Doctors without Boundaries

I stayed on the couch watching TV, I'm not going to talk with her, knocking on our bedroom door and asking her to come out. Fuck that, she can come to me. This is all on her, she needs to own it.

It's been an hour since Emily ran off into our bedroom, I decided I needed to eat so I went into the kitchen to whip up something. As I sit at the kitchen bench eating my heated up left-over stir-fry noodles, I can hear our bedroom door open, followed by a red-eyed and still teary Emily. She walks into the kitchen and takes up a stool on the opposite side of our bench.

"John, can we talk. I need to say a few things." Emily said softly.

"Sure, go ahead, let's hear it." I replied while eating my noodles.

"First off, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, not in a million years. I never meant for any of this to happen. I really didn't." Emily offered sincerely.

"Yet, once it happened, you kept doing it, Again and again and again." I calmly responded.

"I know, I feel terrible about it."

"I bet you didn't. I bet you loved fucking him, that's why you kept doing it. You need to stop lying to me. Just be honest for once." I responded.

Emily looked away from me, breaking eye contact. She then closed her eyes and sat silently for a number of seconds before looking back at me to speak.

"You're right, John. I do love having sex with him. I can't get enough; it's like I've been addicted to it. Every time I came home to you, all I could think about was getting back there with him, to be with him again. I hate that I feel that way. I hate what I've done to you." Emily admitted.

"So, I'll ask again, why didn't you just end our marriage back then once this had started? Why lie to me, pretending that we're happily married when all you wanted to do was to fuck some other guy?"

"Because, because I didn't want our marriage to be over. I've loved you since we were just teenagers. I can't imagine my life without you, I still can't. So, I kept telling myself I could end it with him, that I'm just getting it out of my system, that I'm just having some fun and that I don't love him like I love you. I kept telling myself it would soon be over, and we'd go back to being happily married again."

"And yet, he now lives and works here too, and you've been fucking him again. That's hardly wanting it to be over or to be happily married to me. Hell, you even spent all of last night with him after I asked you if you wanted me to go with you over the weekend, for us to enjoy the hotel room together. You straight up lied to me; you were planning on being with him the entire time. None of this is by accident, you've lied and schemed for well over a year now."

"I'm sorry, it's true. I only went to Boston so we could be together, it's been hard trying to find time for us to be alone."

"Well, I'm sorry if me being around has made it hard for you to fuck someone else, Emily. You did find some time two weeks ago while I was out, didn't you? That's why you didn't want me to see you naked that day when you got home. You'd just finished getting fucked by him right before coming home to me." I added.

"Yes. I'm so sorry John, I really am."

"It's a bit late for that, don't you think? You just come home from arranging a weekend away with another guy and all you got to say is that you're sorry? Sorry for doing it, or sorry that you've been caught?"

"I know nothing I say is probably going to make this any better, for what I've done. I do love you though John, more than anything."

"More than anything? You're joking, right? You've been fucking another guy for well over a year now, not wanting to have sex with me while giving him everything. And yet you sit here with a straight face and say that you love me 'more than anything'. Do you know how full of shit that sounds?"

"I know. And I know you're hurting right now and that it's all because of me. I know you don't want to believe me right now, but I do love you, John. Honestly, I do. My actions haven't shown that, I know."

"It doesn't matter if somewhere deep in that twisted thing you call a heart, you've convinced yourself that you still love me. You're just lying to yourself at this point. There's no love between us, you took care of that shortly after going to Puerto Rico. All the lies, the deceit, the betrayal, the pretending when you got home. I now know why your phone always went straight to messages when you weren't working, it's because you were busy getting fucked by him, wasn't it? You didn't even care enough to call me back or to want to speak with me afterwards. You only wanted him. Well, now you get to have him, as much as you want."

"I couldn't call you; I was so full of guilt; I just couldn't do it. I knew what I was doing was wrong, that I was hurting you, but I can't explain it, I couldn't stop. I didn't want to."

"Well, you should be happy now. You get to fuck magic man Ryan whenever you want. You're now free to do whatever you want; I even packed your suitcases for you. See, I'm a good husband right to the very end."

"John, that's not what I want. I want you; I always have, and I always will. You're the only man I'll ever love, I swear it." Emily almost pleaded this time.

"Like I said before, it's way too late for that. If you honestly think I'd ever want to be with you after what you've done, you must have way less respect for me than the very little you've already shown. Do you think you can just say sorry and that you love me, and somehow that will make it all better? What the fuck, Emily? You've torn my heart out and trampled on it. Now you want to sit here and rub it in for good measure. Just take your suitcases and fuck off! Our marriage is over, we're done. I hate you so much right now." I replied, finally getting emotional even though I tried my best not to.

Emily's tears started to flow again as she got up and walked back towards our bedroom. I finished my noodles and opened a beer. I deserved one after all that. I walked back into our living room and sat down to continue watching the game on TV.

I'm not sure what Emily's doing in the bedroom, none of her stuff is in there any longer. She's probably crying, feeling sorry for herself that the perfect little world she'd built for herself has finally come crashing down.

Thirty minutes later, Emily emerged from our bedroom, stopping in the living room to speak with me one last time.

"John, I know you hate me right now, that I deserve it, and you won't believe anything I say. But I need to say this anyway. From the moment we first started dating in high school, I knew you were the man of my dreams, the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Everything about you was so perfect, and I loved you more than I ever thought possible.

Even in college while everyone else was having fun and sleeping around, it never crossed my mind that I'd want to be with anyone but you and I knew you felt the same way too. Then when you asked me to marry you, and we moved in together, I thought my life couldn't get any better. Honestly, I was so happy. Everything I ever wanted had come true.

I can't explain why I first slept with Ryan when I was away, I could blame it on being alone, on missing you, on whatever I want to blame it on. But I knew what I was doing, and I wanted it to happen. I knew what the consequences of that choice would be, but I've tried my best to bury that ever since, to convince myself that I'd never have to face up to it. I know, that was stupid, but I was so afraid of losing you, of not having you in my life or by my side.

I think I'd become too complacent about our relationship, that you'd always be there for me, that's the only possible reason I can think of for why I let this happen. I know I've ended our marriage with this, deep down I always knew this is what would happen. If I could take it all back and never go to Puerto Rico to begin with, I would. But that's just fantasy, I'm so sorry for hurting you. If you believe only one thing I've said, please believe that. Hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted. I hope that one day, you can forgive me. I hope that you can move on with your life and be happy again. Goodbye John."

With that, Emily turned and walked out to the front door, taking the handles of her suitcases and dragging them outside where I could hear a car waiting for her. She didn't say where she was going, if she was going to stay with him or not, and I didn't care.

I feel that her little speech is meant more for her than for me. That in some way she's trying to justify what she did in her own mind, so that she can go on living with herself after what she did. That she'd want to leave with memories of what we used to be, not what we became. And to leave me with kind words, not angry ones. But I truly believe that actions speak louder than words, and her actions have already said more than enough.

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To say that the next few weeks were difficult for me would be a gross understatement, I was even finding it hard to concentrate at work. I was almost impossible for me to not think about Emily and what she did to me. After a few weeks I finally contacted a divorce lawyer and started the process. I figured it was better to get it over with than to drag this out.

The other issue is the house we've shared, although we're only renting, we've been living here together for a number of years now. It reminds me of her, everything reminds me of her. Our lease was expiring in two months' time, and I decided to move out, to start over again. By the time I moved into my new apartment, I was hoping that this would be a new beginning, to start moving on from Emily, to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My lawyer contacted me, the divorce papers were ready to be served, and I was asked for Emily's address for which I had no idea. I advised him where she works, he should be able to find her at the hospital.

I got a call later that day from my lawyer, he told me there's been complications. It turns out that Emily no longer works at the Hospital, she was fired after Dr Ryan Knight's wife Melissa lodged divorce proceedings against her husband. He was served at the hospital and Dr Emily Walker was named in the court filings, along with their place of employment. The hospital administrator fired both Emily and Ryan, Emily for referring Ryan to them without notifying them of her personal relationship, and Ryan for not disclosing his relationship with Emily either. Basically, the hospital washed their hands of both of them.

So, where is she? How do I get my lawyer to serve her the divorce papers? I gave them her parent's address and contact details in Florida, maybe he could contact them to find out. Then there's also Melissa, Ryan's wife. Maybe she knows where her husband is living, and if he's now living with Emily.

I called her home phone number; this time I wasn't going to deceive her.

"Hello, Melissa speaking."

"Hi Melissa, you don't know me, but we've spoken before. The last time we talked, I told you my name was Kevin from Doctors Without Boundaries."

"Yes, I remember, and thank you, I guess. I might never have known what was going on with my husband otherwise."

"You're welcome. My real name is John, John Walker. I've been married to Dr Emily Walker, the woman that's been having an affair with your husband."

"Yes, I know who she is. Are you two still married?"

"Well, that's why I'm calling you. I was hoping you could help me this time." I asked her.

"I'll help if I can." Melissa replied.

"Both Emily and Ryan were fired by Elliot Hospital, due to you filing for divorce and naming them as their employers. They fired them for not disclosing their personal relationship, apparently."

"Yes, I know. I spoke with the Hospital Administrator, I pretty much demanded that she should take action, or I'd drag them through the mud too for allowing married staff to hire their lovers with the hospital's blessings. She didn't want any part of it." Melissa replied.

"Well done. Melissa, the reason I'm calling is that my lawyer is trying to serve Emily with our divorce papers, but I don't know where she's living or where she works now that she's been fired. I was wondering if you knew where Ryan is living, if Emily is perhaps living with him."

"I know where Ryan is, he's living back here in Chicago, staying in an apartment not far from our house. He said he wants to be close to his kids, I'm not sure why though. He's spent most of their lives so far living and working overseas and I don't think he'll hang around for too long. I don't know if he's dragged Emily here with him, I'm not sure." Melissa told me.

"Can I get his address and number from you? Maybe my lawyer can contact him and find out if my wife, I mean my ex-wife, is living with him." I answered.

"It's hard, isn't it? To stop thinking of her as your wife. It's the same for me. Be strong though John, we'll both get through it in the end. I'll text you his details after our call."

"Thanks, Melissa. I hope you're doing okay, too. I can't imagine how hard this would be if Emily and I had kids as well. It must be tough on them too."

"They're actually not doing too badly. I think that's because their father has barely been in their lives so far, there's not much difference now to what they're already used to. That's about the only silver lining."

"Yeah. Well, I hope you're screwing him for every dime he's got." I added.

"Oh, yeah. My divorce lawyer, she's an absolute bitch and I love her. She's really expensive too, so I'm lucky that Ryan's paying for her with all that contracting money he's made. I'm getting the kids, the house, the car, and fifty percent of his wages for at least the next twelve years until our kids turn eighteen. He deserves everything that's coming to him."

"Yeah, no doubt. Emily and I don't have much to fight over, we were just starting out and don't have any kids or a house. It should be pretty straight forward for us."

"Well, it's better to be starting over when you don't already have kids together. I don't know what I'm going to do, who wants to be with a thirty-year-old divorced mother of two? I even gave up my career to look after the kids. I'm going to have to dust off my resume and go back to work soon." Melissa answered with a small chuckle at the end.

"I'm sure you'll be fine. Thanks again for sending his details through. Hopefully I'll be able to have her served and end this." I replied.

"Okay, goodbye John. Look after yourself." Melissa replied as we ended the call.

Ryan's wife did send me his address and my lawyer got someone to check with him if Emily was living there also, but it turns out that they're no longer together, according to Ryan, anyway. He advised that she'd taken a new contract with Doctors Without Boundaries, that my lawyer should contact them about her whereabouts.

It turns out Emily is on a six-month contract in Honduras now, and my lawyer advised he has no way of having her served until she returns to the United States. I wasn't happy that this will drag out even longer. But shortly after, and to my surprise, Emily had already engaged with a divorce lawyer, serving me at home. It was straight forward; she wasn't asking for anything.

Six months later and we are now officially divorced. I haven't seen or heard from Emily during that time, and I don't really expect to in the future. I'd like to say that my life is wonderful now, but I'd be lying.

My job's fine, my family's fine, and my friends are good. It's just been hard when it feels like I've lost the other half of myself, my best friend, my only lover. I'm told it'll get easier over time, that I'll find someone new to be with. But I'm not so sure, what I had with Emily was everything I ever wanted. I don't know if I can ever truly trust someone again after what she did to me.

Sometimes there are no happy endings, just the end of what was. Then with those involved trying to deal with it, trying to move on with their lives. I hope everyone's right, that this will get better with every passing day. But right now, it doesn't feel like that. It feels like I'm just coping with it, burying the hurt as far down as I can.

I still don't understand why she did it, maybe I never will.

The End.