Divine Appointments

"... The bastard strangled her to death as he raped her."

Bill fought his tears for a moment before continuing. "Lester started to wake and I hit him again and again into unconsciousness. I grieved over my wife and covered her exposed body to protect her modesty. We had a long, flat coffee table in front of the sofa. I picked Lester up while he was still knocked out, and dropped him onto the table. I tied his hands through the opening underneath the top of the table so he wouldn't be able to move, and then his feet to assure he could not move. I went back to Catherine's body and cried, prayed in anger and anguish, and cried some more."

He paused again to fight the weight of his words and terrible memories. "I'm ashamed of what I said to my God that night. I'm more ashamed of what I did next."

Bill paused as I held him. I could feel his muscles tense as he fought the memory and the horror of that night. My tears were flowing for his pain. I couldn't see anything clearly. I sensed him gathering the courage to continue.

"Lester started to become alert and he began taunting me. 'Still think I can be saved, Parson? You keep hounding me... God can forgive anything. Easy for you to say with your nice house and tasty wife. How about you, man of God? You have to forgive me for my little fun. What are you going to do? Preach some more at me, Parson.' He struggled against the ropes but didn't seem to care that he was at my mercy. There was no mercy in me."

Bill paused again. I saw him glance at me to gauge my reaction.

"Bal, don't hate me for what I tell you now. I already hate myself. I took my grandfather's sword from behind the side table where we kept it and placed the tip against Lester's chest. He kept taunting me, almost as if he wanted me to kill him. He panicked and screamed as I slowly pushed the blade into him. When he finally went silent, his eyes were open and staring at me. I'll never forget his face. Even in death, he wore a mocking smile. He looked like I gave him what he wanted."

I never imagined this kind and gentleman was capable of such horror. But I felt the pain. I sensed the loss. I understood the evil things we all are capable of, and we all have a breaking point when excess provocation is added to the situation. I couldn't hate him for this. I wondered how he could avoid something so drastic given the circumstances.

"Do you hate me, Bal?" He was crying almost convulsively in pain from his shame and guilt.

"No. I don't hate you. I think I understand the forces that drove your actions. What happened next?" Bill took a moment to pull his emotions together and seemed relieved that I didn't run for my life.

"Tom was both the sheriff and my neighbor. After I calmed down, I went to his home and woke him up. I brought him to the scene of my crime and collapsed into my friend's arms. He had me lay in my bed while he went to get Brady Thompson, who was the local undertaker and also a good friend. Between the two of them, by morning the scene was cleaned up and their reports were written. There was no denying that I killed Lester. Tom met with the district attorney and they agreed on justifiable homicide. So no charges were made against me. Brady made sure Lester looked good enough that the degree of my revenge was not visible to anyone at the funeral. I then resigned from my post as a pastor, noting that with the taking of a life and the loss of my dear wife, I felt no longer capable of resuming my duties."

Bill looked at me with his face stained from tears. His eyes were questioning me. He was searching for signs of how I received his confession. I climbed into his lap and kissed away his remaining tears, stroked his hair, and gently kissed his lips. We embraced and simply held each other for almost an hour.

We had no more words to say. When it was evident that we needed sleep, Bill carried me up the stairs and placed me in my bed. He gently hugged me. "Thank you for the way you received my confession, Bal," he whispered. "It means a great deal to me. Goodnight."

*****

The next morning Bill and I arrived in the kitchen at the same time. At first, we looked at each other not knowing what to do. Then I ran into his arms and embraced him. He held me tightly for several minutes, then pulled back to look at me.

"Are you all right, Bal?"

I only had one thing I wanted to tell him, and I prayed it was the right time. "I love you, Bill."

He kissed me with warmth and passion before answering. "I know. And I love you."

We embraced some more and I softly told him what I had to say. "I knew you couldn't tell me the terrible things from your past unless you loved me first. All the truth is open now. We don't need to dwell on our past anymore."

*****

Christmas was only a few days away and Bill needed to take a trip to town. I found some vines and white pine branches and decided to make a wreath to hang on the door. Once I was done, I baked some sugar cookies using the recipe I remembered from my mother. Bill was getting some fresh milk along with other supplies, and I planned to make a special treat of hot chocolate to celebrate the holiday.

On Christmas Eve, we cooked the goose Bill had purchased along with several other special other treats, such as oysters for the stuffing and butternut squash. For dessert, I baked a sour cherry crumb pie. We prayed thankfully for the blessing of the birth of our Savior, thanked God for each other and how He provided for us, and feasted on the rare treats. Bill selected an Italian wine that Sam had sent. I don't remember the name, but it was the best wine I had ever enjoyed.

Pearl was excited and her eyes radiated with glee. Bill and I enjoyed her precocious personality and joyful countenance. The room was filled with love and that day I realized how much we were already a family.

We all fell into the sofa having eaten far too much of the wonderful dinner. Pearl was seated between us as Bill started singing 'O Little Town of Bethlehem' and other Christmas carols. I watched with love as Bill patiently taught Pearl the words and after each song, he explained what they meant to my eager young lady.

"Mister Bill, how could the sky sing?"

"It's not really the sky, Sweetie. When the song says 'Heaven and nature sing," it's talking about all the angels in heaven. And by nature, it means that all of God's creation was happy about Jesus being born."

"In Bethlehem, right?"

"That's right."

"My grandma went to Bethlehem one time. She told me."

Bill chuckled at her innocent chain of thought. "That's a different Bethlehem here in Pennsylvania. The Bethlehem where Jesus was born is very far from here."

The fire may have been keeping the room warm, but watching Bill and Pearl together warmed my heart and soul. To me, this was heaven.

After we sang, Bill got up with a wide grin and announced he would be back in a moment. Pearl climbed onto my lap and hugged me without prompting.

"Mommy, can we sing some more? That was fun."

"Yes, it was, Sweetie. We'll see what Mister Bill wants to do when he comes back."

"I love Mister Bill. He makes me feel happy. Do you like him too, Mommy?"

I saw Bill returning from the corner of my eye. It was clear he heard most of our conversation and was beaming with approval.

"Yes, I do. I love him, too." I smiled at my wonderful man.

"All right, my girls. It seems there are some presents here for my two favorite people." He handed a wrapped gift to Pearl. She was bouncing on my lap so hard it was almost painful, but I delighted too much in the spirit of the moment to care about the discomfort.

"For me? Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mister Bill."

Pearl ripped the paper off the large package and opened up a box filled with new clothes. She found two new dresses, gloves, stockings, a new warm coat, two nightgowns, and even new undergarments. She did what all girls do as she held up each outfit against her and swayed as if she was wearing it. She cherished each garment and gave Bill hugs after spending time adoring each new treasure. After the last item in the box, she ran to him once again and thanked him.

"You're not finished, Pearl," he explained. "Here's another box for you."

Before she received it she held him tightly. My heart overflowed with joy as I watched her. At four years old, she understood the love behind each gift and cherished the giver more than the item. This was a smaller box and she left it in Bill's hands as she opened it.

"New shoes!" she shouted with pure glee. The box contained three pairs. One was a heavy-duty pair for outdoors, another was a pair of dress shoes, and the final were house shoes made for warmth and comfort.

I was amazed that the significance of this moment was not lost on my four-year-old little girl. A few short weeks ago we had almost nothing. She cried with joy in his arms and held him as if her life depended on it.

"There's one more for you."

She sniffled and smiled at him, then looked at me with a look that melted my heart. My little girl was finding true joy and could feel secure in the love surrounding her. Tears rolled down my smiling cheeks.

Pearl ripped the paper off her final gift and opened the box. I couldn't believe she could smile even brighter. She held up a beautiful doll that was about 18 inches long and had a lovely painted porcelain face. The doll had hazel eyes and long blonde hair, just like my lovely daughter.

"Weeee. Oh, I love her!" She ran to Bill and hugged him with the doll between them.

"Do you like her?" He asked.

"She's so pretty. I love her."

"Of course she's pretty. She looks just like you. But, she needs a name," he added.

"Anne. Her name is Anne."

"That's a marvelous name. Why don't you play with her for a while," he said with a satisfied smile across his face.

Pearl climbed up on one of the chairs and I took the opportunity to climb into this wonderful man's lap. I kissed him, then held his cheeks as I looked into his eyes and smiled. "You're happy with yourself, aren't you?"

"More than you can imagine. She has become very dear to me, as have you."

We held each other as a delightful little girl talked to her doll and pretended to teach her about life. I looked again into his eyes as he watched her. His face glowed with love. I suddenly felt Pearl climbing up to join our embrace.

"Mister Bill, are you my daddy?" Her question shocked me, but I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. He looked at me with a surprised smile that clearly indicated trepidation as to how he should respond. My look told him I was happily curious as to how he would answer.

"Sweetie, there are lots of different kinds of daddies. The one that was with your mommy before you were born will always be your father, but you know he went to be with Jesus. Then there are daddies that love you and your mommy so much that they want you to be their little girl. For now, I love you and your mommy very much and we'll just have to see if I can become your daddy someday."

"All right." She accepted what Bill told her and, with a smile, went back to her chair to play some more.

"You handled that well, sir," I whispered with a smile and a kiss.

"I imagined she may have a question like that, so I did prepare."

"Aren't you the wise man? It's a fitting description for Christmas time."

He smiled, kissed me, and for a while we just watched Pearl with joy in our hearts.

"Sweetie, I think it's your bedtime. You can take Anne with you."

"I can! Thank you, Mommy." I was so pleased with how Pearl was growing into a polite and thoughtful young lady. She ran up the stairs with one of her new nightgowns to change. Bill and I followed in a few moments to read to her, pray, and tuck her in. We treasured the image of her already asleep with her new doll in her arms.

Returning to the sofa, I saw a large box in my seat. "Bill, what's this? When did you sneak this into the room?"

"I have my secret ways," he said with a huge, lovable grin.

"You didn't need to get me anything. You've done so much," I cried as I embraced him. "And I don't have anything to give you."

"Bal, you've given me more than you know. I fully expected to live my life without ever knowing love again, and you've changed that. Now, open your gift."

Unlike Pearl, I gently unwrapped the large box before me. It was about one foot high and wide, and about two feet deep.

"Oh, Bill. Oh, my!" It was filled with a similar assortment of clothes and shoes to what he had given Pearl.

"Good Lord, my love. You spent too much. How did you know if they were my size?"

"I had to guess. I looked for tags on your existing dresses but I guess they were homemade. I'll be going back to town next week and you can go with me. If anything doesn't fit, the shop will exchange it for something that does."

I carefully took each piece out and adored it before placing it neatly on the sofa. Everything he chose was beautiful and practical. I truly treasured each piece, both for what it was and for what it meant to me coming from Bill. The shoes were too small, so I would need to exchange them. I think Bill secretly wanted something to not fit so he could take me to town.

I removed the last nightgown and found a small, wrapped box underneath it. "What is this?"

"Open it and you'll see."

I unwrapped it to find what a jewelry box about the size used for a necklace. I looked up at Bill, his face glowing with joy. As I prepared to open it, I noticed his eyes flicker with a hint of worry. I caressed it and opened the lid to see a beautiful but confusing site.

"Oh, Bill. It's beautiful." The gold chain was delicate and held two magnificent pieces. One was a preciously beautiful heart-shaped pendant.

"The heart expresses what I'm giving you, Bal. My heart is yours."

The other item on the chain was what confused me. "Bill, this looks like an engagement ring."

"Bal, I wanted to give you that so you know where my mind and heart are, and where I hope our love will take us in the future. I know it's too soon for you to give that strong of a commitment and I want you to take your time. We've shared feelings, but you've come from dire circumstances and I'm carrying my own past on my shoulders. I'm very sure in my heart that I want you to be mine, but I want you to wear that on the necklace for now. Please, think carefully about it. Search your heart and be sure before you tell me you're ready to wear it on your finger.

I climbed onto his lap and kissed him. "Bill, I love you. And I would go to the church with you tomorrow and say 'I do' but I will do as you ask."

We sat and sipped the final contents from the bottle of wine, gently exchanged kisses and snuggles, and enjoyed the dance of the fire in the fireplace. I looked around the room and absorbed the view. The books, the desk, the fireplace, the lace curtains, the bottle of wine, and a man I deeply loved all gave me a feeling of warmth and belonging.

My heart was at home.

*****

Our life took on a certain routine. Bill hunted several mornings every week and usually came home with enough to last several days. One day he dropped a small buck and we spent time preparing it for the best yield. Bill didn't need to hunt for a while after that.

The mornings he didn't hunt, Bill either spent time on chores or with Pearl. We'd break for lunch and then Bill would spend more time with Pearl playing or reading to her. She was very bright and could read even though she was not yet five years old. The rest of the afternoon he would study in his office or would spend time writing. When I asked what he was writing he showed me his notes that only seemed to mean something to him. He said he was gathering ideas for a book he'd like to write about various theological subjects. We had several deep discussions on his preparations. Well, actually I listened as he talked with great enthusiasm, mostly about Christian apologetics. I was surprised how much I understood and I admired his intelligence greatly.

Every day I fondled the ring on my necklace and thought of what it meant. I kept searching within my heart, testing my emotions, and wondering if I felt the same as I did at Christmas. I knew the answer.

Whenever I watched Bill with Pearl, my love grew. Every evening as we sat in front of the fire and talked while sipping wine, I felt more connected with him. I love him more and more every day. Yes, he saved our lives and I was grateful beyond words. But there was no doubt that the divine appointment that day was more than for Pearl's and my physical needs. I know God put us together for much more.

As Easter approached I expected I would slip the ring on my finger at dinner. I couldn't wait to let my love know that I would be his. But something kept nagging at me. There was a fear rising and I resisted telling Bill. In three weeks, I would slip the ring on and everything would be fine.

But I forgot one important fact. Bill could read me better than I could read myself. On Palm Sunday, one week before Easter, we took our wine to the chairs by the fire after Pearl was put to bed.

I watched the fire, mesmerized by the flames as they danced and played. But I sensed the uneasiness.

"Bal, I've been asking for weeks. What is wrong?"

"Nothing, Bill. Really."

I knew I was postponing the inevitable. I would have to answer his question. But how could I do it without hurting him or making him angry?

"You can tell me anything, sweetheart. We can't keep important things from each other."

"I know. And there's nothing to worry about."

We kissed and held each other before retiring for the night. But I was running out of time. Bill had never raised his voice toward me, but I could feel his tension rising.

Two days later, I came to breakfast to find Bill at the table. Pearl was still asleep. "Good morning Honey. You're up early. Are you all right?"

"Bal, I can't take it anymore. I was up all night worrying about what is bothering you." He clenched his fist in frustration. "Tell me. Please!"

I sat and put my hands over his. I've practiced this over and over, and I still didn't know how to say it. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and had to look away.

"Bill, I don't know how to say it."

"Just put one word after the other. Whatever it is, Bal, I have to know."

"I know, I know."

I gathered my courage and blurted out the words I feared to say. "Bill, I'm afraid."

"Afraid! Afraid of what, sweetheart?"

I was ashamed of what I needed to confess. Will he be hurt, or maybe angry?

"What, Bal? What are you afraid of?"

I looked up at him. I could see the hurt already growing.

"You!" I almost shouted as my tears went out of control.

"ME!" He jumped up and started to pace. "You're afraid of me?"

He paced a few more times when I heard Pearl coming down the stairs. "Mommy? Why's Mister Bill mad?"

I ran to get her as Bill grabbed his coat and open the door. He paused with his back to me and he gently declared, "I thought you understood."

He closed the door and was gone before I could get to the door. "No, Bill. It's not what you think!" He ignored me, started the truck, and started down the road with haste.

Pearl was crying. I was out of control. I didn't do it right and I knew it. But I had no idea how to fix this. I also wasn't sure he would listen.

I calmed down for Pearl's sake and made her breakfast.

"Mommy, is Mister Bill going away? Did I make him mad?'

"Oh, no no no, Sweetie. He loves you. Mommy upset him because he didn't understand something I told him."

"What, Mommy?"

"Sweetie, it's just a misunderstanding. Everything will be alright."

I wasn't as sure as I sounded, but I couldn't afford the energy to calm Pearl's fears when my own were destroying my insides.

I didn't know where Bill went, but I assumed he would seek counsel and comfort from his closest friends. I asked Pearl to play quietly as I tried to look busy, but my mind was completely consumed with a deep sense of dread. My heart was pounding, and my stomach churned. I felt lost again.