Dindi Pt. 05

I left, deciding to walk all the way home, taking the time to think. Doing my best not to go mad or do something stupid. Once again I had ruined the best thing I had in my life. Hurt someone I loved. At least this time I still had a chance to put things to rights. Now I just had to figure out how I would do it. Because I would never forgive myself if I lost her.

****

MORENA

He called me a million times. Then he called George, then he tried me again. I wasn't ready to hear his voice. It was childish, I knew that. But just thinking of him made it hard to breath. Listening to his voice, to him saying I'm sorry would be too much.

Where I had the good timing of arriving exactly the minute Anissa's mouth was on his, Carla had seen the whole thing. She'd told George how Anissa had forced Travis's hand, thrown herself at him, making it impossible for him to avoid her without being physically violent.

That inner voice kept telling me that explanation made sense. He didn't mean to hurt you. I ignored that voice, though. I thought it was the unwiser part of me. That impulsive part that wanted me to forgive and forget and run back to him. I was too proud for that however right the voice was. He hadn't hurt me. Actually, he had. Just not on purpose. It wasn't his fault. It hurt all the same.

After years of keeping myself safe and secure, avoiding any man who tried to get too close, I had opened a door for Travis on his request. Now here I was. Hurt again. Incapable of trusting, of allowing myself to feel, proving James right.

"You don't know how to feel things properly." He'd said.

I was feeling pain, alright.

Travis was dangerously close to showing me just how wrong James had been. Because I caught myself thinking about him when I thought my mind was blank. When it came to spending time with George or him, I surprised myself choosing the latter over my best friend most times.

I was falling in love with him. No. What the fuck was I lying for? I had already fallen. Seemed as, the harder I tried not to, the more I fell for him. He'd been lovely. Wonderful, even. The sex was the most incredible connection I've ever felt in life. I was afraid I might never be that in sync with any man ever again. He made me laugh, made me feel special, happy. Needed. Most importantly he made me feel. I spent years avoiding the things he incited me to feel, and after three months with him I was head over heels.

"Where do I meet you, Mo?" Gee asked.

I taught at a fancy gallery, so I wasn't bound to the usual school breaks. I'd worked all through Summer. Now I had two weeks to rest before the Autumn courses started. Gee hadn't been home in years, I missed my mom like crazy. Travelling home was undisputedly the best alternative for me to spend my holiday. Conveniently, home also happened to be an ocean away from Travis.

"I'll meet you at the airport." I told Gee.

I was going to Travis's loft. After three weeks without seeing him, ignoring his calls, and trying not to think of him while failing beautifully at it, I had finally called him to arrange a time for us to have an honest talk.

In fact, I only wanted to say what I had to, then be done with it. I planned on staying as little as possible. I knew myself well enough to admit that if I stayed close to him for too long I might lose my courage and end up right where I've been the last three months. Naked in his bed.

George and I shared a cab. I got out in Brooklyn, near Travis's street, and he continued to the airport.

"You have two hours, Mo." He said, as a warning.

"I won't need two hours."

****

Travis had given me a key a couple of months ago. I chose not to use it. Too much familiarity in it. Instead, I pressed the intercom button with his name scribbled under it, and he let me up. When the old freight elevator stopped at his loft he was already there, leaning against the back of his sofa, waiting for me. He looked shit. Just as I did. Thanks to Gee though, and for my pride's sake, I had tried my best to look as composed as it was possible considering I was crumbling down inside.

I hadn't shed a tear this entire week. I felt like I deserved a sobriety chip for that. George made sure I ate well and had all proper meals. He also tried to make sure I slept. But when he himself had fallen asleep, I lay awake, staring at the ceiling until tiredness got the best of me. Most of the time I just pretended to be getting better so he wouldn't worry and cancel his dates with Lance just to babysit me.

But Travis looked bad. Even in worst shape than I. His beard wasn't perfect trimmed as usual. It was a tad too long, too bushy. His hair was disheveled, tangled in its usual bun. He seemed to be a few shades paler, too. Two purple semi circles stained the skin under his eyes. Even so, he still looked impossibly handsome, making me feel that warmth in my belly that moved down, in between my legs.

"Hello, Travis." I said, ignoring the lump lodging itself in my throat.

He smiled sadly. "Di-" He clamped his mouth shut before the word was fully formed. I was silently thankful. I didn't think I could bear him calling me Dindi.

"Morena." He said instead.

I didn't know what to say back. I just stood there in front of him, awkwardly shifting my weight from foot to foot as if I've never set foot in this place before. As if I had never spent the better part of the last three months in his bed allowing him to touch every inch of me.

"Would you like to sit?" He broke the silence, sounding too formal for a man who knew every sound and face I made when he made me come.

"No." I refused his offer. I didn't intend to stay that long. "I can't stay much. I have somewhere to be."

I felt strangely out of place. All of my nerve was deserting me. Everything I had to say was already planned, rehearsed. Now, that I was standing in front of him, I didn't feel so brave anymore. I trapped a loose curl behind my ear, and saw when the corner of Travis's mouth quirked up. It was a nervous tick, one he knew well.

"Morena, that night-" He began.

That night. Of course he wanted to explain himself. What could he possibly say that I didn't already know?

"I know, Travis." I didn't want him to speak about that. As long as he didn't say the words I could go on pretending I was fine. "George told me what really happened." That was probably the only reason why I hadn't lost my mind.

He simply nodded, ready to try and speak again. Hearing him say I'm sorry would make me crumble. He would mean it, I knew he really was sorry. That wouldn't change the fact I had a hole in my chest that was slowly eating me away.

"Travis." I began, to prevent him from speaking. He leveled his blue eyes with mine. They seemed to be bluer, contrasting even more with the unnatural paleness of his skin. "I really like you. I like you more than it's wise to like you. We've had a wonderful time together. I wouldn't change it for the world. You have no idea what you've done for me. I can never thank you enough for making me feel again." In my mind, I sounded much more confident saying those practiced words.

He chuckled a bitter, quiet sound. "But?"

"But I won't fight your ex-girlfriends over you. I won't accept your mother's prejudices. We might not have an actual relationship, but we were in a relationship of sorts. Whatever it was, I'm afraid it went somewhere I can't follow."

You like him a lot? What a load of rubbish, Morena.

If I had the guts to be honest I would've said I'm too much of a coward to give him another chance. Travis knew that as well as I. What he didn't know was how tarnished he was to me. Every time I looked at him I saw her kissing those lips I loved so much.

It was like being on a rollercoaster. Racist, bitchy mother then crazy, mean, sexy ex the next turn. It all made me dizzy.

Travis just shook his head as if I'd just said the stupidest thing ever, and straightened himself. With the first advance he made towards me, I widened the distance between us, stepping back. He noticed it, but didn't stop. He kept coming at me until his arms were around me. Wearing heels I was tall enough to rest my chin on his shoulders. The scent of fabric softener on his shirt assaulted my nose.

"Don't do this, please." He said on my hair, holding me so tightly I gasped. I wanted to push him away, except I didn't have the strength to do it. Instead I turned my face into his neck and kissed the skin there. "I can fix this if you let me."

"Listen to me, Travis." I tried to pull away to look at him, but he fought back. "You're a wonderful man. You really are. And you must allow yourself to continue to be." He had a bad opinion of himself. I couldn't understand why he didn't see how fantastic a person he was. "You were already this great when I met you. It doesn't matter what Max says or thinks, or what your mother's misguided conceptions are. It doesn't matter what people say about you. You're lovely. The only problem with you is that you are the only person who doesn't know that. Believe me, please, Travis. You are the sweetest man I've ever met." For some reason I felt it was necessary to say that. Perhaps I was trying to compensate for something.

For not giving him a chance, Morena. For that. That annoying voice in my head said.

"You sound like you're saying goodbye." He said, still hugging me.

"I am. For now."

Travis tensed, the muscles of his arms stiffened around me. "What do you mean?" He asked, pulling away.

His expression was confused. A frown found its way in between his blond brows, crinkling the skin there.

"I'm going home for a couple of weeks." I tried to avoid sounding apologetic, but didn't succeed.

"What?" He cocked his head to the side eying me through narrowed eyes. "Morena, you can't leave now. We need to fix this. We need to talk."

"We are talking, Travis." I said, straightening my posture. That mask of coolness I'd been wearing since I arrived fell off.

What did he think we were going to achieve here? Did he think we would have this talk, then I would be back in his bed? Just like that? Everything would be fine and perfect because he'd say the magical words?

"No. You are talking." He pointed one long finger at me.

My first instinct was to argue with him, but he was right. I didn't give him a chance to speak. It was only fair he say what he needed, even if I already knew what that would be.

I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

It wasn't my fault.

I would never hurt you.

"If you have anything to say I'm listening, but be quick, please. My plane leaves in a few hours." Cowardly, I didn't look at him when I spoke.

"You're leaving today?" His tone was pure disbelief.

I still didn't look at him when I answered with a simple "Yes."

The sound of Travis's laugh forced me to look at him. It was a cold, sharp sound that made the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

"You'll leave me now afraid to love me back?" It was an accusation.

I scoffed.

How could he be so damn self righteous?

"I'm not leaving you. Don't be so self absorbed, Travis." I lied. Of course he was the reason I had chosen this specific moment to visit my mother. "Not everything I do is about you. I've got a life of my own, you know. I've got a family, a job. You're not the only one I-"

"Don't be coy, Morena. It doesn't suit you. Can you at least admit to yourself you're in love with me, too?" He snapped, interrupting me.

In love with me, too.

Insecurity and a bit of immaturity as well, made me want to ask When did you ever tell me you loved me? I refrained from making such a fool of myself, though. I knew better. I knew he loved me. He'd made me feel it. I didn't need words.

Wasn't it all too fast? Way too fast?

Not only did I know he loved me, I knew I was in love with him, too. But if I didn't admit it before, I wasn't going to do it now. It would only give him fuel to try and make me stay. If he did try it, he'd have good chances to succeed. My determination was as thin as veil around him. All I wanted was for him to let me go. So I made the stupid, selfish choice to be cruel.

"In love with you, too? What do you know of being in love, Travis?! I spent seven years of my life being in love with the same person." I started crying, attacking him with words. Whatever dignity I'd been faking, vanished. "I have been in a relationship before. I was engaged while you slept your way through NY! While you were fucking Annisa, and god knows who else, I was busy being an actual adult!"

My words were bitter, meant to be hurtful. Travis stood before me listening to every word, taking them in as if he deserved them when he didn't. He didn't.

I was breathless, angry, feeling a sudden deep despise for myself when Travis closed the gap between and kissed me. Completely unexpectedly. At first, I struggled with him, hitting my fists on his chest, until he twisted my arms and held them firmly behind my back. Then I gave in to him, just as I always did whenever he touched me. My body betrayed me, finding the places in his where they fitted together. He forced my mouth to open with his tongue, pushing it inside, only to find my own tongue eager to meet his. Travis sensed my body relaxing as I surrendered myself into his kiss.

I still wanted him. So much it ached.

My skin, my hands, my lips wanted to feel him. They responded only to that attraction that had no ties to logic. It was biology. Instinct. Lust.

My head, though, the one I listened to, the one that governed all of me, would never let my body have Travis for its pleasure alone. It pondered the consequences of impulsivity and stopped me on my tracks on the road to regret. My brain screamed at me: No. No. No. You can't.

Travis's grip on my wrist loosened, and I took that chance to escape his kiss. When he didn't let me I fought harder. My palm went flat against his cheek and it left a tingling, burning sensation on my flesh. Travis winced, stumbling back. I regretted it instantly. My body shook from head to toe as tears fell down my cheeks.

"God, I'm sorry." I wiped away the tears on my eyes with shaky hands and turned my back to leave. I was making a perfect mess of things. We would never get anywhere if I kept on behaving this way. "I'm sorry, Travis. This isn't-" He grabbed my arm, whirling me around to face him.

There was a perfect red print of my hand on his left cheek. I got the crazy urge to kiss it.

"Morena, please. Don't go, yet. Just listen to me." He asked me so tenderly, completely ignoring the fact I had just hit him.

I looked at him puzzled. Considering the way I was behaving, I expected him to throw me out. I certainly deserved it. Why did he have to be so lovely?

Totally bewildered, I nodded. Of course I'd listen to him. I owned him that, at least.

"That day with Anissa." I couldn't help but flinch when he said her name. The sound bringing back to me the image of her lips on his. "She just threw herself at me, Morena. I pushed her away immediately. She came out of nowhere, what the fuck could I have done? Hit her? I swear to you I didn't encourage her in any way. Please, you have to believe me. I would never hurt you."

I looked down at my feet, still crying, clenching my fists at my sides. I believed him. Not only because I had already heard the truth from someone else, but because he sounded so desperately sincere. Most of all, I wanted with every inch of my body to believe him.

That bitterness was there, though. Showing its face from behind my wall. I couldn't help the feeling of betrayal and deceit that clawed its way up my throat. It was all made worse by the fact that I was totally, completely and irrefutably in love with Travis. Yet, every time I looked at his lips, I saw her lipstick maculating them. What really fucked me up, though, was the fact that I wanted to kiss him even so.

He had promised me he wouldn't hurt me. He promised after I told him about James. About how that experienced had ruined me. Broken me.

This thing with Travis hurt way more than James's refusal of me, though. That cut had been made on clear skin. Travis had reopened an already aching wound.

"I know, Travis. I believe you." I whispered, glancing sideways, to where his bedroom door was. To the place where he'd had me so many times over the last months.

Relief washed over him, relaxing the worried creases on his face. He smiled the first genuinely happy smile since I arrived. My answer gave him courage to touch me again. This time I didn't let him, though.

"It's just that..." I said, evading his touch. "Whether you meant to hurt me or not, you did it. I know you didn't purposely do it. I know it wasn't your fault, but you did it, anyway. I look at you and I feel it. It hurts too much. I can't bear to be hurt anymore, Travis. I just can't. I'm sorry. I'm not that strong. I look at you and I see that woman all over you. I can't even-" I choked on my own words.

It was cowardice in its purest form. Fear. The result of one single bad experience that I was allowing to control my whole life. I saw pain flash across Travis's blue eyes. I wasn't fair to him. He was paying for James's mistakes and my weaknesses. I understood what had happened. I could forgive him for that. What I couldn't do was stop myself from feeling so hurt.

"I'm not him, Morena." He said, not for the first time. It was like he read my mind. "I am in love with you. I love you and I want to be with you." He said softly.

I love you.

Did he really say that? Out loud?

My heart fluttered in my chest. He loved me. He'd said it. My response to his confession was to cry even more.

I didn't deserve this. How could he love me? Someone who couldn't even give him the benefit of the doubt? Who didn't grant him the trust the deserved?

But did he deserve it? Did I?

The duality of it all was driving me insane.

I could forgive it all, be with him, ignore the fact this pain he'd caused in me (even if it was unintended) was making me miserable. However, I couldn't run from my past. It was always on my back. It had made me who I was. I had trust issues and Travis had shattered the trust I had on him.

On the other hand, he didn't chose to break my trust. He didn't do it. He was made to do it. He was almost blameless in it all. His only blame perhaps, was being too irresistible. Or maybe it wasn't even about him. I had messed with Anissa, humiliated her. She, in turn, had taken her revenge on me by throwing herself at Travis. Still, not even she could have planned it so perfectly that I'd arrive exactly when she was giving him a kiss that lasted less than 5 seconds. Also, she couldn't have know that would be the most efficient way to hurt me; by making me feel like I wasn't enough for him so that he'd feel the need to go out there and get more.

"You don't love me, Morena. You don't know the right way to love somebody." Those old words echoed in my head.

How could Travis love somebody who couldn't even say it back? He deserved better. What would happen when he actually did something he deserved to be blamed for if I couldn't even forgive him for something he didn't purposely do? He should just let me go. I wasn't what he needed. To achieve that, I said things I didn't mean for the second time.

"You just bumped into my life without any thought, Travis. Only three months aren't enough for people to-"

"Oh, they were enough. They were enough for me." He interrupted me with a dark, scary laugh crawling up his throat. "Don't be ridiculous, Morena. I know you. I know you're a crappy liar. The time we had affected you the same way it did me. Don't say it didn't."