Delicate Petals of Desire

I went in the back door, trying to avoid my parents. I felt like I was 16 again and sneaking in from a night of partying. My mother was sitting at the kitchen table when I walked in, sipping a cup of coffee.

"Where have you been?" she demanded. Yep, just like 16 all over again.

"Sorry, Mom. Kim and I went to the Tavern and crashed at her place when we got back. It was late, and I didn't want to wake you guys up."

"Well, if you're going to stay out all night, please let us know, so we don't worry about you. You're an adult and can do what you want, but we still do worry."

"I know, Mom. I am sorry."

Mom poured me a cup of coffee. "Well, you weren't here when we got home, but I wanted to tell you we ran into Billy Olufson at Millie's."

I perked up at the mention of my high school boyfriend. "You saw Billy?"

"Yes," Mom said with a grin. "He was asking about you. I could tell he was disappointed you didn't come with us." She handed me a slip of paper. "That's his phone number, in case you lost it. He said he'll be in town for three more days and to tell you to please call him."

I waited until just past noon to call his house. His mother answered. When I told her who it was calling, she dropped the phone, and I could hear her yelling in the background, "It's Annie! You better get in here before she runs away."

A minute later, he came to the phone, sounding nervous. "Hello."

"Hey, it's Annie."

"Hey."

It went like that for a few minutes until I asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner. I would be willing to risk food poisoning for a chance to see him again. He accepted and came by to pick me up at 7:00.

Against my better judgment, we went to Millie's. I had fried local catfish with coleslaw and hush puppies. Billy had his favorite, Salisbury steak, with mashed potatoes and brown gravy. We picked up right where we had left off. Billy seemed a little nervous. He kept twisting up straws while we talked.

Billy asked about my relationship status. I told him that I had dated a few guys, but held back from telling him about the Good Doctor. Billy told me that he had gotten very close with one girl in particular, but she wanted to get married, and there was only one girl he wanted to marry.

Me.

That's when I understood why he had been twisting the straws. He knelt next to the table and took my hand. He had forged a make-shift ring of plastic straws spun together.

"Annie," he said, his eyes full of tears, "I've loved you all my life. I don't want to live the rest of it without you. Please, make me the happiest man alive. Will you marry me?"

I was shocked. I had never expected ever to see Billy again, and I sure as Hell wasn't ready to be married to him. I wasn't prepared to be married to anyone. I liked my life. I enjoyed going out with lots of guys. I was even more shocked when I heard myself say, "Yes!"

Billy slid the silly ring on my finger, and I started crying. I threw my arms around him and kissed him hard. All the people around us cheered, and Millie herself came out of the kitchen with a half-smoked cigarette hanging from her bottom lip to congratulate us with a slice of apple pie ala mode.

After dinner, Billy and I went to JC's Tavern to celebrate our engagement. We had just finished dancing and sat back down when Kim walked up. She looked pissed.

"Annie," she said, ignoring Billy. "Where've you been? I thought we were going to hang out."

I blushed. "Oh, Kim," I replied. I didn't know what to say. "Uhh, I ran into Billy." I pointed at him with my free hand. He was holding the other one.

"Hey, Kim," Billy said with a smile.

Kim glared at him then back at me. "I see. I guess you two are back together again."

I blushed brighter. "Yes, we are. Uhh," I hesitated. I knew how much it would hurt Kim to hear what I would tell her. "Kim, Billy and I are engaged."

Kim staggered back as if I had hit her. I saw the pain in her eyes as she stared at me. Slowly, the hurt changed to acceptance, and then she smiled.

"Congratulations, Annie," she said softly. "I'm happy for you. I know this is what you've always wanted."

"Thanks, Kim," I said. I needed to say more, but I couldn't in front of Billy. Kim turned away and started to leave. "Kim!" I called out.

She stopped and looked back at me.

"I'm sorry, Kim," I whispered.

She nodded. "Next time Billy breaks your heart, find me," she said with a sad smile then walked away.

"You know she loves you," Billy said. I stared at him with tears in my eyes.

"I know," I admitted. Billy pulled me to him and kissed me.

Chapter 4

I never went back to Carolina. I transferred to State and lived with Billy as we both finished our degrees. After graduation, we got married. Ten years and two kids later, we were still happily married. Billy got the benefit of my sexual awakening, and we have had an incredible sex life. I taught him how to fuck me the way I like it, and he eats pussy better than anyone.

It was with total irony that Billy and I moved home to Clinton. He took over running the family farm, and I became a teacher and vice-principal at the local high school. The first thing I did when I got home was to walk next door and ask about Kim.

A black woman answered the door. I didn't recognize her at first, but she knew me right away. She was Mrs. Jenkins, my middle-school history teacher, who had inspired me to become a teacher.

"Mrs. Jenkins," I asked with confusion, "why are you here?"

"Honey," she said with a deep southern drawl, "I live here. We bought the house when the bank took it over two years ago."

"What happened? Where's Kim's Momma?"

"She died, honey," Mrs. Jenkins explained. "She got cancer. There was nobody left to take over the house, so the bank foreclosed."

"Nobody left? What do you mean? Why didn't Kim get the house?"

"Annie," Mrs. Jenkins began as she took my hand, "Kim killed herself five years ago. I thought you knew."

I was devastated. I collapsed on the porch. Mrs. Jenkins had to run to my parent's house and get Billy. They got me inside, and Billy helped me to the couch as Mrs. Jenkins brought me a glass of sweet tea.

"Do you know what happened," I asked her as I sipped the tea.

"I don't know the whole story," she said, "but I reckon I know enough. Kim had a hard life, Annie. Her Momma's boyfriends abused her since she was a little girl, her and her brother both. Her Momma was a drunk and a junkie and never did anything to take care of her children. You know Kim's brother was institutionalized and killed himself. I think poor Kim had the same demons in her that her brother had. She got married a couple of times, but that poor girl had bad luck when it came to men. After the last one left her, Kim went into a depression and overdosed on heroin."

I cried all morning. If it hadn't been for Billy and my kids, I don't know what I would have done. After lunch, I felt I needed closure, so I went to the cemetery and said goodbye to Kim.

I felt horrible guilt. What would have happened if I had stayed with Kim the morning after our sexual encounter? Did I play a part in her rotten life and her death? I never knew about the abuse. I had suspected some of it but never knew how bad Kim had things growing up. Kim had never been happy in life. I prayed to God that she was smiling now, in death.

It's funny, but as we get older and grow, the things that we thought were important aren't and things we once hated, we find we love. I hated this town and couldn't wait to get away. However, once I got away, I realized this is where I felt safe and loved, where everyone accepted me for being me.

I think that's all Kim ever wanted, a place where she could be safe and to have someone to love and accept her. I know she wanted that someone to be me and I wish it could have been.

As I lay here now, holding my husband and kids, I can't get my best friend out of my mind. Ironically, the day I found out my best friend killed herself, I also learned that I am pregnant again. If it is a girl, I think I'll name her Kim.