Deep Talks

"I don't even hate her. I want to, but she's actually nice. She's good for Xan. I can see it."

"Oh."

"Usually it's so easy to hate them. But I can't even with her. Even though... shit, I'm pretty sure she was the first girlfriend he had sex with."

"You think?"

"Best I can figure. Maybe he and Milly did it. I don't know."

"How would you know these things?"

"Best guesses is all. I know exactly the first time Xan and Beth had sex. He was so fucking happy for days. Like irritatingly happy."

"Oh. Yeah. That kind of thing. I getcha."

"Or maybe he's fucked them all. Every fucking girl. Except me. Everyone except me."

"Don't spiral, Kase."

"Doin' my best."

"I know. You don't even want to fuck him anyway."

"No, but... if he wanted..."

"Yeah, dude, I know. But that's not what you want. Not good to fixate on it."

"Easier said than done."

"Sure. Most things are. Plus you just said you only thought it was Beth. Not, like, 'everyone'."

"That's true. Doesn't help much, but yeah, you're right. I might be spiraling a little."

"No way, really?"

"Shush."

"I think it's good at least that you're not instinctively hating Xan's girlfriends anymore."

"Maybe. Could just be Beth though. Maybe she's just, like, actually not a bad person or something. Maybe she can make Xan happy. I do want him to be happy."

"Yeah, of course."

"But, like, how'm I gonna be happy?"

"Shit, that's the trick alright. Pretty sure everyone asks themselves that."

"Are you happy?"

"Enh. I'm doing ok, I think. Be happier if I could find the right person. You know, kinda like you."

"A girl?"

"Probably. Not necessarily, but probably."

I nodded, feeling just stupid enough to carry on my line of thought. "What about me?"

"Uh... in what sense?"

"Like you kinda liked me, right?"

"Well yeah. Still kinda do, but just low-key. Not a big deal. What are-"

I moved quick, darting in to kiss Lily. She was very clearly surprised. Even once she figured out what was happening, she let the kiss linger a moment before pushing me away.

"Kase, don't."

"But you like me."

"Yeah. But that's not you."

"How do you know? Maybe that's why I don't really want boys. Maybe I like girls."

"But you don't, do you?"

I struggled internally. "Well... no. I don't think so."

"Don't try and force it."

"But... but..." I slumped back. "I'm sorry."

"It's ok. It was a nice kiss, if that helps."

I snorted. "Yeah. I mean actually, it was kinda nice. I think maybe... maybe I've never started a kiss."

"What? Really?"

"Yeah. I've been ok with kissing boys sometimes. But never really excited enough to want to go for it. Just, like, let it happen when they wanted to."

"Well gee. I feel special now."

"You should."

"Did it... do anything for you?"

"Ugh. No. Not really. And... and I just realized your pussy's still out, and now I feel even weirder about what I did."

Lily laughed softly. "I'll put pants back on."

"I appreciate it."

"It really wasn't a bad kiss."

"Thanks?"

"If you ever feel like you actually really might like me, I'd do it again."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. But I'm not being your get-over-Xander-free card."

"No. I know. Sorry again."

"It's cool."

"I don't think it'd really get me over him anyway."

"No. Probably not. You want ice cream?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Yeah I really do."

"Great. Go pick some up and we'll have at it."

"Oh you dick. That's such a tease."

Lily beamed angelically. "You owe me one. You just surprise-kissed me."

"You said we were cool!"

"We are. We'd be even cooler if you get us ice cream."

"Right. Because it's cold. Ha ha, etcetera."

"I didn't actually mean it that way, but yeah, that too."

"You know this means I gotta put pants back on too."

"The world is just full of hardships."

****

Chapter Five: Kasey at Twenty-Two

****

I moved in with Lily. Her roommates left and she needed some new ones anyway. I was one, this guy Brendan was another. He and Lily were already kind of friends, and we got along well enough, so it was fine.

It was good for me. I couldn't handle living at home without Xander. As predicted, Mom had washed his bedding and ruined me being able to sneak in and sleep in his bed to pretend like he was still around. For a while I'd still been able to curl up in one of my brother's hoodies I'd stolen, but that wasn't nearly enough.

The good news was I probably grew out of some of my obsession. I hated to think that other people had been right, that it wouldn't be so bad, that I'd actually come out better in the end. They were right, though. I didn't strictly need Xander in my life. I missed him, but I could function. Even enjoy myself.

I still texted with Xander frequently, and we met up sometimes. I tried to get once a week with him, but sometimes it was two or three weeks between visits.

I was waiting for him at a coffee shop this time. Coffee dates were easy and reminded me of the time he'd rescued me.

"Hey, Kase."

I looked up from my phone and smiled. "Hey, Xan."

"Waiting long?"

"Nah. I was early anyway."

"Mmhm. I'ma grab a coffee and be right back."

I nodded and went back to my phone while Xander was ordering. Really, though, I watched him while pretending to be looking down.

He looked good. He always did to me. But maybe... maybe he didn't look like he was putting quite the same effort in as I was used to. I'd been noticing a faint trend toward slacking off. Ever since he and Beth moved in together, I thought. Like he just didn't feel the same need to attract attention these days.

"How's it like being out of school finally?" Xander asked.

"Pretty good. It was getting tiresome."

"Yeah. I get that. I miss parts of it, but overall... nah, don't miss it."

"Mmhm. My job's going good too. I wasn't sure at first, but they're finally letting me do some of the stuff I'm supposed to be there for."

"What were you doing before?"

"Like... busywork. Printing stuff. Entering data."

"Oof."

"Yeah. Had to tell them that wasn't why I wanted the job. I got a degree for a reason, and it wasn't to be an intern."

"Went well?"

"Yep."

"Nice." Xander favoured me with a broad smile. "You're really figuring the world out, huh?"

I shrugged. "I don't know about that."

"I do. Honestly, you might not like to hear it, but I think you're doing better without me around all the time."

I fidgeted with my half-finished drink. "No, you're right. I do hate it, but yeah, it was good for me."

"I'm glad."

"It's... it's whatever. It's good. I miss you."

"I know. I still wake up sometimes and think you're gonna be there. Start thinking about, like, asking what you want for breakfast, or if you need a drive. Then I remember... you know."

"You think that stuff?"

"Not a lot. But sometimes. I miss living with you too, you know."

"Well good. You should miss me."

"I do."

I nodded like it was settled. "So, uh, how's Beth?"

Surprisingly, Xander seemed to struggle with a fairly usual and innocuous question. "She's... good."

"Is she?"

"Yeah."

"Buuuttt?"

"I don't know. She's talking about getting married."

I choked on my coffee. "What?"

"Yeah. Like not right away. But she thinks maybe we should at least get engaged or something?"

"Really? Isn't it kinda early for that?"

"That's what I thought," Xander said, seeming relieved that I agreed. "Like I really like her and everything. And living together's going good. But... I'm not ready to be married."

"What's the hurry?"

"Exactly. But maybe... maybe I just go along with being engaged? See how that goes?"

"Xan..."

"I know. I shouldn't do it if I don't want to."

"Correct."

"But I don't not want to, if that makes sense. I'm not sure. And engaged isn't as crazy as married."

"You get engaged, she's gonna push for marriage."

"Probably, right?" Xander sighed. "I kinda miss just dealing with you wanting to get in my pants. Simpler times."

I giggled softly and looked around to make sure no one heard. Though to be fair, no one knew us, or that I was his sister. "I never tried to get in your pants."

"Easy to say now."

"I never did! Being in love with you and wanting to bone you are two different things."

"Ah. So you never wanted to bone me. Good to know."

I shifted awkwardly. "Well... maybe not never..."

"Ha. I miss you, Kase."

"Could always move in with me. I'll leave my roommates, you leave your girlfriend. We could get back to our weird little codependent sibling thing."

"I could be down for that. Lemme give this thing with Beth a go first. Your plan can be the backup."

There was conflict within me between the easy, mildly fucked up banter we slid into, and the sad knowledge that I wasn't going to get picked over Beth. I knew that right from the start, of course. But I liked to pretend even just for a moment.

Still, it wasn't as heartbreaking as it would have been even a year ago. I was getting better and more independent all the time. Didn't mean I had to like it.

"Your funeral," I said, feigning disinterest as best I could.

"It's gonna be fine," Xander said, trying to convince himself as much as me.

"I'm sure she'd be glad to hear that it'll be... 'fine'."

"Oh shush. How's your love life going?"

"Low blow, bro. Low blow."

"Hey, I don't know. Maybe you actually found someone. How'm I to know if I don't ask?"

"Me and Mr. Vibey are doing just fine, thanks for your interest."

"Mr. Vibey? You don't really-"

"No. It doesn't have a name. I'm not that weird."

"Good to know."

"I'm thinking of trying out butt plugs."

Xander went gratifyingly pink. "Kase!"

"You asked."

"I did not ask about your masturbation habits."

"You essentially did."

"I did not."

"Lily says butt play's pretty fun sometimes. I thought-"

"Still didn't ask!"

"No." I grinned devilishly. "But you're going so red I couldn't help myself."

"Well... stop."

"Poor innocent brother. Such a prude."

"Not wanting to hear about my little sis sticking things up her... butt... does not make me a prude."

"You didn't care about my vibrator."

"That's... I don't know. That's easier. Normal."

I arched an eyebrow. "Ooh, ok, so you actually are a prude. How did I never know?"

"I'm not!"

"Have you even done any butt stuff?"

"What, me? Or with a girl?"

"Either."

"... no."

I cackled gleefully. "I finally got one up on you!"

"Whatever."

"At least I've tried-"

"Please don't tell me what you've tried."

"Don't you wanna knooowww?"

"No."

"Even if-"

"Nuh uh."

"-it was just fingers?"

"What part of 'I don't want to know' is confusing you?"

"Oh I get it. I'm just loving this."

"I bet you are."

"You know, if Beth won't do that stuff, you could always-"

"Kase, I don't want to threaten our coffee dates. But if you finish that sentence..."

I threw my hands up. "Done! I'm done."

"Good."

"Prude."

"Little shit."

I grinned.

Xander shook his head. "I think I miss the days of you being all repressed and semi-asexual and whatever."

"Oh I still am. Don't worry. Just... I try stuff sometimes. Lily's been good for that."

"Oh yeah? Anything going on there?"

"Ha, no. Not like that. Nothing romantic."

"Ah. Oh well."

"But she has shown me some stuff."

"... in what sense?"

"Thought you didn't want to know."

"You're right. I don't."

"But you were cuuurious for a sec, huh?"

"Maybe."

"Me with another girl, eh? That's what does it for you?"

"Not hardly."

"It did. For a sec it totally did."

"Stop grinning like that."

"Can't."

"You're a weird girl, Kase."

"Yeah. I've been told."

****

"You mind if Brendan joins us?" Lily asked.

"With what?"

"Our porn night."

"What, seriously?"

"Yeah. Is it ok? We could watch on the tv in the living room if we didn't have to keep it all secret."

I folded my arms. "Lily, did you already tell him about it?"

"Maybe."

"Lily!"

"Well he was curious."

"So what?"

"He's our roommate. He's cool. It's fine."

"Says you. I don't want to have to stop watching what we want to just so-"

"Oh, no. No no. He's cool with incest vids."

"... he is?"

"Yeah."

"You told him everything?"

"It kinda happened. It was going so well, and we just kept talking."

"Ugh."

"Come on. You like Brendan."

"I like lots of people that I don't want to share my dirty side with."

"That's fair. Give it a try anyway?"

"Is he gonna perv on me?"

"I dunno. Probably not."

"Great."

I had my doubts, and it was definitely a little awkward at first, but it actually wasn't too bad. I kept all my clothes on at first and made Lily sit on the couch with Brendan while I took the recliner.

Lily wasn't bothered and was first to strip her jeans and panties off so she could freely rub herself.

She had to repeatedly nudge Brendan before he finally got his dick out. He didn't seem any much more comfortable than I was at first.

Once they were both masturbating, I felt like it was probably fine if I did too. I left my panties on and just sneaked my fingers in underneath, still not quite willing to give Brendan a show in case he looked my way, which he occasionally did.

"You guys really do this a lot?" Brendan asked.

"For sure," Lily said. "Had to always be on my little tablet though. The big screen's way better."

"And it's always... incest?"

"Nearly always, yeah. Sometimes I pick something else. Kasey's a one-track girl though."

"Oh shut up," I said, flushing slightly. "Don't blame me."

"It's genuinely mostly because of you though," Lily said. "I never watched nearly so much incest porn before we started doing this."

I shook my head and pulled my knees up, curling into more of a ball while still rubbing myself. "You make me sound like a total perv."

"Which is funny considering how horny you generally aren't."

Brendan looked back and forth between us. "I'm missing something, aren't I?"

"Lots of things," Lily said. "Enjoy the show, would you?"

All three of us pretended to go back to watching the porn on the tv. It wasn't particularly doing much for me, though, and I kind of just left my hand covering my pussy, barely moving.

The initial setup had been kind of sweet. A sister all nervous for prom. Her brother danced with her some before she went, made her feel more confident. When she got back, she sneaked into his room and they talked some.

Then they boned. They always boned. Never just fell asleep all cuddled and snug. It was ok, but not what I wanted.

As soon as sex happened, that's all it was. Maybe they'd call each other 'brother' or 'sister' sometimes, but it lost all meaning. It kinda sucked. Sometimes vids could still do it for me at that point. This one couldn't.

Lily and Brendan didn't have that problem. They played with themselves while watching the action. Brendan even scooted his pants down to his ankles and freed up more of his cock for stroking and for someone to peek at if she wanted. Which I did.

It wasn't really sexual. Not like I was getting off on seeing his penis. It was more just that I was used to Lily being bottomless, and us casually being together half naked. A boy with his cock out that wasn't expecting me to do stuff was a bit of a novelty.

It gave me ideas, honestly. Thoughts of Xander in particular. Wondering if there was ever a world where he and I did something like this. Masturbating together to videos of pretend siblings falling for each other.

That was wishful thinking, of course. He wasn't interested that way. And even if he was, he had a girlfriend he was about to get engaged to.

At least my little daydream got me kind of worked up again. Gave me something to rub myself to, even if it wasn't enough to really get me there. I needed something way better to cum. Lots of times I didn't finish. It was fine. I wasn't even jealous much of Lily these days, and her superhuman ability to usually cum when she wanted to.

Though admittedly, it probably just meant she was normal, and only seemed to have powers relative to my dysfunctional self.

****

Mom and Dad were thrilled to hear Xander and Beth were engaged. I had to endure a family dinner with everyone gushing about it.

For the most part, I stayed quiet and picked at my food. Xander had moments in between acting excited where he went just as quiet as me. No one seemed to notice. Just the two of us at times, making knowing eye contact across the table.

We somehow made an excuse to stand outside by ourselves for a bit after dinner. Xander casually sipped at a half-emptied beer bottle. I'd already had two glasses of wine and needed to chill so I could drive myself home later. The buzz was already on the downswing, and I needed to just let it fade no matter how much more pleasant it would have been to ride the evening comfortably drunk.

"Pulled the trigger, huh?"

Xander shrugged. "Wouldn't say that. Married would be the trigger, wouldn't it? More like cocked the gun, if anything."

"Hehe, cocked."

"It's a real word."

"I know. But it's funny."

"You're taking this remarkably well."

"Oh, I hate it, thanks for asking."

"No, I know. But you haven't been actively sulking."

"True. Seemed uncouth."

"Fair." Xander took another drink. "We're gonna be happy."

"Never said you weren't."

"We love each other."

"Who you arguing with, Xan?"

"Just sayin'."

"Mmhm."

"I'm not ready to get married yet."

"I know."

"But I should be."

"Who's to say when you 'should be'?"

"It's good though. The sex has been way better since we did the whole 'engaged' thing."

"Thanks for sharing?"

"Beth's happy."

"Xan, listen, you don't have to get married. And even if you do, it doesn't have to be yet. Stay engaged a while. See how it goes."

"That's the plan. I'm already worried for when she gets impatient though."

"Have you told her any of this?"

"How can I do that? She'd be crushed."

"Seems like you dug yourself quite a hole then, didn't ya?"

Xander sighed. "Yeah. I think I did. This is supposed to be fun. It's so stressful."

"Even with the good sex?"

"That helps. Lots of other stuff's good. I don't mean to imply it isn't. I'm happy with her."

"Uh huh."

"I'd be happier if... if we could just be together, you know? Why we gotta be making it a whole thing?"

"Don't ask me. She's your girlfriend. Sorry, your betrothed."

"Ugh."

I grinned. "And just think. You coulda had me instead. Never woulda been any issue about marriage."

"You mean 'cause it's mildly illegal?"

"That too, I guess. I just meant I wouldn't really care."

"At all?"

"Nah. Well, maybe I shouldn't say at all. It'd feel kinda nice everyone knowing we were together, I guess. Even if that's the impossible cherry on the already-nearly-impossible sundae."

"You still think about stuff like that?"

"Sure. Less than I used to. It helps not always having you around. It sucks too. But at least I think about other stuff. I still basically only get off to brother and sister stuff online."

"You know I don't need details like that."

"You asked."

"I did. Not that specific, but I did."

I hesitated while Xander took another drink. "There's this guy Brendan..."

"Your roommate? Or another one?"

"No. Him. He's kinda interesting."

"Oh?"

"Yeah."

"Like for real?"

"I think so. Maybe. I don't know that I could really be into him. Not like in a normal way. But he's been watching porn with me and Lily. He's kinda into that stuff too."

"... you watch porn together?"

"Yeah. Have I never said?"

"Maybe. You'd think I'd remember that, though."

"Mmm. 'Cause you do so enjoy the thought of me and Lily messing around, don't ya?"

"You continue to misinterpret things. Deliberately, I assume."