All Comments on 'Dorm Room Eye Opener'

Wonderful first submission! Your story flowed well with a sweet and well thought story line.I'm saving this for a reread at a later time as I do with stories I really enjoyed. A big Thank You for sharing this and I'm hopeful you will continue writing here. I'll look for more of your work.

I just loved it! Very nicely started and ended and very gorgeously written about what happens first time. Your first story is amazing and keep writing beautiful story like this.

Very nicely written and you made me all wet. Some nice descriptive terms too which I'm going to steal. Please write some more.

Ugh. Christianity dead. Lets all worship Gaia or Practice Chakra Activation because that is real.

Not religious but these stories are annoying considering that most "Religious Girls" are not chaste.

I like this story, it is not only about sex, but also very loving

Nice for a first submission. If I were you, I would expand it to draw out tension. Rather than have Ruth be completely clueless, I would have her be sexually illiterate but able to just sort of sound things out for herself, so to speak. That is, while asleep or not paying full attention to her actions while awake, she clumsily rubs herself or semi-purposely bumps into counters or couch armrests when aroused. You can still have her mostly suppress her urges.

If you decide to expand and serialize it, you should start with snippets from their first meeting, Ruth being a dink about the way Phoebe dresses and acts, set up an example of Phoebe exhibiting her cerebral palsy, and have Phoebe educate Ruth about cerebral palsy, too.

Build up to them having slightly sexual conversations. Maybe they need to study anatomy for their classes and future careers. Maybe Phoebe is going to be a physiotherapist for disabled people (though she jokes about wanting to become a gynecologist but thinking that she should not because her condition might cause her to, at worst, disturb or, at best, masturbate her patients) and Ruth originally wants to be a real estate agent who mostly plays the good traditional wife (she wants a job of her own as a permissible "fuck you" to her parents--a small act of defiance). Your story's late middle, ending, and all of Ruth's discussions with Phoebe got me thinking: Ruth should become a social worker that consults with a group for LGBTQ+ teens who have to leave home due to bigoted parents.

Regarding Ruth catching Phoebe masturbating: I would make that a scene unto itself. Ruth hears Phoebe rubbing one out and wakes to find she is wet and humping the edge of her mattress or a balled-up bit of her blanket. I leave it to you decide if she remembers bits and pieces of a sex dream about Phoebe as she wakes, wakes from experiencing the residuals of a slight orgasm beside from the noises Phoebe made (maybe she mistakes her bladder as full for the sensation), and/or is not fully aware and largely in denial about catching Phoebe jilling.

Maybe she asks Phoebe something like what she does in your story, but Ruth shifts the discussion to her fear that she somehow caught an STI because she finds her vagina gets wet and creamy at odd times. She worries because her vagina aches not entirely unpleasantly and leaks a sweet-smelling viscous fluid. She asks if she might be diabetic because they learned about physicians tasting pee in ancient and medieval times. You would make my day if you got Ruth to make a Ben Shapiro reference about being too wet.

I would displace by at least a day or two and more gradually evolve the first "getting horny and rubbing each other off" bit. Ruth seems too quick to get into it. Maybe set up Ruth feeling weird about the anatomy textbook and classes. Then, later, when Phoebe explains how to properly masturbate, she starts with a textbook, then uses OMGYES or IFEELMYSELF or something like that, before later using herself and Ruth as the tutorial resources.

The rest I would keep more or less the same. I would have loved for the scenes to have been a bit longer, though. More guilt and overcoming it, too, would do the story well. Teaching Ruth to shave and giving her a helping hand would make for a nicer, more organic initiation point for (at least moving toward) teaching Ruth to masturbate. Phoebe's common practice of complimenting Ruth's body to make her feel valid and beautiful, given the situation (and stimulation), Ruth's nerves, and Ruth's suppressed appetites, makes Ruth dripping wet. Phoebe still exercises restraint, though she very much wishes she did not need to (and is beginning to realize she might not need to). She introduces Ruth to the textbook and the online videos then goes for a walk to give Ruth space to explore. When Phoebe returns, she finds Ruth frustrated, trying to study, absent-mindedly touching herself and recoiling, and obviously not riding high on post-orgasmic bliss. Ruth complains that she could not figure it out on herself and is beginning to think that she is getting signs that she is not supposed to do it... Much the same stuff you wrote happens thereafter. Masturbating on the same bed then progressing from there.

It would be delicious if, at the late middle, you lengthened the schoolgirl scene's roleplay element. Have Ruth "needing help to study". For instance, she "needs help finding the clitoris" and "figuring out orgasms". Then her phone rings. And the tone is WAP. Phoebe, playing a conservative Christian tutor or teacher, acts outraged. Maybe some spanking occurs to "punish" Ruth. Maybe Phoebe can play a parody of WAP (the one where Shapiro is made to seem like he is singing the song) to wake Ruth up for dinner.

Still, your story, as it is, is pretty good. I look forward to seeing more from you, perhaps more of this story's events and background details. Thanks for writing your story and putting out the messages you did.

Not good. Don't expand this story. "Degrassi" its been done. The reruns are out there.