Ed and Diane, a second chance

I sat in the circle, my hand holding a cup of coffee I wouldn't drink just for the warmth. The hard plastic chair was already becoming uncomfortable. The usual group was in attendance, they called it a loss support group, but I couldn't help but feel that none of these people could possibly understand what I was going through. Besides myself there was John, Paul, George, Joni and Tiffany. Those weren't their real names, I never bothered to remember. I just liked the Beatles and 80s music in general. Everyone was a singer to me. Hell the names they gave might have been fake anyway, I know mine wasn't, My real name is Edward but everyone here called me Mitchel. I don't know why I told them that. My therapist thought it would help me to talk to others that had lost someone but come on, having your parents die of sickness or a spouse in an accident? Those were nothing in comparison. Technically it was a murder suicide but that doesn't even begin to relay the anguish in my soul. I had been coming here twice a week for 6 months and still hadn't shared my story. I sat there staring into my cup. I guess being alone with other people was better than being alone by myself.

"Everyone, we have a new member to our group, please help her feel welcome."

That was Bill Withers, he was an older man that had woken one day to find his wife had passed in her sleep beside him. He liked to talk about his loss a lot. He motioned to the woman, sitting across the room from myself.

"Hi, I'm Diane. I lost my husband two years ago from cancer. I am originally from this area and decided I needed to come home."

"Hi Diane", I echoed with the others. Im sure her or one of the others continued talking but I had already retreated back into my head

The movement of chairs startled me out of my reverie, the meeting was over and we needed to clean up the room so the church could use it for the next day's services. I was folding my chair when I heard her voice for a second time.

"Hi again," she said, "I could use some directions. I grabbed the coffee pot to empty it and realized I had no clue where to dump it."

I pointed to the door to the left of where we stood, but otherwise remained silent.

"Ok Thanks" she paused, "You're not very talkative are you?" she asked

I shrugged my shoulders and walked away. I could tell she was disappointed in our brief encounter but to be honest, I didn't care.

Two more weekends of meetings found us in the middle of winter. Our meeting had broken up and I was the last one to leave. I walked out to the snow covered parking lot and jumped into my Cummins diesel truck, I turned on the heat to chase away the 20 degree chill that had settled into the valley. Checking my mirror to pull out I noticed a solitary sedan still in the parking lot. I was about to put my truck in gear when I noticed movement in the little Honda. I looked toward the exit and again to the Honda.

"Shit." I pulled out and over to the other side of the parking lot, parking my car. I got out of the warm cab and saw someone hunched over the steering wheel. I knocked on the windows.

"Fuck, you scared the shit out of me." she jumped, then unrolled her window

"You ok?" I asked

"Yeah, I'm fine, Stupid car wont start but I called for roadside assistance."

"How long did they say the wait was going to be?"

"Um," she hemmed "About four hours." she replied sadly

"Four hours, why so long?"

"Apparently there is a pile up back on the interstate and the tow truck is stuck the next town over"

Shit, I thought to myself.

"I hate to tell you but your not getting this out of here tonight, this storm is going to close the roads in about 2 hours I guess and that tow truck aint going to get through"

"Really?" I could see the tears forming in her eyes

"Get your stuff, I'll give you a ride home and you can come back tomorrow when the roads clear."

"Are you sure? It's not any trouble for you is it?"

"Of course not." I lied

She jumped into the passenger side of my cab and smiled when I cranked it over and heat blew through the cabin.

"Thank god, my heart quit on the way here."

We pulled out of the lot and she directed me to the south side of town, opposite of where I live, and told you it was trouble. After about 20 mins we pulled up outside of a small but cute bungalow style apartment

"Nice place.", i said

"Thanks but I actually live in the guest house in the back. It's all I can really afford at the moment."

She opened the door and let the bitter winter frost flood the interior.

"Thanks again for the lift."

"No problem." I lied again

I drove off and glanced at the rearview mirror at her shrinking reflection, she shook her head and walked away. I got back to the house about an hour later, I say house because it will never be home, just a place to hang my clothes and sleep. I stripped off my clothes, crawled under the bed and fell asleep.

"Lisa!" I screamed "Lisa, Where are you?"

I frantically raced around the house looking for a way in, but the flames leapt out of every window, scaring the walls in anger. I kept looking for any signs and in desperation ran back to the front of the house and grabbed the brass doorknob. Pain ripped through my hand.

I sat up in my bed, in a sweat, gripping my palm and felt the scars, the pain still in my mind as if it had just occurred. I choked back the tears and began to sob.

Insomnia is a real bitch and she wouldn't let me go back to sleep until the early morning. When I finally rested, I awoke completely famished. Kinda happens when you don't eat at all the day before. I decided to grab breakfast at an all day diner in town. The storm had come in overnight as predicted and left a bl;anket of white everywhere. The plows had done their jobs and left banks of slush and mud on both sides of the road. The clouds were still dark promising another round of the white stuff later tonight. The temp on the bank clock read a nice balmy 17 degrees, perfect summer weather. I laughed at my own joke. Lisa would have rolled her eyes at me I thought to myself. I pulled up to the stop light waiting my turn, if my day hadn't started bad, it was now. Diane was sitting at the bus stop shivering in a coat that was obviously not meant for this weather. I rolled down my window.

"Diane!" i called out

She looked around, finally spotting me in the lane.

"Hi there," she said walking to the edge of the curb "How are you?"

"I'm good, I'm headed out to get some breakfast. Want to join me?" i asked, hoping she would decline

"That would be lovely." she said, walking over and climbing into the cab for the second time in less than 24 hours

"That is twice you have rescued a damsel in distress, it's becoming a habit."

I simply grunted in reply.

"Why are you helping me? You aren't exactly the warm cuddly type."

I didn't know. Seeing that an answer wasn't forthcoming she moved on. She didn't stop talking until we got to the diner and walked inside taking a booth.

The wastress sauntered over to the table, looking like a twenty something but acting like a worn down woman already.

"What can I get you?" she asked

"Lumberjack special, two extra hotcakes, biscuits and gravy with a glass of orange juice please."

Diane ordered the same. I usually ordered this amount so I would have more to take home, but I'll be damned if Diane didn't polish off the plate. I stared at her as she put the last piece of pancake in her mouth.

"What?" she asked, her lips glossy with butter. "Something on my face?"

"No, just amazed that you finished it all." i replied

"What because I'm a woman, I can't eat like a guy?"

"No judgment, I can't do that."

"That's because I'm a bad ass bitch."

She smiled like she just won the game. I waved the waitress down and paid for our meal.

"I can pay for myself, you know." she said, but I sensed it was more out of pride than ability, I doubt she really could given what I'd known about her up till this point.

"So want to tell me who you really are?" she asked

"What do you mean?"

"In group, everyone knows you by Mitchel and your credit card says Edward." she stated

"Oh yeah, I'm Edward, Ed to my friends. If I had any. I just told everyone my name is Mitchel because I didn't want them in my business."

"Well I'm still Diane and since I've decided we are friends, I'm going to call you Ed"

I had a friend, whether I wanted one or not it seems.

"Sure, I don't care." i said apathetically

"Aren't you a barrel of fun."

"Sorry."

We walked out to the truck, her voice leading the way. I rounded the corner to leave the restaurant.

"Where to now?"

Diane shifted her gaze toward me. "I'm not busy, what were your plans?"

"I was just running to Walmart for provisions and some other errands."

"Sounds fine with me, lets go."

We drove around town, paying bills, picking up the dry cleaning and finally stopped at the walmart. I don't think she was quiet for more than two minutes the entire time we drove. It was like she thought the world would end without the sound of her voice filling the air. I learned that her parents had retired to Florida about a year prior, a younger brother currently a senior at USC, Go Trojans! and I learned about Luke. Diane and Luke had met at university and married two years after graduation. They had tried to get pregnant but after a year of no progress, went in for some fertility testing. Testicular Cancer. If the cancer didn't make him sterile, the radiation would have. It was fought for 5 years but the cancer had metastasized and two months after their 10th anniversary, Luke was laid to rest leaving Diane a widow at thirty three.

"So now that I've laid my life bare, tell me about Ed."

"Not much to say really, Im 38 and live alone, no family."

"Bull fucking shit." she laughed

"What school did you attend?"

"Actually I'm a freshman year college drop out of sorts. I was always more mechanically inclined and liked to work with my hands. I was working on my car trying to make it cool, I took a bunch of pieces and parts I had lying around and made a prototype engine component. Some performance aftermarket companies caught wind after I had toured the local car show circuit, so one patent later and some negotiations later I now have enough income to live a modest but comfortable life. I'm not rich but I don't need to have a 9-5 if I don't blow it all."

"Wow, that's really cool. I illustrate children's books. And as you can tell, it doesn't pay the greatist."

I didn't tell her about Lisa.

Diane integrated herself into my life with the subtlety of a rhino. Soon outings were no longer requested but a summons.

My phone rang and I put it to my ear.

"Hey Ed, need to run to the Bank and the health clinic tomorrow. Pick me up at 10am. Goodnight.''

And she was gone, didn't even wait to see if it was ok, I guess my acquiescence was a given. After the first few times I told her it would be nice if she asked.

"Why, I know you're not busy and have nothing better to do, besides you know you love me."

Where the hell did that come from? I didn't have any feelings for her let alone love.

"I dont think so!"

"I'm right, you're wrong, I win!" she smiled while nudging my in the shoulder to my grunt in reply

Despite my protestations, I actually did find that I was enjoying spending time with her. If I hadn't heard from her in a day or two, I would suddenly find I was in need of something from around her place and would call and ask her for lunch. She eventually invited me into her home to show me some of the illustrations she was commissioned for, she really was quite good. It was mid November the first time she stayed the night, it wasn't planned. We had begun watching movies at my house and just spending time together. That night she had brought a bottle of wine with her and proceeded to kill the bottle, eventually she just layed down on my lap.

"You're so comfy Ed, I could just lay here all night."

Finally the movie ended. I saw that she was fully in dream land. I looked at her, a little drool out of the side of her mouth. I eased out from under her and placed her head on a pillow. I covered her with a throw and went into my bedroom.

The smell of Bacon and Eggs woke me from my deep slumber. I stumbled into the kitchen to find that Diane had made herself at home, she was humming to a tune that only she could hear. as she pushed the food around in the pan.

"Hey, thanks for letting me crash here last night, I made you breakfast as a thank you."

"So I've been thinking about things." I started

"That's a dangerous sentence if i ever heard one"

"Ha ha, funny. But no, I had a lot of fun last night and I miss having nights like this. Do you think we could do it again? Like maybe once a week or something?"

She stared off pensively for a moment.

"Ok deal, but you have to stay on your side of the bed."

My eyes bulged at the implication

"Oh my god, not like that buddy, do you have any idea how cold your house gets? I'm not freezing my ass off again" she held her side as she laughed at me

"I can take the couch I guess."

"Look, you are my very best friend and two adults can share a bed and not fuck right. Besides, I would never kick you out of your own bed."

I relented and agreed. Looking back that was the start of my less than platonic feelings toward her. Sometimes you can't see what is right in front of you. The very next time she stayed the night I woke up in the middle of the night, we were spooned with my arms wrapped around her chest just below her breasts. I tried to move my hands away from the danger area and she wrapped her arms around mine.

"Don't move, too comfy."

I agreed it was very comfortable, a feeling I hadn't felt in years, the feeling of a woman in my arms. I really started looking forward to our nights together. I was so wrapped up in whatever we were that I began to lose track of time. I had left the house to go pay the electric bill, I pulled out my checkbook and asked for the date.

"December 22nd." the clerk told me

My head spun and anguish filled my heart, I had forgotten. I stumbled out of the store. I don't remember driving home or grabbing the liquor bottle from the cabinet. Quickly I downed shot after shot and promptly passed out.

The sun was long since set and a constant pounding in my head woke me, the throbs of my temples in perfect sync. I almost never drank so I was quite the light weight. The pounding continued until I realized someone was at my door. I dragged my ass to the door and pulled it open to find Diane standing there.

"Ed, what the hell man, I've been trying to get a hold of you all day?"

"I messed up, I forgot everything. I can't forget, never again."

I walked back to the front room leaving her standing there in the open door way.

"Ed what's going on?"

I ignored her and reached out for the bottle, ready to begin round two. Diane got to it first and pulled it away from me.

"Give it back." I pouted

"I think you've had enough for the night Ed."

"Who are you to tell me when I've had enough? You're not my wife! My wife is dead."

She stood there in silence

"My wife is dead, my family is dead, everyone is dead."

"I'm here Ed."

I fell to my knees and just let the pain wrack my body, violent shaking as the blackness worked its way to the surface.

"I'm so sorry Lisa, I'm so sorry." i cried

Diane picked me up and took me to my bedroom, we laid down together and she placed my head on her chest.

"Just close your eyes Ed."

"Ok."

I awoke to the sun shining through the blinds directly into my eyes. I looked around confused and then I saw Diane asleep next to me, naked. The confusion compounded when I realized I was also naked. I jumped from the bed and covered myself with my robe. The movement sent my head spinning and woke Diane up in the process. She turned her head to look at me and my face must have been comical.

"Relax, you really tied one on last night, I got here and you were drunk as a skunk and barely functional. I helped you into bed and you repaid my kindness by throwing up all over us both. It was hard as fuck getting your clothes off and since I had nothing to change into, you were going to be naked too"

"So we didn't?" I asked with raised eyebrows

"I have many kinks, but necrophilia isn't one of them. No, we didn't sleep together. Well, I mean we did sleep together but we didnt have sex."

"Oh thank God."

"What would it be so bad to sleep with me?"

"Wait, no. I just. It's not like that." I couldn't be articulate with a hangover

"Relax, Im fucking with you. Go take a shower, you smell." she said holding her nose

I grabbed my towel and headed into the bathroom. The hot water felt amazing running over my body. I closed my eyes and relaxed. A pair of hands worked their way around my torso, Diane rested her head between my shoulder blades.

"What are you doing?' I asked

"Shh, I'm just washing up too."

Her hands roamed over my chest, the soap making bubbles between her fingers and my chest hair. The foam slid down between my legs, soon followed by her caress. She gripped me and pulled a hiss from my lungs.

"Diane."

"It's ok Ed, I want this."

It had been well over a year so I was on a hair trigger, my spend quickly leaving my body and washing down the drain. It left my legs weak and I had to sit down on the bench.

"I'm sorry, I haven't." I trailed off

"Don't worry, I think you needed it"

She stood before me, her beautiful body on full display. God she was sexy.

"Touch me." she said, pulling my hands to her breast, her chest arching with a contented sigh.

She turned her back toward me, never letting my hands free from her magnificent body. She sat on my lap, reached between us and guided me into her. She rocked her hips back and forth, pulled up until I was almost out of her grip and slowly pushed back down. She continued this and at a languid pace, the only indication of her impending orgasm was the catch in her breath becoming deeper and more rapid. She turned her head toward and and pulled me into a deep kiss as her body stuttered in release triggering my second orgasm. The temperature of the water turned cold as we both layed there panting. Diane turned off the water, grabbed a towel on the back of the door and wrapped it around her body walking into my room. I followed quickly.

"What was all that about last night Ed? I've known you for over a year now and I have never seen you drunk."

"Diane."

I just sat there unable to talk.

"You know what, don't say anything Ed."

I sat on the edge of my bed, Diane walking out of the room. What did this mean, why the sex and why did she just get so upset with me. When Diane didn't return I walked out looking for her and calling her name aloud. There was a note on the kitchen counter.

"Ed, our clothes were dry so I got dressed and I left to go home. I think it's best If we just forget about the last twenty four hours and get back to our lives. I'll talk to you later."

I tried calling and it went to voicemail. I hung up without leaving a message.

This continued to be the case for the next two days, I would call and she would send me to voicemail.

On the 3rd day she called me.

"Hey Ed."

"Hi Diane, you haven't been returning my calls, what's going on?"

"I just needed some time to think."

"Ok and what have you been thinking about then?"

After a pause she said

"Ed, I really like you, and I am developing feelings for you, but you always have a wall up, never really let me in. I need to know."

"Diane, I feel closer to you than I have to anyone in a long time. I just can't, It's too painful."

"I'm sorry then, goodbye Ed."

Diane stopped coming by and wouldn't respond to my texts or calls. I retreated back into myself. I went to the meetings like I always did, and I was asked to share as always but never did. Diane would look at me disappointed when I refused and whenever the meeting was over she would quickly run to the parking lot and take off. Why did she have to know everything and make things complicated? I thought. I knew she would get over it. I was wrong, but wouldn't know it for another month.