Denial and Acceptance Pt. 07

Part 7. I recommend you read the previous parts.

Dan -

"Hey sis." I said into the phone.

"Uncle Dan, it's Captain!"

I laughed. "Hey Em, how's my little munchkin?"

"I'm good! Uncle Dan, I scored three goals! I'm going to be just like Megan Rapinoe!"

I listened as she explained how she'd scored goals in different games. I had no idea who the teammates were that she was talking about, but she was content to tell her story without enlightening me.

"Are you coming to visit?" She changed the subject without taking a breath. Ah, kids!

"I was thinking so. Would that be ok?"

"Yes!"

"It would be kind of a shorter one, though. Only a week or so."

"Awww."

"Let me talk to your mom."

"Ok!" She let the phone down, but I heard her call out to my sister. "Mom! Uncle Dan's coming to visit!"

After a few seconds, Mackenzie picked up the phone.

"Is that true?" She asked.

"If you're ok with it." I said.

"Of course, Dan. Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, I think so. I just want to talk some more and the project is done."

"We can talk over the phone, Dan. You don't have to spend hundreds to fly here to talk to me."

"I can't hug you or Emily over the phone."

"Ok, fair enough. When will you be here?"

"Uhh, flight gets in at 7."

"In the morning?"

"Yep. Don't worry, I'll get a car again."

"Oh thank god. I only get up before 7 if there's a fire."

"I remember. I'll see you both soon!"

I hung up and finished packing before calling Finn.

"Hey! D-Man! What's up?!"

"Holy shit, Finn, are you drunk?"

"No, but I'm not stopping until I am!" she shouted. I heard cheering in the background. Seemed like a lively crowd.

"Alright Finn. I'm heading out of town for a week. Keep an eye on my place?"

"Drink your scotch?"

"Keep an eye on the place and don't burn it down."

"And drink your scotch."

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. "Yes, Finn, you can drink the scotch."

"Yes!" She shouted in victory.

"You know where everything is and where the key is hidden?"

"Yep."

"Cool, eat the food in the fridge or whatever you want. Just save me some kind of alcohol for when I get back."

"Aye, aye captain!

"And change the sheets if you bring your girlfriend around."

"No more girlfriend." She said, sadly.

"Damn, really? You seemed sure about this one."

"I was sure, she wasn't. Cest la vie!"

I shook my head.

"When are you back?"

"Next Wednesday."

"How's Ake?"

"He's fine. He's in Sweden with his family. Or should be soon."

"Awww, will you be ok without him?"

"That's why I'm going to South Carolina. Emily is an amazing distraction."

"She is at that. When are they coming to visit? I want to see my Em-Monster again!"

"I don't know. I'm going to try to get them a trip booked while I'm there."

"Yeah, do that. And tell your sister I said they HAVE to come."

"I will Finn. See you, and thanks."

"Later D-man!"

The flight to South Carolina was long but uneventful, just like the last one. I ended up splurging on a Mercedes for the rental. Something about those German cars that makes driving so much more enjoyable.

I pulled up to the house around eight in the morning. The door was shoved open and Emily leaped into my arms. I had to ditch my bag in order to catch her, spinning and laughing at her precociousness.

"How come you're back?" She asked. Kids.

"Because I missed you!" I said, laughing.

"Really?"

I nodded. "Honest. I missed you and I missed your mom's cooking."

"And mom." She said, rolling her eyes.

"Yes, and mom."

"Hey Dan." My sister said from the door.

I set Emily down and grabbed my bag. I walked up the few steps and kissed my sister on the cheek before wrapping her in an awkward hug. I threw my things in the guest room and cleaned up in the bathroom before walking out to the dining area where Micky had breakfast waiting.

Sausages, bacon, eggs, fried potatoes, coffee. My mouth was watering when I sat down.

"Smells amazing, 'M'."

"Dig in. I imagine you're hungry since you flew all night."

Emily immediately began telling me about her life since I was here last. I'm not sure how she managed to keep talking even while she chewed, but she seemed to have figured out a way, much to her mother's annoyance.

My sister just rolled her eyes, but let her talk. She knew it wouldn't go on forever and it was best to let Emily's energy run its course.

Finally, after a big breakfast, I sat holding my fourth cup of coffee. I wanted to stay up throughout the day, so I figured I was going to need the caffeine.

"Dad's bike showed up." Mackenzie said, casually.

"What?!" I exclaimed, sitting up.

Micky and I both loved dad's old bike and had been pressuring him to get it out of storage and restored for years. He joked that he was going to let us fight over it when he died, but apparently he'd changed his mind and forgot to tell me.

"You really need to call our parents more often."

"Yeah, well, they should call me too."

"That's why the bike is here instead of in the P-N-W." She said with a smile.

"Actually I told dad to restore it and give it to you." I said with my own smile.

"Really?"

I nodded. "I have three bikes, 'M'. I don't need a fourth. I mean, I'd love to ride it every now and then, but I don't need it."

"Do you want to see it?"

"I'm wondering why we're still sitting here, yes!"

She led me through the back door and into the detached garage. Inside there was just enough room for her little 2-door economy hatchback and the bike.

But what a bike!

It was a 1974 Ducati Sport. A 750cc cafe-style sport bike. It was the reason I started riding motorcycles.

"Jesus, it's beautiful." I whispered. And it was.

Whomever had done the restoration had done an impeccable job. Every detail was perfect. I walked around it a few times before squatting down to get a closer look. I knew every inch of this bike since I crawled all over it when I was a kid.

I looked up at her and Mack was holding a helmet and the key.

"Serious?"

"C'mon Dan. It's been here for three weeks. I've been out plenty. Go ahead."

I didn't hesitate to quickly put on the helmet and key. She opened the door and I backed it out and hopped on. Just like I had so many years ago, I walked through the starting procedure. Fuel on, choke on, clutch in and engine kicked a few times to make sure everything was primed. Key on.

One kick and the motor fired right up.

I looked over at Mackenzie and was sure my smile was as big, if not bigger, than hers. Emily had her fingers in her ears, but was smiling also.

I eased the clutch out and was off for one of the most enjoyable rides I'd been on in some time.

After I got back from the short ride, I went into the house to help clean up after breakfast. Before Emily could drag me off to some project of her own design, Mackenzie gathered us out of the house to run some errands.

One of those stops was for some lotions and face creams, so we decided to wander the mall since it was getting close to lunch.

While following Emily as she investigated every inch of the Lego store, Mackenzie put her arm through mine.

"Your timing is great."

"How's that?" I asked. I kept an eye on Emily to see which sets she picked up so I could make a mental note to get them for Christmas.

"I'm moving."

I leaned away from her to look her in the face. "Already?"

She nodded. "I got a job offer, and it's for a shift manager. The money's right and I'll be closer to family. Seemed like a no-brainer."

"You're moving to Maine?" I asked. Our parents had been living there for the last decade or so. I loved to visit, but I couldn't see myself living in that part of the country.

She shook her head. "Providence Regional, in Everett."

"What?!" I exclaimed, turning a couple heads to look at us.

She nodded, smiling, then laughing at my reaction.

"When?" Was all I could manage.

"I will be in town and settled in time for New Years."

"New Years?"

She nodded.

"Well, I'm thrilled, and honestly Finn will be thrilled as well."

"Finny?!" Emily exclaimed.

I laughed and nodded.

"Did you finally tell him, mom?"

"Yes dear, I did."

"I'm going to be next you!" Emily said before wrapping her arms around my neck.

"You're still an hour or so away, but we'll see each other all the time."

"And Finn?"

"I'll make sure!"

The rest of the day was a whirlwind. I spent more than I should have, especially since my sister was just going to have to move everything I bought across country. We had lunch in the food court, then finally made our way home.

I did end up taking a nap for a couple hours downstairs on the couch. I'm just not quite as young as I used to be and the long flight finally caught up with me.

That night I was treated to an excellent homemade lasagna, salad and a good local bourbon.

Once Emily was finally asleep, we both went downstairs.

"So, what is it this time?"

"Jesus, you don't wait a minute do you?"

"I waited over twelve hours, so don't give me that shit."

I sighed. "It's sort of Ake, still."

"What about Ake?"

As much as I knew my sister wouldn't care, it was still difficult for me to say it out loud. "We...well, we're kind of seeing each other."

"We'll chalk that up to some incredible big sister advice." She said, smiling.

"Tell yourself whatever you want."

She punched my arm.

"So what's left to talk about?" She asked.

"I practiced this."

She just arched an eyebrow.

"Shut up. I mean, I've been trying to figure out how to say it."

She waited, patiently.

I explained how it seemed like I still couldn't accept a relationship with Ake because he was a guy. But whenever he dressed more feminine, I found him almost irresistible. I talked about some of the things we'd discussed the last time I was there.

"Jesus christ, Dan." She said when I'd finally finished.

I'll admit, that's not what I expected. "What?"

"Gay. Bi. Who gives a shit?"

"What?"

"You're hung up on Ake being a guy, so your little pea brain is trying to deal with you being in love with a guy. Right?"

"I guess."

"You don't guess, you know. You know you love him, right?"

I nodded.

"Then what's the fucking problem?"

"I guess it's just tougher to deprogram than I thought."

"No, it really isn't. The fact is, you're afraid of something. Something's making it so you're unable to accept the fact that you like smoking pole."

"Jesus, Micky."

"You don't come here to be coddled, 'D'."

I sighed. "No, you're right."

"Then what is it?"

"What is what?"

"What is it you're afraid of?"

I sighed. "I don't want to be gay."

"All this time and you're still wrapped up about that?"

"I guess."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, 'why'?"

"Why do you care about being gay. Is it a masculine thing? Are you worried about how mom and dad will react? What your teammates think?"

I thought about it for awhile before finally shaking my head. "No, I guess not. Mom and dad won't care, and the only person I really care about on the soccer field is Finn and she already knows."

"Are you suddenly deciding you'd look good in pink, or sparkles? Do you randomly find yourself singing, 'It's Raining Men' in the shower?"

"No, of course not."

"Then what difference does it make whether or not you're gay? What's changed besides the fact that you like someone who just happens to not be a woman?"

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on the couch. "Nothing."

"Nothing?" She asked.

"Absolutely nothing."

"So help me understand, Dan. You love Ake and you don't have any reason to be concerned about being gay. Where's the struggle?"

"I honestly don't know, sis."

She stood and patted my knee as she walked back upstairs to go to bed.

I leaned forward and put my face in my hands. I honestly couldn't believe I'd been so stupid about all of it. I knew I wouldn't be completely free of doubts, but Ake was worth working through those.

The rest of the week was spent talking about the job and the upcoming move. Emily was sad she'd be leaving her friends, but was excited that she'd be living so much closer to me. To be honest, I was really looking forward to having more family close to me.

Mackenzie and I talked a lot that week. She talked about her realization she was gay with me again. She had a couple difficult encounters with bigoted people, but she said for the most part, no one cared, even down there in a somewhat conservative state.

I also spent a lot of time helping her pack. Doing some quick math in my head, she'd be in Washington within two weeks.

By the time I was dropping the car off at the rental agency, I was content with the idea of a relationship with Ake.

Honestly, part of me wondered why I seemed to have such difficulty for so long. Not that there was anything I could do about it, now. And, while I could recognize that our hangups aren't always based on anything rational, I was pleased that just getting some perspective seemed to help so much.

I was anxious to get home. Thankfully I'd upgraded the flight home so I could sleep more comfortably.

Finn actually gave me a hug when I walked out of the airport this time. I crooked an eyebrow at her, but decided not to mention it. I had a feeling she was probably being nice since I was likely out of scotch.

"How was the visit?" she asked.

"It was great, as they all are. Just too short."

"Your project's done. You could have stay...oh, well, I guess Ake is here."

"Ha. Ha. You're not nearly as funny as you think, Finn."

"Yeah well, looks aren't everything."

"Hey, I need your help moving in a couple weeks."

Finn choked. "You're giving up that property? And leaving?"

"Not exactly."

"Then why would you need help moving?"

"Well, technically it's not for me, but Mackenzie and Emily are moving to Everett."

I walked past a shocked Finn and hopped into the passenger seat, closing the door. After a few seconds, Finn opened her door and flopped into the driver's seat. She turned her body toward me and just stared. I ignored her as long as I could before I laughed.

"She accepted a job as a shift manager at the hospital there."

Finn clapped and did a little dance in her seat. I mean, I loved my sister and niece, but Finn seemed to also have a special connection to them.

"That's...amazing, Dan." She said, settling down and just staring out the windshield. Eventually she put the car in drive and took me home. I walked inside and Finn followed me. She peppered me with questions and I held up my hand to forestall anymore.

"I'm tired and have had to piss since I walked out of the airport. If you want anymore details, just call Mack. You know they'd both love to hear from you, anyway."

She smiled and blushed slightly, though I couldn't imagine why. I'd caught her doing much dumber stuff than figuring a simple solution like that. Just before I walked into the bathroom, I heard Finn's voice in my kitchen.

"Hey, you bitch, what's this about you moving across country and I have to hear it from your stupid brother?!"

I shook my head and took care of my bladder. I heard her still talking, so I unpacked before walking into the living room. I noticed my bottles of scotch seemed suspiciously full. I figured Finn would have drank them all. I grabbed a bottle and gestured at Fin when she looked at me. She gave me a thumbs up, so I filled two glasses.

"Ok! Ok! Yes, two weeks! I will absolutely be there to help! I can't wait to see you both!"

She hung up and clutched the phone to her chest and a very big smile. I couldn't help but laugh. She blushed again and tucked her phone in her back pocket before taking the glass from me.

"Cheers, Finn. Thanks for saving me some scotch."

"Cheers, Brick."

We talked for awhile about the visit, though soon enough she had me talking about Ake again.

"So he'll be home soon." she said.

I nodded. "Two days."

She smiled. "You going to pick him up from the airport?"

"I'd like to, but I think he already made arrangements with Katie or her wife."

"You don't have their number?"

I shook my head.

"But you have the number to their office." She said as she tossed the Performance Physical Therapy business card across the counter.

I looked at the card, then at her. I took a drink of scotch and pulled out my phone.

"You're a goddamn genius."

She just smiled and sipped her scotch.

"Performance Physical Therapy!"

"Uhh, hi, is this Katie?"

"Yes, may I help you?"

"Hi, Katie, this is Dan Smith, I don't know if you remember me."

"Of course, how are you Mr. Smith?"

I smiled, "Dan, please. And I'm doing very well."

"So I hear."

I coughed. "Yes, well. I was wondering if you were going to be picking Ake up from the airport?"

"We'd planned on it, but if you'd like to instead, I'd appreciate it. It's a late arrival and we love our beauty sleep!"

"Yes, please. I'd like to surprise him."

"Then by all means, and thank you!"

She gave me the details before I hung up and I took another drink of scotch. Finn and I talked about my visit with Mack and Emily. We made rough plans for getting down to Everett to help them move into whatever house Mack would find. Somehow those plans included me buying her breakfast.

Ake -

I loved being home with my family. Every time I'm home I feel rejuvinated. As much as I love it, though, my heart belongs to where I live. Especially now.

My sister pestered me about Dan when I first told them about him, but I had been putting them off since I wasn't sure it would end up being anything real.

I was leaving the following afternoon, and she'd finally gotten me alone at a cafe.

"So, tell me about him."

I took a sip of my tea and smiled at the memories it brought back. I went to college just around the corner and had come to this cafe to study many times throughout those years.

"Who?"

"Don't be a brat. Tell me about Dan."

I stalled because I wasn't sure what I was going to say. Finally, I just started at the beginning. I told her how he was my patient, then we slowly started running into each other outside the office. I skipped over some things, but ended up telling her I'd stayed the night a few times before I'd come home.

"It sounds serious."

I shrugged.

"Why the shrug? Is it not serious?"

"It's a little more complicated than that."

"So explain."

My sister was always like this, pragmatic to a fault. It came from a place of love, and I'd dealt with it since I was a kid, so I was used to it.

I wasn't sure how much to say, so I talked about how he was straight, even married at one point. That our relationship started slow, catching us both off guard.

"Well that's a lie."

"What?" I ask.

"Ake, I know you. You fell in love with him when he first walked into your office, didn't you?" She was smiling and I blushed.

"Well, maybe not love." I admitted.

I continued telling her about the last couple weeks, about how we were spending a lot of time together. I struggled to find a way to talk about the lack of intimacy, so I just avoided it.

"He seems to be interested, then aloof. I finally sat him down and talked to him about it and he admitted he was struggling with the idea of dating a man."

"That sounds a little complicated."

I rolled my eyes, but didn't say anything.

"So what now?" She asked.

I shrugged again. "I guess it's up to him. I mean, I guess technically it's up to me, but I'm not willing to live as his dirty little secret."

"I don't blame you. You did enough of that when you were young."

"I wasn't the only one."

"That was once."

"He was married!" I whispered.

She just laughed. "Yes, but he was cute. And it only lasted two weeks."

We told more stories and laughed. I was hopeful about seeing Dan again, but I couldn't help but be scared he'd decide he couldn't handle it.