Do You Love Me

"Jordan, I can't..."

"Can't think of a reason not to? Perfect. I'll text you my address and see you at noon on Saturday. Bye."

I hung up before she could talk herself out of it.

*****

I did a once over of my house after having a cleaning crew come through it on Friday. I wanted the place to be perfect for Tara's family. I made Melody's favorite, a pan of lasagna for lunch along with some garlic bread and salad. I was a nervous wreck. Melody was laughing the entire time.

"You're a cat in a room full of rocking chairs, dad."

I agreed and was about to check for more dust when the doorbell rang.

I opened the door to a smiling Jenny and a shocked set of parents. "Come in, come in. Jenny, great to see you again."

Before I could say anything to her parents, her mom grabbed me into a huge hug. "You amazing man."

She started crying and her husband said, "Mary, let the poor bastard go."

"Thank you for inviting us to your home, Jordan. We, um, I..."

"Oh, for Christ's sake, Mary. Jordan, I'm John. I know we met fifteen years ago, but well, you were pretty drunk. I figure you don't remember."

I frowned. "Well, it has been fifteen years," I said. "Nice to see you again. Come on, lunch is ready."

Throughout lunch, we talked about Tara, and they told me about their lives since her passing. She, of course, made a significant impact on them and they started a small charity in her name. I promised a donation and they tried not to accept. I also offered some gold records and things to auction for the charity. They were glad to accept those items.

After lunch, I showed them to my music room. I had a baby grand piano, several guitars, and a keyboard set up. Melody led them to the couch, and they all sat to listen.

"You know, Jordan, Jenny's a music teacher," Mary said, outing the poor girl.

"What?" I exclaimed. "You didn't tell me that."

"It didn't come up," she said modestly.

"Do you play piano?" I asked, and she nodded.

"Fantastic. You play the piano, and I'll play guitar. This will be great," I said. Her parents loved the idea. Jenny didn't, but after some prodding by her parents and especially my Melody, she relented.

"The sheet music is in my handwriting, but it's not too sloppy." I laughed and pointed to the piano.

I plugged in my newly returned favorite guitar and checked the tuning. "Ready?" Jenny nodded. "You've got the intro. One, two, three, four..."

She began the piano intro to the song. After a few bars, I started playing the guitar along with her. As I started to sing the verse, her mom started to cry.

The opening line was, "Your smile, shines through your pain, like a rainbow."

By the time we hit the chorus, everyone was crying. I sang as well as I could muster.

"We stand. We cry. We live. We die. But through it all, you're there. You're always by my side."

Jenny started sobbing and couldn't play any longer. I sat at the piano and finished the rest of the song with her head on my shoulder.

"And as I look into the mirror, You're always...by...my...side..."

Jenny hugged me and before I knew it, Mary was hugging me, too.

"Jesus, Jordan. That's better than 'Your Love Is My Heart'," John said, as he wiped his tears from his cheeks.

Both women agreed and they asked me if I was going to record it. I saw Melody put her phone in her pocket.

"I hadn't planned on it. That's just for you."

"Jordan, that song is amazing. It would be a travesty to keep it from the world," Mary pleaded.

I sighed. "I tell you what. I'll talk to Chris and Ryan from the band. We're playing a show together next month. Maybe I can get them to record it with me. But all proceeds will go to Tara's foundation. I won't take a dime for it."

That got me more hugs and my shirt was soaked from tears.

*****

After all of that was settled, they said they had to get going. They had a two-hour drive home, and it was getting late. For some reason, Mary made it a point to say that Jenny lived only forty minutes away. I noticed Jenny blush and decided to make a move. She was beautiful and a few years younger than I was, but I figured what the hell.

"Um, excuse me, Jenny. Could I have a word with you for a second," I asked.

I led her over to the kitchen, "Jenny, do you think we could, um, go out sometime. Shit! I'm sorry, I sound like an idiot. I haven't asked anyone out in years."

She giggled. "I'd like that. How about next Saturday, we can go out to dinner?"

I smiled. "Sounds good. I'll call you tomorrow."

She smiled. "I'd like that." She kissed my cheek and bounded out of the house, skipping like a child, which made me laugh.

Melody turned and said, "I think she likes you, Dad."

I kissed her on the top of her head, "I like her, too, kiddo."

"Dad, that song was really good. Did you write that before and change some lyrics?"

I laughed. "No way, Melody. Tara wanted me to write her a song, not change one of my other ones to suit her. I'm not Elton John." We both laughed and she hugged me.

"Well, I'm impressed." She looked sad all of a sudden.

"What is it, baby?" I asked.

"Dad, are you gonna be a rock star again?"

I hugged her, "God, no! I did that when I was a kid. I don't need to do it again."

She hugged me tightly and said, "I'm glad, I..." she paused.

"What is it, kiddo?"

"I don't want you to do drugs again."

I hugged her tightly and said, "Baby, I promise you I'm clean. Don't worry about that. I'm in a good place now."

"I love you, Daddy."

"I love you, too, pumpkin."

Christ! My daughter was worried about me doing drugs. The internet sucks. Nothing in my life was secret. There is nothing that makes you feel more like a piece of shit than your child worrying about you doing drugs again.

*****

After Melody went to bed, I called Chris.

"Hey, man, are you practicing?" he teased.

I laughed, "Yeah, I'm playing better than I expected. Listen, how do you feel about us recording a song I just wrote. Before you say anything, it's for charity."

"I don't know, man. Send me the song and I'll run it by Ryan. If he's in, I'm in."

"Look, before those dollar signs flash before your eyes, it's for charity. All proceeds."

He laughed, "Some things never change, old friend. Okay. Send me the song and we'll talk about it when we start rehearsals."

"Thanks, Chris. It means a lot to me."

"Sure, man. Get your ass in gear and learn the solos."

"Whatever, dick! I wrote the solos. No one plays them like I do."

I let out a deep breath as I hit end call. I hoped he liked the song, and they would record it with me. I knew it would do better as a Goblin Nob song than if I put it out as a solo artist. Of course, I could record it on my own with session players, but I wanted the full effect for Tara. She deserved nothing less.

*****

I woke up on Sunday morning to the house phone ringing.

"Da—yad. It's for you!" Melody shouted.

"No shit," I thought. "Who else would it be for?" I laughed as I walked downstairs and took the phone from my tired daughter.

"Hello."

"Jordan, it's Chaz."

"Chaz? Chaz who?"

"Come on, man. You didn't do that much blow in the eighties."

I sighed. I knew who the fuck he was.

"Listen, Jordan. That song is fuckin' fantastic. It's going to be your comeback hit. We have to get you and Chris and Ryan together..."

"Chaz," I interrupted, "what the hell are you talking about?"

"The God damned hit that you put on your YouTube channel. That's the best song I've heard in years."

"YouTube channel? What YouTube channel?" I shouted. I noticed my daughter slink down on the couch.

"Are you kidding me? That song has a half a million views in less than a day! You're fucking viral, you brilliant son of a bitch."

My cell phone started ringing. I walked upstairs and grabbed it. It was Chris.

"Chaz, I have to go." I hung up and answered my cell. "What's up Chris?"

"What's up! What's up! Please for the love of God tell me that's the song you want us to do."

"Let me guess," I said as I walked down the stairs. "I have a song on the YouTube that's viral."

"Dude, viral is an understatement. Hang on. Ryan is calling me."

I sat down on the couch in front of my daughter. I looked at her and she definitely looked guilty.

"Melody, why do I have people calling me telling me I'm a virus?"

She laughed, and said, "You're not a virus. You're viral, look!"

She handed me her iPad and it was cued on a YouTube video. Imagine my surprise when I saw it was my music room. I hit play and it was Tara's song, performed by me and Jenny, as recorded by my daughter in my music room the day before.

"Oh, Melody."

"I'm sorry, daddy. I have a YouTube page with all of your videos on it. Look. I even have some stuff you did in high school that grandma let me have."

"Why didn't you tell me, baby? I have all kinds of stuff you could've put on there."

"Really, Daddy? Mom told me you'd be mad about it. She said you like your privacy."

I laughed. "No, your mom liked our privacy. I have a lot of fans that would love to see the stuff I have in boxes upstairs."

"Can I post it?" she asked.

"You know what, sweetie? I may be able to put it out and sell it on a DVD or on a website. It wouldn't be bad to make some money, would it?" There I went, thinking about money again.

Thankfully, she smiled and said, "No way! Money's great. You have to pay for college, you know."

We both laughed and I hugged her. "No, more secrets, Melody, okay? You should've told me you were posting that on the interweb. Tara's family might be upset. It was supposed to be just for them."

She looked sad, and said, "I heard them say you should let the world hear it. That's why I posted it. Look, the world is seeing it. It's almost at a million views already."

I couldn't believe it. A million views in less than a day?

"Honey, is there a way for you to monetize this stuff?"

She looked at me like I was speaking Japanese.

"Okay, baby. Let me talk to some people."

She laughed and hugged me. My cell rang again.

"Hello?"

"Jordan, it's Ryan, I've got Chris on as well. Dude! We're doing that song. Jesus Christ, it's amazing!"

"That's great, Ryan. Chris told you it's for charity right. All proceeds. I mean all of it. You donate your time to cut the track. I'll raise the money for the studio."

"100%, baby. No problem. Don't worry about the studio time; we'll cut the track in my home studio. We can all produce it together. Jordan, I'm really excited about this." He sounded sincere.

"Me too, Ryan. Guys, I know we haven't really been friends for a while, but..."

"Stop there!" Chris said cutting me off. "Look, all that shit is behind us. We were mad because we felt you let us down and we said some stupid shit. No one feels as bad about it as we do, and if you've seen any interview we've done since, we've been nothing but kind. It's not like you were a fuck up and we had to kick you out of the band. Fucking Grunge killed us back then."

Ryan added, "Fucking Grunge."

I laughed, "Fucking Grunge."

*****

A few hours later, Melody and I were eating pizza at our favorite joint, when her phone rang. I left mine at home. It wouldn't stop ringing.

"Hi, Mom," she answered. After a few moments, she said, "She wants to talk to you, Dad."

"Nope."

Melody rolled her eyes. "He said no, Mom."

She shook her head, "Mom, he said no...fine!" She set the phone down and put it on speaker. Before Sara could complete my name, I hit end call.

I toasted my Sprite with Melody and she laughed. "Why won't you talk to her, Dad?"

"She broke my heart, kiddo. In the worst way and do you know why she did that?"

Melody sighed, "Yeah. She had sex with some other guy."

"No, baby. I could've got over her having sex with some guy one time, but she did it while she knew we were recording a reality TV show that millions of people would see. Do you know why I brought her there? I don't know if you remember, but it was only me that went at first."

She shook her head no.

"I asked her to come because those guys were doing a lot of drugs and drinking all the time. I needed her strength to help me through it so I could stay straight. I needed her to be strong with me, for me. She let me down in the worst conceivable way."

Melody slid over in the booth and kissed my cheek. "Next time call me. I won't let you down."

I actually cried. My little girl was growing up.

I knew why Sara wanted to talk to me. She must've heard about the song. I didn't care about her desire to tell me about her thoughts on it. I had no interest in her at all.

*****

I dropped Melody off later that day. I loved spending time with my daughter, and I desperately missed living with her full-time. I don't regret getting divorced, though. The blatant disrespect Sara showed me was too much to let slide. Being drunk isn't an excuse. Believe me, I've been drunk plenty of times and did a lot of stupid shit. Being drunk was never allowed as an excuse. I still can't stay in a Holiday Inn to this day.

Sara waved at me from the house and started running to the car. Thankfully, the house had a long driveway, and she couldn't get to me by the time I drove away. I laughed as I waved. Petty? Damn right.

When I got home, I turned my phone on and checked my home phone messages. Chaz left six messages. Screw that guy. I'd never work with whatever company he was with. I never trusted him then and I wouldn't trust him again.

There were also messages from some management companies. It's funny that no one called me for twenty years, but put a good song on the YouTube and everyone wanted me again. I had more loyalty than that.

My cell was blown up with texts and my voicemail was full. I listened to the ones from Chris and Ryan. They mostly wanted to coordinate our schedules. That made me laugh. I didn't do much of anything, so I was free all the time. I also deleted the dozen messages from Sara. Again, not going there.

I opened a Diet Pepsi and sat in my big comfortable chair. I relaxed, did some meditating, and decided to call Jenny. I hoped I didn't act like too much of an idiot.

"Hi, Jordan. We can't believe all of the views the song has. Isn't it great?"

I laughed, "Yeah, it's awesome. My phone hasn't stopped ringing."

"Oh, no! That stinks. I don't think people recognize me; I haven't heard from anyone. I didn't realize your daughter was recording us. I'd have panicked if I knew."

"Me too, I think." I said laughing.

"You're not upset with her, are you? I mean..."

"No. Not at all. I would've liked to have known I had a page on the YouTube, but I'm cool with it. My fans want to see that stuff, so it's all good."

She giggled.

"What's so funny?"

"You. You're too young to call it THE YouTube. It's just YouTube."

We laughed at my old manism.

"Okay. But I'm 45. I'm not that young anymore."

"You're as young as you feel, Jordan. I'm 33 and don't feel like it."

"You're that old, huh? Well, I think I'd better be going. I have to clip my nails and wash my hair."

"Don't you dare, old man. I'm not too old for you."

We laughed and bantered for over an hour.

"Listen, Jenny. Can I take you out for dinner on Friday instead of Saturday? I'm going to Ryan's studio to record Tara's song on Saturday. We're going to release it as a Goblin Nob single. It seems that because it's a viral hit, everyone wants to sign us to release it."

"Wow! That's great. Wait! Are you getting back together with them? That's huge news."

I laughed, "No. We're going to cut the single, release it digitally, independently, and have a one-off show next month, but that's it for me."

"Okay. Yeah, Friday should work. I'm looking forward to it."

'Me too, Jenny. Talk to you soon."

*****

Well, our date didn't happen. Someone from the press figured out that Tara's song was for the little girl from the Make-A-Wish deal in the nineties and tracked down her family. The phone calls and door knocks bugged them for a few days, and it got so bad they went out of town to some family cabin they had. Jenny promised we'd get together after it all settled down. I wasn't so sure. The good thing about it was because of the extra publicity, the donations they received for the foundation would fund it for several years and were increasing.

I flew to Los Angeles to meet Ryan and Chris so we could record the song. After some small talk and catching up, they gave me a standard contract to record the song I wrote. I signed it and we got started. I was impressed that Chris learned the song perfectly off of the video and Ryan came up with a bass line for it. I forgot those guys had serious chops and were great musicians.

We beefed it up to make it the power ballad it was supposed to be, and the recording went fairly smoothly. I was worried about it because I had never recorded sober before, and well, I hadn't played all that much over the years. I was good enough to pass muster, though. If I weren't, I'd have allowed a session guy to play in my place. Tara deserved it being the best it could be, and Chris was on my ass to make sure I was up to the challenge.

I was shocked at the complexity of Ryan's studio. I hadn't been in one since digital technology replaced analog tape, and I was impressed. The things that he could do on that computer took minutes, as opposed to hours, as it would've been in the old days.

I refused the producer credit they offered, and let Ryan and Chris take all the glory on that. They also had some kind of set up with the digital platforms already, so it wouldn't take long for the song to be released. I was shocked when they told me it would probably be by the end of the week. It was utterly amazing.

Once all was said and done, Chris asked, "Do you want to do a run through of the old songs? Are you ready?"

I laughed, "Probably not, but yeah, let's play a couple and see how bad it is."

We played a couple of our hits and after we were finished, I said, "You guys sped up the tempos."

"More energy for the crowd," Ryan admitted.

"Well, it's a good thing none of the songs are too hard to play," I said making everyone laugh.

"You've got the gist of everything down," Chris complimented. "You just need to practice and build your stamina back up."

I agreed.

"Oh!" he added. "Make sure to practice standing up. Your back will appreciate it."

"Sounds like that came from experience," I teased.

"Definitely," he and Ryan said in unison. Ryan added, "You've got to strengthen your core. Maybe do some sit ups."

We all laughed. I said, "It's hell to get old, boys."

It was nice to find that we still had a good rapport. It wasn't quite like the old days, but we were more mature. It was good, though, and I was looking forward to the show.

*****

Jenny and I texted or spoke every day. It was just to stay in touch it seemed. There wasn't any of the comfortable small talk we had on our earlier conversations. After I sent her a copy of the finished song, she called me on speakerphone with her parents and son. Everyone was crying and appreciative of the effort we put into the production of the song.

"It turned out so much better than we could've hoped for, Jordan," Jenny said. "I can't believe how quickly you put this all together."

I was humbled by their praise, "It did turn out great, didn't it? Well, tomorrow's the big day. It will be up on all the streaming platforms starting tomorrow, although one or two of them will take a bit longer."

"Jordan," Jenny said, "I've taken it off speaker."

I sighed. "Here comes the bad news," I thought.

She continued, "Jordan, I really want to go on our date. Do you think you could come up here? I know it's a few hours' drive for you, but..."

I was dancing around my living room like a little kid.