Discord in the Rhythm of Marriage

Ironically Neil Diamond's Cracklin' Rose began playing. I thought how appropriate as I too relied only on some "store bought ladies" to keep me company tonight. I felt warm and relaxed but the hurt, betrayal and anger I felt toward Mandy didn't leave. I couldn't soothe the savage breast with music, I couldn't drown the anger and pain of betrayal in beer or booze and I couldn't soak away the heartache in a Jacuzzi.

Before long I realized that I had drank six beers and half a bottle. Stupidly, I drank all of it while in a hot tub and soon I felt lightheaded and I passed out as I tried to get out of the tub. I slipped beneath the water and was, actually drowning. As my life ebbed away, someone tugged at me and I was pulled up from the water. I vaguely remembered hearing a woman's screams and soon there was others that pulled me out of the tub and gave me CPR.

At the time it seemed as if I was floating outside my body observing what was happening but it was dreamlike. I know it's strange and unbelievable but for me reality was suspended, it happened to me yet it didn't. I thought that I saw Mandy in the room sobbing as the EMT's worked to clear my lungs and reestablish a heartbeat in my body.

My heart was shocked into sinus rhythm with a portable defibrillator before I was placed on a gurney, loaded into an ambulance and taken to a nearby hospital where I was admitted into the E.D. I woke up groggy. My throat was sore and my stomach hurt. I also had one hell of a headache. There were lights blinking and beeping of machines and I had IV tubes in my right hand.

I looked around the room and on one of those plastic covered hospital chairs that recline was a sleeping form of a woman. It was Mandy. I thought what was she doing here? I remembered the circumstances that led to me being in a hospital prior to slipping beneath the water in the tub which I learned later that is what happened to me. I thought "I don't want her here."

It became a moot point once I was awake and semi-coherent because I had been admitted with a 72-hour mandatory hold for a psych evaluation because they believed that I had tried to commit suicide. I told the doctor the whole sordid story of the events that led to my drinking so heavily and I was finally able to convince the psychiatrist that a foolish accident was all it was and that I would never leave my children without a parent.

The doctor explained that there were several factors that most likely led to my passing out. He said that I was most likely exhausted from a long week and day at work. I came home to an extremely stressful situation which increased my adrenaline level, the long drive here, drinking and the heat of the hot tub.

Once I got into the hot tub and began drinking, I began relaxing and would naturally be tired at the end of the work week. I also lost my energy from the adrenaline in my system. As my blood alcohol increase in combination with the heat in the tub I most likely developed heat exhaustion and those factors led to my passing out. When I slipped under the water it was purely accidental. The doctor conferred with the sheriff's department and I was released after 24 hours.

Mandy went to the B&B and stayed overnight. She checked out of the inn a day early, returned her rental car and drove to the hospital where she waited for me to be released. Thankfully, she was not allowed into the psych ward where I had been admitted to after I regained consciousness. However, she was my ride back to the house. While I had calmed down and knew we needed to talk I wasn't ready to face the ugly truth that awaited me although the ride back would afford the time needed to begin a conversation.

Mandy and Dawson

It was late afternoon once the discharge was processed and I was wheeled to the lobby Mandy was there with the car pulled up to the entrance. The orderly wheeled me out and helped me get into the passenger door and buckle in. The first thing I asked Mandy is, "Have you eaten yet? I'm famished." She told me that no she hadn't eaten and she drove us to a small cozy restaurant.

We ordered and when the waitress brought the food it was as if I hadn't eaten in months. I devoured my burger and fries. Inhaled my chocolate malt and managed to choke down a slice of homemade cherry pie with a cup of coffee to wash it down with. Mandy had a small salad and iced tea. My hunger sated I paid the check. The cost of the meal was $25 and I gave her a Franklin so her tip was $75, she looked like she could use it.

Finally, it was time to face the music as Mandy began driving toward home, she started the conversation. "Oh Dawson, you scared me! When I saw you underwater, I managed to pull you up and then I screamed and one of the guests came rushing in. The man held you up while I got more help and called 911. The owner and two other guests got you out of the tub and started CPR until the ambulance arrived."

I thought to myself so that's how it happened and explained what I saw during my out of body experience and no I didn't mention it in the hospital or I might still be there. She continued, "When they said it was a possible suicide, I lost it! I couldn't stand the thought that what I did might have caused you so much pain you would hurt yourself. I knew deep inside you would never abandon our kids, no matter what!"

"I'm so sorry Dawson for my behavior that led us to this point. I take full blame and responsibility. Please forgive me!"

I let her words sink in before I responded. As I digested what she told me, I spotted a motel up the road. I told Mandy to pull in. I got out and went in and got us a room for the evening that had two beds. I returned to the car and told Mandy we needed to get off the road before we caused an accident if she became emotional. So, we grabbed our bags entered the room and settled in for the evening. I used the bathroom and so did she.

While she was in the bathroom, I got some ice and some Cokes. I took time to call the B&B and asked if the person who helped me were still there. The owner told me they were there for the weekend. I asked him to comp their stay and bill it to my credit card that he had on file. I also told him to bill me the price of an additional two nights for his trouble and that of my fellow visitors to that had their peaceful evening interrupted. He thanked me and wished me well and said after a brief argument, he would reluctantly take my money as my near demise was exciting and not really any trouble.

I sat in the desk chair and she laid on the bed. I realized that I needed to ask some hard questions and it was now my turn so I began by thanking her for saving my life. "Mandy, I need to ask you several questions and I want the complete truth. If I've discovered you have lied to me at any time we are done, do you understand? She nodded. "Good." I said.

"Again, thank you for my life but why were you here and how did you get there last night?"

"Dawson I was stunned by your anger and the fact you directed it at me. As Crissy pulled away, I thought about everything you said and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so ashamed and selfish and all I wanted to do was reach you right away. So, I had Crissy drive me to the rental office at the airport because I knew they would be open late. I borrowed a credit card from her and rented a car and took off. I got to the room and found you underwater. You scared me so much!"

"I came to apologize and to spend the weekend with you. When I remembered what I said to you right before you exploded, I couldn't believe it came from my mouth! Please forgive me, you, Bobby and Jenny are my life!! I was so stunned by your reaction I couldn't move and by the time I came to my senses you wouldn't answer the door. I kept pounding and pounding until Crissy came up and dragged me away. I wanted to tell you that you were right and that I needed to go with you for the weekend. I can't believe how much I fucked everything up!"

She began sobbing and I knew that I made the right decision to stop. I got up and went to the tissue dispenser built into the sink and I removed the box of tissues and took it and gave it to Mandy. I got two cups of ice and opened a bottle of Coke. I poured some into each glass and handed one to her. I took a sip from the cup then I continued.

"Mandy, I'm positive that all of the late nights, the cold bitter way you have treated us and the anger and lack of physical and emotional intimacy is due to another man in your life. Have you slept with another man?" She couldn't look me in the eye but she nodded in the affirmative as her tears began to fall in earnest.

I asked, "Are you in love with him?" She vehemently shook her head no. "Then why Mandy? Is he better looking? Does he have a better cock? Is he a better lover?" She wailed as she said, "Nooooooooo! Please Dawson forgive me I'm so sorry I never meant to hurt you! Oh God, what have I done?" She began hyperventilating and I remembered that I put the paper bag from the liquor store in my suitcase. I opened it took the bag out and gave it to her.

I instructed her to breathe into the bag slowly in and out until she stopped. "Mandy, I need to know why? Why would you violate our vows, desecrate our marriage, disrespect me, our children and most of all yourself? I just don't understand it!"

"Dawson, I was feeling depressed and a bit bored. When I met Crissy, I was vulnerable and in a bad place mentally and emotionally. I was jealous of her single carefree lifestyle and she seemed to embody what I thought I had missed in my life. I felt trapped by my marriage and by motherhood and I wanted to be footloose and fancy free."

"I thought that a girl's night out would allow me to let my hair down a bit. Crissy always attracted a bunch of guys who bought us drinks and wanted to dance. I sat alone for the first few times while the others danced. After a while I thought what harm a is a little dancing going to do. So I began dancing when someone would ask me."

I looked at her and wondered how she could get so lost and how she became someone whom I loved and cherished and thought I understood to a woman I really didn't know at all. I felt pain deep within my core. A mind-numbing agony fueled by deceit and immense sense of betrayal. Every word of her confession was like a dagger plunged into chest and pierced my heart.

Mandy continued, "As time went on men would buy us drinks and the more we drank, the more danced and the hours flew by and so the nights became later and later. One night a handsome caught my eye. He was tall, dark haired like you but younger. I became intrigued and fanaticized about him asking me to dance but never expecting it to actually happen."

"Suddenly he appeared at our table and he asked me to dance. I tried to say no but, in the end, I danced with him. We did nothing except dance and he was a complete gentleman but I got extremely turned on. That night I came home so horny and I wanted to rape you. However, I didn't think it was fair to wake you so I used my toy in the bathroom. I did think about him but it was just a fantasy. I had a squirting orgasm due to the excitement of it all."

"Dawson, I felt so guilty that I just couldn't face you. So, I kept you away by being cold and surly. I pushed you and our kids away and doing so I kept my fantasy world alive and it gave me freedom in my mind to enjoy it. The next time this same man showed up and danced with me all night. He got me so excited as I felt his erection as it pressed against me and that I caused it."

"I felt myself slip into a dream and lust flooded my body and clouded my judgment. He asked me to step out for some fresh air and to cool down. I went. He looked into my eyes and he kissed me and I kissed him back. I was overcome by lust and soon found myself in the backseat of his car where we had sex. He isn't any more handsome, bigger or better at sex. He represented a life that was carefree and devoid of responsibility, a fantasy world that came alive and one I desperately wanted to hold onto."

"From then on we continued to meet to dance and have sex. I was hooked on the fantasy not the man. I went to his apartment a couple of times and yes, I was supposed to spend the weekend with him and Crissy with another man. We were to be pampered and spoiled with dinner, massages champagne and strawberries and a lot of raw unadulterated sex."

"That is until reality finally sat in, burst the bubble and destroyed both my fantasy and reality in one fell swoop. That is the entire unvarnished truth. I've left nothing out. No more lies. Dawson, your pain brought me back to reality and suddenly the truth hit me like a ton of bricks."

"I want you to know that I love you and our kids so much! I don't want to lose you or our family. I truly screwed the pooch and I'll do whatever it takes to earn your trust back and anything to keep our family together! Please find room in your heart for forgiveness."

She tried giving me those sad puppy dog eyes and they were genuinely filled with real tears. However, I was uncertain as to who and what they were intended for. Even though I hadn't caught her confession seemed trite and contrived. She waited until the eleventh hour and after it nearly cost me my life to do so. It was my foolish decision making that led to that near catastrophe and the blame squarely belonged to me for that fiasco even it she was the catalyst that created the chain reaction.

I had to take a few minutes to steady myself before I replied. I composed myself and said, "Mandy. You said that this alternate life you created was nothing but fantasy and that you 'felt trapped by my marriage and by motherhood' and that you wanted a life that was carefree and devoid of responsibility, a fantasy world that came alive and one you desperately wanted hold onto."

"Life has always challenged the living with pressures. Survival and living are hard to do. Adult humans have since the time when Eve had screwed paradise for the rest of us been forced to live and deal with such pressure. Despite her grave faux pas, God allowed us to continue to mate and perpetuate the species. Hell, he even had Noah build an ark to keep it going after others behaved so badly that he had to destroy the entire population of the world save for those precious few aboard the ark of the covenant."

"Since that time men and women have banded together and bonded with each other toward furthering the existence of the species and faced the challenges of life, two as one. That is what marriage is. Remember when I asked you to be my wife? I asked you to think on it and be sure you wanted to make that kind of commitment, a lifelong kind and I gave you time to think it through no pressure or coercion to answer. Yet you came to me and said yes."

Mandy replied, Dawson, I loved you then and today and I meant what I said I want us for a lifetime."

Mandy looked at me her eyes pleaded with me as she looked for some sign of forgiveness, a glimmer of hope. I replied, "When we said our wedding vows in a church filled with family and friends before God with our priest, best man and your maiden of honor as our witnesses do you recall what he said? Well here are some of the highpoints."

"First he said that marriage is a scared covenant that is not to be entered into lightly. Then he asked if you if the vows you took were of your own free will and you told him before the assemblage yes. He also said forsaking all others, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health for all days until death do you part and we, you and I said I will. For 10 years I've honored that sacred vow and my commitment to you, our children and our marriage. It was my honor and privilege to do so for nine and a half of those years."

Mandy began to sob unconsolably. I stopped to give her time to calm down and stop hyperventilating and give myself time to calm down and recollect my thoughts. Part of me wanted desperately to ease her pain and part of me wanted her to suffer some of the pain and humiliation I felt as she revealed her activities of the past six months. Sadly, the lesser demons out dueled the better angels on this somber evening.

She finally got up from the bed and ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. After a few minutes passed I heard the shower running and wisps of steam began to escape from beneath the door. I grabbed some ice from the bucket and refilled my glass and poured myself another Coke. It was 45 minutes before Mandy reemerged from the bathroom. Her beautiful curls and auburn locks as well as her torso were wrapped in bath towels. Her eyes remained red and puffy but she had managed to stop the waterworks for the time being.

I asked, "Mandy, I haven't finished saying all I need to say, do you want to continue or resume in the morning?"

She looked at me with trepidation but said ever so softly, "Go ahead."

I looked into her emerald eyes as I finally had put the demons to rest and with an angel on my shoulder, I tried to use my eyes to convey some sense of empathy and tried to convey some modicum of comfort. "Mandy. The point I tried to make earlier was to point out that we signed off together on the footloose and fancy-free lifestyle and willingly agreed to marry and start a family."

"We chose the responsibility of adulthood and agreed to become responsible adults. Bobby and Jenny didn't ask to be brought into this world. We, you and I chose deliberately to have those two wonderful children. In doing so, we made a promise to love and care for them and to teach them until they are old enough to venture into the world on their own. This weekend we both failed our children. When I think about nearly having left them without a father. I'm deeply ashamed of my poor decisions and reaction that led to near catastrophe. Your own culpability notwithstanding, was no excuse for my poor reaction. For that I apologize to you and our children."

Mandy looked puzzled almost unable to believe that I had apologized to her. I continued, "That said, we, you and I have some serious and important decisions to be made. Our faith does not look favorably upon divorce. However, no one should remain in a marriage where love, fidelity, and mutual respect are non-existent. Also, I can't wait for you to grow up and to be a responsible human being that thinks about the cost and consequence of your decisions on yourself and those around you."

"You have turned a fairy tale fantasy into your personal reality. The direct cost is the exclusion of all else for your party life and your lover; and the pain you have inflicted upon me with your betrayal and our children with your neglect. Your surliness and snapping carried over into our reality and it did not stop with me, it impacted our children and left them confused and bewildered wondering what they did to make you so angry and aloof."

Mandy's eyes grew moist as she valiantly fought to hold back her tears. I told her, "I cannot and will not subject myself or our children to a wife and a mother who has checked out. You have hurt me deeply and humiliated me more than I ever dreamt was possible. So, my intention is to grant you the freedom you so covet and so you can continue your pursuit of happiness devoid of responsibility. I will take sole responsibility for the care of our children. My pain is inconsequential as long the kids' pain is minimized. They are still young enough that given time to heal they will forget."

"My terms must be agreed to and strictly adhered to for their sake. One, you are to never ever expose them to your lifestyle and the parade of men a single woman is bound to attract. If you decide you want to see your kids, it must be in their home or a school function. Also, you must come alone. The same goes if you decide to take them out to eat or shop. Two, you either commit to time with them regularly or not at all. My expectation given your recent behavior is that you have already chose the latter. Children don't mesh well with the carefree lifestyle of a single woman devoid of responsibility. So, I've got you covered. Congratulations Mandy! You got what you have secretly desired for the past six months. Good luck."