Decoding Desires Ch. 07

"It looks real almost," I say, tracing his spine. I can feel scars, bumps and rises, but they are cleverly hidden beneath ink, invisible to my eyes unless I'm staring right at them. "This... Just wow, Lee. How long did this take? It had to be expensive. Shit, your guy knew what he was doing, this is so good. I don't know how to tell you that it's the best tattoo art I've ever seen, but it's the best. You don't have to be embarrassed about this."

"She," he corrects. "She did know what she was doing. My Dad's friend's daughter. She helped me work on the piece for almost a year before my eighteenth birthday. Dad found out, and I was worried, but my Dad, he's awesome. He took me for my first session and sat there with me for four hours."

Lee's voice is tight, like he's trying not to cry. I step forward and push my arms under his, then hug him tight from behind. "It's amazing, seriously. I love it."

Lee relaxes a little into my embrace. "It took four sessions, tattooing scars is harder. It ended up costing me almost a thousand dollars even with her giving me a hefty discount. Dad paid for a bunch of it for me, even though I had the money. He told me to save it for college."

I don't know what to say, everything that comes to mind seems... Not enough. I don't know how to express to him how much I'm feeling, how much I like it. How it seems to complete him. How I wish he'd shown it to me earlier. How I love that he doesn't show it to everyone.

"Did your Dad know you were into bondage?"

He chokes a little, and now I know he's crying. I hold him and his whole body shakes as a sob wracks his frame. "I didn't think it was that obvious. I don't think he noticed."

"It's not, maybe it's just obvious to me because of our relationship. Either way, I like it."

Lee wiggles free of my arms and turns to face me, wrapping his arms around me. I hug him back as he gets his emotions out, then calms down. "Thank you for showing me," I say once he seems to be okay again.

"Thank you, Cody," he says, soft as a breath.

"Did you know, I mean, you must have known, but did you know that you were into bondage already?" I'm slightly jealous of the people he must have learned with, but not terribly so.

He pulls away and sits on the bed. I sit next to him and he takes my hand in his. "Yeah. I mean, I knew I was gay since right around puberty, but the bondage thing, I dunno. It feels like I've always been this way, even before the accident and shit. I went through a phase where I was obsessed with magic, like Houdini originally, then Penn and Teller, David Copperfield, Lance Burton, and my personal favorite, Neil Patrick Harris. My favorite acts were the tied up in chains act, or straitjacket escapes. Ropes. So, um, I figured it out pretty early."

"Do you know any magic?"

He snorts. "I used to, but it's been years since I've done anything. And, I was never really great at it, just shit I'd do at parties and stuff. I'm quick with my fingers, so card tricks, coin tricks. When I put someone in chains, or rope, or a straightjacket, though, I don't expect them to escape." He gives me a sideways smile.

"I don't know if I'd like a straight jacket," I admit, the thought of being bound so tightly intimidating.

Lee shrugs. "It was a joke. Anyway." We sit together in silence for a few breaths. He squeezes my hand and I turn to look at him. "Hey, I don't want you to think, like..." He sighs. "I needed control when I was a teenager, dealing with all the shit I was dealing with. I don't want you to feel that I'm being controlling, in our relationship, I mean."

"I like you being controlling," I say, squeezing his hand back.

He bites his bottom lip in a way that has my little man peeking his head out just to check. I quell the thought and focus on Lee. "Not what I meant. I mean, like, I don't want to be an asshole, I don't want you to think I'm an asshole. I just, it's important to me that you don't ever feel like you're not in control. Like, in our relationship, I mean, not the stuff we do as Sir and Brat. You're always in control, all you need to do is say the word and everything stops. No questions asked. No disappointment. I promise you, I want you to tell me when you don't want to do something, I never want to do something you don't also wanna do. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, yeah," I agree, feeling very embarrassed, but also stupid happy. "Can I look at your back again?"

He tenses for a second, then releases my hand. "Sure." I crawl behind him on the bed and study his ink. The design is amazing, completely masking his scars. If I look closely I can see them, but they're built into the inking so amazingly that unless you were looking for them, you wouldn't see them.

"I don't understand, why does it make you upset? Your tattoo? It's so freaking cool."

Lee shrugs. "It's super personal. Like, I don't want people to know. I did it for me, and... I dunno. It's hard to explain. Just, it's mine. Like, this is the symbol of me gaining control of my life. Of what I was, and who I am. I don't want other people to know that about me."

I lean in and kiss a spot on his spine where the gears mesh with the spine-piston. His skin is soft under my lips. "Well, I really like it. Not what you went through, but what it is. What it means. How it looks on you." I kiss up his spine until I reach his neck, then leave my lips there. "What do you wanna do tonight?"

"I'm not really in the mood," he admits. "I'm sorry, I know I promised-"

"I'm not, either. Don't worry about it. What else would you wanna do?"

He shrugs. "Honestly? I don't know."

"Well, we could start with dessert and go from there."

He nods. "Yeah, we could start with that."

The night is chill. Lee and I hit up a fro-yo place a ten minute walk from his house. We go back to his place and watch some TV. I find out that Lee likes to cook, we watch a show on Netflix called Nailed It where people who post videos of themselves on YouTube are asked to compete to try to recreate ridiculously difficult desserts. It's actually pretty funny, I really like how they make fun of the contestants in a way that the contestants also get in on it so there's no hard feelings, and some of the cakes are a riot.

By the third episode Lee seems back to himself, the gloomy cloud he'd been harboring all night finally dissipating. I lean in and kiss him on the cheek and he looks surprised, then smiles at me so bright I'm blind for a second.

I love this man. I know it, the way his smile hits me right in the core of my being, I love him and I want this moment to last forever.

It doesn't, of course, I have to work in the morning now, which I'm a bit pissed at myself for, but whatever. I'm glad to help out Donnie, I owe her a few times over by now. We get ready for bed and it's a little strange, I'm not used to living with someone else anymore so we bump into each other as we each do our nightly rituals.

I'm still nervous to get into Lee's bed, like it's sacred territory or something, at least until he climbs in. Once he's in that is where I want to be. He holds the blanket up with his arm, laying on his side, and I've never seen a more inviting situation. I climb into bed and roll on my side so I'm snuggled against him, little-spoon style.

"No shirt?" I ask, regretting wearing a tanktop now. I want to feel him skin to skin and consider pulling away to take off my shirt, but I also don't want to leave my comfy little Lee-cave.

I feel him shrug. "I don't usually wear a shirt to bed," he admits. "Now that you know my darkest secret..."

"The tattoo is your darkest secret?" I ask, trying to keep it light.

"No, the other stuff. The tat is just symbolism."

"I know," I say, snuggling in as much as I can against his skin. "I wanna take my shirt off."

He hesitates, then releases me and I wiggle until I'm sitting up, then my tank is across the room and I'm tunneling back into Lee's arms. I sigh contentedly and he chuckles, then kisses my ear.

"You set your alarm?"

I roll my eyes. "I did, dad," I reply.

"Just making sure," Lee responds, sounding a little put off.

"Thanks. I'm just being dumb." We don't say anything else, I just lay there shrouded in his arms as he occasionally showers me with little kisses. The rise and fall of his chest is hypnotic and I begin to doze, but jerk awake before I can actually fall asleep.

"Cody?" Lee mumbles, sounding very much asleep.

"Sorry, sorry," I say, wiggling out of his arms. "I'm not one for, like, I can't sleep like that."

"Hmm?" Lee hums, rolling over. "S'okay." He falls asleep again, I can tell by his level breathing. I'm up for a while longer, thinking over all the things he's told me.

I'm tired at work the next day, but Donnie and I kick it out like a well oiled machine. It's fun, working with Donnie, and the time flies by. Lee's waiting for me when I get off, he's already packed up our swimming things and he's ready to go. I barely get finished cleaning up before he's pushing us out the door.

I can tell he's nervous, he's asked me to drive, which I don't mind, but he's always been the one to drive when we go places, so I know he's off-kilter. "You okay?"

"Hmm? Yeah, yeah," he dismisses.

"Are you planning on swimming?"

He shrugs. "We'll see."

"What about your back?"

He snorts. "I brought a swim shirt. It's black."

"Oh. Cool."

The minute we get there the twins are all over Lee. "Hey, hi, hi, hi," Owen says, almost jumping up and down. He's wearing bright orange trunks and a blue, long sleeve swim shirt. "Uncle Coco, is this your new boyfriend?"

At the same time Ollie is on the other side of Lee, doing the exact same thing, only wearing green trunks and a yellow swim shirt. "Hi, heya, hi Mr. Uncle Coco's boyfriend."

"Guys," I chide, stepping in to protect Lee from their energy. "Chill. We aren't going anywhere for a while. And, yes, this's my boyfriend Lee Sullivan."

Lee's cheeks turn pink and I love it. The twins see it and immediately latch on like sharks circling, as long as the sharks were just after attention. "Hi," Lee mutters, then bites his lower lip nervously.

"Lee?" Owen asks. "Just Lee? That's boring."

"Shut up," Ollie jumps in. "Owen is a boring name, too."

"Is not."

"Is so."

"Is not."

I see where this is going and step in to redirect. "Is there food?"

Owen is pouting so Ollie jumps in. "Mom's getting sandwiches, but not until dinner. She said you had to work so you wouldn't be here for lunch. We had chicken nuggets and mac and cheese."

"Not real chicken nuggets," Owen interjects. "The fake ones. Made out of soy."

"Oh, to have a real chicken nugget..." Ollie fake bemoans.

"The only reason to look forward to going back to school," Owen joins in on the action.

"Come on, you're not going to make your Uncle and Lee just stand in the driveway all day, are you?" Carrie asks, her hands on her hips. She's standing by the open back gate, looking mildly annoyed. "And you're late," she says to me. "Hi, Lee. How are you?"

"Very well," he responds, smiling a little.

We funnel into the backyard and set our stuff down on the patio furniture. Everything is brand new and Carrie is obviously proud of it. "This's really nice," I praise.

She puffs up a little. "Thanks. I think it turned out awesome."

There's a splash, then another, and then both kids are in the pool and I'm soggy. "Oh, you little hooligans. Once I get sunscreened up you're gonna regret that."

Owen sticks his tongue out at me and Ollie laughs, then dives underwater. These two kids didn't know how to swim last year, and now they are fish, Carrie was right.

I grab the sunblock out of the bag and hand it to Lee. "Could you help me get my back?" I ask, feeling sheepish. I mean, I probably shoulda brought the stuff in the spray-on can, but it doesn't work as well as the thick cream. Lee takes it without a word and waits for me to turn around.

"Take your shirt off," he requests. I do. The cream is cold when he first puts it on, then he's rubbing it into my skin and I'm thinking about math, about wiring, about anything other than his hands on my skin. Last thing I need is a boner in front of my nephews.

As I'm concentrating, another splash of water comes my way. I'm powerless to avoid it and the twins are laughing again. "Yeah, yeah, live it up now, cause once I'm in there you're both gonna pay."

Lee chuckles, his fingers deftly massaging sunblock into my skin. He tugs the hem of my shorts and puts it on the hemline and my little man is super jealous. I start converting empirical to metric in my head.

"You said they're eleven?"

I nod. "Yup, just turned in April."

"They sure are energetic. It's been a while since I've been around kids."

He's rubbing my shoulders now and it's heaven. "You don't see kids at work?"

"Kids at my work are generally on their best behavior, or getting yelled at. I don't get to see them in their natural habitat, so to speak."

"Eww, mom, Uncle Coco and Mr. Lee-Lee are doing PDA!"

"Shut up, Ollie," Owen barks. "You're such a nard."

"Nard?" Ollie says, rolling his eyes. "You don't even know what that means."

"Do to," Owen counters. It begins a "do not/do to" battle between the boys again.

I chuckle. He is now working sunblock down my arm. I use my other hand to get my neck and face, then begin on my chest. "Are you swimming?"

"Not just yet, I think I'll observe, and maybe let you three get all your energy out first." We finally finish up my sunblock application and Lee spins me around. "I was worried, I wasn't sure if they knew about me or not."

"I'm pretty open with my family about my sexuality," I dismiss. One of the twins splashes me again, I don't see it so I don't know which of them it was. "I need to go take care of some bad twins."

Lee wipes my nose, his finger comes back white. "You missed some." I smile at him, then turn around and dive into the pool without warning. While I'm under water I grab Ollie's legs and swim up so he's on my back when I surface.

He squeals in delight and then Owen is climbing on my back as well and they are sinking the USS Cody, but we're all having fun. I play with the twins for a while, but then they realize that Lee is still on the patio furniture.

"Mr. Lee-Lee," Owen calls out, propping himself on the edge of the pool with his arms crossed under his chin. "Why aren't you swimming?"

"Come on, Mr. Uncle Coco's boyfriend!" Ollie chimes in. "Come swim with us."

Lee shakes his head. "Maybe in a bit?"

"Do you not know how to swim?" Owen asks.

"Daddy could teach you," Ollie adds. "He taught us, and we're professional swimmers now. I'm going to be an olympic swimmer when I grow up."

"That's not a job," Owen counters. This begins another battle between the twins of "is not/is too" that I ignore.

"You should come in, the temperature is perfect."

Lee bites his lower lip, then nods and begins applying sunblock. I feel a little bad, the SPF 100 stuff is hard to rub in, and Lee ends up looking paler when he's done. The twins stop their battle as Lee sits on the side of the pool and puts his feet in the water.

"Mr. Lee-Lee, what's your job?" Ollie asks, swimming closer. Owen flanks him on the other side before I can get there to run interference.

"Do you work with Uncle Coco?"

"No," Lee says, shaking his head, looking back and forth between them. "I'm an optician."

"That sounds like transformers," Owen responds skeptically. "That's not a real job."

"He's like the guy who we had to go to last year when you got a stick in your eye," Ollie informs him. "An eye doctor. Optical, like your eye."

"Not quite," Lee jumps in. "I'm not a transformer, and I'm also not an eye doctor, although I went to school to be one. I'm the guy who helps you once you have a prescription, like to pick out a pair of glasses and to adjust or fix them, or to help with contact lenses, stuff like that."

"You went to eye doctor school but you aren't a doctor?" Ollie asks.

"I didn't finish," Lee explains. "I want to finish, one day."

"Why not?" Owen asks.

I grab Owen by the shoulders and spin him into the water, then do the same with Ollie. "Sorry, Lee. They're very inquisitive."

"I don't mind," Lee says, a small smile on the corner of his lips just for me. He slides off the side and slips into the pool, his body sliding down mine the whole way. My face is burning and I swim back a little, but he's proud of himself, I can tell. He dives underwater and I follow him with my eyes. He trails his fingers up my leg as he comes up for air and I'm trying super hard to say my ABCs backwards to keep my little man from sprouting.

"Lee," I hiss. He laughs, then dives under the surface again. Well, two can play this game. I dive, too, then chase after him. He swims under my belly, rubbing his body against mine the whole time. His feet scare me for a second, I'm afraid he's gonna kick me on accident, but he doesn't.

When we both come up for air again he's smiling coyly, sliding his hands over his hair to push it out of his eyes. "Did a metric shit-ton of physical therapy in the water," he explains to my unasked question.

"Mr. Lee-Lee," Ollie exclaims. "You're a better swimmer than my dad! I bet you can't catch me!"

Lee chuckles, then launches himself at Ollie. Ollie squeals in joy and swims away, looking over his shoulder every few seconds as Lee closes in. I see Owen is looking salty and launch an attack on him, and we all play in the pool for a while. Every now and then Lee swims overly close to me so he can caress me under water, a subtle touch of his fingers over my legs, or his legs briefly tangling with mine as he passes.

Eventually the food arrives and Carrie drags us out of the pool. We all eat and the kids basically zombify on the patio furniture with their tablets. Graham joins us and we talk for hours, then jump in the pool for another battle with the twins.

I'm beyond tired when we get back to Lee's house, but I smell like chlorine and I want a shower. Lee knocks on the door as I'm soaping up and brings in a clean towel, then ducks out again. I wish he'd stayed, though. I finish my shower and he goes next, and I'm tempted to go in, but I don't know if that would make him uncomfortable or not, so I don't.

I'm scrolling through the news on my phone, sitting on his couch when he comes out. "Thanks, for today. It was really awesome. Your nephews are great kids."

"They have their moments," I agree. "They really wore me out." I stifle a yawn.

Lee bites his lower lip. "If you wanna go to sleep you can, or I can, ah, keep you up."

He's acting all nervous-shy about it and I love it. "Oh? What'd you have in mind?"

"Um, well, you know. You seemed interested in some of the, um, tools in my bedroom."

"Huh? Oh. OH. Yeah. um, that would probably wake me up a bit."

"We don't have to, if you're tired or-"

"Please don't start with the Tantus," I cut in, my mind reminding me of how much it stung from a gentle swat on the arm.

"What? That's not a beginner toy," Lee says, a statement of fact. "We wouldn't use that one for a while."

I don't know why I'm a little disappointed, because I'm terrified of the thing, but I am, again reminding me of my own contradictory nature. "Okay."

He holds his hand out and I take it, then he pulls me up off the couch and into his arms. "We don't have to do this, if you don't want to."

"I want to," I clarify. "I'm just, that one is meaner than it looks."

He chuckles, then kisses me on the lips. "It is. I'm pretty sure I owe you a reward, don't I?"

"Yes," I reply softer than before, looking down as embarrassment creeps up my spine.

"Then you'll get a good boy spanking."

I whine. "How is spanking a reward?" I whine.

"We use toys that you want to use, and you know that it's a reward. We don't have to, I can reward you in other ways. What would you want?"