far, the husband who left because he couldn't take it anymore and the wife with her devil on the shoulder Andrea. Gave this chapter 5 stars if for nothing else it was far easier to read then the first.

I like it, better.....

4.5*, Hooyah...

pretty good so far, try for a little smoother naration and maybe an editor if you don't have one.

Standard incel bs...

Sounds as if the bitch just got bit! Gud for her. LP

Getting better. Like the story. AAAA+++

Please get an American or British editor.

Some of the time your story flows fairly well then you blunder badly; NO GP in America responds to an Amulance call. Maybe in some other country but not in the USA.

He knows first aid? Really, and he is going to assess her OPEN fracture? Nonsense.

His introduction to her was stilted. He would have said sometjing like,"Hi, I'm Rick. That looks painful and you definitely need an ambulance. By the way I didn't catch your name." You took nearly half a page using stilted, overly formal, diague; real people don't speak that way.

It's still a good yarn but PLEASE get an editor. It would help your growth as a writer enormously.

Keep at but get get some assistance.

I hope you choose to ignore the Naysayers on your use of English. Your stories are quite good. Most them have no clue on the difficulties of conversing in multiple languages. Writing is 10 times harder. Please keep writing and enjoy telling your stories your way. I always loved my time around the globe including in your lovely country.

I believe a good story gets ⭐⭐⭐. An excellent story gets ⭐⭐⭐⭐. An outstanding story gets ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐.

I gave your story here ⭐⭐⭐⭐ because it is a really good follow-up to the first one and an excellent read. It kept me interested and you had a really good method of telling the various portions of the story from different points of view while maintaining a vivid imagery. I am looking forward to reading the remaining part of the series.

By the way while I mostly give ⭐⭐⭐to stories, your first in this series got ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ from me because of your interesting way of telling it. I did not comment on it.

I may not comment on the other but please keep writing your stories. They are a great way to help keep the rest of us who cannot write entertained.

Keep Writing

JH4Fun

5* please see part 4 for my overall comments.

I find absolutely nothing wrong with your English or your writing. As a matter of fact, I commend you for not absorbing the bad habits that others exude in like the (...) dot dot dot for a pause or the stumbling, bumbling of speak. Some writers can't write one sentence without an Uhm, erm, er, uh, etc, etc,,, I've edited, read, proofread tens of thousands of novels, novellas, articles, etc, etc,,, and nowhere have I found worse Literacy than I have found here. I don't even read anymore I load stories into my text reader called Text Aloud and edit all that shit out and then set back and enjoy the story told in the voice of Jennifer, a very sexy voice I might add. Don't give up and thank you for being an author rather than a story teller.

Does this really happen. A woman is happily married for 23 years or so, and then under the mentorship of some wicked witch, wants to femdom her husband? Subjugate him to her will? What is the purpose? To get a new lover? Doesn't sound like she was unfaithful yet. Maybe planning to after a divorce threat? What cards did she think she would have to play. Kids are out of house. Maybe some alimony? Splitting the house? Huh? She did this campaign for a year, after 22 years of marriage. Wtf? She was a strewn the entire time. Denied her husband sex for a year in his mid 40s? Wtf? No way. Without a valid medical or psychiatric reason, hell no! Again what was her point, her endgame, beyond some feminism crap? She seems as dumb and manipulatable as some young adult joining a religious cult. Andrea exploited that? Like I said what long married woman without a mental disorder of her own would convert to Andrea's vision and destroy her marriage? Makes zero sense.

Nicely written. Believable. 5 Stars.

Agree with commenter from 4 months ago. Noy believable.

Great stuff so far. Thanks.

It's 'disbelief' not 'unbelieve'. You NEED an editor!

I'm giving 3 stars only, because of the story I think you're trying to write. Where the 1st part needed a bit of help (your writing), this part needed a lot. I had to re-read some sentences over too many times to understand what you tried to say. I'm almost afraid of the 3rd part.

Likewise, from the beginning of him being in the new area, he's getting all these meetings with people; a young lady that fractured her ankle, the doctor, doc's mother... seriously? I've moved quite often & NEVER had anything close to this happen on day 1.

Moreover, he moves into a new house (for him) & doesn't have the basics for a meal & coffee? He's far from poor, having won the lottery. But the author makes him an overall idiot. Well, he had to be to suffer the continued disrespect, etc., given him from his wife. It's also hard to believe he didn't confront her a long time ago.

The wife, listening to her friend, needed a frontal lobotomy for continuing to listen to her while her marriage is going to hell in a handbasket. And she does this after 20+ years of marriage?

All these things together makes the believability portion lacking. Bob

Still like it. A few questionable words interspersed but, still getting the story across.

As I read over the comments, I realize that some people haven't figured out that this is one of JoshFrom53's first attempts to write, the previous 2 chapters being his first. He also says that English is not his first language. Cut the guy some slack. I'm reading his first stories last, because I was saving the one with all the chapters in it. He gets better. Some commenters are saying how the characters are unbelievable, but given the state of a certain country south of where I live, I find it not-so-hard to believe at all. Just remember it's not real in the first place.