Edda Pt. 01

Once they were asleep I wandered into the master bedroom by myself just wanting to sleep. Our bed was a mess. I felt in the middle and it was still wet. The two of them had been fucking in the bed. We had one spare bedroom so I slept there.

The following day was Sunday, the very worst Sunday of my life; a day of profound despair. I could not fathom it. This was not her. How could she? Five years I had selflessly devoted to her because I loved her, unconditionally.

In fact if it was not for the kids it might well have been the last Sunday of my life. I kept my self in check by leaving the house and finding ways of distracting the kids. I took them to my parents. I could not hide how down I was and admitted that Edda and I had problems.

My Father looked at me suspiciously and started singing in a low voice "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life..."

I shouted at him to shut up and meant it. I cannot ever in my adult life ever remember shouting at my Father. He looked shocked, came over and hugged me as I broke down in tears for the grief of my marriage. I was conscious in his hug of reviving his own grief he had once had for someone he had loved dearly.

Monday it was kids off to school and a visit to the lawyer.

Tuesday I rang Colin.

"Yeah, she came and saw me Monday she took the rest of the day off as she was going to see a lawyer herself; I think she spent all day with Weber on Sunday. She seems pretty convinced you'll take the kids, She said you took some photos. She is bashing herself up for not being a fit and proper Mother."

"What did she say she was going to do?"

"Oh she is talking about going to Holland with Weber and doing the exhibition from there. She did not sound convincing though. Something is up there."

"Where's Weber now?"

"Oh he has only gone back to Nelson."

"Does she know he has a wife and kids?"

"You know, I don't think she does. Very few people do. I haven't told her and she has never mentioned anything to me."

"Well it's not a fait accompli that I get the kids. Hang on to the exhibition if you can."

"Would you be OK with that?"

"Weber is going to be shit scared I've got the pictures and what I might do with him. I have an idea. I'll work it through the lawyer but you should back it up. Convince the fucker that he should do a happy families article in a women's magazine featuring his wife and all his kids. That will clip his wings and will separate Edda and him."

"You want her back don't you?"

"I don't know how. Problem is I think she was star struck with this guy, an international artist groupie. Perhaps she's thinking he is Jesus Christ reborn and she is his acolyte. "

"That's cynical but I have heard her talk about him and perhaps the idea is not so preposterous."

"Well anyway, I am not sure I will be ultimately good enough."

"Are you saying you might get her back but not her respect?"

"Exactly, I expect getting back together will only be a miserable existence for the kids' sake."

"Hey I think you need a bit of looking after. Who have you got to help, your mother? I will talk to Jane if you like."

"Yeah I am not feeling too good."

************

The plan actually worked. The article on the Weber family appeared in a remarkably short time, literally the next edition of 'woman's Friend.' It was an exclusive and an absolute coup for the mag. Weber knew he had no choice. He also had to drop Edda. She was now desperate for her children. To me, I could not understand how on the Monday she was prepared to abandon them then, and two weeks later be fighting for them

I was increasingly depressed and anxious having apparently lost my reason for being. I was convinced that she would be thinking she would go back to Weber. I had never met her Uncle Pieter but somehow my paranoia had him orchestrating this.

Through the lawyers Edda expressed a wish for counselling but my mind was set with the idea that Weber would always dominate her. I had lost all trust in Edda and I instructed the lawyer that I would go for full custody refusing all counselling.

Then it happened. An envelope arrived from the states. With all that had happened I had forgotten about it. Even when opening the envelope I did not believe it possible that all the kids would be anything but mine. DNA testing was not commonly talked about in those days and paternity issues seemed farfetched. Lotte was not my daughter.

I was not prepared for the effect this revelation would have on me. I sunk further into deep depression; for some time suffering an existential crisis. I lost the will to fight for my children. At one stage I tried to drink myself into oblivion and broke into Edda parents' house smashing the front door and obliterating their front room. It was all posturing but they were in fear of their lives and I was hit with a non-molestation order and I was toast.

I spent time in a mental health unit on suicide watch. I waved a white flag and eventually when the smoke cleared I did not even get visitation rights to the children. Edda had been my anchor, the family my reason to be. All my work had been for them. Eventually I was to regret it but I lost the will to fight for them.

This would be the absolute nadir of my life. I suffered a smorgasbord of negative emotions and could not comprehend my own behavior. I had lost control and felt deeply ashamed. I felt I was exposed as the fraud I really was. I had aspirations of being this great architect but I was not worthy.

The reality was that I did not have the where-with-all and in pursuing my egotistical idea I had sabotaged my family. I felt a profound guilt. I had not obviously measured up to Edda's expectations. To my mind I had failed to protect her from that arrogant fool who she had obviously invested some kind of future in.

Then there was my anger. She had told me she had loved me in no uncertain terms but she obviously had loved this other man enough to secretly have a child. What game was she playing? She lied to me, where was her respect, her empathy, after all I had done through those years of sacrifice I had made for her wellbeing following the accident.

Despite some doubts before that event, I had always ultimately trusted her. Despite this she had chosen another path. Who were the fools in this saga, Edda, Weber or I?

I went through a period of psychiatric help. From there I began to take stock of my life. I decided I would not be totally defeated. I decided there was no going back. I needed new goals, a new project. In discussion with my father and counsellor I decided on a plan. As part of reconstructing my confidence I would walk 3000km from the top of New Zealand to the very bottom. My father and Colin promised to support me walking some of it with me themselves. It would be my first project. My next aim was to revisit my architectural career with a vengeance. I was through with women and happy families. I would be a monk once more.

I had dreamt in the past of doing this trek. This would be my starting point. I plotted a route taking in as many tracks as I could across some of the most spectacular scenery in NZ. The forests, the mountains and their lakes would be my inspiration.

As it happened the trail took me across Jaggers Pass.

Despite my new found determination and my optimism for the future, I found on my approach to the hut off the angels a gathering darkness in my mind. After all it was here that Edda had expressed her hollow love for me.

Down the trail I had met up with a fellow traveler. He was walking a little faster than me and had caught me up. At this point the weather was beginning turn for the worst. He introduced himself as Johan. He was South African and although seemed very pleasant I did not warm to him. None the less as the weather was turning and for safety sake we elected to keep together until we reached the hut of the angels.

We arrived as the misty gloom was turning to a chill dark. There was a light on in the volunteer's quarters of the red hut so at least the pot belly would be stoked and the hut warm.

As we were taking off our boots I noticed carved into the lintel 'angeli requies.' The saying was probably quite benign but with the gathering darkness in my head I interpreted it as some omen of misfortune.

The public end of the hut was dark; no other travelers seem to be in residence. I made way toward where the light and warmth were coming from when I was startled by a white apparition in front of me.

The apparition announced herself in a broad Scottish accent, "Good evening gentlemen, welcome to my wee abode. My names Marion, I am the volunteer here this season and you two are my first visitors."

Her appearance did nothing to calm my nerve. She was a severe grey blonde with piercing pink -grey eyes which were even evident in the low light. She was so pale she could have been albino.

She ushered us into her own quarters and in no time had a kettle boiled and hot tea made.

"Well Gentlemen, I think you made it just in time;" and as though to emphasis the remark, a gust of wind rattled the hut.

As the night wore on talk was mainly of the many trails and the features of the area. We eventually left her quarters and moved back into the public space. A small amount of light was given by a couple of candles supplemented by our head lamps. Marion lit the pot belly. "the temperature is going to drop tonight. We are going to get snow so this should see you through 'til morning."

Johan and I laid out our sleeping bags on the plywood plinths. Snuggling in, we continued our chat from our bags. The last tale I remember Marion telling us was to profoundly disturb my night and eventually change my life.

"You know the Angels, across the way," she said, "The Maori think of them as goblins. Before the Pakeha came here they never had angels. They call them 'Maunga a nga wairua kino;' Mountains of the evil spirits. They supposed to be the guardians of Aitua, the god of misfortune. He was supposed to live up on Jaggers pass. They call that Kohanga a Aitua. Its Whenua tapu to the Maori, a holy place, but there is a Rahui on it. No Maori will go near here. I believe a whole hapu froze to death up there in the old times.

This played on my mind as I drifted off. In a restless sleep I could hear Johan and Marion droning on. Joining thoughts of misfortune, death and evil spirits, Edda's lies of love resurfaced. Her betrayal seemed to be suddenly linked to this place. The thought crossed my mind to end it all. This was why I was here. This trek down the spine of New Zealand was the path leading to my demise.

I finally achieved sleep only to be awoken by the sound of two people fucking. The grunts and sighs seemed to stab my brain.

I grabbed around finding my headlamp and switching it on illuminated my two now naked companions entwined and going for it. One was snow white and quite obviously Marion. She twisted, her pendulous breasts swinging as she did so. She struck out one leg onto the floor and propped the other on the plinth, her display was obviously an obvious attempt to stimulate me. Her legs apart thus, my head lamp caught her leaking wet and very swollen pink pussy bracketed in her grey pubic bush.

"Och , we were just having a little fun, Martin, do you want to join us. I can handle two."

Rather than stimulation, my immediate reaction was one of revulsion. I felt the bile rising in my throat as a wave of acute nausea enveloped me. Curling up in a ball I asked them to retire to Marion's. There was a little disappointed grunting but they understood and dutifully retired.

Me, I was in despair. I gathered some clothes. It was a night in which I should not have ventured from the hut, but I did. I left and in doing so I was dicing with death. I truly believe that at that instant I intended to die.

The wind was high with driving icy sleet as I climbed up the now slippery rocks to the pass. I did not pause as I climbed. To stop was to die.

Arriving I tramped through the snow to the now frozen tarn close to where Edda and I had made love. Pitch black, my headlamp radiating an eerie haze into the cloud whipping around me. The scene was dismal with no possible view down onto the lake below or the Angels. I lay down in the tussock their fronds enveloping me and prepared to die.

It was as a dream, two Keas briefly alighting onto the snow despite the wind and the mist. Were they the same keas from so long ago? Probably not but I shouted at them all the same....WHY?!

Their response was to rise and disappear into the mist. I didn't think Keas normally flew at night and I wondered if I was going insane. As I drifted off I felt curiously warm as a flurry of snow began to settle on the tussock around me.

I awoke with a start as some snow slipped off the tussock onto my face reminding me I was still alive. I shook my head throwing the snow off my face and opened my eyes. I was greeted with the most miraculous sight of my life. Above me the clouds had totally cleared. The wind was still and there was no moon. Above me the clouds of Magellan stood out in interplay with the grand display of starry lights that only those far from any city would ever experience.

I watched as above me satellites passed by bringing home to me that in the cosmos mankind had a stake and a future. My blackness seemed to have lifted as I pondered my future in this wondrous universe being played out before me. Suddenly my past misfortunes seemed diminish behind me. Once again I was alive and my future was before me.

I drifted back asleep awaking to a sparkling morning light. I would return to the hut, collect my things and continue my trek.

By time I completed that journey I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

**************

I had sacrificed so much for Edda's love, the years of her rehabilitation; her betrayal had been exceptionally cruel, and unbelievable. I was going to make that experience a foundation for a stronger more determined future. I had felt superior to the arrogant and narcissist Herr Weber with his attempt at my humiliation; a predator who felt entitled to my wife. Gathering my strength I aimed to enter the world stage and I was sure that Karl Weber and I would meet again.

I would write a book and a pretty thick one at that which would form the basis of a manifesto over my next few years. Towards this I wrote thesis, articles and papers in preponderance and appeared at conferences at home and overseas.

To Summarize I decided I wanted to create a piece of architecture that would be significant on the world stage. I needed credibility and I needed resources. I had concepts in mind which I wanted to combine into a visionary model.

Step one was back to academia. I looked around the world to what institution offered the skills and credibility I desired. Fortunately I could draw on my own financial means to ensure a place in a prestigious institution and to work for a time in an international prestigious practice creating complex architectural solutions of the type that would underlie my own direction.

From the global network I began to mix with, I cherry picked a team that had the complementary expertise to make these solutions possible. This included an engineering ecologist, a structural and an environmental engineer all recognized world leaders in their field. Our integrated team was called 'Global Well.' We as a team created a virtual model incorporating our concepts. Next we had to create the prototype.

All this time I was riding on a tide of obsessive megalomania. The strange thing is the way I carried people with it. My father was fascinated with what I was doing and he offered the unthinkable. My father was both a property developer and a constructor. He offered a suitable property, the wherewithal to build a 10 storied apartment building and the technical capability to develop what would become a new construction system using 3D printing. The risk for my father was huge but he felt as I did, that as part of our team he could share in the possible success of a lifetime or go broke trying.

I had turned from a family man to an obsessive megalomaniac and I had a team of likeminded maniacs including my father. My Mother nervously bought into my father's involvement but would often remind us that if it all turned to custard she would divorce the family.

Well, cutting a long story short our building was built. We gave it the working name of Prototype 01. The name kind of stuck. I guess it had the connation of this representing the future. Papers were written by my team on the components that they brought to the overall design. The finished building was a landmark and its very difference made it controversial. The critics were kind to it and it made the international magazines. The shear international reputation of my partners in crime ensured there would be interest in it from all quarters.

It was composed of pods that were ingeniously locked together like foam and strongly enough to form the prime structure of a building. By changing the configuration these could create structures enabling various functions. Prototype 01 was also could contain plantings. It was also about greening of the city environment. It was pioneering what was later to be called biophilic architecture.

Using the finished building as a centre piece, Global well put together a travelling exhibition. Much of it included my own sketches and also included audio visual virtual experiences illustrating futuristic possibilities of the systems by invited artists. This caught the attention of a major US developer who commissioned us to design Skyscraper for New York. Our elation to this score was not to last and would see my downfall, but in the short term we found ourselves short listed for a Pritzker prize.

My monkish single minded obsession over 20 years had left me totally estranged from my family. It was 20 years of learning, lecturing, creating paper architecture and many small to medium commissions by Global Well all of which totally consumed me. My mother sent me the odd photos of Edda's and my children but I knew little of what they were doing or when. I studiously did not take any notice of Weber's fortunes and had no idea whether Edda was working with him or not. That is until reading through the shortlist of the Pritzker Prize I discovered Pieter Oostendorp and Karl Weber's Partnership. It was an astounding coincidence. It also reawakened the memory of Edda and my lost family.

For me the prize was previously a delightful event where I would be happy just being shortlisted. Now, discovering that Weber was also shortlisted, it was an intense competition. That said, there was little we could do but follow as events unfolded.

There was general interest in where the chair and the jury would swing. Finally there was the ceremony which was held in a venue designed by a previous laureate Zaha Hadid. I could not believe to be in this place rubbing shoulders with the illustrious glitterati of the architectural world.

Preceding the event, 'Global Well' as a group was circulating with guests when Weber and I spied one another. He was much older than me and looked tired and elderly, Pieter was with him, looking as awestruck as I probably looked in these surroundings.

On sighting me, Weber's jaw seemed to drop. I was later to learn that he had not known that I was the principal of Global Well.

From then on I kept making furtive glances toward him. He was in sight when our team was announced as the winners and he looked at me in shock. That was the last time I was ever to see him as at that point he disappeared. He was to die within two years of the event. I shamefully admit that as I held the bronze medallion I looked for him with a feeling of Schadenfreude but I did not see him.

Following the ceremony there was a function and I met up with Pieter. It was a conversation which completely erased my bias against a man I previously never knew. He was a thoroughly nice person. He was sorry and disgusted at Weber and Edda's affair. He said he knew nothing about it until our divorce. If he had known he would never have introduced them. He knew of Weber's reputation but that had previously been with students. He had only briefly discussed the affair with Weber who brushed it off as an unfortunate minor affair that got out of hand. It had caused some tension between them but they had weathered it. To his knowledge the whole thing had finished at the time of our divorce.