All Comments on 'Discovery of Sarah Ch. 01'

Silly, but fun!

I want to believe

To get the negatives out of the way, this needed a proper proofread. It starts off in past tense then switches to present fairly quickly, and one point the view switches to second-person which made it feel like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure. There's a few spelling and grammar issues that could be picked up in a second draft. The ending is also rather abrupt, though I assume this is because there was meant to be a chapter 2 that never materialised.

Having said that, it is nice to see a story that encourages a woman's corruption rather than enforces it. I enjoyed how Sarah was given positive reinforcement all the way through, it makes it much more fascinating (and definitely sexier) that she chooses to descend into being a camwhore rather than doing it because she's been forced. Although obviously sped up for the sake of the story, it does present a more realistic view of mental conversion that I appreciated. Too many stories utilise the stick when the carrot usually gets better results.

While my name probably gives away my bias in this regard, this would only need a few small changes to be a mind control story. You'd just need a hypnotic focus like a blinking light or a swinging metronome in the background, and a few lines about how it affects Sarah's ability to think too clearly about what she's doing. The encouraging tone reminds me of a more realistic hypnosis session, so it's something to consider.

All in all, though there's work that needs doing, it does provide a nice alternative to the usual 'forced into pornography' stories. I'd be happy to offer some suggestions if you wished to look at it from a hypnosis angle as an alternative take.

The story is interesting, the grammar aside, i'm not english so i can't speak about that. It's interesting to see how a girl's mind can be swayed into naughty things and realise suprisingly she enjoys it despite herself. Perhaps you write with experiences in mind? It makes for a good premise if you take the time to drag the story on and describe more fully step by step how things starts to affect and change her. Perhaps we could discuss it if you use the lit chat. Cheers and keep on writting