Deep Guilt: The Elusive Truth

I don't know why I was even with Scott. You've said before when I'm drunk and stoned, I'm horny. It was true that nothing happened. I do remember touching it, and you're probably right that I put my mouth on it. He was impotent. You say that your gut feeling is that I have more memories of that night. How could anything have happened if he was impotent? I know this has been so traumatic for you. I'm so sorry for that. I never meant to hurt you like that.

Joanne H. also worked with me at the telephone company. I use to go with her and Arline to the meat place. That wasn't every week. I did know about Bob S. We socialized with her and Alan, and so did Arline and Dave. We liked Alan. I didn't approve of her cheating on him. I don't even know when she saw Bob other than work.

I think I just blurted out "WHY" last week rather than just saying it to myself. I'm sorry I confused you.

As far as the telephone company, there was nothing with anyone except Kathy. I'm ashamed and disgusted with myself for doing that. I wish it had never happened. That job from start to finish, was stressful. Most of the time I hated it. I think that the different jobs I had at the phone company and the hospital have caused PTSD about the phone now. I hate calling people now and talking to people.

You "didn't do anything to make infidelity seem like a rational, appealing choice."

You probably still won't think I'm telling you the truth, but this is what I remember. I'm sorry if I'm disappointing you.

I really love you and never want to be without you. Again, I'm sorry for hurting you and breaking your trust.

Love you,

Candy

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For My Love,

I Love You and appreciate your efforts in helping me deal with my doubts and fears from the early years of our marriage. I know you love me and care for me and want to help me get over the painful memories of the past. I realize these memories are painful for you also. We all make bad decisions from time to time. But in order to help me recover you have to be able to recall and explain them. To banish them to some never visited portion of your mind will not help either of us. Only truth and honesty will free you from the guilt and regret they have caused you and the trauma, anxiety and pain they have caused me.

In reading your 600 word summary of our first 14 years together I found it brief and lacking the detail to make me feel confident you were being totally open and honest. So yes, I am disappointed. I'm sorry if that seems unfair, but I'm the one with the trust issues and I obsessively examine every statement you make. Your comment that nothing happened with Scott because he was impotent is ludicrous. His cock was exposed and being stimulated by your hands and mouth. That is a little more than nothing. Together we will construct an account of the conversations before and the events after you went outside with him.

The memory of New Years Eve is my most painful issue of all to deal with and I feel it is the one we should conquer first. All of my trauma episodes begin with that night and even though I know I don't have any answers to the questions flooding my mind they keep returning in wave after wave of hopeless irony. If we can vanquish this one memory my hope is that the other memories will also stop attacking me. What happened with Kathy and Stevie are minor issues compared to the secrecy of what happened with Scott. I witnessed you being sexually active with both Kathy and Stevie, so I knew what took place, and apart from you fucking Stevie and denying it, I was O.K. with you being intimate with them. It's the denying it took place that bothers me.

To put Scott in context, everyone has had recurring bad dreams that trouble them. I believe yours is that you are in school but you cannot find your locker and it makes you feel panicked and anxious. Well I am living the torment in my mind almost daily. I am standing outside of Scott's van and I don't know what is going on inside. After all these years I still don't know. Now that the trauma attacks have returned, I need to deal with this issue once and for all. The trauma is affecting my health. You witnessed my elevated heart rate during my most recent attack. Knowing the full story HAS to work. It will give me closure and put me back in control of my life. I don't want to think about next steps if this doesn't work. Help me.

According to what you have told me, the incident with Scott would be the first and only time you ever cheated on me with another male. I can't say man because he had just turned 18 years old. He was just a boy and I hold you more responsible for what happened than I do him. You were 26. What was going through your head to make you decide that this was the guy you were going to betray your wedding vows for? I want us to create a story line that begins with the two of you talking in the living room, moves into the van and ends with me knocking on the van door. It took me 20 minutes to find you so we have at least 20 minutes of action in the van to account for, although it may have been longer.

Think long and hard about the events of that night. This was a milestone event in your life and I am sure vivid memories exist somewhere in your psyche. Bring them out in the open. The truth is the key to our future happiness together. I have prepared a list of questions that I hope assist us in recounting the events of that night. The questions are tough and to the point in hope of revealing what you have buried so deep in your memory. If you can explain the how and why of what happened that night I will no longer be standing on the outside of that van ignorant of the truth and in total darkness. You can make my nightmare vanish. You have to be the one to heal me. There are no guarantees this will work but we must try.

All My Love - Steve

****Deep Guilt: She's My Slut Forever (text)**** Posted: 06-03-2021

For My Love,

I can't begin to thank you enough for finally being truthful in recounting the events of that fateful New Years Eve. After years of denial you have finally accepted my need to know the full story of just what happened that night. I know you feel embarrassed about the repressed memories you have and it was a difficult decision you made to put my needs before your own. "Truth equals trust" and this was a good first step in restoring my trust in you. However, I am confused about your denial of any memory about Scott and then your detailed accounting of the incident. Your story proves to me that you recall much more than you admit to. That being said, "I don't remember" is no longer an acceptable reply to my questions. I need reasonable explanations. I can't play this game anymore, it has to end now.

The only remaining event that involved us both that hasn't been explained is that bizarre finger fucking / finger licking performance in our den. What took place that day was so unusual that I need a truthful recollection of the events that took place before you came home that day. This is the last detailed admission I will need from you. Forever. I need to know the truth.

I have made you aware, on many occasions, of the doubts I possess about your relationships while working at the phone company. We have discussed them many times during the past 10 months. Your surprisingly honest and detailed account of the Scott incident has given me hope that progress can be made concerning other events in your workplace. You need to open up.

Given your desire to keep some past acts secret, I think you are afraid to confess them because they could hurt me deeply, embarrass you, and possibly damage our relationship further. You have woven a protective curtain around yourself that is totally impenetrable. A shroud of deflection, defensiveness and deniability that makes your past indiscretions seem reasonable and justified, to you. The basic fact is, you Cheated! And you have apologized! Can I forgive you? Yes. Will I forgive you? That answer depends on your being totally honest right now.

First, let me say that you are a most amazing, accomplished liar. It is my belief that in your odd reality you actually believe the lies you tell are the truth. It is my unfortunate lot in life to know that I cannot trust a single word you say about your liaisons during our marriage. It is my belief that you think it is your right to do whatever you want to do with your own body without any consideration for my feelings. You want what you want when you want it. No regrets. No second thoughts. Your choices totally justified in your mind.

To begin, I am sure your emotional and physical relationship with Kathy was very rewarding and gratifying. I see Kathy as being the dominant figure in your partnership. You went to her apartment for sex; she made the first sexual advances toward you; you coveted her attention and strived to please her; she made you feel loved and desired; she talked you into swinging and she wanted you to make it with her and Vinny. I think you were in love with her and wanted to please her in every way you could. In my truth, it was Vinnie's cum that was inside your pussy when you fingered yourself and licked them clean. Whenever this subject comes up you always say that if it was a Saturday you had to have been at Kathy's. I think you finally gave in to her desire for a threesome. In my truth, your sexual affair with her lasted at least 2 1/2 years, which is when she got pregnant and about the time of your finger fucking / licking performance. Every Saturday I knew you were with her as soon as possible after you left the house. Saturday's were your special time together. In my truth, you two being intimate only three or four times is pure fiction. Fifty times is a more believable number, maybe even more. You were infatuated with her beauty and by her desire for your body.

It was a pleasure filled first month of marriage for you. Eating Kathy's pussy, sucking Vinny's cock and letting Stevie fuck your cunt, all in that short period of time. After the swinging ended, you and Kathy settled into your Saturday passionate get togethers which lasted until and probably after she got pregnant.

From here it is a mere three years to your New Years Eve cocksucking adventure with Scott. This period of time is a mystery to me but of course you have "blocked" the memories of what really happened during that time. There are no identifiable incidents you have admitted to during this time, but three things are true. I was still working nights which freed you up for your Saturday adventures while I slept, you were exploring your blossoming sexuality and you were on the pill. A perfect storm for infidelity. Opportunity was abundant. I remember the personal calendar you carried that tracked your day to day life. In my truth, I now wonder if you had a symbol you used in it for your extramarital sex with others and when you came home horny and wanting to fuck on Saturdays I wondered if I was just covering up the cum you already had inside you. Yes, in my truth, I do believe you could be that devious.

During that time you were a slut. In fact, you were a lying, cheating slut. Do it, deny it, and forget about it until the next time, repeat as needed. You have always had a negative reaction to the word "slut". My truth tells me that the reason you despise that word so much is that deep inside your soul you knew you were a slut, and the truth hurts. You are embarrassed by all the unfaithful acts you have committed. You don't feel guilt about these acts because to feel guilt you would have to admit you were doing something wrong but you are always able to justify your promiscuous behavior in your mind. "I'd been drinking", "I'd been smoking", "I was horny", "It just happened"... etc. After the fact you might think about what you had done but by then it is in the past, and soon forgotten. Your rationale being, "It's my body and I'll do what I want for my pleasure". No regrets.

You say that besides Kathy you didn't have sex with anyone else at work. But from what you have told me almost everyone else in the office was cheating or on the hunt. That makes me wonder about your personal appearance and the way you presented yourself in the workplace. You were not dressing to please me. At home you wore jeans and a t-shirt. During your years at the phone company you maintained a thin stylish figure. Your hair, makeup, clothing and shoes were always just so. You looked perfectly lovely and totally hot. I know you were dressing for the office and not for a particular individual but in my truth I can't be sure you weren't trying to catch someone's eye. I know you were always trying to please Kathy but she and Vinny were in an open marriage and you were vulnerable to her influence. During the six months after you left the phone company you quickly put on 40 pounds of body weight. Leaving your job should have reduced your stress levels but apparently something else was bothering you. You have so many secrets hidden away in your memories. You never talk about your years at the phone company which of course makes me suspicious of your time there. Your opportunity to cheat was everywhere you looked.

In closing, let me list some of the red flags you raised. You say you only had sex with Kathy 4 times but admit to being with her every Saturday and being with her the day the finger/ fucking event occurred two years into our marriage. That does not make sense. As the saying goes, "If the facts don't add up the truth wasn't included in the equation". Next, you told me Kathy liked asses and that she fingered and licked your ass. Your memory of her doing that to you displayed itself when I licked your ass for the first time. Your immediate and spontaneous reaction of pulling your legs up to your chest to allow me better access is a memory I will cherish forever. It was totally hot.

Next, I think you had an office relationship with George, emotional or sexual, I do not know for sure. But I do recall going to his home twice for dinner with he and his wife. The conversation did turn sexual and was mainly driven by him. I found it totally out of place for a first social occasion. You also set up a deal with him for his friend to buy our Nikon movie camera. The deal took place at his friends apartment on the East Side, where you showed me some nude female photos the buyer had taken. The way you presented the pictures I knew you had seen them before. When George was leaving the company you asked for my assistance in preparing the directions and map to the party site. You were actively involved in the planning of his party. All this says relationship to me but the glaring question is why you say you can't even remember his last name. That is absurd. Why are you protecting him? Why were you emotionally entangled with someone you admitted was a weirdo.

Lastly, you are a very emotional woman, you cry almost every day while watching your TV shows. You even cried while we were watching Toy Story 3. During the past year I have applied constant pressure on you to tell me the truth, but with the exception of Scott you have remained steadfast in your denials. Not once have my prying accusations brought you to tears. At the end of this audio you are apologizing to me for not believing you. That fact alone tells me you are lying. You should be attacking me for not believing you, but you present no facts to support your denials.

I have already told you "My Truth" so you know my personal feelings about all these matters. Your mind and memory are seriously messed up. So, keep living in your fantasy world. As long as you don't return to your cheating ways, I can live with that. At your core you are a good person. I don't know what flaw existed in our relationship that made you disrespect me so completely in the past. Perhaps some day you will figure it out and tell me what the problem was. But I'm not holding my breath. You need help but I don't think you realize your mental deficiency. You seem happy, despite the low self esteem you exhibit. You certainly satisfy me sexually, you have a remarkable talent for pushing my buttons and building my passion to ecstatic completion. You are a remarkable, sensual, uninhibited woman. Just remember, at the present time, that without the truth I cannot trust you and will continue to be suspicious. You control our future. The next move is yours alone.

All My Love - Steve

****Deep Guilt: I Am Not A Lesbian (text)**** Posted: 06-17-2021

To the reader,

The purpose of todays article is to connect my wife's lesbian relationship at the beginning of our marriage with her most cherished lesbian partner in this series. These fantasies revolve around the character of "Nikki", a blonde sexual dynamo, who is in fact a surrogate for "Kathy". In real life, Kathy was Candies first and longest adult lesbian love. Their relationship together lasted at least 6 years. She says they only had sex 3 or 4 times but that is wildly inaccurate. Their first time together occurred in the weeks before we were married, but she claims to have been with Kathy the Saturday of the finger fucking / licking episode 2 1/2 years later. How could anyone believe this accounting of 3 times in 2 1/2 years? In Candies own words, "we were together every Saturday". I would put the number of sexual encounters at closer to 80 during that 2 1/2 year period.

It is remarkable how closely her sexual episodes with Kathy follow Candies fantasies of the lesbian sex she relates in her stories. In real life the sessions always began at Kathy's apartment with a glass of wine, or some other form of alcohol. The wine freed Candie of her inhibitions and made her feel guiltless in doing what she wanted and needed to do. The wine was a prerequisite then and is still required before sex to this very day. Before the activities began they would freshen up, put perfume on their private areas and don kimonos that were worn before and in between the different sex acts performed. The sex always started with the girls making out and French kissing. This is very interesting because before she met Kathy, Candie did not French kiss believing it to be unsanitary. Her lust for Kathy quickly changed her mind about this. She now loves the oral erotic sharing of pussy juice.

The make out session quickly led to the fondling of breasts, the sucking of nipples and slow intimate caresses of their pussies. As their passion built, they moved to the bedroom, where they took turns eating each other out. Once their vaginas were sufficiently lubricated they would get in the 69 position and lick and finger each other until both achieved orgasm. The crowning moment of this first act was a deep French kiss during which their sexual juices would be orally exchanged and savored.

After a brief intermission to freshen up, have a little more wine and watch some girl-girl porn the second act would begin. The girls were always tender and caring with each other. The kissing and caressing always gentle and sprinkled with erotic talk. Kathy was drawn to Candies asshole and would intimately lick and finger her. An act to which Candie responded by pulling her knees up to her chest to give Kathy better access to her ass. Candie at this point could not yet bring herself to reciprocate in licking Kathy's ass but would use a dildo on her instead. Kathy had a variety of dildos available which they both put to good use. A dildo up their asses while they ate each other's cunts to another massive orgasm, followed by a cum swapping kiss was the grand finale of the day.

That was their typical Saturday together and I'm sure you can see how deeply these memories are imprinted on her psyche. Candie has been fondly reliving them for the past 15 years every time she creates a fantasy involving her and another woman, especially Nikki. I don't know what is preventing her from admitting that she is bisexual but she was clearly in love with Kathy for many years. I do not fault her for having these feelings for her best friend. If her mindset requires her to find pleasure and emotional security with a woman then let it be so. I do not feel threatened by her desires. However, her denial of any such feelings is beyond my capability to understand.