All Comments on 'Desperate Exchange'

You're all over the place. Too much unrelated background information. There's a plot in there, but it's lost. Credibility, too... screwing four or five times a day, 120-150 times a month and she cheats, too? Dialogue, when it happens is also all over the place. Edit aggressively, let loose the story.

Quite a long story to have a non confrontation.

Somehow it simply wasn’t a compelling story. No real tension, just the guy yammering on. Nothing felt real, and it is hard to invest in characters where they don’t resonate with the reader.

This is somewhere between dumpster fire and hot mess…there’s no continuity at all, or it was dropped in editing. Certainly not as good as other offerings from this author.

I have a suggestion for your next effort. Make up an outline as to the sequence of events. Before the outline decide where you want to end. Your story is difficult to follow. Shame it has potential.

I tried, but this was all over the place.

The back and forth time jumps made the story needlessly hard to follow, and there was so much totally irrelevant details in there that had no bearing on the ending.

This was your most incoherent story to date.

Reading this was like sitting at a bar listening to some drunk tell a story and wishing he'd just get to the damn point.

Sorry way to wordy for the actual amount of story.

Too Long, No confrontation,

Nothing new, No real drama or Tension

what others have said... you're all over the place. You have some potential but you need to try to focus on brevity and sticking to one story line. For example, not sure how a guy who has slept with many married women can be upset when his wife cheats. Completely hypocritical and made me not care that she had another man in their bed. He was just as bad as her. His generosity was too far over the top, dial it back a bit. A good story has to be close to believable, this one was not.

Usually your stories are quite good and flow. This one just seemed to discombobulated causing the flow to be out of wack.

With that being said it does have its merits.

Keep Writing

JH4Fun

I only gave 3 stars as the continuity and flow of this story was terrible. Story could have been amazing but execution was lacking. It was like the story hopscotched all over the place.

I enjoyed the story for the first bit, but it became so disjointed and filled with back information that was unnecessary that it ended up being a hard read.

It almost seems like two different stories were pasted together.

Lots and lots of words. Spelled correctly and used in the proper context too. Unfortunately they conveyed nothing worthwhile. The protagonist repeatedly asserting his love for the cheating whore got overly tiring. The fact that he was an asshole fucking some other guys wife, probably impregnating her and having the guy raising his bastard made him very unlikable.

There is a good story...somewhere...in this pile of words. Your 'side quests' distracted from the main story and didn't really add much usable information in the telling. The plot line also seemed to bounce about more than necessary, it was a little confusing. Lastly the accomplishments of the main character are a bit unbelievable. He seems to be a kit bashed character made from all the childhood heros you ever heard of. Everything he does is 'more', 'better', 'richer'. He exceeds the bell curve of every trait or attribute known to mortal man. This makes him unbelievable. Just knocking his physical prowess down a couple of notches would help improve believability of the story. A good editor would trim this fat lazy dog down into a trim hunter.

Do you even read and edit? You have so many factual mistakes (e.g. her father insisted on the prenup at one point and then it’s his brother). This is just a jumbled mess of doggy doodoo

You have given us some good stuff. This is not. My recommendation is to pull it and re write it ; or shit can it, chase your muse down and beat him or her into submission, and start over.

Trying to follow all that made me feel like I had drank 6 red bulls. Jesus. Get it together.

Someone give CrazyDave some ADD medication. Lol. Your story has potential but needs focus. The outline idea below is a good one.

That was hard work

Still crazy after all these years.

Has a massive amount of potential but it's definitely like having a conversation with someone with ADD. It was abit too all over the place.

When your writing, whatever your smoking. STOP. Everyone else has said it already regarding how messy this story is.

Reminds me of the episode of Friends where Rachel makes a trifle with mince beef, peas and carrots. Somehow a think a few pages have got stuck together with this one. Not very readable and that’s being generous

3 for the effort, but the story was all over the place. Probably could have been told with 40% fewer words.

I love your stories but this one just didn’t do it for me. Too disjointed for my tast.

Better luck next story mate

3/5

not your best, Crazy Dave! Way too too long and not well organized. Take your meds before you write your next story.

I jumped ahead from the second page to the end, to write this: TOO MANY Exclamation Points!!!

I agree with joeyiluv69! Jesus, that story was hard to follow. Could have been sequenced much better.

Well it took a lot of willpower but I made it all the way through the second page before giving up and heading here to give it one star. It’s all over the map, nonsensical. The comments about ADD were spot on.

What happens while watching late night skinemax on the TV, pron on the ipad, and trying to write a story on the computer while jerking off at the same time? Give your nuts a rest and focus, man.

Really awful

Very disjointed writing. Not one of your better works.

Wow! Yes, the MC is a lovable fucking idiot but come on! The 6 red bulls comment was most accurate.

Have to agree with some others - pretty good, tight story until the latter third. Then shit went crazy and I struggled to follow the key plot points. 4*

Lol. What the hell did I just waste 10 minutes on? Was this some kind of chain story between you and the rest of your D&D club? This has to be the most infantile, incoherent mess I've ever read.

To be fair, I have read recaps of sporting events that jumped around as much as this, but they generally don’t last five pages.

So if you ever give up on erotica, ESPN might be a temporary landing spot. Just in case.

But you know that. Thanks for the effort.

Really difficult to follow and far too long. One star from me.

I agree with most it had depth but was so random, plus there's the copyright issue, a very big one as well, surprised site never picked up on it.

The part about building companies using students and making large donations comes from a film, and a previous story written by another disappointed you tried to use other writers and films to make your story

Mr Impossiblefuture, I can assure you that in no way did I use someone else's material in this or any other story. If I echoed the call for interns to be paid a living wage, or that companies can help aspiring students with charitable gifts, then I am HAPPY about that. Perhaps on line learning will help with what has become an economic disaster for those seeking a college degree. In my own ham-fisted way, I tried to point this out in the story. This entire issue was only a sidebar to the thrust of the story, his cheating wife trading him in, and the main character doing the same with her. I normally write about 80 to 90% satire, so in this particular story, I tried to actually do some character development and I had a novel way to catch a hypochondriac cheater, by way of the medicine cabinet. For this I have been roundly criticized. Hey, gotta try to stretch yourself as a writer. BTW, I stopped going to the movies years ago when they got crazy expensive, plus every single thing is on my doctor's list of things I am not allowed to eat! The last movie I actually liked was Godfather 3, although it was not nearly as good as GF1 or GF2.

I got lost reading this. So the guy that had all the med bottles at Mark's home died or what??? He seemed like he was supposed to be the main adversary but then the story flipped to long before and the dude married to Marion became the bad guy??? What about the hypnotizing??? What happened to the Weasel??? Why would Mark take Marion back after catching her in his bed with Weasel when he had Marion ready for him??? The timeline of this story was all messed up and it jumped around too much. I thought Michelle's dad made them sign a pre-nup then you said the brother lawyer wrote one up???

What is all of this with Mark being the "hero" of the college and community with all of this money??? How did his "little" business turn into having 700 employees??? How did he manage that AND run his dead parent's business??? How did he get an MBA going part-time nights??? I have a zillion other questions but my head is throbbing from thinking of all of them.

I usually enjoy more of your stories than not but this was just a complete mess.

Extremely repetitive and overly descriptive of Marion's ass. Not ready for prime time story telling.

Eh, definitely not your best work.

LOL what was this story about. Out of site out of mind a real twilight zone tale. Crazy 😝 but different. A self made man loved a whore and forgave her for a long time. Marries Marion who he lets slip by for a while and gives her 5 babies and is chasing her for more. Just what we need a crazy tale from outer space .

Reading this was like trying to pin Jello to the wall. Confusing and pointless.

I fell in love with a girl once, but she was trouble.

I was making lunch, and really wanted a meatball sub. I started making these meatballs that were incredibly savory, with a sweet tomato sauce.

My parents helped me buy my first vehicle. It was a used farm truck. It barely worked, but it got me where I needed to go.

And so I ended the relationship with the cheater, and married my former student.

If you didn't understand that, you now know how we feel after reading this story.

Please use an editor. There's a good story in there somewhere.

I was like ... where did the story go that I was reading? The back story is the story? I kept looking to get back to the story

Go, Dave!

4

I usually love your work, but this bounced around too much, and had too much fluff and bubbles for my liking .

3 stars.

Keep on writing, I'm sure the next will get you 5 stars from me.

Love the story. AAAAAA++++++

Something went wrong with the timelines. I got lost. Mark did not have the high ground. He had sex with several married women maybe even got one pregnant. He deserved to be cheated on. Karma.

This thing was all over the place, constantly repeating, a disorganized mess. I have to believe the wrong version was posted.

Dave is definitely an acquired taste. I kind of enjoyed this one.

Had nice elements. But this was an erratic and offputting muddle!

I got lost in the time lines and in who Marion was... Still a nice fable but with some better editing it would be a 5*. And for such a good businessman he sure lets his dick lead him, putting in all the hours does not mean success.

\

3.4***, hooyah

A crazy trucker with a wicked sense of humor. 5

One of your better ones I am working my way thru all of your stories Some are good some are GREAT and some (sorry) are fkn awful Keep up the good ones (jaybee186)

Coulda been a fun story as most if yours are, but the timelines are way too confusing to follow.

It was way too confusing. Everything got jumbled up with how great the main character was. And we never knew a reason why for any thing especially the guy whose name is on the prescriptions. No karma for anyone.

Why is it that all your characters are as stupid as a bread?

the story wasnt bad but WAY too much filler in the middle. all that crap about the company was not needed for the plot of the story. this could have easily been a two page story.

sentence structure seems to short and abrupt? short choppy sentences? slow down, maybe. only real quibble to this story was his getting a lesson in cheating and then marrying her 7 yrs later. date, friends wif benefits but no marriage. she can learn from hi scrool choicves but the deep inner slut and cunt were revealed then and wont change.

Yup, story lost me...the jumping around confused me.