Do You Love Me

I thought about the first time I ever played in front of a crowd. It was a high school party, and I was given beer to calm my nerves. Imagine that. The first time I ever played in front of anyone, I was drinking. After that, I never played a show without having at least several beers first. That thought scared me to death—I never played a gig sober. I had a really bad feeling about my future.

*****

Two weeks later, I was in a lawyer's office in Los Angeles. In front of me was a contract to sign with one of the biggest record labels in the industry.

It was surreal. Tara's song was a top twenty hit and climbing. There was a bidding war between four companies to get us to sign. Chaz wasn't even close. His only leverage was having the rights to our unreleased record, but the company that signed us could either buy it from him or let him release it with no support from us. I didn't like that latter option, and thankfully the new label ended up buying it.

We ended up with a million-dollar signing bonus that was not an advance on our royalties. That is, each of us got a million dollars. The royalty rate was slightly less than what Chaz had offered us, but the upfront guarantee not being an advance made up for that. We wouldn't be going into debt with the label, and that was huge for us. We also made a side deal to put Tara's song on our first album, which would further benefit the Tara's Hope Foundation. It was a great deal for a band in our position; we weren't exactly Katy Perry at that stage of our career.

It was only a three-year deal. It included two new records, a live DVD, and two long North American tours.

The best part of that period was the progression of my relationship with Jenny. Once she got back into town, we spent time together every day. Most times, since I did nothing all day, I drove to her house and hung out as she finished any work she had to do for school. We went to dinner, movies, mini-golf, arcades, you name it.

I felt like I was sixteen again. I had no idea how to date someone, so I let her lead and we did whatever she wanted. A few times we took Michael with us to dinner. He was a good kid, and he generally blew off doing something with us as he knew we were getting to know each other. I was proud to be his namesake.

After our fourth date, Jenny asked to get a more personal tour of my house, including my bedroom. Of course, I agreed.

I'd like to say she was in a sexy dress that when taken off revealed sexy lingerie, but that wasn't what she was wearing. She was wearing jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers. She still looked amazing.

I watched her heart-shaped butt move sexily as she walked up the stairs to my bedroom. She looked at the gold and platinum records on the walls and seemed suitably impressed.

She kicked off her shoes and turned around. Before she could do anything, I pulled her into a deep kiss. Our tongues danced as we embraced and tried to become one. My hand found her butt and I squeezed it tightly, eliciting a moan from her into my mouth.

As quickly as I began the kiss, she broke it off and pushed me back. She smirked and pulled off her t-shirt giving me my first look at her wonderful breasts. They were just as I liked them, slightly more than a handful, with large nipples for me to suckle.

When her pants fell, she spun around and bent over at the waist to pull them off her ankles. My dick strained my pants as I looked at the view before me. Her ass was absolutely perfect. Her lacy red panties weren't thong, but they were a strange cut that didn't quite cover all of her cheeks. I could tell from the damp spot between her legs she was as ready as I was to consummate our budding relationship.

I snapped out of my daze and kicked off my shoes. As I pulled my t-shirt off, I missed her taking her bra off. My daze quickly returned as I took in the sight of her braless breasts, daring me to bury my face in them.

I didn't get a chance to begin to take my jeans off because she was on her knees before me quicker than I could snap out of my fog.

The next thing I knew, my jeans and boxers were at my ankles and my rock-hard cock was bobbing in front of her face. "Very nice," she whispered, before giving my glans a tender kiss.

She licked from the base to the head and took me into her mouth. She felt so warm, so wet, and her tongue action felt like a whirlpool. Her hands were active on my shaft and balls, giving me one of the top blow jobs of my life, and I'd been with some porn stars.

"I'm getting close," I said, making her wink at me.

She began to move faster and grip tighter as I felt myself get closer and closer to the edge. A brief moment later I was shooting, and she was swallowing. It felt incredible and it's a well-worn cliché, but I saw stars as she emptied me.

"Jenny, you're wonderful."

"Better than all of your groupies?" she asked with a surprising lack of confidence.

I laughed and helped her stand.

"Much better." I kissed her and she was hesitant to open her lips. "Jenny," I said, breaking our smooch. "Give me a real kiss, please. It doesn't bother me, as long as it's mine."

She attacked my mouth and jammed her tongue as far as she could. I wanted to laugh, but I didn't want to spoil the mood nor her enthusiastic kiss.

I cupped her butt in my hands and lifted her to my waist. I took a few steps forward and set her on the bed.

Looking down at her pretty pussy, I said, "Jenny, that's a beautiful little kitty there. It's too bad I don't go down on women."

She looked at me with shock, then disappointment, and then a smirk. "So, if I had a dick you'd suck it, but you won't lick my pussy? I never..."

I growled and dropped to my knees. After pulling her to me I buried my face in her treasure. I set myself up for her shot and she knocked it out of the park. I knew I had to give her my best tongue lashing, lest she think I wasn't kidding.

"Oh, Jordan, that feels so good." She fell back onto the bed and shot her legs out straight. I spread them as far as I could and licked her as if she were my last meal. She was so wet, she tasted so good, I couldn't get enough of her juices as I moved away from her clit to lap them up. When I put my middle finger inside of her, searching for her pleasure spot, she started shaking.

"Fuck, fuck, oh shit..." she screamed as she trembled and quivered. I wiped my mouth of her juices and pulled her limp body to the edge of the bed. My newly hard cock was ready, and I needed to be inside of her.

I slid the glans along her wet folds, moistening myself while she moaned. "Do it, baby," she whispered. I circled myself around her opening and pressed into the tightest woman I'd been with in decades. Sara never felt like that, squeezing me as I entered her. I moaned as she felt almost sharp around my base as I bottomed out.

"Fuck, Jenny."

"Mm, hm."

I began to piston and pulled her legs to my right shoulder. "Jesus Christ," she shrieked as I rocked into her welcoming walls. With her legs being closed she felt even tighter, and while I wasn't getting deeper, I was dragging my tip along her g-spot with every movement. If I could toot my own horn, I'd say she was in pleasure's heaven.

"God, yes! Oh shit, Jordan! Faster, baby. Give it to me good!"

I smiled and gave her everything I had. I flipped her prone on her stomach and slammed into her with every last bit of energy I had. I was bouncing off the bed as I pounded into her. Her stuttering moans and shrieks stopped when her body started shaking again.

I pulled out, rolled her over and drove into her again, carrying through her orgasm. I kissed her and stared into her eyes as I released my own orgasm deep inside her.

"Oh, Jordan," she sighed as I slipped out of her well used tunnel. "You have no idea how many times and for how many years I've dreamed of this."

I kissed her and said, "Yeah. You were okay."

She punched me on the chest, rolled me off her and straddled me.

"I'll show you okay! Get your stick up again. I'm gonna drive your old rock star ass into the mattress."

I laughed, but she was able to get me up one more time and she tried her best to do just that.

*****

I woke the next morning and Jenny was gone. I rolled out of bed and saw a note on my nightstand.

"Jordan, my love. You rocked my world lover. I'm sorry to leave, but I have to be at home in the morning for Michael. XXOO, Jenny."

I was disappointed, but I understood. As I had my own teenager, I knew we had to be delicate in appearances.

I knew I was falling hard for her, and I wanted desperately to make it work. I'd never felt for anyone the way I felt about her. I suppose one could say that I didn't have much experience, anyway, and they'd be right. After years of being a man-whore while I toured around the world, I married the first girl with whom I had a long-term relationship. It wasn't a stretch of the imagination to think that Sara may not have been the right woman for me. She was just the woman with me.

I shook that thought off quickly. I knew I loved her. I already felt the same for Jenny, and then some.

*****

So, I was sitting in that lawyer's office across from Chris and Ryan. They didn't hesitate for a second to sign their copies of the contract. Before I knew it, I had all three other copies of the contracts sitting in front of me, waiting for me to sign. My head started to sweat. Not just my forehead. My whole head. I felt it dripping down. My chest tightened, my hand started shaking, and I got light-headed.

All of a sudden, I felt a hand on my shoulder snapping me out of my thoughts, then a kiss on my cheek. "I will be there for you every step of the way. I love you."

"Thanks, Jenny," I sighed.

I took a deep breath and signed all four copies of the contract. That was it. I was back as an active member of the band, and I wanted to pass out. Chris and Ryan high-fived each other, and the record company exec started passing out cigars, telling us how rich we were all gonna be. Again.

As I was walking out of the office, Chris and Ryan caught up to me at the elevator. "Are you gonna be all right?" Ryan asked.

I laughed. "I honestly have no idea. I'm just going to keep doing what I do and take one day at a time."

"We've got your back, Jordan. You know that, right?" Chris added.

"I know. Let's just get through the show in a couple day and go from there."

*****

On the day of the show, I was nervous as hell. I was sitting in the dressing room off the club's stage, staring at the bottle of Jack Daniels on the table. Chris and Ryan were adjusting their wigs, having long ago decided that fake long hair was cooler than shorter hair with male pattern baldness. Thankfully, I wasn't balding. I refused to wear a wig, though. My hair was still black and looked good.

I felt a hand on my shoulder again and looked up.

"What's on your mind, baby?" Jenny asked.

"I'm going through my old stage moves in my mind," I lied.

"Okay, good," she said as she walked over to the bottle of Jack and poured it into the sink. She saw a bottle of water in the cooler, picked it up and handed it to me.

"Thanks," I said as I twisted the top of the Perrier bottle.

Ryan winked at me; I just shook my head.

"Five minutes, guys," said a voice through the door.

My hands started shaking uncontrollably. Chris saw, put his hand on my shoulders, and said, "Dude, it's going to be all right. There're barely a hundred people out there, we're going to play for only an hour, and you're going to make three-hundred grand. Take a deep breath."

I picked up my guitar, double checked that it was in tune and took the deepest breath I could. My chest was so tight, it felt like I could barely get any air into my lungs. I wasn't calming down, not anywhere close to it.

Jenny kissed my cheek and said, "You got this. You were born to play on stage. Go out there and share your talent with the world."

I smiled and kissed her back. "You know I've fallen in love with you, right?"

She smiled and said, "Thank God. I've been in love with you since before puberty."

That made us all laugh and we made our way to the stage.

The walk to the stage was only about ten feet across a hallway. Back in the day, when we were playing stadiums, the walk would've been a lot farther, sometimes requiring a ride on a golf cart. It always gave me time to mentally prepare and honestly, to have another drink before I played.

I had time for neither, I was barely able to give Jenny one more kiss before I climbed the stairs to my fate. I hoped I didn't fuck up too badly. I had no confidence that I was going to make it through unscathed or without screwing something up.

I plugged into the wireless setup and felt a surge through me. Not a shock or anything like that, but a wave of energy. I heard the billionaire birthday boy announce us, and the next thing I knew I was pushed onto the stage and blinded by the lighting. I couldn't breathe because of the fog or smoke or whatever the hell was wafting through the air.

At least I remembered the song as I played fairly well through the intro, then the verse. Then I realized I couldn't hear myself in the monitor and Ryan walked over and turned my guitar volume knob up. The fucker kissed my cheek and laughed as he walked back to his side of the stage.

Fucking wonderful! I didn't turn the volume knob up after hooking up. I was worried about screwing up and I screwed up the very first thing I could. At least I was in tune.

I made it through the first four songs without screwing up, then we played one of our more difficult tunes. I had two long solos and had to be sharp to play them cleanly.

My hands were cold, and I felt the pain in my back from the unfamiliar weight of the guitar as I walked to the front of the stage. The spotlight moved to me, blinding me and I played my ass off. I thought of Jenny and Tara, I couldn't let either down as I whirled my fingers along the steel and wood. Then I played the fast run of scales and sweep arpeggios that sixteen-year-olds sitting in their bedrooms have been trying to copy for decades.

The notes flew from my old fingers like magic. Building, ascending, creating melodic tension, until I hit the final D and bent it with all of the strength I had left. It sang, screamed, shook, and cried, and finally Chris broke back into the chorus, and I fell to my knees banging my head as if I were 22 again.

"Fuck yeah!" I thought as I stood and walked to my mike to sing my part of the backing vocals. That was the moment I knew I could still do it and do it sober.

*****

The last song we played from our set was Tara's Song. The crowd went crazy for it, and I'll admit a tear, or several, fell down my cheeks. To hear the crowd sing along with a brand-new song was shocking. It felt like 1990 all over again. I couldn't see as the tears in my eyes made the lights unbearable. I closed my eyes and threw my head back as I played the outro solo and finally the last notes.

The cheering from the crowd was deafening in the small club. I basked in the re-affirmation of our former greatness. There was no greater feeling than the feeling of any number of people voicing their love for you, and I soaked it up.

As the crowd began to quiet, I smiled and winked at Chris. I hit an A power-chord, and began to play a solo version of Happy Birthday. Just a little gift for the knucklehead who paid us a million dollars to reunite. The crowd sang along, and our host walked on stage to bask in his own glory. He gave me a hug after I finished and did a bow with the band. "What a tool," I thought, but kept that to myself.

After we left the stage, I fell into the couch in the dressing room. I had nothing left. I was beyond exhausted and wondered how I was going to do it every night on a tour.

"Jordan, you were fucking amazing!" Chris shouted as he opened a beer. Ryan agreed and took the beer out of his hand, which he poured down the sink.

"Thanks. You can drink around me. I'm not going to relapse just because I'm around some beers. I'm not that bad," I said.

The door burst open, and it was Jenny, followed by Melody and to my shock, Sara. Melody jumped onto my lap and kissed me.

"You were awesome, dad!" I laughed at her enthusiasm.

"Thank you, baby. I was really nervous up there."

"We couldn't tell," Sara said quietly.

I frowned at her presence, while Jenny sat next to me and hugged Melody, causing Sara to frown.

"Let me guess, Melody—you recorded that to put on the YouTube?"

Jenny laughed at my old man-ism.

"I did, but I was going to ask you what you wanted me to do with it."

Ryan walked over, "Part of our contract is that we can't release a video of the show because it's a private party. I'm sorry, sweetie, but that recording has to be just for you."

She glared at him then stuck her tongue out. The whole room laughed, and Ryan smiled and nodded as he walked away, sufficiently put in his place by my fourteen-year-old daughter.

Sara walked around the couch and sat on a chair in front of us. "Jordan," she said quietly, almost a whisper. "You were amazing tonight. Thank you for letting me see the show."

The confusion I felt must've shown on my face because Sara frowned. "I didn't allow you to be here. Had I known you wanted to come, I'd have told them not to let you in at the door."

She ran from the room in tears. Melody sighed and said, "I asked her to come, dad. I think it's time you got past all that stuff, don't you? I mean, you've got Jenny now, right?" She stood and went after her mother.

I looked at Jenny, and with my eyes I asked, "What was up with that?"

Jenny frowned and said, "Don't give me that look. That was horrible of you. I know she betrayed you, but she's still the mother of your child. You have to come to Jesus with her at some point in that young girl's life."

I shook my head and got up to pack up my things and head home. I didn't think I could ever have a good relationship with Sara again. I knew I was being a horse's ass, but she's the one who broke my heart. Fuck her.

*****

I was listening to the final mix of the unreleased record when my phone rang. Chris and Ryan collaborated with an engineer to do the final remix, and they did a hell of a job.

"Hi, Chris."

"Hey, man. Have you listened yet?"

I laughed, "I just got it this morning. I'm listening to it now. So far, so good. The pricks should've released it twenty years ago."

"No shit!" he agreed. "Listen, Ryan and I are both good with it. Let us know how you feel about it and we'll get it out. The label wants to release two singles off it."

"I think I know which ones. Tracks one and four, right? They sound pretty contemporary."

He laughed, "Yeah, those are the ones. They hold up really well with what's out there today."

"So, what's up? Surely that's not why you called."

"No, um, we need to push up the studio time for the new record. They added another six shows on the first leg of the tour. It'll be starting two weeks earlier, but we have to do at least the drums at Ryan's house. We'll transfer to a studio a couple weeks later."

I laughed. "Anything else changing?"

"No. You're still cool, right? There's no going back now."

"All's well on my front. I feel surprisingly good about it and I'm kind of anxious to get into the studio. I've got a couple of songs I'm working on that are pretty strong. Maybe, you and Ryan can tighten them up and consider them for the record?"

I heard him sigh. "Look, Jordan. Ryan and I have the songs demoed and ready to go, I'm not sure..."

"Hang on, hoss. If you think that you're not going to have at least one, preferably two of my songs on the record, you've got another thing coming."

"Hey, man. We're already putting Tara's song on the record. There's your one song."