Deep Guilt: The Elusive Truth

Originally Posted: 09/09/2021 Edited: 1/09/2024

The audio chapter start times listed below are in the order in which they occurred. The audio is long but I think it is worthy of your time. Before you start, please be aware of the following. Candie claims to have blocked out all memories she is ashamed of. I do not believe she is being truthful. Repressed memories do not vanish at will. They still exist in the subconscious mind. These are not memories of sexual abuse we are discussing. These are her memories of her sexual infidelities and sexual preferences. She has finally admitted to her affair with Kathy, to fucking Stevie and to sucking Scott's cock but denies any other extramarital sex. Her verbal denials are usually short, curt replies, such as: "I don't remember.", "I don't know.", "I don't think so." or a curt quickly uttered "FINE". Pay attention to the first three phrases. They occur 92 times in this audio. What you won't hear are emphatic denials, such as, 'that never happened', 'that's a lie' or 'I didn't do that'. This is the basis for my belief that she is not being truthful and knows more than she is telling. I know she went "shopping" every Saturday for 14 years, yet she continues to conceal what went on and refuses to discuss it. Thank you for your consideration..

*Direct quotes by Candie display double quotation marks "____".

*Direct quotes by Steve display single quotation marks '_____'.

*Gaps in the continuous dialog are indicated by a line of periods: .............

Chapter Start Times and Important Points:

0:00 - Denies any memory of sexual relationships with Kathy and Scott. -

- 3:19 She asks, "Is this going to split us up?"

- 4:25 "I didn't have a relationship with her!"

- 5:07 "Do you want a divorce?" ............ "I can't remember a lot of things."

- 6:38 "She wore stinky perfume." .........."Did I block it out because I was

embarrassed?"

- 7:19 'Then he (Stevie) came on your stomach.'..."I guess so, I don't remember."

- 7:33 'New Years Eve, you and Scott in the back of his van.'

- 7:51 "Nothing happened."...... "I'll swear on a bible nothing happened!"

8:20 - She denies a relationship with Kathy "before we got married."

- 9:05 "But I went to her apartment!....Before we got married?... I don't think so."

- 9:42 'You said you felt guilty about him...Guilty about what you did with them.'

- 10:46 Details of our 4 swinging encounters follow: 1st Time.

- 11:14 Naked make out & 69 session at Kathy's. She fingers Candie's ass.

- 13:38 I eat Kathy & she blows me. Candie blows Stevie twice.

- 14:27 He takes you into the bedroom, fucks you and cums on your stomach.

- 15:32 "If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have done anything with Kathy &

Vinny." Is this an admission of her doing a threesome with just them???

- 16:23 "I was stupid then. Were we smoking or drinking or something?"

- 16:32 2nd Time: Specifically so you and her could make it. Naked, making out,

& feeling each other up. Vinny and Kathy eat Candie. Candie cums as I

kiss her. Candie blows Vinny as I eat Candie out and Kathy blows me.

- 19:30 3rd Time: Had your period. Put in tampon & got naked. They fucked.

- 20:31 4th Time: Sex during 2 nights at the beach house.

- 21:01 Both girls naked on the couch, making out. Candie finger fucks Kathy.

You both sit up and masturbate. Kathy moves to the floor and plays with

her clit as Candie and I finger fuck her. Kathy orgasms.

- 22:38 Candie & I 69. Vinny plays with Kathy's cunt as Candie blows him.

- 23:57 "I don't remember being with the two of them and just me."

- 24:54 "We were with each other every Saturday."

25:15 - Candie admits to Stevie fucking her. Him on top with her legs in the air.

- 26:09 "I could have told him I didn't want to do that and he might have pulled

out and came on my stomach." ...."I don't know."

- 27:10 'I just want a promise from you that if you ever remember anything else

you will tell me.' "OK I will." 'Promise.' "I promise." "SWAK."

27:23 - New Years Eve 2. 'The most traumatic experience of my life.'

- 28:48 "I don't think I had sex with him. I think I smoked."

- 30:32 'You had sex with him.' "I don't think I did. But I don't remember."

- 30:58 'He fucked you up the ass.' "NO, I would never let anybody do that."

- 31:59 "I had been drinking I had been smoking ........ I don't know."

- 32:26 "No, I think......I block stuff out."

32:57 - New Years Eve 3 - Beach House - Condo - Candie's Finger Fuck Show

- 33:18 'You remember he had his cock out. Right?' "Yeah. I put my hand on it

and nothing happened.... I didn't have sex, I didn't fuck him."

- 33:59 'What are the other blackouts you have?' "If Kathy continued after

those first two times I was alone with her."

- 35:15 'She tried to talk you into being with her and Vinny.'..."I made a mistake."

- 36:52 '5 1/2 years later the thing with Scott happened.' "Nothing, I didn't do

anything in between that." 'Well you don't remember?'

- 37:17 "I'd swear on a bible right now." 'You don't swear on the bible. That's

when you're either trying to avoid telling the truth or you're lying.'

- 39:15 'Because you admit it, when you drink and smoke you get horny.'

40:06 - Blackouts and Blockouts - 'You've got blackouts...these things that you don't

remember, you feel guilty about.' "Embarrassed" 'Embarrassed and guilty

about.' "I would never want anybody in our family to know anything

happened like that." 'Are there other people from work involved in this?'

"No. In all honesty, I really don't remember how long it went on." "And I never

would have done anything like that with Vinny and Kathy without you."

- 42:42 'Did Stevie fuck you? "No. I really do think I have a block."

- 44:00 We fuck and Candie's First Squirt

- 45:30 Discussions of my anal play with Candie. She had an ass orgasm.

50:05 - 'I didn't trust anything that happened while you were at the phone company.'

- 50:41 "I wouldn't have even done that (Scott) if I had been straight."

- 50:52 You bragged about giving good blowjobs and flashed you tits in front

of Lynn and Al. "If I had been drinking I might."

- 52:42 "I don't remember that either. Can't you see how I can't remember."

'That's what worries me, that you don't remember.' "No-o-o-o."

'It's not a confidence builder.' We have sex in their living room.

53:47 - Blackouts and apology: 'I know you have the blackouts....you don't know if

anything happened.' "I can't think of anything. You know what I mean?" 'All

the time you were at the phone company I had problems not knowing what

was going on. And then, what happens to you when you have a couple of

drinks.......Those two instances there was alcohol involved.

- 54:18 'If you can say, 'I'm sorry I cheated on you.'.."I'm sorry I cheated on you."

'You can say that, right?'.."Yes, it's been proven."

- 55:11 'If you do remember anything, you promise to tell me.'..."I DO."...'And I

won't judge you.'..."If I had it to do over again we would never be with

Kathy and Vinny."...'You started with her before we even got married.'.."I

don't think I did."...'She was trying to talk you into sleeping with them.'

"It was her that did that?"...'That's what you said. You told me!'

56:12 - The Finger Fucking Show - bridges the 5 1/2 years between Kathy and Scott.

- 56:31 A summer Saturday afternoon. You came home and walked into our

den naked and started fingering your pussy and licking your fingers. I

think there was anger in your eyes. You masturbated and then we

fucked. I believe you had someone else's cum inside you.

- 58:37 "I wouldn't have done anything with Vinny and Kathy without you. And

besides, he works on a Saturday anyway."

- 59:41 'When the Scott thing happened it tied it together.' You were cheating.

- 1:00:38 'I'll never know the truth, so, I've got my own truth. That's My Truth.'

- 1:02:10 "I wish that had never happened...'cause' then Stevie never would

have happened...you sure he didn't cum on my stomach?" 'He did

cum on your stomach.' "Yeah." 'After he pulled out of you. After he

had his cock in you.' "Yeah." 'After he was fucking you...That's why

you had your legs up in the air....You told him to pull out.' "I know."

- 1:03:59 'I wish you could remember. You even said that you had blocked

things out, This isn't forgetting, you said you had blocked them out.'

1:04:42 - New Years Eve - "The Confession"

- 1:05:43 'Your story has changed....nothing happened....oh yeah I touched his

cock....oh yeah I put it in my mouth.'.... "I had my fingers on it too...What

18 year old is going to say he didn.t have a hard on!"

- 1:06:22 'You know why we're doing this.' "So you can stop the panic things."

- 1:07:16 'You're downstairs. You ran into Scott. You asked him for a joint.' "I

don't even know why I did it. How stupid is that?'

- 1:07:42 'You were going outside in the van and smoke a joint?' "If I was sober it

probably never would have happened."

- 1:09:20 'Did you guys make out? Did you kiss at all?' "I'm going to assume that

we did."...."I don't even remember if I took clothes off."...'Do you

remember him feeling you up?' "Yes"

- 1:11:19 'Did he grab you between your legs?' "He might have, I could be

foggy there too."

- 1:11:29 "And his pants were down. And he was like, limp...... I tried it with my

hand, nothing. I had my mouth on it , nothing." 'So how long did you

play with his cock and suck on him to get him hard?' "Ten minutes

maybe." ......."Fifteen?"

- 1:13:00 'If he had gotten hard would you have blown him?' "I'll say yes."

'Would you have fucked him?' "No."

- 1:13:48 'So you thought you did something wrong?' "After the (pause), Yes."

I believe the word she decided not to say is FACT. "After the fact."

- 1:14:21 'The other blocked memories that you have.' "What do you mean,

about Kathy too, and all that?" 'Everything.'....'Did you tell Kathy about

what happened with Scott?' "I might have....... She would be the only

one I could have told."

- 1:15:41 'When you were together.......and every Saturday you went over to

Kathy's.' ....."Three times we fooled around. Did a 69. That was about

it.".....'So you'd make out, do a 69 and feel each other up.' "That was it."

- 1:17:31 'Since we've been married you've only blown four people, Vinny,

Stevie, me and you tried to do Scott. That's four cocks in your mouth

that's it.. Right?' "Yes. Honest to God. I swear......"

- 1:17:53 Kathy fingers and licks Candie's ass. Enjoys dildos in her ass & pussy.

1:19:52 - 'I've got a DVD coming. No guys all girls....I think all girls works out better for

you.'......."I'm not a lesbian. I just like watching it!'

1:20:12 - The Finger Fucking Discussion and the Ultimatum

- 1:20:27 'We had been married for two years.' "Nothing. So I was still seeing her

.......cause it wouldn't be anybody else. I was not with anybody else.

But you're not going to be satisfies with that." 'I guess not.' "There

was nobody else. But you're not going to believe me,"

- 1:21:24 "Was I stoned or anything?" 'No....You can't remember what happened.

You can't say for sure.'

- 1:22:00 'That's what I was thinking all those years. That I couldn't trust you and

nothings changed that, I'd like to believe you, but, YOU LIE.'

- 1:22:22 "No. I don't remember being with anybody. I don't think I did."

- 1:22:51 "I'm not lying, I did not have...I was not with anybody else and if you

don't believe me and you have to divorce me, you have to."

"I'm sorry that you don't believe me and you can never trust me

again."..... 'That's about where we're at.'

*The End*

Post Script: It has been 28 months since our discussions hit this impasse, broke down and her divorce ultimatum was issued. Despite her promises to tell me if she remembered any of the blackout/blocked out incidents from her past, she has not uttered a single word on the subject. Our relationship has suffered because of this. I feel that we have "pushed each other away" since that moment and that distance is perfectly fine with me. In the absence of any participation from her to resolve our situation, I now realize that 'My Truth' is as far as this discussion is going to go. I have accepted that reality and I am fine with it. It is a mental divorce without the hassle of paperwork. Story over.

The sad conclusion is that I do not trust her and haven't for years. In her own words, "I have a lot of blackout items." These are the memories she has repressed. If you have no memory of them, how do you know that there are a lot of them? I have had enough of this farce. You are no longer worthy of the effort. Sadly, I just don't care anymore.- Steve

This audio includes 20 minutes of previously unpublished discussions. Editing was kept to a minimum with the goal of keeping the audio discussions in chronological order and maintaining an accurate presentation.

Printed below are the text sections of the other audios in the "Deep Guilt" series. I hope you find this new offering improves the clarity and quality of the audio and your understanding of our complex story.

****Deep Guilt Made the Slut My Whore (text)**** Posted: 03-11-2021

For My Love,

It has been 9 months since our initial discussions about what occurred during the first years of our marriage and the trauma those memories have caused me. I repressed those memories for many years, only to have them come flooding back when I came across the picture you took of Kathy at Jen's 2nd birthday. Yes, you told me about the sexual relations you had with her after we were married and I was present at the four swinging trysts we had with Kathy, Vinny and Stevie. But after the swinging stopped, you stopped talking about what was going on. I need you to fill in the blanks so I can understand why you cheated on me with Kathy both before we married and after the swinging stopped. Don't you think that after so many years I deserve to know the truth about how your attraction to each other developed? I don't feel threatened by your relationship with her, I just want to know how and why it happened. The fact of the matter is that the truth is the only thing that will heal the trauma I have been living with every day since these memories returned. Only you can heal my mind and soothe my soul. Remember, you made me cry. I need your understanding and help.

There are many things that trouble me that I have discussed with you, only to get an unsatisfactory reply like "I so don't remember that!" These events are so burned into my memory that I find your defensive absence of memory beyond belief. Since the "Scott" incident my trust in you has been destroyed. My gut feeling is that you have more memories about what happened that night than you are willing to share. Only when I told you, during our talks, that I was going to call Scott to get the details did you admit that you did handle his cock but that he probably wouldn't admit he couldn't get hard. This was after "swearing on the bible" that "nothing happened". But I still doubt that is the whole truth about that night. Your typical response when the subject of Scott comes up is, "There was no actual sex" and "I didn't fuck him." Just so you remember, the twenty minutes I spent searching for you only to find you in Scott's van is a recurring painful flashback. It is the most traumatic experience of my life and a memory that haunts me daily. I think this is the most important issue for us to discuss and resolve.

You promised to tell me if you recalled any memories of the past, but since our talks you have not provided a single word of clarification on any of these incidents. Then yesterday (3-15), after nine months of silence, you wanted to know why "I" didn't stop Stevie from fucking you that first night we were swinging. That statement really confused me. To refresh your memory, that night I told you what I had seen and you denied that you fucked him. This was only an hour after our "swinging ground rules" talk, where I said that oral sex was alright but intercourse was not. Because of my statement excluding fucking, you may have chosen not to tell me about accepting his cock inside you. You knew I didn't believe you because you caught me trying to take your pulse while questioning you. Shortly after that night, I had to get the truth of what happened from Stevie. He said you told him not to cum in you and to pull out, So he came on your stomach.

I need you to be willfully forthcoming with information. If you can't, then I have to become the inquisitor and I don't want to do that. So what do I need from you? If you want to help I would like you to recall any memories that come to mind beginning with when you started at the phone company. I am talking about your day to day recollections of office life, not just sexual stuff. Talking about what you do recall may bring back some forgotten memories. If you prefer, write down any recollections you have and we can discuss them later. Your willingness to talk about them will begin to restore my trust in you. This is a fifteen year block of your life we are talking about, you must recall something. Just tell me the truth. I have already forgiven you of anything you did in the past but if you want to regain my trust we must deal with the "blocked out" issues, if they do eventually resurface.

These are the type of questions that bounce around in my head and plague my mind at night: How did your relationship with Kathy begin, develop and end? When did it become intimate? My gut feeling is that you welcomed Kathy's advances long before our wedding, am I wrong? Did we take the apartment on Heath Street so you could be close to her? Was she involved with other men? Did you confide in each other? How did your friendship with Joanne H. begin? When were you aware of her infidelity with Bob S.? Did you approve of her cheating? What was your typical Saturday like? What is the story behind the finger fucking/licking episode? Were you ever involved with anyone else? Did I do anything that made infidelity seem like a rational, appealing choice? I don't need names or sexual details, I just need to know how long the cheating went on. and when it stopped. Please, the truth will heal us both.

I know, my head is pretty messed up but that is what happens when the person you love destroys your trust in her, blocks any memory of the incidents, then recalls some details of the cheating many years later. All that time, I have been alone on an island of doubt and only you can rescue me. The truth will restore my trust in you. Please make that happen. We both need that to happen. - All My Love, Steve

*

My Forever Love:

It hurts me when I see you in pain. I'm sorry I made you cry. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I didn't really become friends with Kathy when I first started at the phone company. I hung around with Carleen & Joanie. It was a small office, and eventually you become friends with some of the other women. Kathy invited us to her wedding in November 2000. Close to our wedding, I had a problem with Pat M. She had said she put the money for her dress between the doors at my house one night. I didn't believe her, and I told her she wasn't in the wedding anymore. The other girls in the office knew about it, and Kathy offered to try on the dress. It fit, and she became the second bridesmaid.

First of all, we didn't take the apartment on Heath St. so I could be close to her. I didn't start going over to her apartment on Saturdays until after we were married and were living in our apartment. I wasn't with her long before we got married, so you're gut feeling is wrong. I'm trying to remember when it started, and if it was before or during the time of the 4 "swinging trysts". I think it may have been during the same time. I really don't remember exactly. It was 3 times. Then we were just friends, but the sex stopped. Then they moved into their new house, she had Carolyn in Aug '04, we moved here in Jan '04, and had Jen in Feb '05. We got together with the girls. She didn't tell me after that if she was with anyone else.