Donnie 01

[Wrench, twist, wipe, spit, grumble, wrench]

"Damn it [hand slam], SOB!"

Nope, that's not me, folks. That's Chet, LOL, working on his aunt's riding mower. I'm Donnie, the one just standing off to the side, who is not twisting a wrench or grumbling to the air.

"What are you doing there, Chet?"

"Back off, Donnie, I mean, hey Donnie, um, on the surface, I'm smiling and keeping my aunt's riding lawn mower running."

"And under your breath then, Chet?"

"Spitting, grumbling, nicking my knuckles, hand slamming this flat piece, bitching and things like that. Oh, and wondering why my Aunt Tina just won't just hire a lawn service."

"Well, you know, if her one and only nephew ever visited her more often for like literally any reason, that could be discussed, but that's your business. Anyways Chet, what about the other thing you're doing right now then?"

"Um, I'm bitching, grumbling, slightly bleeding, spitting, hiring a damn service, um, Donnie, I think I just about covered things, so?"

"Oh, I mean, what about how you're turning your jeans, which weren't garage jeans earlier this morning, into your next pair of garage and driveway repair jeans then?"

"Oh, [looks down] add that to the list then. Also, SOB!"

Guys, right? My jeans will be fine because all it takes is a twist of a screwdriver. Hah!

"Anyways, I'll leave you to it, but just a kind word, take your time while you're eating whatever your aunt makes you for lunch and talk to her a little. People need the family love, Chet. Also, there's one dry spot left on the driveway, so."

[Spit, ewe, gross]

Anyways, hey there, I'm Donnie and I'm no Don or Donald. I have puffy cheeks and I highlight them Donnie style. I have brown eyes and I bring them front and center, Donnie style. And you and I will never ever argue about how you should refer to me because as I just said, I am not a Don or a Donald.

And even if my lifestyle isn't much up your alley, I think you will cut me just enough slack to get us both in trouble, unless you're a straight up hater, which I think I would have figured out in advance, so that confrontation would probably never happened anyways. And I'm the nice one too, so even a CD hater will get my best cheek turned to them. And as I also just said, they're puffy and alluring, so drop your macho guard and chit chat with me.

Oh, and if you're on the fence about things, well, that just works in my favor. I mean, some straight up haters don't and won't and most CD lovers want something within the first minutes of saying hello, so balancing on the top of the fence can be the most engaging and delightful, so balance away then.

And all of that makes me, in my opinion, approachable, so come and say hello. LOL, that's me hanging out at by the last fence post, waiting to chit chat with you. And all I can do is to apologize that I don't have something up top for you to eye ball as you stand high above me on the top of the fence, but that's how it goes.

Anyways, it's not a crime to chit chat with me in public or in private, so don't forget that. I'm just a human who dresses the other, not the enemy. I may like to chit chat a lot, but I promise you, "calling" someone out for having certain tendencies isn't my thing. I may not be looking for a boyfriend, but I want you to come back, so any and all chit chatting, no matter how ordinary or playful, is zipped up tight between you and I, promise.

Also, I guess "chit chat" is basically my catch phrase.

And finally, maybe, I mean, if it appears that I'm too focused on sizing you up the first time we meet, just cut me a little slack then. It's not a big secret that sometimes a CD isn't appreciated and then bad things happen (straight up haters), but with all the effort I put into making my puffy cheeks Rosey, it just doesn't make sense to walk into a situation with my guard down. I mean, I may still be learning things about makeup schemes, but I'm pretty sure that I will never purposely brush them purple, so I don't need any hater to give me a store sample of how that might look, right? I mean, just play along with me while I give your knuckles a quick once over, alright?

LOL, but if you respond fairly quickly that your knuckles only have fight marks on them from how you were recently working on your aunt's riding lawn mower, LOL, I'll be inclined to believe you.

But back to my friend Chet and his slightly nicked up knuckles from keeping up with the repairs on his aunt's riding lawn mower. Hmmm, Chet, right? Obviously, he knows about me, but we didn't go to school together, so he's more of an acquaintance than an old friend, but, LOL, I have watched him nick of his knuckles for over a year since I bought the house next door to his aunt's place. Which, LOL, means we have a fence between us, but I'm not saying that Chet is on the fence about things. But I might be saying that once or twice his knuckles got nicked up because he was looking at me and not paying all that much attention to what he was wrenching.

"Well, Chet, just make an effort to say good bye after all this and don't be afraid to ask me to soak your nicked up knuckles, again!"

And Chet is totally on the fence about what he would like to do with me, LOL. But all guys want to leave a little something behind, right? I mean, the wind blows or there are leisure shorts in his eye sight or someone makes a warm solution in a large bowl to soak nicked up knuckles and things like that, right?

[Barely knocks on rear patio door]

"Fine, Donnie, I ate slowly and then I chewed properly and then I chit chatted with Aunt Tina and blah, blah, blah, so."

"Cool, Chet, you're back in the will then, LOL. Anyways, Chet, give me your jeans and I'll spot wash them for you before they officially become repair Saturday jeans then."

So, huh, I mean, so that's what a person's face looks like then when the wheels in their head start to turn then, eh?

"Well, Donnie, I don't think we need to go there today, so? I mean, am I just supposed to sit here in my boxers and do nothing then?"

Blind guys, right?

"I mean, I didn't scoot the end table closer to end of the couch for nothing. If you would stop staring at me and look a little, so?"

"Oh, huh, a large bowl of a warm nicked up knuckle soaking solution, a towel, a beer and the TV remote then, huh?"

"And don't forget the "feel better" question, Chet, so?"

[LOL, lifts the bowl and remote looking for a piece of paper with the "feel better" question on it]

"Ugh, Chet, if you think it embarrassing to sit around in just your boxers in front of me while I tend to your jeans, I mean, I'll match up with you, if that would make you feel better, but I warn you, I haven't worn boxer shorts in a long, long time, so?"

LOL, nope, now that's what a person's face looks like when the wheels in their head crank it up a notch!

"Don't sweat it, Chet, it's just an option, not a mandate."

[Holds up and inspects his soon to be garage and driveway repair jeans]

"Alright, I can spray the smudges with a pre-wash spray, give the wet spots a good spot scrubbing with a wet wash cloth and then dry the little wet spots with a hair dryer. I mean, unless you would prefer that I quit in the middle of the process so that you drive home with little wet spots on your soon to be garage jeans, so?"

Oops, my bad, that's how a person's face looks when the wheels in their heads approach light speed!

[Beer opens, Chet stands as per the hand wave motion]

"Well, I've never unzipped a guy's jeans before and I don't feel lightning striking me, so."

[Zip, zip, zip, push, wiggle, waggle, push, oh, push, push, lift, tug, lift, tug]

"LOL, Bucket List #2 checked off then. Sit, soak, drink and LOL, stare, Chet."

[Clink, clunk, slide]

"Ooh, Donnie, I mean, did you just lock your front door then?"

"Locked, deadbolted and chained, Chet. I mean, I'm sure that you would prefer that this very private moment stay private, right?"

"Damn it, Donnie, are you going to match up with me no matter what I say then?"

"Oh, that offer is still on the table, Chet, but it's your call to make now, so I'll just be right over here tending to your jeans then. And by the way, Chet, while I'm setting up the Ironing Board for my work and cleaning surface, I mean, I would never let on that you told me anything, like you know, what the people say behind my back and all, so, feel free to spill it, Chet."

I mean, it's written somewhere that staring and gawking is uncomfortable, right?

"Um, um, um, I mean, I mean, Donnie, yea, people may yip about this and yap about that when it comes to you, so."

Well, that statement struck a nerve within me. I mean, all this time I had been so focused on all that chit and chat stuff and boom, yip and yap was right in front of me and it sounded so much better!

[Boink.]

Um, nope folks, that wasn't me going all boing and stuff, so.

"Well, Chet, I really like how you just said that about yip and yap and from now on, I'll be wondering what people are yipping and yapping about me then, including all of my neighbors, so thanks for the new catch phrase then."

[Wait, what? Donnie starts performing impromptu improv then????]

"Yip and yap, yippy and yappy, yip this and yap that, cool. Hey, Mr. Kerns, are yipping over me today? Shut it, you delicate little fem boy, but I might yappy fappy for you if you would take more time getting your mail then! Oh, hey, Mr. Derns, did you still want me to yip you then? I mean, duh, funny boy, but a follow up bent over yap would be nice too. OMG, Mrs. Peter's, you want me to yippy yap your hubby while you watch and then yappy yip yourself then, LOL. I like it, Chet. I yip and yap now, so."

[Worse improv ever. Donnie shouldn't quit his day job]

Last time, I promise, but, LOL, that's the look of the wheels in a person's head as they grind down from metal-to-metal contact without proper lube then. Complete with a little bit of smoke.

"I'm not afraid to match up with you, Chet."

"Ugh, Donnie, just keep your shorts up and get on with it then."

I mean, I was just trying to even things up, that's all. I mean, I'm not saying that we were a couple or anything, but surely there were couples who yipped and yapped with each other in just their undies, right? LOL, like behind their locked and deadbolted front door, LOL.

"Sorry, Chet, my yippy yappy bad, so."

[Sets up Ironing Board in plain sight]

"Hmmm, maybe about 30 minutes with this spot cleaning project, Chet, so feel free to snatch another beer anytime you're ready. Or ask me to get you one."

[Pre-wash spray, allow to soak, gentle spot scrubbing, things shake while gently spot scrubbing, shake]

[Chet is not eyeing up the TV. LOL, and not watching where the beer can hole is]

[Wet cloth dap rinse, wet cloth dap rinse, oh, things still shake during wet cloth dap rinsing then]

[Oh, yippy yappy, is that a hair dryer or a nuclear power plant tool?]

[Brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, grr, grr, grr, grr, grr, brr, brr, brr, grr, grr, grr, grr]

[Time flies when you gawking at things that shake, I mean having fun]

[Spread jeans over back of couch, plops down on couch with another beer]

"I guess you're pretty much all set then, Chet. And chill the hell out with the wide eyes and spinning wheels in your head. I mean, I just asked to match up with you in just undies just to have that level of experience, but I'm not complaining today either. So, you are free to put your somewhat cleaned jeans back on and get about your day then, Chet?"

I mean, Chet still didn't ask me to match up with, even though I think that everyone knows that leisure shorts with an elastic waistband and an untied draw string just drop with a simple flick, but as I said, I had a little experience under my belt and lightning didn't strike me in the ass, so that was that, right?

[Poke, poke, poke, rub, rub, poke until it pokes out of the boxer shorts fly]

"Just checking, Chet, I'm not quite like that, so you can get dressed and be on your way then."

I'm sorry, this is the last time. The look of shock and awe? I mean, as I just said, leisure shorts just drop with a flick and I stood up and yippy flicked once and yappy pushed once and ta, da, I matched up with him. LOL, and then I freaked out being in just my undies and t-shirt in front of a guy and plopped right back down on the couch and curled up! Because I wasn't sure of what the yippy yap I was doing.

But still, lightning didn't leave more than a small mark on me, so.

"I seem to be curled up on top of your jeans then, Chet, so?"

I mean, I never took Chet for much of the "on the attack" kind of guy, but he kind of went on the attack and it didn't take very long before we were basically a rolling heap in matching half-dressed style. And it was totally 50-50, well, 60-40 in his favor because he knew a little more than I did, but I rolled, I yipped his lips and I yapped his boner (for my first time) and I mean, maybe it was the lightning strikes or just the way things go with grunting and all, but his thunder was yippy yappy powerful and LOL, icky sticky gooey, but that was behind me then.

Which is another thing he wanted afterwards, to be behind me, but thanks to the loud yips and yaps from his aunt next door looking for him, that would be, if ever, for another day.

End Donnie 01