Edge of the Garden Pt. 01 of 02

"I wasn't...mmm... I wasn't even that loud," she whispered back.

Dhanush grunted into her ear as he came a minute later, and Rani found herself thinking more about keeping her volume down than aiming for an orgasm. When he stopped moving, she suppressed any disappointment she might have felt and brushed her fingers up and down his back.

"Sorry again," Dhanush said, a twinge of guilt crossing his face as he pushed himself up and off his wife.

"Don't apologise, baby," she said. "It's not always about the final goal. It's about the intimacy for me."

"Yeah, but then what's the point?" he asked, rising to clean himself up.

Rani found herself confused as to how to answer that question, and slightly relieved that it seemed her husband didn't need an answer as he'd already disappeared into the bathroom. The intimacy is the point, she thought, wondering if she'd gotten it wrong.

She felt herself continuing to wonder about that simple exchange the next morning in the shower as she pulled the showerhead hose off its hook to aim the gentle jets between her legs. Her delivery scar was aching from the dryness of last night's session, and the warm water provided some relief. Knowing that Dhanush was going to drop the twins off at school, she took a little extra time.

Rani made sure her staff was set up at work throughout the day so they knew what their tasks were, hoping they wouldn't be phoning her the rare time she took the afternoon off. The girls' fifth-grade teacher wanted to meet with her and she scheduled it right at the end of the school day so she could pick them up and get this task out of the way at the same time.

Does this place keep changing every time I'm here, or am I just losing it? she ironically smiled to herself while walking the halls of the school that afternoon. She'd passed Payal and Lavanya hanging out with their friends on the lawn outside so at least she didn't have to search for them, but where the hell was their classroom?

Glancing down one corridor while turning in the opposite direction, Rani slammed into a wall and staggered back. Only it wasn't a wall, and the stack of papers it was carrying went flying to the floor.

"I'm so sorry!" she huffed, mortified at being so careless.

"Rani?" a familiar voice asked.

Bent down and busily gathering the thin stacks, she pushed her hair off her face and looked up into two bright emeralds.

"Mr. Stahl? Oh, now I'm even more embarrassed." Hayden laughed and shook his head.

"You're lucky. I finished my coffee in the staff room instead of bringing it with me." Rani gave a shy snicker and turned her gaze to the floor, not noticing that his eyes never left her face. "And I'm not teaching the girls anymore. Please call me Hayden."

"Right. Hayden," Rani smiled. "Are these for your class?" she asked, noticing the pictures on the photocopies. "They look like plans for something."

"They're actually for a new club that I'm the staff supervisor for," Hayden replied. "Now that the snow's melted, we're going to develop a community garden with that patch of land adjacent to the west side of the school."

"Really?" Rani asked. "I thought that was going to be an extra parking lot."

"They voted on what to do with it and the students were really keen on turning it into a garden. I mean, we'll only have it open for half the year considering this is Canada," Hayden admitted, "but the school decided to offer working in it as an optional phys-ed credit. You know, for the kids who'd rather do something non-competitive or low-impact."

"That's brilliant," Rani was impressed. "Can anyone volunteer? I tried growing my own vegetables one year in the backyard but the yield for the time and money involved--"

"Hardly seemed worth it?" Hayden finished. "Exactly, I found the same thing. But there's a lot of struggling families even within the school community, and this would help them especially since it's on a much larger scale than just a few potted plants. We're even going to work on it through the summer so I'd be grateful for any help if you felt like showing up."

"I will, and I'll bring the girls," Rani promised. She truly felt excited about this and was starting to figure out how to make time for it during her evenings and weekends. Hayden suddenly realized they'd been crouched on the ground talking instead of gathering the sheafs, and started to straighten the bunch in his hands.

"How have you been, by the way? How are the girls?"

"I was actually bumbling around and trying to find their classroom to meet with their teacher, Mrs. Dobson," she said.

"Right, it takes time to figure out that 105 is nowhere near 106," he nodded. "I'm betting it's one of those rooms? Everyone gets thrown off by those two because one's the corner room here, and the other is way at the end of the hall."

"You've been here a while," she smiled, glancing up from gathering the last few sheets on the floor. Hayden's hair seemed to have gotten a bit blonder, and his shoulders were still broad and defined. She couldn't help but glance down at his left hand. "How's your wife doing?"

"Oh!" his face got even brighter. "She's expecting!" He lowered his voice. "I shouldn't have said anything because it's only been a few weeks, but I had to tell someone."

"Congratulations!" Rani sincerely told him. "You're going to make such an amazing dad."

She handed him the last bit of his papers as they rose from the floor at the same time, Rani's eyes resting on his for a little longer than she intended.

"Speaking of me having been here for a while, this might be the last time we get to run into each other in this building," he continued, a bit wistfully. "I'm starting at a new school in September. It's downtown and Lisa's parents are downtown so we thought with the baby..."

"Oh." Rani was more surprised than she expected to be, and sadder. "No, right, of course," she quickly recovered, shaking her head. "It's a newborn, and it's your first. You're right to move near your support system." Why are you tripping over your tongue, you dolt? she chided herself. An awkward quiet overcame them when Hayden glanced up at the analogue clock in the corridor.

"You know, Mrs. Dobson isn't the most forgiving for lateness," he smiled.

"Oh!" Rani suddenly remembered why she was there and willed her feet to move toward the end of the hall. "Give my best to your wife. And congratulations again on the baby." She genuinely felt happy for him. But as she ambled toward room 106, she struggled to identify the other emotions she was feeling as well.

***One year later ***

"Whaddya wanna do to me?" Rani purred into her husband's ear as she straddled him, wearing nothing but a red bra and panty set. It was uncomfortable and impractical, she'd thought when she was eyeing the pair in the store, especially since it was silk and she wouldn't even think about underwear that wasn't cotton. But desperate times and all.

"Wait... what?" Dhanush scrunched up his face.

"Tell me how you're going to deal with me, baby," she whispered, kissing his neck and running her hands across his upper back. "Have I been bad?" Dhanush started chortling.

"Where is all this coming from?" he asked, pushing her slightly away. "Have you been reading those trashy romances from the library again?" Rani stiffened, feeling like an idiot.

"Sorry. Nevermind," she said, getting off her husband's lap and sliding off the bed to change.

"Well, wait!" he laughed, reaching out to her. "You're into dirty talk now? That's such a western, white people thing, don't you think?" Rani glared at him in the dark of their bedroom, half bewildered and half offended.

"First of all, I know you weren't born and raised here in Canada, but I was. So while I'm not white, I probably am 'western' as you say." She got some comfortable underwear and a nightshirt from the chest of drawers and stepped into the walk-in closet with them.

"Secondly," she said from behind the door, "I was trying for some foreplay. Or maybe romance. Or maybe something marginally better than, 'hey, are you feeling tired?'"

"So I'm not good enough for you anymore," Dhanush said quietly.

"No, no," Rani said, her tone softening. "That's not it at all." She stopped with one arm inside her nightshirt. "We've been doing the same thing for 12 years. Wouldn't you also want to try something new? I don't mean anything extreme; just something a tiny bit different like talking."

Rani was trying to be sensitive toward her husband's feelings while getting him to be aware of hers. It seemed to require the same level of tact as a hostage negotiation.

She'd thought a few weeks ago when she had texted him a screenshot of a reverse wheelbarrow position, that he'd be eager to try it out that night. Especially since she'd added the message, when can we try this?

But it looked like he'd forgotten it, as he'd forgotten the article she sent him on a variety of ways to hunt for her G-spot. Rani was considering the uncomfortable truth that it wasn't so much a lack of spice, but a lack of interest on Dhanush's part.

She'd lowered the bar from perhaps tying each other up, to different positions, to sexting, to simply telling him what she wanted during sex. She wasn't sure whether it could be lowered any further.

"Isn't that what you liked about me when we got married?" she asked, dressed and emerging from the walk-in closet. "You thought I was fun and different. You even said you weren't looking for a meek wife."

"But we're not 22 anymore," Dhanush said, pulling the sheet and comforter over his diminishing erection. "All that crazy stuff is for younger people. This is real life; not some Hollywood film or a ridiculous online romance story."

"Are you serious right now?" Rani all but exclaimed. "You think I've been sending you pics of different positions and trying to talk dirty to you because the movies told me to, and not because I haven't had an or--" she screeched to a halt, frantically deliberating how to backpedal. The most brutal hush fell over the room.

"You did last time," Dhanush said almost inaudibly.

"You're right. Sorry, I forgot about that," Rani agreed, almost a little too quickly.

"Fuck. You didn't, did you?" he muttered, humiliated.

"Dhanush--" Rani reached for his arm but he was already pulling on his shorts and t-shirt, his pillow clutched in his fist before he left the bed.

"Don't, Rani," he said, flinching from her touch like she was a stingray. "I don't need you faking it for me and I don't need your pity."

"My pity?" Rani replied, her annoyance flaring up. "How are you surprised that that's how it ended last time when I opened my eyes partway through and saw you watching TV while fingering me?"

"I was not!"

"You didn't even notice that I saw you! You were reading the scroll on the Weather Network." A pang of remorse flickered across Dhanush's face.

"The only reason I opened my eyes was because I felt the rhythm change, like you were distracted," Rani continued. "So don't you dare act like you're the victim because I wanted to spare your feelings and end my own ordeal by getting that whole thing overwith so we could both just go to sleep."

"When you fake it, we both lose," Dhanush argued.

"Your actions were the reason I did that!" Rani shot back. "Look at you taking this as a personal defeat when you know damn well you weren't even trying." She shook her head, all but overcome with frustration.

"You know what will turn a woman on more than anything when she's with a man? It's not muscles, it's not hair, it's not height, it's not even what's in his pants."

Dhanush looked at her blankly, seeming like he was confused as to what she could possibly be hinting at. Rani let the silence linger in the air, wondering if he'd even venture a guess. He didn't.

"It's the feeling of being genuinely desired, Dhanush," she finally told him. "It's being with a man who looks like he would toss his phone down a well and put off eating and sleeping just to get a chance to see you naked.

"Not someone who--" her voice caught as she felt a twinge of her own humiliation. "--who seems like he's just servicing you in the most efficient way possible because that's his duty. If that's the type of sex you want to have, we don't have to do anything anymore."

"Who says I don't want sex with you?" Dhanush asked. "I'm just not into this entire 'being desired' thing, as if it's all about your ego. Of course I want you; the fact that I'm still here is proof of that, isn't it?"

"No," Rani said quietly as she got under the covers. "It's proof that you're comfortable." When Dhanush furrowed his brow, she went on. "And I'm not going to leave you over this or anything. I could always get a vibrator and be done in two minutes if that's what I'm after.

"I just don't want to pretend anymore that this is about intimacy and connecting when you haven't tried to do that with me in a long time. If you want sex, let me know and I'll buy a bottle of lube and lie back and think of England."

Dhanush had set down his pillow and extra blanket but as soon as he heard his wife's final barb he grabbed them again and stomped out in a fury. Rani knew she hadn't needed to add that last line, but fuck, it was satisfying after every failed attempt at closeness she had tried over the last several months.

As the door slammed Rani sat alone in the master bedroom, which now seemed massive. There's no way I'm gonna get to sleep now, she rationalized almost numbly. She slipped into her desk chair in the corner and fired up her laptop, going over the files for the school's community garden club.

The snow was melting again, and it had been a year since she'd run into Hayden inside the school, although they'd seen each other almost daily while gardening last summer. Since he moved at the end of August, Rani had taken over as a parent supervisor with a kindergarten teacher who was the new staff supervisor.

Andrea Woakes was not only the girls' former kindergarten teacher, but also Rani's neighbour from down the street so it wasn't difficult to coordinate with her on plans for the garden.

You up? Rani texted her, glancing at the time.

Trying to get laid, came the text back a minute later. Rani burst out laughing.

Sorry. Keep trying, she replied. She was glad she hadn't overestimated the familiarity she'd developed with Andrea the previous Autumn.

Nah, it's over, Andrea said. He did the boys' bedtime and they demolished him. Terrell is now sound asleep. Rani hesitated to tell her friend how awful the last hour had been with her own attempt to make love with her husband. She decided against it, especially since she was already trying to forget that whole debacle.

Better luck tomorrow, she wrote instead. Just wanted to let you know I'm on the lookout for seeds already. Got a letter from city council saying we'll get the grant we applied for but it's up to you to check the account to see when it lands.

Awesome, I'll check every day until it's there, Andrea responded.

Call a club meeting when you've got the money and we'll see how many kids we round up this year, Rani typed.

Too bad Hayden's gone, huh? Andrea replied after a brief pause, adding a winky face.

This again? Rani rolled her eyes but grinned to herself.

You know what some of the female teachers called him, right?

Please don't tell me, Rani wrote, chuckling.

Anakin Skywalker, Andrea told her anyway. He looks just like Hayden Christensen and it's perfect that they even have the same first name.

I'm going to start thinking you're the one who has a crush on him.

Girl, everyone has a crush on him! But I'm not the one he was staring at all the time. Andrea said. There were enough sparks between you guys last summer that I thought our crop would burn down.

You're a dork, Rani replied. We're. Each. Married. To. Other. People. He has a newborn! She hadn't heard about the baby's birth but estimated they would probably be about six months old. The last time she saw him was in late August when they were showing Andrea the ropes.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

He'd already moved downtown but was back for a final morning. After everyone else left, the two of them tidied up.

"I'm not sure how to do this," Hayden had said, breaking the silence as he and Rani returned the garden tools to the shed.

"How? You've locked up the shed a hundred--" Rani started to reply before noticing his gaze. "Oh." It hit her all over again that they might be seeing each other for possibly the last time in their lives. "Well, goodbyes are hard," she said, sitting down on a bouncy hop ball. Hayden snickered.

"They're harder when one of us is playing with toys," he said.

"What, this?" Rani gripped the handle on the giant, hollow, rubber ball while bouncing a little harder. "This is an investment, not a toy. I should replace my office chair with this." She grinned and motioned to Hayden with her head. "Grab the other one, Stahl. Let's race."

"You're nuts," he laughed.

"The conditions are perfect," she reasoned. "We're already dirty and sweaty, it's not too hot a day, and it's summer so no one's at the school to watch us make fools of ourselves." Hayden crossed his arms and looked at her skeptically, trying to stifle further laughs.

"It's up to you," Rani said nonchalantly. "We could have an awkward goodbye, or I could kick your ass in a bouncy hop ball race."

"Well, now it's a matter of honour," Hayden stated, grabbing another ball and walking out of the shed. "We start here," he instructed once they were partway down the nearby soccer field, "and we race to the edge of the garden."

Rani narrowed her eyes at Hayden beside her, acutely aware of how goofy they looked positioned on what looked like two humongous blueberries with handles.

"On your mark," he said, his voice low, "get set... Payal?" Hayden straightened up and looked past Rani, and she turned around in shock that her daughter was there. But she actually wasn't, and Hayden bounced forward and took off with a laugh.

"You cheater!" Rani shouted, launching herself ahead. It was a good thing she'd been doing leg-strengthening exercises for the last few months, she thought, harnessing each bounce to get extra leverage. Hayden was using his legs too much and she was sure he'd tire himself out before getting to the garden's periphery.

Although she was much shorter than him, she found herself gaining ground but perhaps not enough to win the race.

"Ow!" she cried, grasping her thigh. Hayden turned around, left his bouncy hop ball in the grass and darted over to Rani, who seemed to be suffering a leg cramp.

"Hey, we can stop, it's fine," he said, kneeling and putting a hand on her shoulder. "Just stand up slowly and give your leg a shake."

"Gotcha, loser," she taunted, darting away. Amid his laughs, Hayden jumped back on his ball and tailed Rani as close as he could, thinking a few more leaps forward would win him the race. But it was one too many, as his final bounce launched him in a direct ricochet against Rani's ball, sending them both hurtling into the tall grass outside the chicken wire fence.

When they stopped rolling and landed on a pillow of grass, Hayden found himself pinned below Rani, him flat on his back and her chest flush against his. Her cleavage pushed up toward the top of her V-neck t-shirt, just below Hayden's chin, and her legs were splayed on either side of his to maintain her balance.

Rani's hair had partially come out of its bun atop her head, and a few dark, wispy strands fell forward to brush against Hayden's neck. Both of them were sweaty and panting from the race. Their faces inches apart, Rani's chocolate eyes turned upward to meet Hayden's bright green ones.