Drug Trial

I chilled for the evening and dressed for bed much as I had the night before. Again my dreams were of me as a woman, though sometimes with Andrea, sometimes with the landlord's wife, and sometimes with other women. I woke up during the night to pee again, and went back to bed, hoping against hope that my dreams would be more normal.

I had packed male clothes which I took with me to the test center the next morning. With luck, I'd be wearing them home. They gave me the full gamut of testing again. I swear, I don't think a vampire would take more of my blood than they were. As noon rolled around I was still there, waiting, since they would want to run tests on me after I changed.

As one pm passed with no changes, they said they'd like me back the next morning, and paid me for an extra day. While I needed the money, I'd rather have had my masculinity back. I visited the psychologist again and she tried to reassure me that the odds were still that I'd return to what I'd been, and that I should not be too upset about it all.

I can't say I was truly upset. In one sense being female was fine. Really the only time I noticed what was between my legs was when I peed or had sex. I was attracted to women, but never thought of myself as particularly masculine. I was just me -- Bobby. I think in part it was that I felt slightly more vulnerable as a woman than as a man.

Sure, even a male can be beaten up or brutalized. Maybe it was more than I didn't like drawing the attention of men. I wanted to just go unnoticed my males, but that wasn't the case since my metamorphosis. I liked my anonymity but it disappeared when I got boobs and a pussy. Could I handle not being anonymous if I didn't change back?

Honestly, the odds were now narrowing. Instead of six to one that I'd change back, it was now only three to one. Every day that I stayed as I was decreased the odds further. I had to face the fact that while I still might return to being male, I also might not. A part of me was saying that I might want to get used to this.

That night while I slept, my dreams were again of me as a woman. I never thought there was anything to dreams, but found myself wondering whether my dream self knew something that even the doctors didn't know. Or could it be that they had a clue, but just didn't want to tell me quite yet. They quickly sent me to the psychologist, after all.

I returned to the test site the next morning and they ran all the usual tests, including taking still more of my blood. Okay they only took a tube a day, and blood donors gave a pint, which was far more, but I still was weary of so much blood being taken. I stayed there until past noon, at which time I hadn't changed and got paid for one more day.

The money was nice. I'd now gotten $2000 from them which made my lack of a job far more tolerable. At least I knew I wouldn't be out on the streets for a while. I did go online and applied for work at a few places that had openings. I hadn't gotten any requests for an interview, but until I knew for certain what I would be, that was probably better.

I decided after the testing, to splurge on a six pack of beer and a few snacks. I'd had little chance to indulge in either as my money ran out. Even if I did change back tomorrow, I was still in better financial shape than I'd been in a while. As I got to the store, I saw a car leave, and it looked like Andrea was driving. There was a sign on the vehicle saying it was grocery delivery, so it might have been.

I might not want to think of myself as staying female, but if I did, might I have a chance with someone like Andrea? Was it worth giving up my masculinity to get Andrea or someone like her? Certainly not. It might be a consolation prize though. I thought about these things as I headed home with my beer and snacks.

As I arrived, I saw the landlord heading toward my apartment, and others in that area, so I wandered farther off, keeping an eye out until I thought I saw him head back out of there. I quickly ducked into my place when I figured he was otherwise occupied. I looked around my tiny flat and didn't see any signs that he had been there, so he might well have been going to an adjacent place.

I popped open one bottle of beer and put the rest in the fridge, then got a small bag of kettle cooked chips and indulged. After only two beers, I already felt a buzz, so I guess my alcohol tolerance left with my male parts. I decided to stop and save some beer for tomorrow, particularly if it turned out that I didn't change back tomorrow.

I checked my email and found that one of the companies that I applied to wanted me to come in for an interview. It was Friday, since I had gotten my test drug on Monday. I emailed back suggesting Tuesday of the following week for the interview. By then, I will either have changed back or know for sure that I won't. Shit, if I don't change back, I'll have to buy female business attire.

That was something to worry about later. There was no reason to buy anything before I had to. Beyond which, there was a decent payday if I was stuck this way, so I'd be able to afford it. While I needed the money, I was not looking forward to a big payday. I'd gotten a nice amount already and felt that would be quite enough.

Given that it was Friday, and I had some money, I'd normally have been tempted to go out. This wasn't normal though and even with the buzz of a couple of beers, I had no intention of going to any club. I know that I wouldn't be obliged to go home with any guy, but I also know that most of the guys there would be looking for a woman to take home.

I might have the body of a woman, but I still had no interest in men. My curiosity about my current body didn't extend to wanting to let some guy stick his cock in me. Sure, I'd had my brush handle in there the first night, but that is rather different from letting some guy do me. I did feel horny, but was not even sure I wanted to do what I'd done that first night.

Still, I felt my pussy tingling and getting wet at the thought of renewing my acquaintance with my brush handle, but I wasn't drunk enough to actually do it. I made myself some dinner and settled in to watch the tube and just zone out. Eventually, I went to bed, where my dreams were still of me as a woman. I wondered still if somehow my brain knew something that the doctors didn't.

.......................................................................................

The next morning I went back to the test site. The time passed and I was still female, so I hadn't changed back after five days. They paid me for an additional day, but the psychologist was not there on a Saturday, so I could not talk to her, even though I'd have liked to. Instead, I found myself talking to one of the researchers.

"What are the characteristics of someone who doesn't change back, versus someone who does?"

"That's part of what we're trying to establish."

"You don't know?"

"We don't have anything conclusive."

"It's been five days, and I'm wondering whether or not I'll change back."

"About 30% never change genders. Another 30% change back after two days. Roughly 10% change back on the third day, and 10% by day five. So at this point, it's a fifty-fifty chance that you'll remain female."

"My dreams every night have been of me as a female."

"Wow. We haven't tracked things like dreams, but that might be a signal."

"So I'm likely to be stuck this way."

"We don't want to jump to conclusions. You still are statistically as likely to change back as not."

"I don't know how to be a woman. I don't know anything about being a woman."

"If that ends up being the case, our psychologist will help you through. You knew that was a possibility coming into this test."

"It seemed unlikely then, but seems a hell of a lot more likely now."

"Don't get too concerned yet. You still have a reasonable chance of this reversing."

I left, but deep in my gut, I knew whatever their statistics were that I was going to stay a woman. I picked up another six pack of beer even though I still had four left of the first one. Then I headed back to my flat and decided that it was time to get drunk. I made sure the door was as securely locked as I could get it. I even blocked the door with a chair, just in case.

I put the new six pack in the fridge and grabbed a bottle from the first one. I downed it pretty quickly and got another. I drank it before the buzz even started to hit and grabbed a third one. By the time I finished that one, I could tell it was starting to affect me. I wanted to forget everything -- the test, the fact that I'd spent most of my life as a male, and that I was going to spend the rest as a female.

I finished beer number four and just leaned back on my sofa and fell asleep. Again, my dreams were of me as a woman, but now they included me making love to other women. Andrea was among them, but there were other almost faceless women who I dreamed of intimacies with. I knew what I had done to women previously and dreamed of doing that and having it done to me.

I woke up sometime later, went to pee, and then just stumbled to my bed and passed out again. About 4am my stomach was rumbling for lack of dinner. I grabbed a quick sandwich then went back to sleep. By the time I woke up, I wasn't particularly hung over, but my clothes were a wreck, and I didn't have many clean female clothes.

I felt pretty certain I wasn't changing back, but could not bring myself to spend more on women's clothes until I was absolutely certain. I had a clean pair of panties that I put on, then got the bra they had provided. I'd been wearing sports bras since that first day. I decided to wear a pair of my old jeans and an old tee shirt.

I took the female clothes I had and put them in a backpack, figuring I could wash them after my clinic visit. On the off chance that I changed back, I'd just take off the bra and wear the panties until I got home. I didn't want to have to mess with one more garment and I could copy with wearing panties for a half hour until I got home. The jeans and tee were what I'd worn as a guy.

If I changed back, I figured I'd wash the clothes before donating them, but I suspected I'd be wearing them. Of course, I didn't change back, but remained female. They didn't give a further breakdown, but I suspected that not changing after six days meant the odds were now that I'd remain female. Then again, I had suspected that for a few days.

I stopped at a laundromat on the way back, and washed all my female things, apart from the panties I was wearing. There were washers and dryers where I live, but that would mean hanging out where the landlord could perv on me, and I didn't want that. It wasn't like it would have saved me any money to use the equipment one place or the other.

I didn't feel like getting drunk tonight, as I had last night. After I had clean clothes again, I went to a thrift store, just to see what I might be able to find for my interview Tuesday. I felt ever more sure that I'd need female clothes by then. I found some nice women's slacks and tops, still in great shape, and some even with the tags on them. I went ahead and bought them while I was there.

Was it fatalism or pessimism? I don't know, but I went ahead and got the clothes figuring that I would need them. I took everything back to my flat and put it away. I got on my computer and applied for more jobs, because I doubted that the upcoming interview would get me a real job. I took a selfie of myself as I now looked, but decided not to update social media until it was certain.

I wondered whether I should set up a new online profile as a female rather than changing my existing one. I didn't exactly have scads of friends anyhow. Which was worse, to have a new profile with no friends, or to try to explain what happened to my existing ones? I hadn't told my parents about any of this. How were they going to take it?

If I was going to stay as a female, I guessed I'd need to shave armpits and legs, and probably trim the hair around my pussy. No, I didn't have to, and I knew there were a few women who didn't. I suppose it was crazy, but I decided to go ahead and do that, rather than wait until it was certain. Maybe it was more fatalism, but I decided to do that.

A part of me felt certain that I was not going to change back. I went in the bathroom, got my razor and first shaved my underarms. I had to use a mirror to do that, but managed without any nicks. I did the legs, and that got a little tricky, mostly on the backs of the upper legs. I basically used scissors on my bush and thought about shaving part of that, but decided against it, for now.

I still had about 18 hours during which I could return to being male, but felt the odds were against me. I debated whether I should even bother to take a change of clothes with me the next day. I decided I should, even though I felt certain they would not be needed. I wore panties, a long tee, and sports bra to bed that night, which was how I'd largely been sleeping since turning female.

I woke in the morning, feeling resigned to my fate. I went to the testing site, where they ran more tests. By the early afternoon, it was obvious to everyone that I was not changing back to male. They did a few more CT scans and MRIs before turning me over to the psychologist. I think she expected me to be more distraught than I was.

"You've taken this better than I expected."

"It wouldn't do me any good to be upset."

"No, but a lot of males would have gender dsyphoria being stuck in a female body."

"I signed up for this knowing that was a possibility."

"I'd like you back here at 4 o'clock to join my support group for people who didn't detransition."

It was almost 2 o'clock by then, but I went to grab a late lunch before meeting the group. I found a donation box, and left my male change of clothing there. I now had more money than I'd had in quite some time, so I splurged on a gourmet sandwich from a nearby deli. It was turkey breast, mushrooms marinated in white wine and crisp bacon slices with garlic & herb butter.

I made my way back to join the support group and found the room where they were meeting. I walked in and took a seat, then looked around at the other women in the group. I was shocked to see a slightly familiar face among the group. Andrea sat across from me and looked as shocked to see me as I'd been to see her.

We began by introducing ourselves by name and telling something about who we were and had been. We had extended discussions about how we were coping with our changes. I sat in shock much of the time. Occasionally, I'd glance at Andrea and find that she had been looking at me. I'd stare at her, only to look away when she glanced at me.

At one point, Dr. Wilson encouraged us to make friends with others in the group and to find one or more buddies that we could call on if the stress of the change got to us. Of course she was also available but it gave each of us an added resource to help handle it. I guess it was like a male anonymous with someone to get us through the tough times.

"Bobby, I'm Andrea. We met briefly the other day when I delivered some groceries to you."

"I remember you."

"I must have only been slightly ahead of you in the program. I joined this group on Friday."

"Today was when my change was locked in."

"I didn't realize you were -- "

"Same here."

"You're really cute, but it would feel weird to get involved with someone who used to be a guy."

"Believe me, I get it."

"We could be support buddies though."

"I know Dr. Wilson encouraged that."

"You don't think you'll need that?"

"I do, but I'm drawn to you but repelled by the fact that you used to be male."

"We don't have to be in any way intimate to be support buddies."

We agreed to talk a bit over dinner. We each made it clear that it wasn't a date and we'd each pay our own. We went to a moderately priced chain restaurant that wasn't too far. We ordered food, but passed on any alcohol. Andrea was cute, but I was not at all ready for sex as a woman, particularly with a woman who used to be a man.

It seems Andrea had been Andrew and had been living with a woman until she decided she wanted something else and moved out on him. Much like me, Andrew was then struggling to keep up rent, utilities and such on only his salary. He supplemented his regular pay with doing grocery deliveries, but still had trouble covering it all.

He entered the drug test as a way to get some easy extra cash, much like I had. And like me, found he did not change back to male. At least he had a job, which was more than I'd had. He and his girlfriend had been sharing a more expensive place than mine, so without her contribution, he was really pinched. Andrew, now Andrea was attracted to women, which is why she'd flirted with me.

Much like me, she hadn't told her family about what had happened. They were more homophobic and transphobic, and were likely to react very badly to being told. Andrea had a brother and sister, but she had not told them yet either. The brother was much like the parents. The sister was more open minded but also less likely to keep a secret.

I had no siblings and knew at least that my parents didn't seem openly homophobic. Still I was reluctant to talk to them even though I knew I needed to. Andrea and I commiserated and decided to try to be some support for each other. With the payout from the test, we were each in better shape financially than we'd been beforehand.

She had dropped her second job, but still had to go to her first one, so she left and I went home. I had not seen as much of my landlord since the first couple of days, but I really hoped to avoid him. I did a little research on the company I was interviewing with tomorrow, so I had a better understanding and could speak more intelligently.

After I finished that, I decided that I had to call my parents. My mother answered the phone, since my dad was likely still at work. Mom also worked but didn't put in the kind of hours dad did.

"Mom, I hate to tell you this, but I got involved with a drug test."

"You aren't messing with illegal drugs are you?"

"No, mom, this was a test run by a pharmaceutical company for a new drug they want to introduce."

"You're in good health, aren't you? What kind of drug is it?"

"It is a drug that's supposed to temporarily change a male to a female."

"Why would you ever do that?"

"I got involved for the money. I've been out of work for a while, and you and dad, are barely making it as it is."

"So the drug temporarily turned you into a woman? That explains why your voice seems higher than normal."

"For most subjects, they turn back into men within a week."

"Most subjects?"

"A few stay women."

"Oh shit, you aren't telling me...?"

"I'm one of the ones who didn't change back. Your son is now your daughter."

"I have to sit down."

"Apart from being female, I am still in perfect health."

"What are you going to do? Does that mean you're going to be with men now?"

"Hell, no. I don't want to sleep with men."

"So you'll be a lesbian?"

"Basically -- once I find a woman I like."

"You know how stupid it was to do this?"

"Yeah, but it seemed to be a matter of do this or live on the streets."

"Shit, living on the streets would have been better."

"Come on, mom, you've lived as a woman for forty something years. It may not be ideal, but it sure as shit is better than dying."

"It's a shock, and it isn't easy to deal with."

"How do you think I feel about it?"

"So what are you going to do now?"

"Try and get a job. Try to find a nice girl who likes girls."

I talked more to my mother, then went out and changed my profile on social media to show myself as I now was. Andrea called after she finished as her job and we decided to get together again tomorrow after I had my interview. I gathered up all the rest of my male clothes and got them ready to donate. I had myself a good cry when I was done.