Dreaded Days

"So do you want me to call you Alexandra now?"

"No, silly, you still get to call me Alex. We're buddies and always have been."

"Sounds good. Any other big changes?"

"Yeah," she laughed, "I even went on some dates."

She sounded almost excited about that, but there was something I had to ask and it wasn't easy. "Uhhh..."

"What? Out with it, Grant."

"Alex, your dates...were they with boys...or girls?"

"What?" she exclaimed, looking shocked.

I was so embarrassed, but I could see she was expecting an answer. "Alex, it's just that, well, that was the one thing you never wanted to talk about back in school. I always told you about my crushes and how hard it was, but you never said a thing about yourself. I thought you were having, you know, sexuality issues, that you might be a lesbian or something. I knew you were going to a therapist so I assumed...."

She blushed before hiding her face in her hands. When she finally removed them, she shook her head in disbelief before laughing.

"You honestly thought I was a lesbian?"

"No, not really thought it, but thought you might be having, you know, doubts? Wondering? Hey, I even wondered for a while before you moved if you might end up with Corrie Thompson someday."

"You bastard!" she said with a laugh before reaching across the table and punching my arm. "Corrie Thompson? Not even making me be a good lesbian."

I looked a little sheepish when I replied. "Yeah, last I heard from my mom, Corrie was married with two kids. She wasn't quite the lesbian I thought either."

Alex's eyes twinkled as her embarrassment turned to amusement, but we were interrupted by the server.

"Do you get home much?" asked Alex when our order was in.

"No. I go see Mom every couple of months but don't really see anyone else. What about you? Have you been back since your parents moved?"

"No. My step-dad took the job in Phoenix that fall after we graduated from high school, so I haven't been back since then. Maybe now since I'm so much closer, but I don't know who I'd go see. You're here and there's really no one else that would care, other than your mom."

"Alex, she'd be glad to see you, but surely there's someone else? In all those years at home, didn't you ever have a crush on anybody?"

Her green eyes looked sad as she shook her head. "Nobody that cared."

"Ah ha! Was it Byron Quigley? I bet it was Byron, wasn't it? You helped him on a paper or something a few times." While Alex had been our valedictorian by miles, Byron had been our quarterback and was VP of our graduating class. He'd always been so popular he barely gave anyone the time of day, especially Alex, except when he needed her help.

"Grant, please," she said, barely audibly.

"Alex, I can have Mom check around to see—"

"Grant, Mrs. Patterson asked me to help Byron with her English assignments so he wouldn't get kicked off the football team due to his grades. Please, just drop it!"

She was loud enough this time that a couple of people at a neighboring table turned to look at us. I stared back and they quickly looked back at their plates.

"I'm sorry, Alex. I just thought—"

"No, that was the problem, Grant. You always thought with your little head rather than with your big one, always chasing after the pretty girls rather than the ones that...shit, just forget it."

"Alex," I said, reaching out to touch her hand, "am I missing something?"

She had a pained expression as she looked at me in disbelief. "Grant, you always missed everything."

The way she said it sent a chill through me. My hand, still holding hers, was trembling as I asked, very tentatively, "Alex, did...did you like me as more than a friend?"

With a sharp action, she pulled her hand away and laughed sarcastically, much like the Alex of old. "Why the fuck does it have to be today, of all days, that the lightbulb finally comes on?"

I couldn't believe it was true. "Why didn't you say something?"

"Grant, if you'd wanted me then, you'd have noticed. But no, you chased beauty instead of brains, over and over, and, while I was book smart, I was stupid enough and loved you so much I tried to help you win that instead of me."

No, I couldn't believe it, but in thinking back, it was so obvious. She'd probably always liked me but I'd never considered her as more than a friend, leaving her to play the rebel, the outcast of our class. As a result, while she'd had some friendly acquaintances, she'd never been particularly close to anyone that I could recall, and she had probably been glad when her parents moved to Arizona so she could escape it all. How many times had she helped me, building up my courage, helping me with planning, making me have a chance with the girl of my dreams, all of whom turned out not to be.

"Alex, I'm sorry, I didn't have a clue. Ever. You were my best friend and I never even thought..."

"I know. It's the past, so let's let it lie, okay?"

We were silent for a bit, with each of us staring down at the uneaten slice of bread on the little plate before us. I'd at least added a bit of butter; she hadn't touched hers. I reached out, tentatively, and slid my hand into hers, resulting in the tiniest of smiles before her face went slack once more. Still, she didn't let go, and neither did I.

"Two Caesar side salads," said the server a few moments later. "Parmesan cheese? Pepper?"

"Cheese, please," she said.

"So tell me about your job," she said, trying to change the subject as we nibbled on our salads.

I succeeded in hemming and hawing about mine and she did only slightly better about hers. We kept up a reasonable conversation until our entrees arrived, and then became silent for a while as we ate.

My mind was swirling in thoughts and emotions, but I'd answered one burning question. I wouldn't be, as Alex so bluntly put it, pursuing beauty this time. I'd go see Miss Janie Edwards after I was done with Alex, thank her for our time together, and tell her that I wouldn't be attempting to continue our relationship. Of course, when she heard this, she might take it calmly or she might scream, but it was, after all, three dates, so if screaming was involved, it would just validate my decision.

"Grant, do you still have the shirt we bought at the mall? You know, the "I hate Valentine's Day" shirt?"

I chuckled. "With you looking so gorgeous, I'm glad I didn't wear it tonight. I almost—what?"

"You really think I look nice?"

"Alex, nice doesn't come close. For the first time in my life, I've realized that my best friend is as pretty on the outside as she's always been on the inside." While it's true that Alex wasn't supermodel beautiful like Janie Edwards, she was very pretty in her own way and I realized that was more than enough for me.

She smiled wistfully before replying, "Grant, please, don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Flatter me."

"It's not flattery if it's true, and this time, it is."

She glanced at me under her brow before quickly looking down, but for that instant, I think I saw her smile.

After dinner, I excused myself and went to the restroom. While there, I found a text from Janie.

JE: It's almost 7 o'clock and you haven't called.

Making a final decision, I typed.

Will be there about 9

I quickly turned off the phone to keep it from buzzing when I returned to the table. On returning there, we talked about old times and new for a few more minutes before I said, "Alex, you said it was in the past, to let it go, but, the whole time we've been together tonight, I haven't been able to get you out of my mind, so what I'm wondering is if we could get together again sometime soon, but this time for a date?"

She was shaking her head, obviously skeptical. "Kind of like this?"

"Yeah, well, sort of, but you know, more, to see if there's any—well, chemistry?—between us?"

"I don't know, Grant. I think that ship sailed a long time ago."

"Nothing to say that it can't revisit the same port, is there? You know, to give us a second chance, to see if, in addition to being my best friend, you might someday be my better half, too?"

She looked at me intently, looking into my eyes, but she finally shook her head. "I'm sorry. I can't."

She gave me a little hug as we left the restaurant and then, with sadness in my heart, I watched her drive away.

***

My mind was in turmoil at just after 9 when I knocked on the door to Miss Janie Edwards' apartment, but not over my decision on this.

"Grant!" she said, dressed to the nines. She looked as pretty and as excited as I'd ever seen her. "Come in."

There was no hesitation as I replied, "Thanks, Janie, but I can't."

"What do you mean?" Her face clouded, confusion overtaking her at my lack of enthusiasm.

"Janie, I like you a lot, but I came by to, well, say goodbye."

Her face went slack. "You're kidding me."

"No, I'm sorry. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I have to make some changes in my life and you're part of that. I can't see you anymore."

While prim and proper, I'd also discovered that Miss Janie Edwards of Belle Meade had quite the vocabulary when in a private setting, so I half expected her to tell me what I could do to myself in no uncertain terms or maybe slap my face, but she loosed only a single, almost-silent expletive before saying, "This hurts and I'm really disappointed, Grant, but I appreciate you being honest. You made me feel good the times we've been together and the thoughts I've had looking forward to seeing you again, but if your heart and head aren't both in it...."

When she paused to take a breath, I said, "Sorry to hurt you, Janie; that wasn't my intent, but I think it would be a lot worse when it finally happened a few weeks or months down the road."

"That's true. Goodbye, Grant."

"Goodbye, Janie."

I turned and walked away.

***

Chapter 8--Monday, February 14, 2011--Almost three years after graduation

While Alex and I weren't dating, we were friends again, so we got together a few times in the months following our dinner, and then, over time, more regularly after that.

One night while we were playing darts at a local bar, she said, "I'm beginning to worry about you. You haven't said a word about your love life recently. Are you trying to protect my feelings? You don't have to, you know. I'm a big girl now."

"No, it's not that, Alex. There's just not much happening on that front. I'm really busy at work and doing the night classes for my MBA. There's one young lady I met that I sort of have my eye on, but haven't decided if I should pursue her."

I prided myself on always being open and honest with Alex, but in this case, I was lying through my teeth. Yes, I had my eyes on a young lady but I'd met her about nineteen years before. As for whether I should pursue her, there was no doubt in my mind about that, but I had to wait until the time was right, until Alex might be more receptive to my love.

For yes, I realized that I really did love Alex, and as we got together each time, that love grew and it became harder and harder for me to hide it from her. She was traveling to Phoenix to see her parents over Christmas, so at Thanksgiving, she went with me to see my mom back in our hometown. Mom was so excited to see her, and we had a wonderful time. When we got back to her apartment, I carried her bags to her door and gave her a hug and kissed her cheek.

"I love you, Alex." The words, whispered, slipped out before I thought about what I was saying, but we were clenched in a tight embrace and I only felt her give the slightest flinch in reply. My breath caught and I had to force myself to act natural, thinking she'd not heard me or perhaps misunderstood what I said or about how I'd meant it.

"Goodnight, Grant," she said before kissing my cheek again and going inside.

I thought about it, worrying, hoping I hadn't pushed too far, but when we talked that week, she was as cheerful and happy as ever, not mentioning my completely truthful blunder, so I said nothing more about it, thankful that it hadn't ruined our friendship

It was after our next get-together, where I accompanied her as her "plus-one" to her office Christmas party, that she surprised me when I took her home.

She gave me what had become our usual goodbye hug but before she let go, she whispered, "I love you, too, Grant."

This time, my heart practically stopped, and, in shock, I drew back to look into her eyes. She was smiling and she put her hand on my cheek.

"Al—"

"Shhh!" Her fingers touched my lips to shut me up and then, and, for the first time ever, she leaned up and kissed me on the lips, short and sweet, before telling me goodnight and going inside.

***

I didn't sleep much that night, feeling a mixture of excitement at the possibility and dread that if I didn't know how to proceed. I finally sent a text.

Can I come over & talk with u?

Alex: Please do. 2?

I was so nervous I was there by 1:30 that Sunday afternoon. Coming in from the grocery store a bit before 2, she surprised me by tapping on my window, leading me to jump, her to laugh, and the two of us to share a big hug when I jumped out of the car.

After helping her with the groceries, we had a seat on the couch and talked, openly and honestly about what we'd experienced over the past ten months being friends once more.

"Alex, we weren't dating, but in just being friends and spending time together again after so long, I've fallen in love with you. Will you give me a chance to prove it and see where it might go? Will you be my girlfriend? You know, just you and me, a couple, exclusive?"

"I didn't expect it either," she said, "but when I felt it happening, I tried to resist it because I didn't want it to be like back in high school where I had the feelings and you always had someone completely different in your sights. I couldn't help myself, though, and I couldn't stop it, no matter how hard I tried. I'm in love with you, too, Grant, and yes, I want you to be my boyfriend."

We sealed our new status with a tentative kiss, much like that of the previous evening, before we leaned in and started exploring. Alex let me take the lead as I moved and gently probed, meeting her tongue for the first time.

She was breathing hard when we parted. "Wow. That was...wow."

I started to lean in for more, but she put a hand out, stopping me.

"Grant, if we're going to be a couple, there's something you need to know."

"Alex, what is it? You know you can tell me anything."

"Well, I've...ah...had some dates, but...well, I'm not very experienced and have never had sex."

With the confidence she now exhibited and as great as she looked, I was shocked but tried not to show it. "Never?"

She shook her head. "No. I dated some in college, but never had a real boyfriend and never even kissed like this. Mom always said I should wait until I met the person that I loved and wanted to marry before I went too far. That's what she did with my dad, but it was more than that."

"What do you mean?"

"I waited through high school, hoping that someday someone would notice me."

I felt bad that I'd always moved from crush to crush, never giving her a thought beyond friendship, which may have contributed to her introvertedness and the way she hid herself in dark, frumpy clothes. "I'm sorry, Alex. I've noticed you now and I don't want to be without you any more."

"Hmmm...step one of my nefarious master plan is complete: get him to notice me...how many years later?" She said it in a silly, villain-type voice, but I still sensed a bit of pain in her comment.

"Please, Alex, give me a chance, okay? I think I've matured at least some in recent years, so I'm hoping it will be enough that we can be together and have a chance of making a go of it."

"Let's hope," she said, finally giving me a big smile before sinking back into the comfort of my arms around her.

"Grant, I wanted you back then and wanted you to be my first, but when that didn't happen, I finally realized that I wanted what my mom had said, love from the person who actually loved me rather than you taking pity on me or some random guy that I might just hook up with. In college and since, I've waited and looked, but I never found anyone who wanted me for me rather than for sex. Guys would say they'd wait, but...well, they didn't want to wait for very long so they'd move on, and now, well, here we are."

"Yeah, here we are and I'll be here with you forever, Alex."

"You'll give me time?"

"As much as you need."

She kissed me again, this time being the aggressor, before twisting around and really snuggling up against me. She felt so good in my arms and I was getting excited as I held her, trying to twist a bit to hide it and keep her from seeing just how hard waiting for her was going to be.

***

Alex spent a week in Phoenix with her mother and stepfather, and I think she was bored silly. We talked for hours some days, and texted more times than I could count. We went on real dates in the weeks that followed, sometimes during the week when I wasn't in class. Our make-out sessions became more intense as we became more comfortable with each other, and we both started letting our hands roam, though always over normally exposed skin or clothing; I was very careful not to push her too far.

It was early February when, while holding each other close after an intense make-out session, Alex put her head on my chest and asked, "Grant, do you think you can come here for Valentine's Day?"

"Sure, sweetheart. I'll come here and pick you up and we can go wherever—"

"No. Come here, stay here. I want to fix a special dinner for you."

"I'd love to," I agreed, silently abandoning my prior plans for the evening. A special dinner with Alex sounded like even more fun, especially if I could add a little more excitement for her.

***

I was wearing my nicest suit with a light gray shirt and a red tie. The scarf in the pocket matched the tie, and I was smiling when I knocked on Alex's door. I had a dozen roses in one hand, a bottle of wine in the other, and what I hoped was a loving expression on my face when she opened it to see me.

"Holy fuck!" she said, her eyes wide on seeing me so dressed up.

My eyes were equally wide, seeing her look so sophisticated in a little black dress, a matching necklace and bracelet of red beads, and a little waist chain of linked hearts. Her sandy blonde hair was up, exposing her neck and shoulders and I would have told her exactly how gorgeous she was if she'd said almost anything else.

As it was, I burst out laughing at her comment, she laughed, too, and we pulled each other into our arms and kissed right there in the doorway.

"Alex, you're absolutely beautiful," I finally told her before we went inside and I kissed her again.

"Thank you, Grant. You look so handsome yourself. I couldn't believe it when I saw you and, ah, that just slipped out."

I chuckled, "You've never been afraid of a well-placed expletive, have you?"

She grinned. "Nope...not if it's the right one. Want some wine? Dinner will be ready shortly."

Dinner was great, and we retired to the sofa with fresh glasses of wine after the table was cleared.

"Grant, I have a question. Do you still hate Valentine's Day?"

I looked at her and shook my head. "No, not really, I always dreaded it more than anything, though there were a few years when I'd have kicked it in the balls if it had any—it seems like it's kicked me enough. "After last year, though, I was actually looking forward to this one. What about you?"

Alex looked pensive. "I've always hated Valentine's Day, though not the day so much as the date. It could have been any date, but the bad luck of the draw pegged 2/14 and I've been stuck with it ever since."