Deep Talks

"I don't think that's it. I mean, partly, maybe. But it was never about being shy with you, was it? It's that you don't see the point."

"I... don't see... the point?"

"Yeah. In, like, dressing for people. Trying to get their attention. Or whatever. You're getting it though, aren't you?"

I squirmed and unconsciously tugged at my top. I was showing more cleavage than I was used to, still hoping to get one person's attention in particular.

"Maybe."

"Yeah you are. It's great."

"You think?"

"Sure. It's good to be comfortable with stuff like that when you find the right guy. Or girl."

"I'm not-"

"Hey, whatever, I'm just saying."

I nodded and looked down. "So what do you think?"

"Me?"

"Yeah."

"Of you?"

I flushed. "Yeah. Would it work on you?"

Xander was silent for a moment. Without looking at him, I had no indication of what he was thinking. I had to risk peeking at him. He only looked thoughtful.

"It just might," he finally said.

My heart swelled. "Really?"

"Yeah. I think a lot of it would be the extra confidence. But, you know, more leg and boobies never hurt, right?"

I started to cross my arms in embarrassment, then stopped myself. "Right."

"You should think about doing that thing with your hair more too."

"What thing?"

"You know, when you..." Xander made a few motions with his hands, but seemed not to have the words. He struggled a moment, then gave up. "The thing."

"I still don't know what you mean."

"You've done it before. Lots. Like... like this."

He stepped closer and reached for my hair. I stood so very still for him. His touch was so perfect as he fussed with me, trying to recreate something like what he was imagining.

I wanted him to play with my hair for hours. To just feel it. To be with him, and to have him touching me. Just caressing. Feeling cared for.

"Something like that," Xander said all too soon. "But with the braid and everything."

"You know I can't see it."

"Well, yeah, but... but..."

I took my phone out and snapped an awkward selfie. It gave me some sense of what he meant, and actually I did know which hairstyle he meant once I saw.

"Oh. That. Like kinda pulled up and braided on one side, and down and in my face in the other, yeah? You like it like that?"

"Kinda, yeah."

"I could maybe do it more often."

Xander smiled. "You should. It looks good on you."

"Thanks."

****

I wore my hair like Xander liked it. Not always, but a lot more often. He knew it was because he'd asked. He smiled sometimes when he saw me, in a way that made me all melty inside. I had to consciously not do the same thing to my hair every day. It was tempting, but I got better results when I waited a few days in between.

I carried on trying to dress a little more fun. A little sexier, maybe. It got me compliments sometimes, and sometimes those compliments were from Xander, which was what really mattered.

It got me more attention from other boys too, though. Somehow, without meaning to, I picked up another boyfriend. Avery. Probably not quite as nice a guy as I was used to, but it made me feel less horrible about myself knowing that I wouldn't be giving him what he wanted.

And to be fair, I was more explicit about not really being interested in a relationship, so he had fair warning. I said we could hang out sometimes, and maybe we'd make out on occasion, and stuff like that. He said he was fine with it. He was expecting to grow on me, of course, and expecting things to progress. Maybe it was still kind of shitty leaving him that hope, but I'd been very clear that I wasn't going for any of that, so it wasn't all on me.

Xander was seeing someone again too, and maybe that was why I said yes at all to Avery. Some feeling of loneliness or jealousy, or even just that Xander was with someone so there was no point holding out for him until he was single again.

****

Chapter Three: Kasey at Twenty

****

I got a part-time job while still doing school. I needed money. Money for clothes and makeup. Stuff I wouldn't ordinarily have gone for before. I was trying out new things, and I needed the funds for it.

Plus, rather naughtily, I had started messing around with sex toys, and they cost money too. I couldn't exactly ask for financial help buying them from either Mom or Dad.

I got a dildo 'cause I thought it might be fun to have something I could pretend was Xander getting all bad with me. That didn't really work the way it did in my mind. The vibrator I got was better. It felt really nice just having it pressed to my clit, just gentle on me, while I read stories or thought about my brother.

I got another, more powerful vibrator after that one. A magic wand. Mostly because of stuff I'd seen online. I used it much less frequently, but it was so good for getting off when I really, really needed to. That wasn't often, but it was nice to have when I needed it.

The other upside to my job, aside from the money, was Lily. Lily was another girl who worked there, about a year older than me, but close enough to my age as made no difference. I was intitally drawn to the ever-changing artful streak in her hair, and her related attitude of not stressing over much, including stuff that would have made me a ball of anxiety. And she seemed to like me, which was important too. She was the closest thing I had to a friend there at first, and later on she became one of my best friends.

At some point, we bonded over Xander. It kind of cemented us in a way that I very much wasn't used to.

"So that guy who picks you up sometimes," Lily asked one day, "that's Avery, yeah?"

"No," I said. "That's Xander."

"Oh. Oh wow, wait, that's your brother?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I don't know. Just... the way you look at him, I assumed boyfriend."

"I don't have a boyfriend."

"Right, well, the guy you're... what, seeing? The guy you do stuff with sometimes?"

"Sure."

"Just call him your boyfriend. It's easier."

"Not for me."

Lily went quiet. Contemplative. "So what's Xander's deal then?"

"His deal?"

"Or your guys' deal."

"There's no deal."

"I mistook him for your boyfriend, and now you're adamant your actual boyfriend isn't your boyfriend either. There's something."

I looked at Lily. She looked right back. Fuck it. It wasn't a great job. I only liked it for Lily being there some days. If this fucked things up, I could always leave.

"I've got a thing for him," I said bluntly.

"For... Xander?"

"Yeah."

"Your brother?"

"Yes."

"Oh." Lily took a moment with that. "I can see it."

"You can?"

"Yeah. I mean, I've kinda got a thing for him, and I barely know him."

"Don't you dare."

"Ha, relax. I'm more into girls anyway."

"You are?"

"Yeah. Boys are fine sometimes, but girls... yeah, girls are better." She peered at me. "Have you seriously not noticed me flirting with you?"

"Was that... for real flirting?"

"Depended on how you took it."

"Oh."

"Is that ok?"

"I mean, yeah, it's fine. I'm not-"

"No no, I get it. It's ok. Long as you're cool with me being... me. Some people still aren't in this day and age."

"Sure." I shrugged. "I don't really understand how any of that stuff works. Not in any kind of normal way. It's good for people to figure it out, I think. At least what works for them."

Lily smiled. "I like that way of looking at it. But sounds like you've got troubles, huh?"

"You could say that."

"About your brother."

"Yes."

"How long?"

"Oh, fuck, like... I don't even know. It's just kind of always been a thing, maybe. But for a long, long time I was too young for it to be a... a problem."

"Makes sense."

"Apparently I used to sneak into his room when we were little. Like if I was having a bad night or something. I don't think it was on purpose, at least at first. He was just closer. But from what I remember... he was so good about it. I realize now he wasn't really any more mature than I was, but he seemed like he was at the time. It seemed like nothing could hurt me while I was with him."

Lily put a hand to her heart. "Awww. That's cute."

"Shut up."

"No, it is, though."

"You think?"

"Yeah."

"I mean, maybe it was kinda cute. It made me all warm and happy. I remember that. Usually he wouldn't let me sleep with him. But he did sometimes. I wasn't allowed to touch him. I remember that. We had to have our own sides of the bed. But... it was enough. He was there. He was warm, and his bed smelled different from mine. I... I snuck in a couple times when he was away or something. Just 'cause his bed made me sleep better."

"That's adorable."

"Yeah. Or obsessive."

"Do you think you're obsessive."

"Yeah. Probably. I don't mean to be. But just, like, why can I not get it through my head that I should be going after basically any boy other than Xan?"

"Enh. Not the worst, though. Sure you can't really be together, but at least he'd never treat you shitty, right?"

"Never."

"Yeah, see, so there you go. Worst you could do was be with someone shitty to you. By comparison, the doomed romance isn't so bad."

"Huh. Maybe. That's a good way to look at it."

"I think so."

"So... you don't think it's a problem if I don't get over him?"

"It's obviously not ideal. But, like, you know how often I get crushing on straight girls? I'm not exactly ideal either."

"That's not quite as bad."

"No. Maybe not."

I sighed. "I think Xan thinks I'm, like, asexual or something."

"Oh. Are you?"

"I don't think so. But maybe. I just, like, sometimes I think it'd be easier being totally asexual, maybe. So I wouldn't have these feelings for him."

"Yeah, asexual wouldn't cut it. You'd need to be, like, aromantic."

"What?"

"Yeah. Asexual is mostly to do with sex. If you've got romantic feelings, that's a different thing." Lily shrugged. "Unless you just really, really want to bone him and aren't all deeply in love."

"I wouldn't say I'm in love. But... yeah, that makes sense. I don't know that I actually want to... have sex with him. I would, but it's not about that." I considered. "Aromantic, huh?"

"Yeah. But I don't think it's something you can, like, learn. It's just something you are."

"Maybe if I try really hard..."

Lily smiled. "Don't think so."

"Dang."

"Yeah."

"Lily?"

"Hm?"

"I don't know why I told you any of this, but thanks for being pretty great about it."

Lily smiled. "Hey, no worries. It's no fun going through this stuff alone."

"Tell me about it."

****

Maybe it was just having someone who knew and was ok with it. Maybe that was all it took. My fantasies, my thoughts of Xander, made me feel a little less guilty and alone, anyway.

Having it figured out in my head that there was a difference between sex and romance helped too. It seemed so obvious in hindsight, but I wasn't sure I would have put it together on my own. I didn't want to fuck my brother necessarily, but I so badly wanted a relationship with him.

Not that it mattered. I couldn't have either. He was always chasing after other girls. Or in relationships with them. I still had to resign myself to never being the kind of girl he looked at that way.

I got myself kind of in trouble. It was all my confused feelings. Maybe I just wanted to try some things and see what I felt.

Whatever it was, I let myself go too far with Avery. Let him start taking some of my clothes off, let him get his dick out, touched it, stroked it, halfway convinced myself that I might as well try sex. Might as well see.

But I couldn't do it. I didn't want it. The closer we got, the more panicked I got, and the more I just wanted to run.

It was even harder for me because I could see how excited Avery was getting. How much he wanted it. I started to worry, to get truly afraid that he wouldn't accept a no from me. But what else could I do? I didn't want it. I couldn't do it. Just couldn't.

"Stop."

"What?"

"Stop! I... I can't. I don't want to."

Avery looked confused, then hurt, then annoyed bordering on angry. "What?"

"Stop," I repeated. "Give me my shirt."

"Oh seriously?!"

"Yes. Please?"

Avery fell back on the bed with a groan of frustration. His cock was out and hard, his underwear halfway down his legs, his shirt open, but not quite out of the way.

I wrapped my arms around myself, wondering if I dared to just start grabbing my clothes and dressing. I had my panties on, and my jeans only opened enough so he could get at me some. I kind of liked having my pussy touched, but it was better when I did it myself, or used a vibrator. It wasn't good enough to be worth it, at any rate. I wasn't even sure I was getting wet for him.

"What the hell, Kasey? How long are you gonna do this to me?"

"Do what?"

"Be a... cocktease."

I flushed a little angry, but also kind of embarrassed. "I'm not."

"You are."

"I told you! I told you I never wanted anything. Not really."

"Then why did you ever go out with me?"

"You asked. And I thought... I don't know what I thought. But I told you I didn't want to be your girlfriend."

"You... ugh, you don't make any sense. This is torture."

I was getting more angry by the moment, which helped fight my fear and uncertainty, at least. "So find someone else, then! Jesus. Don't put your shit on me. I've got enough of my own."

"Yeah? Like what? What shit do you have?"

"None of your business."

Avery looked disgusted. "Yeah. None of my business great. Fine. Whatever. Just go."

I wanted to remind him he'd driven me, but I didn't quite dare. I picked up my bra, my shirt, whatever of my things I could find. Maybe I'd miss something. I didn't care. I just wanted out of there.

My fingers trembled as I tried to call Xander. I didn't even think about anyone else. Didn't consider it. I needed my brother. He needed to come rescue me.

The phone rang forever before he finally picked up.

"Kase?"

"Come get me," I blurted.

"Um... Kase, I'm kinda with-"

"Please!"

Xander hesitated a moment. It wasn't long at all, but I had a sudden panic he'd say no.

"Are you ok?" he asked.

"No. I'm... I'm safe. But I'm not ok."

"Shit. Ok. Where are you?"

"Just... I'll be in front of Avery's. You remember where?"

"Yeah. I remember. Did he do something?"

"... no. Yes. But no. I don't know."

"Shit shit shit." Xander's voice was in and out a little like he was moving around frantically. "Ok. Find the nearest, like, coffee shop or something, ok? Wait there. Text me where."

I nodded, feeling reassured already. "Ok. Thanks, Xan."

"Yeah. Of course."

I realized that I was still holding my bra in my hand as I marched down the street, fighting tears. I stuffed it in my coat and kept walking. I didn't know what else to do.

The barista at the place I walked into gave me a concerned look and seemed like she wanted to ask about me, but I mumbled my way through an order and she just kind of let it go.

The drink I got was way more chocolatey and sweet than I usually went for. More desert than coffee. It tasted good, though, and comforting. Not unlike a hot chocolate on a cold, miserable day.

Xander rushed in the door a little while later, after I'd finished most of my drink despite trying to sip it slowly. He looked a bit wild, but calmed down when he saw me, and that I was sitting there relatively ok.

"Jesus, Kase. You had me kinda scared."

"Sorry. I was kinda scared myself."

"What happened."

I shrugged. "He wanted sex. I didn't."

"What? Did he..."

"He didn't do anything. It's my fault, kinda. I let him get further than usual. Get my clothes off and stuff."

"It's not your fault," Xander said firmly.

"It kinda is. I told him I didn't want any boyfriend stuff. But, like-"

"No, Kase. It's not your fault."

I felt a warm reassurance in his repetition and conviction. "I shouldn't have gone out with him."

"Maybe not. But... you have to try so you know, right?"

"I guess. I'm tired of trying, though. It's so much work. And so stressful. I don't like it."

"Yeah. Yeah I kinda get that." Xander shook his head. "It's worth it. When you can find something good, even for a little while, it's worth it."

"I wouldn't know."

"Well that's what the trying's for. Although... shit, Kase, I don't want you in situations you're not comfortable with."

I squirmed. "I'm not comfortable with much, seems like. I thought... maybe if I just had sex, if I just did it, maybe stuff would make more sense?"

"It doesn't really work that way. If stuff doesn't make sense before you do it, it probably won't after either."

"Oh. Well... fuck."

Xander chuckled as I dropped a heartfelt f-bomb. "You wanna hang here for a bit? I'm gonna order something if we're sticking around, is all."

I looked up suddenly regaining awareness of something other than myself. "Oh. Oh shit. You were with Beth, weren't you?"

"Kinda, yeah."

"Shit. Like... like how with her?"

"You really want to know?"

"Maybe?"

"Mid-sex."

"Oh no." I buried my face in my hands. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine. She was pissed, but she was fine when she realized you were in trouble."

"But I wasn't! Dammit. Why'd you pick up? I coulda got a cab or something."

"Kase, seriously, like I'm not gonna pick up when you need me?"

I flushed warm inside. I wished I had more of my drink left to hide behind, not just weird, sugary dregs. Why couldn't he say stuff like that more often? That was what I needed in my life.

"I didn't need you as bad as I thought."

"Yeah you did. It's ok. People have emotions. Be ok with that."

"Ok." I looked toward the counter. The same barista who'd served me earlier gave me a questioning look when I caught her eye. I smiled hesitantly like I was ok. Because I was. Nothing could hurt me right now. Xander was here. "Maybe... maybe you should order something?"

Xander nodded easily. "Sounds good. You want something else too?"

"Maybe. Yeah, maybe. Here, I'll pay though. You came out to get me and everything, and-"

"Nah, it's on me, Kase. Just sit tight."

Again that warm flush inside, deeper and more visceral. It was like... like how a date was supposed to feel, I thought. They never did much for me usually. And not that this was a date at all, but Xander showing up and paying for me and just wanting to take care of me... it all felt so nice. Like I mattered.

"You should maybe eat something too. What do you want?"

I broke out of my daydream that must have only lasted a few seconds, though it felt longer. "Oh, uh, actually yeah, I'm kinda hungry. But wait, for real let me give you money for that."

Xander stopped my hand fumbling with my purse. He patted my shoulder. "What do you want?" he repeated with a look in his eye like he wasn't going to let me convince him.

Drink-wise, I only had a tea the second time around. It was nice. A bit odd coming on the heels of my previous drink, but hot and soothing, adding to the warmth inside me from Xander's care and attention.

We sat and drank and ate. I only picked at my food, but we sat for long enough that I finished most of it eventually.

I wanted it to last forever. At least all evening, maybe. Until they kicked us out. I'd been on track for having the worst night in a long, long while. Now, somehow, it was the best.

Just me and Xander having a not-date. Just the two of us. Talking, smiling, laughing. Me being cared about in a way I could never imagine getting from anyone else.

The hard part was knowing how much harder this was going to make any attempt at getting over him. It felt like that was never happening at this rate.

****

"That's amazing," Lily said.

"You think?"

"Yeah! It's like... jeez, I don't know. Like your hero came to your rescue or some shit. I don't know. It's all romantic and stuff."

"It's not, really. He was in the middle of... he was with his girlfriend."