Decoding Desires Ch. 07

"I see that. Did you, was it okay? This morning? Should I have not taken it so far?"

I look at him like he's crazy. "What do you mean, was it okay? It was freaking amazing. I'm so horny for you, Lee. I, um... I really, ah, really like the thought that you, um. That you own my dick."

Lee launches himself across the kitchen and we're kissing before I realize it. He pulls me tight against his body and kisses me until my breath runs out and I'm tapping out. "You're too good to be true, Cody."

"I'm gonna be late," I note, not really caring about it at all. I've never not wanted to leave a place as much as I do right now.

Lee pouts, pulling away. "Sorry, you're just so damn kissable."

I step closer to him and he holds up his hand, stopping me. "I like kissable," I admit.

"Go to work, Cody," he chides, then turns around and picks up the burrito again. "Your breakfast."

"Shit, Lee, you're literally the best in the whole wide world," I say, feeling overwhelmed. I take a bite. My eyes slip shut, the burrito tastes amazing. "You're totally amazing."

"I dunno about that," he dismisses, looking embarrassed. "Let me know when you're off? Are you coming back here?"

"If that's okay."

"It's perfect." I can tell he wants to kiss me again, but he puts his hands behind his back and steps back until he hits the kitchen counter. "Have a good day at work."

"Thanks, I'll try, but it's gonna be difficult with your new hard tool in my pants," I say. I blush hard the next second, my heart pounding like mad with how naughty what I just said was.

Lee looks up at me, his cheeks pink. "Go to work, Brat," he snaps, but he's smiling and blushing.

"Yessir," I agree, then practically run out of his house, because if I stay any longer I'm not sure I could stop myself from humping his leg until I nut in my pants. Even the thought of that has my throbbing little man dancing in my jeans, leaking all over the place.

The day is pure torture, but in a good way. Jon-no-h isn't on site today, a breath of fresh air. We've finally caught up with all the last contractor's mistakes, so we can actually begin the work we were hired for. Unfortunately, it's put us two weeks behind schedule, and time is money, as they say.

I'm grateful for all the work, and the pressure, because every second I'm not busy I'm thinking about how tight my balls are, or how much they ache. About how much I wanna just bust one out real quick, and then think about how I'm not allowed, which makes me wanna do it even more. So, lots of work is good. I don't even take a lunch break, instead opting to eat an energy bar I grabbed from the gas station when I refilled my coffee.

The day is finally done, and I'm kinda stupid proud of how much I got accomplished. I'm ready to leave when Bill strolls up to me in a way that has me already wishing I'd left earlier. I think about pretending I didn't see him but I miss the opportunity.

"Hey Bill," I say, hiding a sigh. "What's up?"

"Um, hey, I was wondering if you could work tomorrow, too? You got a bunch done, and we'd really get ahead if you were able to come in and help Donnie and Will."

"They the only ones who're coming in?"

He nods, looking a bit sour. "Yeah. Kinda last minute, so I guess that's how it goes. So, can you come in?"

I'm thinking it over, then remember I'm swimming with Lee tomorrow. Or, am I? We never actually sorted that argument out. If I'm here, then it's not a fight, and Lee doesn't have to worry about whatever it is that has him not wanting to go. "Yeah, I'll work. But, only half a day. I'm doing something with my sister and her kids in the afternoon."

"Shit, thanks Cody, you're a lifesaver," Bill says, looking relieved. "Hey, I also wanted to apologize for my nephew, or at least for me pushing him off on you. I'm trying to keep him busy."

"Thanks, I guess," I say, not really sure how to answer. I decide to be honest. "Sucks that your brother owns the company and can push that shit on you. You should just lay into him one day, kick his ass into gear, so to speak."

Bill snorts. "I'd never get invited to Thanksgiving again," he says.

"Is that a bad thing?"

He laughs. "Thanks for coming in tomorrow. I'll be here, too, so hopefully we can knock out some of the small details so we're ready for phase two next week."

"Yeah, sure," I agree, my mind already wandering to my sore dick. "See ya."

Once I'm in the car and the air isn't six hundred degrees I text Lee that I'm on my way. The site is farther from his house than to mine, so it's gonna take me about forty minutes to get there. I drive by my house, run in and grab more clothes, and my swim trunks, which I forgot to pack the other day.

I'm also filthy, covered in sweat, the remains of SPF 100 sunscreen, dirt, and grime, so I take a shower. It's cold, I'm hoping it can calm down my little man, but he's stubborn today, we're too horny to be calmed by a cold shower. I clean up and leave my dirty work clothes, then grab another set since I hadn't planned on working tomorrow when I'd packed before, then leave.

I'm rock hard when I finally get to Lee's house, so I sit in the car for a minute and try to calm down, but it's not happening, not when Lee is so close, and not with the promise of a reward for being a good boy.

I knock and Lee greets me at the door. "Heya Cody. You cleaned up already?" he says, noting my still damp hair as he lets me inside.

I step inside and sigh in relief, it's the perfect temperature. "Stopped by the house since it was on my way. Showered, grabbed my trunks for tomorrow. Oh, also I gotta work tomorrow in the morning, so I had to get another set of work clothes."

"You have to work tomorrow?" he asks. I don't know him well enough to know if he's disappointed or not. "Aren't we going to Carrie's house?"

"Are we? We didn't ever actually resolve that conversation. I didn't want to push you, since it seemed to really upset you. I mean, I'll still go after work, I'm only working a half day."

Lee sits down on his couch, there's a book beside him open upside down to save his place. He slips the cover sleeve in the pages, then closes it and puts it on the table. It's upside down so I can't see what he's reading. "I just thought, I mean I was planning on going. I told Carrie I would."

I sigh, then sit down in the chair. It's harder than it looks, and not very comfortable. I can see why he was sitting on the couch. "Okay, well, sure. Good. I guess." That cold shower that I took earlier that couldn't tame my horny little man? This conversation has murdered my libido. I'm nervous, I don't know what to say, don't know how to read Lee.

Lee sighs. "I'm, um. I should..."

He doesn't continue, and I don't know what to say. "You don't have to, if it makes you uncomfortable. Or, is it something with me?"

He looks up sharply at me. "I already told you it wasn't something with you. There's nothing you did wrong or anything. This is about me, I don't want you to see it."

"See what?"

He turns away from me, and he's quiet for so long that I'm not sure he's gonna answer me, but he does. "It's embarrassing. I mean, I'm not embarrassed by it, it's just super personal."

"What's embarrassing?" I ask, now ridiculously curious. "I promise not to laugh. I mean, if it's something that would get a laugh." Fuck, I'm fucking this all up. "I mean, you can tell me, whatever it is. Do you have a third nipple?" Stupid fucking mouth.

Lee chuckles, but it's strained. "I don't have a third nipple. This was something, it's something else."

"Oh. Okay. I didn't think it was, but it's something that people have sometimes." I'm struck by a sudden burst of insight. "Does it have to do with why you got upset the other day when I tried to take your shirt off?"

He flinches. Bullseye. "Yeah." He doesn't expound.

I consider pushing it, but I don't. "What do you wanna do tonight? For dinner, I mean. I'm starving. I kinda skipped lunch so I'd get more work done." And so I wouldn't have to torture myself with how horny and frustrated I was all day, but I don't say that part out loud.

"You need to stop skipping lunch," he says. "I would've packed something for you."

"Eh, it's not a big deal. I had an energy bar, one of the shitty ones that taste like if you rolled unflavored taffy in protein powder and cocoa dust."

I was hoping he'd laugh, but he frowns instead. "That's not healthy, Cody."

I sigh. "Okay. So, for dinner?"

"I can cook," he suggests.

"I don't want you to go out of your way for me." He gives me a flat look. "I mean..."

"I would've cooked for myself anyway," he dismisses, pushing himself up off the couch. He heads to the kitchen. I watch the spot where he was for a second before following him. "Ground beef tacos sound good to you?"

"Yeah, sure," I agree, because who doesn't like tacos? He moves around the kitchen grabbing ingredients and cookware. "Can I help?"

He looks around, then picks up a tomato. He hands it to me, then nods to the cutting board. "You really don't have to help, but since you offered, can you cut this? And there should be some romaine in the fridge, wash and cut that, too?"

It feels good to have a task to perform, helps me feel like my feet are on more solid ground. I wash the tomato, then find a good knife on his block. "Cutting board?"

"Behind you, top drawer," he says, nodding in the direction without looking away from his hands. I find the board and begin chopping.

It's not pretty, but we're gonna eat it anyway. I was never really any good at cooking. "I'll get off probably around one tomorrow, so I can meet up with you at a quarter to two, or I can just meet you at Carrie's at two thirty, up to you. Sorry about the work thing, we're on a shit job and we're two weeks behind. Also, pay is good, so it's hard to pass up, y'know?"

"Do you want me to go?"

"To Carrie's? Of course I want you to go. Why would you think I don't?"

"Cause you're working now, and you weren't before."

I shrug. "Sorry. That's the way it is in construction sometimes."

"Do you need the money?"

I shrug again. "I mean, you can always use more money, right? I don't need it, like I'm not in debt or anything, but it's good money. I don't usually have other stuff to do, since I..." I don't want to mention Jace, but since I cut him out of my life three-ish months ago I have a lot more free time than I used to have.

There's a wall of silence between us, then he breaks it with a huge sigh. "I'm sorry," he says, his words mixing with the sound of grease popping as he cooks the meat.

"You don't have to be sorry." I'm out of things to cut. "Where do you keep the cheese?"

"Fridge door. And, I do," he insists. I wait for him to continue, but he doesn't, and we prepare the rest of the meal in silence.

I wasn't hungry until I took my first bite, then I was ravenous. I eat the first taco fast, but not so fast that I can't taste it's amazing. I'm in my second bite of the second taco when Lee clears his throat.

"I wanna tell you about my mom," he says, studying his tacos. He hasn't touched them.

"Okay." I take another bite, unable to stop, I'm that hungry.

Lee looks mega-uncomfortable and I feel bad, feel like it's my fault he feels this way. Before I can tell him that it's okay, that he doesn't have to tell me about his mom he starts talking.

"My parents divorced when I was eleven. Both told me it wasn't my fault, that it was them, but the more they told me it wasn't my fault, the more I felt like it actually was my fault. That each time they said it, it just reinforced that all the fighting, all the yelling and broken dishes and everything that came after that, all of it was my fault."

"Shit," I say, stunned. I don't know what I was expecting, but this wasn't it.

"It was bad. Cody, one thing I hate? I hate not being in control. I didn't have any control during the divorce, and definitely not afterwards."

"I get it," I say, and I think I do. "Where was your brother?"

Lee half smiles. "Stevie? He's actually my cousin, my mom's sister's kid. Dad adopted him after..." He trails off, picking at his taco. He takes a bite and chews it like it's a task that needs done, then swallows it and drains half his cup of lemonade. "After the accident."

He eats another bite of his taco. I do the same, my heart hurting for Lee in the past. I wish I knew what to do to make him feel better now, other than listen. I don't, so I listen.

"My mom was cheating, that was the reason for the divorce. She dated the worst men, too. Assholes and users. Started drinking shortly after the divorce, and basically never stopped. This was in a time where men didn't get custody of children, it always went to the mother. My dad had shared custody, meaning Tuesdays and every other weekend."

He sighs and takes another bite of taco. "It's really good," I say. "The tacos."

"Thanks, but you helped," he dismisses. "So, um... I dunno. I have a million bad stories from the two years after the divorce, but..." He sighs, then runs his hand through his hair and leans back in his chair. "I was supposed to be with my dad on my thirteenth birthday, it was on a Tuesday, but mom didn't take me. Because it was my birthday. I wanted to go, but I didn't have any control over anything. Didn't even have a way to call him, because we only had a corded phone then, and her asshole boyfriend had pulled it out of the wall the day before because my mom had been playing around on him, too."

He drains the rest of his lemonade. Seeing a way to be useful, I get up and refill it. He smiles at me, a pale imitation of his usual smiles, but it's there. His eyes are watery, but he's not crying. "Thanks." He sips his refilled cup, then takes another bite.

"I hate that you were hurt like this," I say, feeling it down to my bones.

He looks up at me, then back down to his tacos. He's only eaten half of one at this point. "Mom was drunk, and high, methamphetamines, Dad knew, but didn't tell me. I found that bit out later."

I suck in a deep breath, this was definitely not where I expected this to be heading. "Shit, Lee. How'd you find out?"

He sniffs, I can tell this is painful for him and feel bad, but I also feel like he needs this off his chest and I wanna be a rock for him the way he has been for me. It makes me feel validated, like I am giving back to a man who's already given me so much in such a short period of time. "Found her death certificate when we were moving. I was so mad I didn't talk to Dad for two days."

"Why were you mad at him? Cause he didn't tell you?"

He nods. "I was pretty messed up, and a teenager with anger issues."

I nod. "Yup. Okay." I can think of at least ten things I regret from teenage anger and stupidity, and that's the quick list. I'm sure if I had enough time I could write a novel.

"I got in a fight with Mom, thought I'd forced her to take me to see my Dad. Once we were on the road I knew she'd tricked me, we weren't heading to Dad's house. We picked up my aunt, Stevie's mom, who partied just as hard as my mom. I yelled at her, she yelled back, then drove through a drive thru and got more beer. Her and her jackass boyfriend are drinking and making fun of me, and I was so pissed, so frustrated. Vulnerable. Impotent."

His hands are fists now. "What happened?"

He takes a deep breath, then blows it out slowly before continuing. "She ran a red light on a county highway, 55 miles per hour. We were t-boned. I wasn't wearing a seatbelt, no one was, and thankfully I was on the other side, or I'd probably be dead. It was cold out, a winter storm in March, and that's probably the only reason I am alive. The cold kept me from bleeding out until the ambulance arrived."

"Fuck, Lee." I feel all of the emotions, but none of them are helpful right now. I'm almost crying, his tragedy my tragedy now. "Just, fuck."

He looks up at me and nods. "I was thrown out the window. It ripped my back apart, all the way down. Cut right through my coat, a big piece of stray steel."

I have another burst of insight about his aversion to taking off his shirt, but I wait for him to continue.

He swallows hard. "I was wheelchair bound for a while. Had to have surgery twice on my back before it would heal right. I have four steel pins in my spine, and a back full of scars. I was the only survivor. It was two years until I could walk again, and I spent a lot of time feeling bad for myself, a lot of time unable to control anything in my life. I can't not be in control, Cody, not anymore."

"Is that why you never take your shirt off?"

He nods. "When I turned eighteen I got tattoos, to cover it up. It's embarrassing, I mean, I'm not embarrassed, it's just super personal, like, I dunno. I don't like people to see it, like, don't want them to know this about me. Don't want people to think I was a victim, to know what I went through."

"I get it. It was a way for you to control what had happened to you, and a way to help you heal, emotionally, I mean."

He looks at me, his head tilted as if he's just seeing me for the first time. "I don't like people to see it. It's very personal."

"Okay." I'm a little in shock, still processing everything he's told me. I'm seeing him again, replaying our argument, all the times I tried to take his shirt off that he stopped me. The swimming thing. It all makes sense now, all of it so intensely real now.

"Do you wanna see it?"

I look up at him. He's looking at me, staring into my eyes, looking for something. "Of course, but I don't want to make you feel-"

"Can I show you? Now?"

"Yeah, yes, of course, yes. I'd like to see it. I've always wanted to see you naked. Or, I mean, um." I'm too flustered to sort it out properly. "Please, if you want, I'd like to see your tattoo."

He stands up and takes a deep breath, and I can tell he's steeling himself. I'm super nervous about what could be so messed up as a tattoo that would make him this freaked out about showing people, but nothing I'm coming up with seems likely. His hands are shaking as he reaches out for me.

I take his hand and stand up, then follow him down the hall to his bedroom. He closes the door as if someone else might see, even though it's just us, then releases my hand and moves towards the bed. He sits down, then stands up again.

"I'm sorry," he says.

"Don't be," I reply. "Try taking a deep breath."

He does, then blows it out slowly. "I wanted something to cover my scars. Something to cover my past and let me make my own future." I nod. Still, he hesitates, then slowly unbuttons his shirt. He takes it off and folds it, placing it on the bed. He's got an undershirt beneath it, he slowly peels it off and my eyes are glued on his abs as they are revealed. His body is a work of art, he's got a lovely patch of chest hair that's not too thick, but not too thin, either. I want to bury my face in it, and I wish that I could get rid of these thoughts right now, but everything is so intense.

He looks at me, looks as vulnerable as I've ever seen him, then turns around.

I'm stunned for a second. The phrase 'jaw dropped to the floor' bounces around my head, I understand it on a whole new level. He flinches when my fingers touch his back and I pull away quickly, I hadn't meant to touch him.

"Fuck, Lee. This's amazing. Why are you embarrassed about this, it's awesome. Like, I was thinking it was one of those terrible tattoos that are misspelled, or kanji that says stupid foreigner, or a penis, something like that. This's fucking amazing. Can I touch you?"

"Yes," he growls as if it's hard for him to talk right now. I know how he feels, to be so open to someone you've recently become intimate with.

I touch his back, tracing the linework. It's good work, weirdly realistic. It's all done in black and gray, and it looks like his skin has split open, starting a few inches above his waistline. It opens wider as it goes up his spine, revealing a mechanical interior, like he's a robot under his skin. The tattooed skin, where it splits, each side is laced up, but it doesn't look feminine, it looks like a corset, like bondage. His spine is made of pistons, his ribs are metal lattice work, his shoulder blades gears, all of it working together to create something truly amazing.