All Comments on 'Donovan Chronicles: Awakening Ch. 01'

You've a wonderfully detailed turn of phrase, of observation - you could be very good, very good indeed. "teeth breaking through yellow paint of pencil, the taste" ... this is the sort of detail that could make for really great erotic writing! So you need to be ruthless about dealing with the things that let you down, that stopped this reader reading it all: eg: mixed tenses in the same sentence (present tense, past tense). As a rule of fumble, I'd recommend it all be in 'past tense' even if there's immediacy; not: 'he says' but 'he said'. It's easier to read. And synonyms! 'rocked on his heals' (heels!!!) - check those out, there/their, etc. Get a friend with a gimlet eye to read them over, to edit. A few plot twists and uncertainties in your characters and their motivations wouldn't go astray either. But you've definitely more potential than most. Descriptions like 'herd of students' - excellent; brain-catching. Try reading some non-erotic works by masters such as PG Wodehouse or Terry Pratchett - authors whose effortless flow results from meticulous work - and you'll see what I'm on about.

Those Nice first Chapter of the story that you wrote. I like how you had the character of Donovan go from having parents and a loving home in Ohio to move in with friends of his parents that he knew nothing about. I wish you would explain how he moved in with these people and how they were friends with his parents in the past. That seems that you forgot to put on details about the family he moved in with. I like how Vicki the daughter was able to help him with the blow job in the car and also in the house after the party. I can hardly wait for the next chapter.