Decoding Desires Ch. 05

He hesitates, his hand on the doorknob, but I'm still frozen in place. "Cody, I wanna help you, but I can't do it if you don't open up to me." Still I say nothing, I feel like dying. I'm picturing the little brown pill bottle in my head, wishing I'd been smart enough to have still been taking them.

He opens the door and walks through it. It shuts. His car starts, then the sound fades and is gone. There are tears, and maybe I throw the entire box of pizza at the wall, and maybe I don't. No, I do, it's all over the floor, grease on the wall and I'm even more ashamed. I hate Jace more than I can express. A sudden rage makes me so hot I need to hit something, need to destroy something or I'm going to explode.

I'm not proud of what I do next, but then there's a hole in the wall next to the kitchen door, and hey, at least the grease on the wall isn't a problem anymore. I'm alone, and I know I deserve it, but it still weighs me down like an anchor, pulling me under. My hand hurts, but I don't care. I'm laying on the floor, and I'm pretty sure there's a slice of pizza under my back. Yep, the sauce just started seeping through my shirt. It feels terrible, but I deserve it.

The world feels too heavy and I'm pinned to the floor, tears streaming down my face, staring at the stucco ceiling. It looks like the surface of the moon, and if I angle my head just right it feels like that's where I am, the loneliest place I can imagine.

The sound of my front door opening has me bolting up from the floor, more from nerves than anything else. If someone is breaking in, fuck it, they can take what they want, I don't even care. I lay back down.

The door shuts, there's rustling. "Cody?"

Lee is back? Why is Lee here? I'm imagining things.

"Oh, shit, Cody, come here," Lee says, kneeling down next to me. He looks up at the hole in the wall, then grabs my hand gently, and now I know I'm not imagining things. "You're bleeding. Come on, come on, let's get this cleaned up. Upsadaisy."

He pulls me off the floor and I'm numb and confused, so I follow him. The slice of pizza falls off my back half way to the bathroom. "Why?" It's the only thing I can seem to think, and it slips out of my mouth on its own.

"Because I'm worried about you," he says, flipping on the bathroom light. "Here we go, sit on the toilet." He pushes the lid down and guides me to sit. He opens the medicine cabinet and grabs out the peroxide and some cotton swabs. "Band-Aids?"

"In the car," I say. "First aid kit in the car. Cause of work."

"Oh. Well, this'll do for now. Doesn't look like you'll need stitches, but your wall is pretty banged up."

I'm embarrassed, but there's nothing to do for it. "You shouldn't have come back." It's shitty and I hate myself so much, but I still say it, my demons are in control right now.

"It's a good thing I did," he corrects gently. I hiss as he dribbles peroxide onto my fist. "Sorry, that probably stings." I nod, unable to look at him. He wipes up the foam, dabbing it gently with toilet paper before dribbling more on. "I shouldn't have left. I wish I knew what to say, I keep messing it up."

I laugh, way too loud. "You? I'm the fuck up, Lee. You're too good for me, you deserve better than me."

Lee snorts. "You're off your meds. You had something traumatic happen today, and you're off your meds. You've been having panic attacks all week, right?"

"Not when you're, not when I'm with you," I whisper.

His hands tense on mine. "Really?" I nod, studying the still seeping gashes on my knuckles. "Oh. Well, then maybe I need to be around more often." He chuckles, a sharp, nervous sound that has me looking up at him.

I see him then, a new Lee, someone I've never met before. It's dumb, but he's much more human to me right now, he looks a bit rattled, and a little hopeful. "Yes please," I whisper, barely a sound.

There's a brief silence between us as he cleans my wounds. They stop bleeding, for the most part, but he's still kneeling between my legs, his hands on my wounded fist. "I'll get it refilled. Right now." I nod to the amber pill bottle.

"I want to get some bandages on these," he announces. "You call the pharmacy, and I'll get the bandaids, okay?"

I nod. He squeezes my hand gently, the non-punchy one, then stands up, reaching for my good hand. He helps me up and leads me back to the table. My phone is there, so I pick it up and take it to the bathroom and dial the number on the side of the bottle. It's an automated system, which is nice, because I don't know that I can talk to anyone other than Lee right now.

Hell, I don't even know if I can talk to Lee right now, but I sure as hell need to try. I'm wandering my house, listening and responding to automated prompts, and then I see two blue grocery bags on the table. They look like... are they full of ice cream?

I put the prescription number into my phone and get confirmation that my pills will be ready by noon tomorrow. I hang up and open the bag just as Lee is shutting the door behind himself. There are six pints of ice cream in the bags. I look up at Lee and he looks a little pink in the face.

"Come here, let me finish your hand, then we can have some ice cream, if that's okay." I sit down and he doctors me up, by the time he's done I have five bandaids on my fist. It aches something fierce, but I deserve it. He looks it over, then nods once seemingly pleased with his work. "Nothing feels broken, so that's good."

"What's with the ice cream?"

"A peace offering?" he supplies.

"You're not the one who was an asshole," I grumble. "I should be making the peace offering."

"You bought the pizza," he shrugs it off.

I can't argue with that, and I have a feeling nothing I say is going to be productive, so I let it drop. He disappears into the kitchen and after opening a few cabinets comes back with an ice cream scoop I didn't know I had, two bowls, and two spoons. He takes the pints out one at a time, lining them up in front of us.

Every single ice cream flavor I mentioned sits before us, though the cherry one isn't called whitehouse, but that doesn't matter. I'm crying, not sobbing, just tears are leaking from my face.

"This's probably the nicest thing anyone's done for me in forever," I say, wiping my face and trying to pretend I'm not crying.

He looks at me, then at the ice cream. "We don't need bowls." He hands me a spoon. "Which one do you want first?"

I reach for the whitehouse, then change my mind and grab the salted caramel. "I'm sorry, for what it's worth."

Lee nods, but doesn't say anything. He takes the pint of cookie dough and opens it up, then digs in, a huge freaking spoonful that he shoves into his mouth. A little bit is on his lip and I have a sudden urge to lick it off, but he does it for me, my eyes locked onto his tongue as it darts across his bottom lip.

I owe him an explanation. I'm still in shock, I can't believe he's here, that he came back, or that there's ice cream. "Jace, um, my ex, he..." It's so freaking hard. I'm too ashamed to speak, but I force myself to keep going by tapping an unexpected pocket of will power I didn't know I had before right now.

Still, I eat two more spoonfuls of ice cream before I can say anything else. "So, before I met you, like, I'm lonely, right? And... I was feeling weak, so I was talking to my ex. Again."

"The one Carrie hates?"

"That would be him." I sigh. "He's very... I used to get swept away by him. He's got a strong personality, and he's... I dunno. Anyway."

"When'd you break up?" he asks when I can't seem to figure out where to start.

"Officially? Two years ago. A year ago. Six months ago. And, have I seen him since?" I sigh again, embarrassed by myself when I put it all out there like that. "I'm a weak man, Lee. I get lonely, and he's always good for a lie-down, if you get what I mean. We'll do it a few times, then I'm reminded of why I can't stand him and distance myself until the next time the loneliness is too much to bear. I know it's not a good excuse, but..."

"I understand," Lee tells me in a way that lets me know that he actually does. "When's the last time you were with him, after the break up?"

"I dunno, two months maybe longer? I was, when Carrie texted me on the night I met you I was ready to call him. Desperate, really."

"Why didn't you?"

"Carrie caught me first, and I felt guilty, then I was more worried about her than me."

He nods, and I notice half of his ice cream is gone already, and he shows no sign of slowing down. I guess I did throw the pizza at the wall... "I'm glad, then, that I asked her to ask you out. I felt kinda bad about it at the time, because of your panic attack."

"It wasn't you. I mean, not really. It was Jace, the guilt was eating me. I don't actually like him, he's just good in bed and he... He's the only one who wants..." I can't finish the statement.

"Not true. So, what happened with him today?"

I want to puke, but I also want to keep eating ice cream, so I do that. "So his best friend called me during lunch with Carrie and I told her that I was done with Jace. Like, she was all like, oh, he's worried about you, and it got me feeling bad. But Carrie, she's good at keeping me in check, so whatever, right? Also, she blocked his number and I kept it that way, so he couldn't call me, cause if he did, I was worried that I wouldn't be strong enough to tell him no. Like, he says, and maybe he's right, um, who else would actually want to be with me other than him? And, well, yeah."

Lee looks like he's choking on words he wants to say, but I can't stop now, I have to keep going. "Then, today, somehow he's here when I get home. Like, right after you had to go help your dad, on the phone. I missed his stupid yellow mustang in the road, which is stupid, because it's bright yellow, and a mustang, and his. He's a beautiful man, and he knows me. Knows my weaknesses. Knows how to fuck me up."

Lee's spoon is paused halfway to his mouth, his face way too neutral. Probably shouldn't have said that last part. I can see he wants to ask something, but maybe he doesn't know what to ask. I dunno. He doesn't say anything so I keep going, needing to finish the verbal journey just to get it out.

I sigh. It's so hard to say. I can see that Lee is upset, and it's my fault for not being stronger, and the weight of it all is killing me. "Are you mad at me?" I need to know, and I also am terrified of the answer.

"I'm not mad at you, Cody," he replies, his voice clipped. It makes me cringe and he sees it. His face softens a little. "I'm not mad at you, I promise. What happened?"

I swallow three times, then eat another bite of ice cream, and Lee, he's such a saint, he waits for me and doesn't snap at me or get exasperated. My mouth tastes of vanilla and caramel, but my stomach feels like acid.

"I wasn't prepared, like, was in shock, and he's doing what he always does, treating me like a fucktoy. I mean, I guess I am-"

"You are not a fucktoy," Lee growls. "You are not a fucktoy, Cody. Not to him, not to anyone."

Lee's reaction makes my heart feel a tiny bit better, but I still sigh. "I always was for him. In his mind I still am for him, I guess." Lee's pink in the cheeks and I need to move it along. "Anyway, I try to get back in my car, like, a gut reaction I guess, but he pins me to the car and starts sweet talking me, then tries kissing me."

Lee's anger is unbearable. "He kissed you?"

"I didn't kiss him, he forced me, like pinned me to the car and tried to kiss me. I kneed him in the balls and ran into the house."

"Damn straight you did," Lee says, and I feel like maybe I did one thing right. It's enough to keep me going.

"He said some nasty shit, it really messed with me today. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, you know, with the kiss. Or anything with him at all. It's killing me, like, it's all my fault cause I'm stupid and I kept going back to him. I mean, I knew who he was. Is, I mean, I should've known better, should have expected him to pull some stupid shit like this since his toy got taken away, he's like that."

Lee's hands are fists, and his ice cream is forgotten on the table. I push mine away, then decide I can't handle the stress so I grab up the pints and take them to the freezer just to feel like I could do one thing and not fuck it up.

"What'd he say?" Lee asks, his voice calmer now, but when I look back his hands are still fists. "You know what, nevermind, I don't wanna know."

I'm afraid, not, like, physically afraid of Lee, not like that, but I'm so afraid that this relationship is unravelling before it's even been wound and I don't know if I would be okay if that happened. "I'm sorry." It's barely a whisper, but it's all I can manage right now. I don't know the right words.

"You have nothing to apologize for, Cody, and I mean that a hundred and ten percent. You are not at fault here."

"It's killing me. I should've-"

"You can't change the past, Cody, all the stuff with..." he pauses here, Jace's name is too hard for him to say, "your ex. And today wasn't your fault, though I am sorry this happened to you today."

"I feel like I've fucked this all up."

Lee looks at me, his lips pursed. "Fucked what up?"

"This. Us. My stupid ass, I'm stupid and a loser and you deserve better. I'm the loser who kept going back. Like, you don't need my garbage in your life."

"I'm gonna stop you right there. I already said it, but you can't change the past. Did you make dumb mistakes?" I nod. "Yeah, guess what, Cody? We all do. Everyone. Me, you, everyone. Learn from them and move on. You can't change what already happened. And, for the record, I don't think you're a loser, and I don't think that you're not good enough, whatever that means."

"Still," I hedge. "It's my fault. I feel so dirty, the guilt of all of this is eating me alive."

"Cody, I need you to know that I am not mad or upset with you. I don't think you're a loser, or stupid, or even at fault. I think that you're off your meds, and your ex did some major assholery, and the combination has you all messed up." I must look skeptical, he purses his lips. "Did you call him?"

I swallow hard. "I almost did, the night I met you."

"I know," he confirms. "But since then?"

"What?" I bark, offended, but also miserable that he even thought that. "Of course not! I've got you, I would never-"

"Thank you, Cody. I wasn't trying to make you more upset. I was trying to prove a point. You didn't call him. You didn't invite him over. You didn't do anything, he did. You can't control him, stop letting him control you through your feelings and your guilt."

I don't have words. He's right, but I'm so messed up inside I don't know what to say, to do. I swallow hard, then the words slip out. "I don't deserve you, Lee."

He sighs heavily. "You know what, Cody? It doesn't, it's not about what any of us deserve. Do you want to be with me?"

I look up at him, my heart stopped in my chest. "God yes," I gasp, the fear making it hard to speak. "I just feel like I'll contaminate you."

He nods, then reaches out and takes my hands in his across the table. "Do you feel like Jace contaminated you?"

I nod. "Kinda."

He squeezes my hands, just shy of too hard. "Well, then I just need to decontaminate you."

"Decontaminate?" The mood suddenly changes, lightens, and I don't know how he does it, but he's good at grounding me.

"Yeah. I wanna kiss you where he did, but better. Mark you. Clean him from your skin. Decontaminate you."

It's almost the sexiest thing I've ever heard, but I'm still afraid, and I'm afraid to assume I understand. "Why?"

Lee blinks at me, confused for a moment. "Cody, I can't stand that he touched you how he did. You said he pinned you to the car? With his body?" I nod, so ashamed I could die. "Cody, I want to kiss everywhere he touched you. I want to show you that you're not a fucktoy. I want you to know you deserve to be treated well."

I swallow hard. "Oh. Yeah, um." What do you say after a declaration like that? I'm done for, he owns my heart, and I'm ready to give him my body, too. "Okay. Should I shower first? I mean, I just showered, but then, I mean, I have pizza on my back, or I did, I think it fell off, but the sauce came through my shirt and, um, I could-"

"Cody," Lee interrupts. I know I'm rambling but I don't know what else to do. "Cody!"

"Sorry," I mutter, full of anxious energy. I'm dancing foot to foot I'm so fucking freaked out.

"Do you want to take another shower?"

I nod. "Kinda."

"Then take another shower."

I nod again. "Yeah. Sure." I turn towards the bathroom, then back to him. "Um, Lee?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you, I don't wanna be alone, cause I'll just think too much and get all upset again and-"

"Yes," he says, simple and to the point. "Are you feeling any better?"

"Yes, lots, actually. I'm really sorry about how shitty I was to you earlier. Like, I don't want to be that way, I know I'm being an asshole, but sometimes it's hard for me to... I dunno. Just function like a normal human. Especially when I'm off my meds."

"Well, one thing at a time, right?" he asks, standing up. "We can start with a shower." He puts his hand on the small of my back and pushes me to the bathroom.

"Thanks for coming back," I say, unable to say it louder than a whisper.

"I'm sorry I left," he says as he pushes me through the bathroom door.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Lee."

Lee stops and I stop, too, then look back at him. His lips are pursed as if he's thinking about what to say. "Let me undress you." It definitely wasn't what I thought he'd say. It's not a command, but it's also not a request, it falls somewhere in the middle.

I don't move and he takes that as my acquiescence. He tugs the shirt over my head and when it falls I see the greasy, tomato sauce stained triangle where I laid in pizza. He tugs down my shorts, then pauses.

"What?" I ask, afraid again for general principles.

"Just admiring the view. You wore these for me, right?"

I'm blushing furiously, I can see how red my face is in the mirror and it's embarrassing, but the way Lee is looking at me isn't. "Yeah," I admit. "I mean, I think they make my junk look nice." I turn away and mess with the water.

"Make your ass look nice, too," he adds. I feel his fingers slip under the band and then they are sliding down my legs. "Clean up, Cody. Make it quick, I've got a lot of work to do."

"Okay." It's not a Sir-Brat thing, it's a Lee and Cody thing, and it feels so much more intimate.

"Hey," he says, his eyes locked on the fabric of my silky black shorts as I slide them down my legs.

I kick them off, then turn away from him, blushing. "Yeah?"

"If you aren't ready for this, please don't think you need to do it for me. I wanna do it for you. I mean, it bothers me that he touched you, but I also want you to..." He sighs.

"I'm good, Lee." I step into the water, sliding the curtain closed behind me. "Tell me about your dad."

There's a pause before he answers. "What about him?" he asks as I start to soap up. He doesn't peek in and for some reason it makes me feel special.

"You went there today, right? How is he?"

Lee exhales long and loud enough for me to hear over the water. "Yeah. Okay. Dad's okay. My brother Stevie's out of town for the next two weeks on business, and he's alone. I mean, he's fine, he can live on his own and stuff, but I worry. Usually Stevie is around if he needs something quick."

"Does your brother live with him?"

Lee snorts. "Next door. So, practically. I mean, he built his house next door. Had it built, I guess, he didn't build it himself."

"You never talk about your mom," I say, then instantly wish I could take it back.

He sighs. "I don't. Finish up, I need to decontaminate you."

A shiver of anticipation vines through my body. "That's really sexy," I say, just louder than the splashing of water, not sure if I want him to hear it or not.