DOA

I was DOA - dead on arrival. Really. I have the medical records to prove it. My story was all over the news. I appeared on the nationally syndicated talk shows. Everyone loved the part about how the ambulance crew was leisurely wheeling me to the morgue after the car crash. I suddenly sneezed and sat up, scaring the life out of them.

A publisher offered me a two million dollar book deal. Once the book was written to their satisfaction I would receive the money. We were broke, so that was great news. I gave up my job so I could spend my time working full-time with their famous ghost writer and attorney, Megan Ollan. Megan wrote my contract, then began writing the book with me, using our den as an office.

My wife, Annie, was very happy about this - the two million dollar part, not the DOA part. At least she said she was.

She began spending more time away from home. Before the book, we often met at home for lunch. Now, Annie said her job was getting too busy. My old job took a lot more time than hers, so Annie used to do most of the cooking. Now I was spending even longer days with Megan writing the book, but Annie told me her work hours had increased too. Most days she said, "Sam, at dinner time I'll just grab some takeout from the fast food joint next to my office, and go back to work." So Megan and I got carryout. Annie came home later and later, usually after Megan was gone.

We had a tight knit neighborhood. My neighbors began hinting to me that Annie was up to something. She was gone from home too much. She wasn't as affectionate to me at the neighborhood barbecues as she used to be. I assured everyone that she was just stressed from long work hours.

It didn't take long for the neighbors to get nastier. They pointed out that I was about to be rich. How stupid could she be, to start an affair now? They subtly hinted she wasn't much to look at, which made it even stupider for her to alienate me. The writer I was working with was very attractive. They said Annie should be paying attention to her man at a time like this, not out prowling around. I knew that neither one of us was much to look at. Our friends kept assuring me that I'd have an easy time catching a beauty once I cashed in on the book deal.

A new rumor spread through the neighborhood. Someone had seen Annie at a lawyer's office. I was asked repeatedly if I knew about it. I had to admit I didn't, but I assured everyone she must have a good reason.

I casually asked Annie about it one evening. She reminded me her aunt died a few months ago, and she had to take care of some business for the estate. That didn't make a lot of sense, but Annie didn't act nervous, so I believed her. The neighbors didn't.

Those same neighbors took great delight in watching Annie, to catch her slipping up. Twice they spotted Annie at a restaurant with the same good looking man. They even had pictures, which they gladly shared with me. I didn't ask Annie about it this time. I didn't think she was up to anything, but if she was, she would already have her story ready.

At last the book was done. Word came back from the publisher that the deal was approved. Annie and I took Megan out for dinner to celebrate.

Annie grew more agitated as the evening progressed. Even so, she invited Megan to our house for coffee afterward. We got settled in the living room.

Suddenly Annie jumped up and said, "You two think you're so slick. I know you've been having an affair. I was suspicious, so I hid cameras in the house and now I have proof. I hope she was worth it, Sam, because you've lost your wife because of her. I'm ready to file for divorce, and I'm going to take as much of your book money as I can get!" She stared at me in wounded triumph.

"You better sit down, Annie," I calmly replied. Staring in suspicion, she took her seat. I continued, "You are correct, we will be getting a divorce. However, Megan wrote the book contract so the money is income in a foreign country where you can't touch it. Megan and I will be getting married and moving there. You can have this house if you want it, but it isn't worth the mortgage that we owe on it." Annie's triumph turned to shock.

Then Megan said, "Correction, Sam. You should have read the contract more closely. I wrote it so the money goes to me. I was ready to retire overseas anyway, and this will be icing on the cake. So long." She stood and strolled out the front door. Now it was my triumph that turned to shock.

I no longer had a wife, a girlfriend, a job or any money. I really was DOA.