All Comments on 'Down Bad In Dayton: Prelude'

Thank you for your story.

Let me describe you the main points from my point of view:

The chapter is short.

It is not a story, but just a description of two events.

The title says prelude, but has no number (which would help to sort the chapter if you wrote more).

The readers have no idea how many chapters you intend to post.

The readers do not know whether you have already written more chapters.

The readers do not know in which intervals you are going to post your chapters.

You repeat a part of the story - error?

The character Angela acts very quickly, does not use birth control and then wants to open the relationship? No explanation given here.

The friends are depicted as intelligent and condone the relationship with Angela. So you want to make us believe all those clever men do completely mis-judge Angela? Even though they know what disastrous effect her promiscuous behavior would habe on Sean?

My conclusion:

You will have to make a big effort to keep the readers interested in your opus.

I wish you luck - you seem to have good writing skills.

Poor, you repeat yourself with no real reason. The guy is obviously a loser.

I'll give you one more chance. This is just a prelude? Tell a story or don't.

Before you post another story, re-read this one to see what you did wrong. It should be obvious unless you actually wanted half of it to be repetitive,

As others have said, half the text is repeated and I assume this is some sort of cut and paste error? Then what is the story about? Why didn't you just write the story and post it?

It might be good so I'll read your next part but please indicate -even roughly- how long the story is likely to be.

Since he's gone through this twice now, I'm hoping he has a plan to teach Angela a lesson.

The story was very disjointed and became confusing. Plus they "...continued on expanding their game, until they were unable to unload it on a major company for a large amount of money, with royalties." So, if they were UNABLE to sell their game, how would they get royalties?

It shows promise so keep at it. But no need to repeat the action/story twice.

Why did you repeat the whole thing?

Hard to say. Interesting so far.

I think you meant to say "they were able to instead of "unable to". The story line does seem to be repeated twice unless I missed something? I will definitely read the first chapter to see how it develops, no promises beyond that however.

Rosenkavalier summed it up pretty well. Maybe use an editor to clean things up. You have a good start but are teetering on the edge of interest.

I was generous and gave it a 3 star rating. The storyline was interesting, but, you seemed to repeat the first several paragraphs of the story at the end, making it seem like you had no idea how to end the story, so you just copied and pasted from the beginning.

Fuck right off for wasting my time asshole.

That was a real mess. Did you even proof read this once?

1 star - not a very good start when you repeat yourself in the first page.

Just barely enough to get me interested in the next chapter.

At least he has the guts not to stay with them once they have "the talk".

You NEED an editor. If you had one, you wouldn't have repeated the whole first part of the story after sandwiching-in the brief conversation in the bar with his buddies.

You also need to use tags, and if you are writing a story that will be in multiple posts, say THAT up front, and when the next part(s) will be posted... it will help keep away the 1-bombs you're going to get for this.

WTH

I went back and re-read your story, but I still could not find out who Sarah is, When you start in the middle of an adventure, please help you readers to catch up.