Down & Up The Road Ch. 04

I turned and walked from Sarah's house without saying another word. I drove straight to the mall, and forced my way past the barrier into the construction area of the new store. I was determined to catch them both and fully confront my cheating wife.

I was disappointed to find the place empty, and looked around the area closely as I tried to picture the adulterous behavior of the mother of my children. I was sick and empty and finally left, more heart broken and disappointed then than full of rage. I stopped in at the old store and saw Teri, one of the employees I knew. She seemed surprised and a little concerned to see me there and asked if I was looking for Sandy. I told her I had gone to the new store space and didn't see anyone there, and Teri seemed almost relieved. I told her to tell Sandy that I had stopped by when she saw her, and left.

As I walked through the parking lot, I passed behind a pickup truck with the driver still seated behind the wheel. His head was thrown back like he was really into the music on his stereo, and I smiled as I heard him yell out with enthusiasm. Then I felt almost embarrassed as I saw other movement in the truck and realized a girl was performing oral sex on him. I had no idea that it was probably my own wife giving him a blow job. Neither Sandy nor I had given or received oral sex before so it was not the kind of thing that would have immediately popped into my mind at first sign, and I remember thinking, my god, was the whole world going crazy with sex.

When I took driver's education as a prospective teenage driver, an important component to the course was a module referred to as "defensive driving". I had accepted the wisdom behind that concept and constantly tried to prepare for the unexpected by imagining the worst things that could happen on the road, then I would determine the correct way to handle the situation safely so that if the unthinkable ever happened, I would have already rehearsed the corrective measures and could act almost instinctively. I applied the same philosophy in everything I did, but I never imagined in my most impossible imaginings the things that were happening then and had not rehearsed any method of handling them sensibly.

I spent most of the remaining afternoon driving and parking and sitting and thinking. Late in the afternoon I ended up in the lobby of a law firm where a good friend of mine worked. I asked the receptionist if David Larsen was available. She paged him, gave him my name and then invited me to sit for a moment. "Mr. Larsen will be with you as soon as he finishes with a client." She said, and I sat down and tried to find a magazine to occupy my thoughts.

"Ted! What brings you in here?" David's voice rang out waking me like the morning alarm. "I just stopped by to see a friend." I said, and then awkwardly I continued. "Actually, I have a troubling situation, and I need some advice." David sensed a low demeanor in me and quickly led me into his private office. I spent about 40 minutes bringing him up to date and rehearsing the body of evidence I had acquired to that point. He agreed that the evidence, although circumstantial was powerful and convincing. He advised me briefly on some points of law and procedure and told me that when I was ready he would help me secure the best professional assistance available and stand by me throughout a divorce proceeding.

When I left the office I was much less worried about divorce and all it implied, but at the same time wasn't overly anxious to plunge into proceedings and end everything. I still loved Sandy, incredible as that may seem. I've always believed that whenever someone develops a strong loving relationship with someone else, it's reasonable to assume that the feelings of love were based on something tangible. If circumstances or thinking changed, an adjustment could be necessary. That didn't mean the original basis of love and the love itself should never have existed, or should be destroyed and denied in the process of healing and recovery. It simply meant that things proceeding on from that point needed to be adjusted or modified in accordance with the "new thinking" or the "new circumstances".

It sounded simple enough as I rehearsed it in my mind, but I knew it was going to be a lot more complicated than that in reality.

I had to get home and pick up the kids from Sarah, and I still hadn't found Sandy yet. We fixed a light supper and the three of us ate together. It wasn't uncommon for us to do that, but it struck me hard that this was probably the way it would be from then on. After dinner, I spent a couple of hours playing with Tyler and Jessica, and we read some of their favorite stories together. I always tried to help them both read all the words they could, and the older they got, the more they competed with me for reading time. They were both ready for bed by 8:00 and were sound asleep thirty minutes later.

By 9:00 I was a nervous wreck, and couldn't stand to just sit around and wait any longer. I made a couple of quick calls, and soon had arranged for Sandy's sister Karen to come over for an hour or so, so I could handle a quick emergency. When Karen arrived I was brief and told her I had to hurry because I was too late already, and then rushed out.

I returned to the mall just about closing time and found the construction area already locked up. The metal security gate was already down at front of the old clothing store, but I could see at least one customer still inside with a sales associate and Teri closing out the day's receipts. When the gate was lifted to let the shopper out I was able to get in. The associate didn't know me but Teri said it was alright to let me in.

When Teri and I were alone, I asked her, point blank, what was going on with Sandy. She hung her head, dreading the conversation and then finally admitted going into the construction area and finding Darren, but not Sandy. Then she told me about seeing the clothes, underwear included lying on the floor. A few minutes later Sandy had appeared wearing the dress Teri had seen on the floor, and she was certain that Sandy wasn't wearing anything beneath it. She asked me what was going on, as though I knew all about it, and then admitted that she felt sure Sandy was being intimate with the contractor, in fact she was sure Sandy knew what she thought and was making no effort to hide it.

Teri was concerned and supportive, she said she hoped she was wrong and that I deserved better. At about 10:30, I finally left and didn't know if I could stand to go home or not right then. Throughout this whole odyssey, I had dealt with every emotion imaginable, anger, indignation, jealousy, pain and humility, and one other emotion that confused me and made me angry all over again; arousal. Why on earth was I aroused when I watched Sandy masturbate on the living room couch? Why did my cock get stiff at imagining the pictures of sex associated with her wet panties and the construction area I had wandered through?

As I mentally pictured the wanton and reckless passion in her acts of adultery I saw the vivid image of lust that enveloped her on that couch. All I could think of was how much I would have loved seeing that intensity and passion during our own intimacy, and I felt devastated at the knowledge that I had not unlocked that kind of lust in her myself.

In spite of what women and girls had told me for years, there were very few of them who could actually live with a perfect prince charming happily ever after. Some people would maintain that in order to be appreciated, your companion or sweetheart needed to see the less desirable side of you from time to time. "You need to treat her like shit occasionally, even if you have to pretend, if you want to keep her interested." Some friends would say. "I can't do something out of character." I would argue. "If I want to treat her well, I can't pretend to be a bully just so she doesn't take me for granted. I can only be who I am." Well, Ted." I finally had to say to myself. "See where your high principals have taken you now."

After beating myself up for another twenty minutes, I ended up back home thanking Karen for her patience. She sensed trouble in my burdened countenance and asked pointedly what was wrong. I had to let loose at least a little, and finally admitted that I was afraid her sister was involved with someone else. The idea of that was so foreign to anything she could have imagined that she just stood there open mouthed until I thought she would faint for lack of breathing.

"Ted, what in the world do you mean, involved? She said.

"You know Karen; I think she is having an affair with another guy."

"You're crazy!" She sputtered almost out of breath and in shock. "Sandy loves you and the kids more than anything in the world. She would never put your marriage in jeopardy."

"I thought so too Karen, but there's just too damned much evidence to deny it." I said, and then I spent the next twenty minutes summarizing the things that had led me to what I knew. By the time I had finished, we were both crying and fighting against anger and shame. We agreed to keep things to ourselves for another day, until I could at least confront Sandy with the everything I already knew. I was still anxious to find out if there was another side to this; any kind of reasonable explanation. And I wanted to know if she still loved me for that matter; maybe even find out if she ever really had.

Karen left for home, only a little less burdened than me, and after I looked in on the kids several times as they slept soundly in the dark, I settled into the chair in the corner of the front wall, away from the door. I sat there in silence for well over an hour, I don't really know how long. At some point I got up and shut off the lights, just to enjoy the cooling comfort of the dark. My pulse raced like an athlete doing short wind sprints whenever a car passed by, until the headlights of a noisy truck illuminated the front of the house as it turned into the drive.

The curtains covering the front room window had never been designed for complete privacy so by standing toward the center of the room, I could see clearly anything in the driveway. There was enough light that I could see the blond tussled hair of the male driver and the bare skin of shoulders and breasts of my wife Sandy sitting close to him. They started making out as soon as the truck stopped and then without a lot of urging her head bent toward his groin and I could see she was taking his naked prick into her mouth. I was sickened and frozen to my spot as I watched the unmistakable signs of sexual release of the guys face, and then she sat back up and slowly put her clothes back on.

I had been ready to charge out the door to attack the truck driving shit, but held back because what I really wanted and needed most urgently was to be alone with Sandy, now while the emotion and evidence of her adultery was fresh and undeniable. She was the one I wanted to deal with, and I didn't want the shit head there for distraction at the moment. As she prepared to leave the truck, I returned to my seat to wait.

I had had a lot of time to get ready for her arrival, and had been quite calm before they showed up. Now I struggled to bring my anger under control as she fumbled with her keys. She stepped into the house and stood still for a moment while she accustomed herself to the darkness. I watched her there, just the dark silhouette of the woman who I had promised to make my life with. In that strange instant, I felt a calmness cover me and knew that in many respects this was a stranger in my house. Not necessarily a threatening or menacing one, just someone who was curiously unknown to me and to my kids. She turned on the small lamp at the end of the couch and then jumped back almost afraid as she sensed then saw my presence. We both stared at each other for a moment, I'm sure she was more uncomfortable than I was and then I simply asked her what was going on. When she asked what I meant, and what I thought I knew, I gave her a brief summary of the highlights from my interviews and discoveries during the past few days.

We spent a lot of time that night talking about what I knew and Sandy cried a lot as well as she reluctantly confessed much of what I didn't know. An interesting thing happened during all of this that night, the longer we went on and the more she said, the more she seemed to try to hold back. Not just details of her confession, more to the point it was her explanation and justification for the behavior if there was one. When she admitted to having sex with Darren, it was because he seduced her, almost against her will, because she was vulnerable.

She couldn't say there was a problem with my love making technique or admit the problem was with her perception and attitude toward it, but obviously there was something, and she was unsatisfied if she was "vulnerable" as she said. All I could do was open the door and let her wrestle with the demons within. I couldn't cure her, neither was I inclined to destroy her. Important choices were in her court, and the choices she made by herself would determine if she would bet let back into our world to participate in the adventure of life with us. As you may have learned in Sandy's story, ultimately she couldn't make those necessary choices.

I felt sorry for Sandy and for our kids more than I felt sorry for me when the divorce was finalized. How do you explain to young children, that the person who gave them life more than anything else couldn't be there all of the time for them while they grew up? My biggest concern was to make sure they knew it was not their fault that their mother and father couldn't live together, and that their mother still loved and valued them even though they would live with me. Tyler and Jessica were still confused, and missed seeing Sandy every day terribly, but she took the time to come by often so we could both make the adjustment for them as easily as possible.

There were a lot of anxious moments throughout that year with the divorce procedure and adjustments to be made. To the best of my knowledge, Sandy never saw her contractor boy friend after the night I confronted her. He was a bit of a problem for her because he tried to force his way back into her shambled life. I contacted the company Sandy worked for with Teri's assistance and let them know what had been going on. I even told them I would sue them for a share of responsibility in the destroyed marriage if they didn't aggressively look into the probability of financial mismanagement and abuse on his part since he held some control over the one authorizing payments.

When they asked how I would react to possible action against Sandy, I simply told them she was an adult, and if she did something wrong she needed to be held responsible like anyone else. They thanked me for the information and promised to keep me informed throughout their process. Sandy probably lost her job with the company largely on my account, but it didn't add to the problems between us. They sued Darren for abuses they could document and eventually ran him out of business in the process.

I know Sandy went through some real depression for a period, and things got pretty desperate for her, but she pulled herself out and went back to work. I just shook my head when I found out she was working as a stripper at a nude exotic dance club. It didn't surprise me. The day after the confrontation I was approached by one of my fellow workers. The guy was arrogant and petty and spent more time complaining about everything around him than in making valuable use of his time.

He didn't have much use for me and I knew it; "apple polisher" was one of the terms he regularly used to describe me. I think it pissed him off that I was usually selected to take the responsible lead in projects. He thought he was more capable but always overlooked, and resented being forced to work under my direction.

On the day in question, he was trying to hide a huge grin about something he thought would really get my goat. He placed a pair of sheer sexy panties in my hand and said, "I thought you would want to get these panties back to you wife Ted. She lost them at Lamar's (the strip joint) last night."

"Thanks Dickey." I said without batting an eye (his name was Richard). "I'm sure she'll be glad to get them back." In side I was fuming but I think I pulled it off without letting him see me upset. With all I already knew and the things Sandy had confessed to the night before, it didn't really surprise me, it was just one more component of damming evidence in the pile. Sandy had later admitted to stripping naked when I confronted her. Much later she admitted to her powerful exhibitionistic desires and confessed that she really enjoyed being the object of sexual interest from so many men.

As Sandy told you, she stripped at Lamar's and on the road for about seven years, and made a lot of money in the process. I can only imagine how active her sex life was during that time. We never talked about that when we saw each other with or without the kids. When Tyler and Jessica were both teenagers, each one of them learned more details of their mother's adventures and activities.

When they found a little information on Sandy's behavior on their own they each separately asked me about it, they were ready for the whole story. I spared no detail, and at the same time made no accusations or bitter judgments. I let them both know that I had loved their mother deeply and would never deny it, accordingly I assured them that I loved her still, just like they did. When Jessica asked how I could still love their mother in spite of how she hurt me I said that Sandy had really hurt herself more than anyone else, and that no good purpose was served by me denying the good and honest love I had committed to her from the beginning.

I would still love Sandy, or anyone that I ever truly loved. I took a loving hold of Jessica's shoulders and looked her square in the eye. "Know this Jessica, I will always love you like this as well. Nothing can ever change that."

Tears cascaded from Jessie's eyes, as we held each other more tightly and securely than ever before. When we could finally speak again, she looked up at me through sparkling eyes, "I love you daddy, and I always will too." "That's great honey." I said. "Never turn your back on love. That's one thing there is no limit on. The more you have the more you can get, and whenever you put any of it back on the shelf, it will leave a hole inside that can't ever be filled by anything else again. Make sure you always love your mother as well, I don't want to see any holes in you."

We've always been close as a family, with Sandy in it or not. Her leaving left a big hole, but it was the kind of hole that can be filled back up. A year and a half later I met someone else who lit up my life again. Her name was Maria Elena Para. She had grown up in southern California and moved to Idaho when she was going to college. When she finished school she stayed in the area and worked. She was twenty six when we met, and I was like everyone around her, instantly taken in by her warmth and genuine love of life.

The company I worked for did a lot of business with the organization she was with. We met by accident one day when someone I was working with suggested we go down a certain corridor because there was a hot looking chick he wanted to see up close. We did and we met; I was impressed enough to make sure I remembered her name but still not anxious to jump back into a relationship quite yet. A week or two later I was in the same building again and as I passed the office she was in I saw her sitting at a desk. She hadn't seen me, but there was a thrill that picked me up and that old nervousness associated with the mating dance that made me pause in the hallway. The impulse grew, and compelled me to turn around; I went back to her office and peered through the doorway. "Hi," I said. "You're Maria, isn't that right?" "That's right." She said with a warm smile, "and you're Ted." My heart actually fluttered when I heard her speak my name, I was flattered that she had remembered.