Divine Appointments

"When did you sleep?"

"Hardly ever, it seemed. If Pearl had any problems, one of us didn't sleep at all. Then early this year, I learned the bakery was going to close and I would be out of work. Mother remembered the hunting cabin my grandfather owned and looked for the deed so we could locate it. We made plans and tried to understand how to live off the land. We bought a large supply of dried beans to be sure we had something to eat, and also seeds and some gardening tools hoping we could grow and preserve enough to survive. We came to the cabin in April with what we could afford to move with the help of the bakery delivery truck. We planted what we could but had very little yield. Potatoes and carrots were most plentiful, and we preserved tomatoes. But almost everything else failed to fill our cupboard with adequate supplies."

"You mentioned your mother. Where is she?"

I lost control of my emotions momentarily and Bill steadied me. He pulled me next to him on the sofa and held me until I was calm again and could continue.

"When we were harvesting potatoes, I found her on the ground."

I started to softly sob and Bill calmed me by holding me tighter.

"I rolled her on her back, she whispered, 'I love you,' then died in my arms."

As I told Bill of the events of our past, I felt like I was reliving my experiences and I was beginning to get overwhelmed with emotion. Even so, I felt driven to finish. I owed it to Bill, but I think I owed it to myself as well.

"I didn't know what to do or who to go to, so I dug a deep grave near the cabin and laid her to rest."

"Oh, my dear. So you're completely on your own with Pearl?"

"Yes. And I knew that even without having my mother to feed, we couldn't get through the winter with what we had. Even the dried beans were nearly gone. I had my father's rifle for hunting, but I quickly ran out of ammunition and couldn't afford more even if I knew where to obtain it. Plus, I'm a terrible hunter. I was occasionally successful fishing the pond, but when it froze over I didn't catch much within the time I could withstand the cold."

"Why didn't you seek help from neighbors?"

"I never saw anyone else. I didn't know your house was here, and it seems most cabins nearby were just for hunting or summer retreats. In the cold, I was limited as to how far I could walk with Pearl."

The memories of the hopelessness that haunted me welled up within me until Bill held me tighter.

"When you found me, I was sure 1922 would finish what 1918 did to my family."

I was losing control as I tried to convey my most desperate thoughts. The words came out interrupted by blubbering I couldn't contain.

"I'm... ashamed... to confess... what I considered... to spare Pearl any more pain!"

Bill was wise. He remained silent and just held me as emotion controlled me. At some point, he lifted me onto his lap and held me just as I saw him holding Pearl earlier. I cried on his shoulder as he gently kissed my forehead. At that moment he seemed more like a father to me than a friend.

Once I calmed down, he gently closed the evening discussion with great care and wisdom.

"Bal, rejoice that it's over. Remember, after Job's trials, he was doubly blessed by God. It's been a long day. I want you to think good thoughts of the blessings to come and let the past go."

Just as he did with Pearl, Bill got up and carried me into the bedroom and put me next to Pearl. He kissed my forehead, and quietly left the room. I slept more soundly than I had in years.

*****

The next several days, Bill focused on helping us settle in. I could tell he wanted to be sure we were secure in our comfort with him. He took great care in assuring us of our privacy and safety. By the third day, he finally let me help him in the kitchen. A week later he allowed me to be the breakfast cook, but he always controlled dinner. I found that cooking was more of a source of enjoyment for him than I would have imagined.

The hot baths with running water at the house became my favorite retreat. I soaked, thought, prayed, and felt rejuvenated after every bath.

Ten days after Pearl and I joined Bill in his home, I felt comfortable enough to ask him about his past. Just by being in his home, I learned that he had been a Methodist pastor with a circuit of four churches. I knew that he had been married, but I hadn't mustered the courage to inquire about her. After Pearl was put to bed that night, I set out to ask him the difficult questions.

We sat together to the sofa in front of the fire with the remaining contents of a bottle of Beaujolais.

"I can get used to having wine every night. It brings the French woman out in me. How much do you store in the cellar?"

"I can't possibly drink all that Sam sends me every month. I must have 12 or 13 unopened cases down there. But I must admit that my intake has increased with your welcomed presence in the house. Maybe tomorrow I'll open some Riesling that he has been after me to try."

I struggled to find a way to ask Bill some personal questions. He saw the look on my face in the brief silence.

"Bal, is there something on your mind? You seem pensive."

"You've only known me a few weeks. Can you read me that well?"

"I've grown to admire your different looks. They tell me so much."

"What! What do they say?"

"I'm not revealing my secrets," he laughed.

"What do you see in my face?"

"That's a different question." His eyes warmed and a soft smile spread across his lips. "I see a beautiful and warm woman with flowing blonde hair, whose capacity for love is immense. I see it when you talk about Pearl or your late husband and family members. I also see a wonderful humility that shows me you don't know how amazing you are."

I know I turned many shades of red as I blushed. "You're embarrassing me."

"I apologize. I sometimes speak before I think through what I'm going to say."

"Are you saying you didn't mean what you said?" I wasn't sure what his last statement meant.

"Oh, Bal. I didn't mean to upset you. What I meant is that I often say exactly what I mean without thinking of the consequences. I didn't mean to embarrass and I certainly don't want to flatter you inappropriately. Before I say too much, I just want you to understand that I think you're an amazing woman. But now, you still haven't answered my first question."

"Which question?"

"What's on your mind?"

"Oh. Yes. Well... I shared my past the first night we met and, while I think I know some things, I actually know very little about you."

"What do you think you know?"

He was frowning as if he was building defenses.

"I know that you were a pastor, that you are very intelligent and well-read, and that you either are or were married. I know you are a marvelous cook and a good hunter. You're strong and handsome. And you are the kindest and most gentle man I've ever met."

"I guess I should blush. You are too kind. So what do you want to know first?"

"The photograph on the mantle—is that of your wife?" His face dropped and I'm sure I saw a tear in his eye.

"Yes. That's my Catherine. She passed about five years ago, and she was truly the love of my life."

Without shame, he let a few tears trickle down his cheeks. His pain at the loss ran very deep.

"Bill, did I ask too much of you to share that?"

"No, I want you to know. I still miss her every minute. We were married when I was 20 and she was 18. We were together for 12 glorious years."

"I miss Robert every day too, but it must be different. We never had the chance to make marriage the normal part of our lives. I miss the lost opportunities even more than the few memories we were able to create."

"I can see that. Catherine and I were everything to each other and our daily relationship defined us. I still talk to her in bed as if she's there next to me."

"I think that's really sweet. May I ask, how did she pass?" Bill's face showed so many emotions at once that it scared me. He looked hurt, angry, and sad all at once. "Don't feel obligated to tell me. I can see it cuts you deeply."

He softened a little as he looked away, appearing to try and control the deep emotions coming to the surface.

"Bal, I'll tell you someday. I can't today."

"I'm sorry, Bill. I've touched a nerve I didn't know would hurt you so much. Please, forgive me."

"Of course, but I need to ask your patience. I never had to recount the events of those days, and it will take me some time to have the courage to face them with someone else. But, for now, what else do you want to know?"

"I hope my questions aren't too close to the pain you've experienced. If they are, just say the word 'later' and I will understand."

"All right. I can do that. So what next would you like to know?"

"There's a lot about you that doesn't make sense. A man as learned as you and who has pastored congregations is living remotely and alone. You seem to be someone who should be near people."

Some of the pain returned to his face, but he seemed comfortable enough to tell me some of his past.

"When Catherine died, everything changed for me. The events around Catherine's death convinced me I could no longer pastor a congregation. I still have some good friends and I get to see them on occasion, but it's best I live here and away from my past."

"It doesn't bother you to have Pearl and me here, does it?"

"Oh, no. Absolutely not. Bal, you're not from my past. You and Pearl have given me hope and you've helped me more than you could know."

"We've really helped each other, then. Just as you said."

"Yes. We are blessings for each other and I'm extremely grateful for you both."

"Then let me ask an easier question. It's about this house. The lace curtains, the wine, and some of the furnishings reflect refinement and high society, while many other aspects are rustic and manly. How do you make it all fit together?"

Bill laughed uncontrollably. "My friend, Tom Huff, would agree with you. He teases me about the lace curtains every time he visits. But the simple truth is that I cannot have a home without them. They were made for my first home with Catherine. They were her first Christmas present from me after we were married. It was all she wanted and all she would talk about."

"But what about the wine and everything else? This is a well-appointed home with expensive attributes and large enough for a well-to-do family. How do you afford it all as an unemployed former pastor?"

"The wine you know about. It comes from my brother, Sam. And for the rest—my parents were wealthy and left me with a comfortable inheritance. At first, my father nearly disowned me when I went to seminary instead of law school, but he eventually became very supportive."

Bill chuckled a bit. "Actually, my father softened when Sam chose his career in wine. Dad figured even being a pastor was better than supplying 'alcohol to a world of drunken fools,' as he would say."

"I guess that explains a lot, and thank you for sharing yourself. Do you have more questions for me?"

He flashed a cute smile and blushed a little. "Do you really think I'm intelligent and handsome?"

"That depends. Do you really think I'm beautiful?"

"I will always tell you the truth, Bal," he said, looking extremely bashful.

"As will I," I replied with what I'm sure were very red cheeks.

After discussing some plans for the coming days, we went to our respective rooms for a good night's sleep. I climbed into bed and quickly realized I had not performed my evening ablutions. I quietly descended the stairs to use the bathroom. As I entered, from his room I heard Bill's rumbling voice softly talking.

"She's something special, Catherine. I know you'd love her. I thought I'd never feel about someone the way I feel for you, but she touches my heart every time I see her and now I think there's a chance. She's so much younger and I don't know if she could feel the same about me, but I can't deny how being near her pulls on my heart. And I love Pearl. I know you would, too. I wish we had little ones and I think they'd be just like that wonderful child. Oh, Honey, I still miss you terribly. Good night, my love."

I quietly went back up the stairs hoping Bill hadn't heard me. I silently cried into my pillow. I cried for Bill and the extent of his great loss. I cried for joy knowing that he was experiencing the same growing feelings I had for him. I cried in awe of the depth of love in that wonderful man. I cried as I felt there was true hope for the future for me and Pearl. If I really was living through a 'Job-like' experience, I felt eternally grateful that God was still with me and He was blessing Pearl and me beyond our greatest dreams.

*****

Several weeks passed and the warmth in the house grew between the three of us. One night I was having difficulty sleeping and decided to wander downstairs to find a small bite to eat when I noticed the door to the bathroom was slightly open and candlelight filtered out. I heard Bill quietly humming 'Amazing Grace' which I knew was his favorite song.

I peeked through the door from the bottom of the stairs just as he stood up from his bath and I nearly gasped out loud. The only man I'd ever seen without clothes was Robert. I don't know how large one's manhood should be, but Bill was endowed with a member much larger than I imagined was possible. He had to have twice the length and girth of my Robert.

I quietly returned up the stairs and pondered what I saw. Robert had been only a little taller than my 5'2" and Bill must be at least a foot taller than Robert, so I guess he would be bigger everywhere. Robert and I only made love three times between our wedding day and the day he had to leave, and we never really explored each other thoroughly. I remember holding his penis and I could estimate by where it fit in my hand that he was possibly five or six inches long. As I recalled, my thumb touched my middle finger so I could also guess how thick he was. When we made love I remember how much it hurt at first. Robert barely fit within me. How could someone Bill's size mate with a woman, much less provide pleasure without pain? I struggled to sleep while my thoughts battled between fear and curiosity about what it would be like to be with Bill in that way.

*****

In the morning, Bill left the house early and I was cleaning the loft when Pearl started shouting.

"Mommy, Mommy! There's a strange man outside!"

I came down the stairs to see what Pearl was excited about just as a man walked in the front door. He scared me to my core, but I quickly saw he was frightened too.

"Oh, my! Excuse me, ladies. I was expecting to see Pastor Bill. I didn't mean to scare you."

"Who are you, mister?"

"Pearl, be polite."

"That's a fair question young lady. I'm a friend of Pastor Bill's. I'm Tom Huff."

"Who's Passerbill? We know Bill."

"Pearl, Sweetie, Bill is Pastor Bill. The word 'pastor' is what you call a minister at a church. It's like when you call the doctor 'Doctor Smithson.' 'Doctor' is his title, and 'pastor' is Bill's title."

"Do I have a title, Mommy?"

I chuckled a bit. "We'll talk later, Sweetie. Mr. Huff, I'm Bal, and I'm pleased to meet you. Bill is hunting for our dinner and should be back soon. Come in and I'll make some coffee for us."

Tom, as he demanded I refer to him, was a jolly man and a pleasure to talk with. He explained that he was the sheriff, and was perhaps Bill's closest friend. He had many lively stories about Bill and I explained why Pearl and I were there. I liked Sheriff Huff a great deal and I could understand why he and Bill were friends.

"Bal, I see a twinkle in your eye when you talk about Bill. Are you two courting?" His belly jiggled a little as he laughed.

I'm sure I turned red. "No, Tom," I replied with a giggle that was, perhaps, too telling of what I felt. "Bill and I have become good friends but we have not crossed that line."

"As I said, I see more in your eyes than you're admitting to yourself. I love Bill like a brother and I want to see him happy again. But do me a big favor. Please don't mislead him. I don't think he could survive another heartbreak."

I sensed an opportunity to learn more about Bill.

"Tom, I know a little about Catherine and that she died. Can you tell me what happened?"

"Bill hasn't told you?"

"No, he hasn't."

"It's a difficult story, Bal. And if Bill hasn't told you yet, I know he has his reasons. I wish I could tell you, but it's not my place. It will need to come from him."

"I understand, Tom. I guess you're being a wise man and a good friend."

I heard footsteps outside the front door.

"Tom, you old dog," Bill entered the house with his gregarious and boisterous greeting and the two friends embraced.

"William. I was just getting to know your lady friend and you spoiled our morning."

The men caught up with the latest news from the old town and verbally sparred as boys are prone to do. Tom brought some mail and packages, including two cases of wine from Bill's brother. As they went to Tom's automobile to retrieve them I let them have a few moments of privacy. I couldn't hear them, but I could read Tom's lips well enough to know the gist of what he said.

"Tell her."

Tom parted with warm goodbyes and I told him I enjoyed getting to know him. After he left, Pearl was running through the house with lots of energy and talking endlessly. I could see that Bill was quite introspective, and Pearl's noise was helping him try to hide his deep thoughts. At dinner time, Pearl was running out of energy and things to say, and the table seemed quiet. I filled the void by talking about Tom and the great conversation we had.

After dinner, I read to Pearl until it was bedtime. Bill, as had become his custom, carried her up the stairs and told her a brief Bible story before her evening prayers. Then he kissed her cheek and we tucked her in for a good night's sleep.

We sat in front of the fire as had also become our custom, and I knew Bill was struggling with what he wanted to say. I decided to remain quiet as I sipped my wine and stared at the fire. He would talk when he was ready. I prayed that I was ready to hear.

"Bal, I think it's time to tell you everything. Please just listen and I hope you still feel the same about me when I'm finished."

"I'm listening. I don't think you could say anything that would tarnish your image in my mind."

I was in my normal chair and Bill moved to the seat on the sofa that was next to me. The seriousness on his face was unusual for him and it alarmed me.

"It was a Wednesday evening and I was at one of the churches where I served to meet with the church leaders. We expected to meet until nine o'clock, but there was a cold going around the town. Since many were ill, we disassembled at about seven o'clock and I drove home. I approached my house and I sensed something was wrong when I noticed the front door of my house was open. I walked in and saw a man I knew by the name of Lester Pittman. He was an older man, a coal miner, and the local town drunk. He was a vile man and a constant problem in the town with constant rude comments and picking fights. When I came upon him in my house, his pants were off and he was hovering over Catherine who was spread out on the sofa. He heard me and quickly started to pull on his trousers as he looked at me and started laughing through the few, dirty brown teeth he had remaining. I'll never forget what he said."

"Hey, Parson. She was a great lay. I needed that."

"In one punch, I knocked him out and ran to Catherine. She wasn't moving. I saw the handprints on her neck. The bastard..."

Bill was losing control and crying at the memory. I moved to his side and held him.