Edge of the Garden Pt. 01 of 02

Although they both knew they should move, neither could bring themselves to break the delicate suspension of that moment. Rani's head was in the ideal spot to rest on Hayden's shoulder and she badly wanted to let her neck relax and feel his heartbeat against her ear.

He's married, you're married, she repeated inside her head, unable to tear her gaze from the emeralds before her. He's married, you're married. Move. Get off him, she willed her body. He's not moving either, a counter voice chimed in. At least say something! the first voice argued.

"I win," she whispered. Hayden's head flopped back into the soft grass and his body shook with laughs.

"I think it's a tie," he said, as Rani finally scrambled off him. "I'll overlook the cheating."

"Excuse you," Rani scoffed. The kismet between them had almost never happened and they were back to being friends. "You made me think my daughter had walked all the way over here, which would mean my house burned down and my husband was nowhere to be found!"

"Yeah, that was low," Hayden grinned. "But not as low as faking an injury." He stood and offered his hand to Rani.

"I was literally evening out the playing field," she defended, grasping his hand.

They put the bouncy hop balls back in the outdoor shed, locked it, and made their way to their cars.

"Thanks for all your help this summer," Hayden told Rani as she unlocked her driver's side door.

"Thanks for having me on the team," she replied, still thinking about the feel of his muscles beneath his thin t-shirt. "I'll miss you. Good luck with the baby."

Hayden watched Rani drive off before ambling toward his own car, cringing and smacking himself on the forehead.

You idiot, you have an amazing wife and you're going to be a dad soon, he internally shouted at himself. He knew he should have immediately gotten out from under Rani, and he would have--if the mental image of her seated atop him, naked and grinding against him, hadn't played on repeat as his chest bore the weight of her breasts.

It's just a crush, and it's done now, he reasoned, fumbling with his car keys. It's done now.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Rani was so lost in the reverie of the previous summer that she jumped at her desk when Andrea's next text came in.

I know you're both married to other people, but contrary to popular belief, you don't stop having a pulse once you're married, her friend had written. It's not illegal to think other folks are attractive, and you know I wouldn't judge you on it.

But Rani couldn't admit anything to Andrea about the sparks she'd felt with Hayden, mainly because she couldn't admit it to herself. This was not who she was, she told herself. These were the hormonal urges of a woman who hadn't had satisfying sex with her husband in a very long time.

She was only channeling those instincts toward another man as an outlet; not because she actually felt anything for Hayden, she justified. She reminded herself of that for the umpteenth time since last summer, trying not to think about Hayden's hard stomach heaving beneath her own while they lay at the edge of the garden.

Rani quickly bade Andrea goodnight after making another joke, then put her phone on silent for the night. Did he feel that too? she couldn't help but ask herself as she lay alone in bed a few minutes later.

Nevermind Hayden, you dum-dum, she reprimanded herself. Did you already forget you told your husband he hasn't gotten you off in god knows how long? You're going to have to face that demon first.

***********

It's a cold war, Rani thought days later as she and Dhanush wordlessly passed each other in the hallway. She recalled the days when one of them would wait to eat a meal until the other one joined them at the table; now it felt like they were purposely trying to miss each other.

More of her time over the Spring was being spent tending to the community garden with Andrea, which was a godsend considering home was quickly becoming the last place she wanted to be.

As she checked out the sprouting eggplants and green beans one afternoon, Rani wracked her brain trying to figure out exactly where she and Dhanush had parted ways but could not for the life of her pinpoint a single event that caused it.

Every morning, she woke up and remembered first thing that they were still fighting. Are we really fighting, though? she wondered. Or is this just the way it's going to be now?

She questioned whether she should be the bigger person and approach Dhanush to patch things up, then cursed herself for ever starting that pattern in the first place. She was always the one to extend the olive branch; most of the time it didn't even seem like Dhanush recognized anything was wrong.

And why would he? she thought while running her fingers along the tiny leaves of a budding tomato plant. He's not only getting his rocks off; he has a wife who convinced him he was also getting her rocks off all this time. You enabled this, stupid, she chided herself.

After considering what life would be like with no confiding in each other, no talking lest the other person turned it into an argument, and definitely no sex, Rani asked herself whether this was a situation that warranted a separation.

I dunno, she reflected while slightly shaking her head at that nuclear option, people have stayed in worse marriages where they had less to work with. She stood up and glanced down toward the chicken wire on the far side away from her, unaware that someone was coming up from behind.

"Are you and your invisible friend done talking?" Andrea said, shaking Rani out of her deliberation. "Any time you want to discuss it with a real person, I'll be over here feeling like chopped liver."

"What I discuss with Gertrude is none of your business," Rani retorted. "And she's so insulted by what you said that she ran off crying."

"Tell her to get us some sandwiches on her way back," Andrea joked. "Seriously, though, you're somewhere else. What's going on?" Rani sighed.

"I don't know, girl," she said, "it's a little heavy." Andrea pushed the head of her spade into the ground and leaned her elbow atop it, her full attention on her friend. Rani hashed out what she'd been debating in her head all that time and that she was on the precipice of leaving her husband.

"But there isn't really a smoking gun in any of this," she said. "He's never hit me, he hasn't lost all our money, he's not cheating on me. He eats what I cook without complaining; he still takes out the garbage and changes the furnace filter.

"We just drifted apart somehow and I'm feeling stupid for wanting him to be more like he was at the beginning of our marriage instead of... whatever blah version of himself he's become. Am I awful for thinking this way?"

"No, honey, you're not," Andrea sighed. "Ultimately, we all decide what we're going to put up with in the long run, and whether staying outweighs leaving." She adjusted her sun hat. "It's easy when the evidence leans heavily to one side, like if you have a fantastic marriage or an abusive one. This... this is much harder."

"I mean, where am I going to go, anyway?" Rani asked out loud. "It's not like I have 10 other men chasing after me."

"You could if you wanted to," Andrea reasoned, tilting her head to one side. "You're proof sexuality isn't a choice, hon. If I had the ability to snap my fingers and turn, I'd switch teams for that smokin' hot ass." Rani burst out laughing.

"Poor Terrell," she said. "And here I thought I was terrible for checking out your rack."

"Seriously, the Weather Network?" Andrea asked incredulously. "He's more interested in the seven-day forecast than eating out his wife? I mean, I know they're at the age where they're figuring out they have a favourite chair, but at least Terrell still pretends to hump me in the kitchen when I'm tying up the compost bag."

Rani and Andrea howled with laughter to the point their students about 10 meters away looked over in bemusement.

"But isn't this how every marriage turns out?" Rani finally asked when they caught their breath. "Am I being unreasonable in wishing there was still some fire when ultimately, neither of us will want to have sex anymore?"

"That's when you're in your 60s or later! You guys are half that age," Andrea responded. "And it's not that he doesn't want to have sex; it's that he wants to have some status quo version of it that works just enough to please him. He's upset that you pulled back the curtain and let him see the truth that it hasn't been pleasing you."

"But that's my fault," Rani admitted.

"Part of it, but I get you wanted to spare his feelings," Andrea countered. "We women in general need to re-train ourselves to stay dead silent if it's not working for us. And we have to do that from day one. They want the truth; let them figure out if they really want it when it's staring them in the face in its full ugliness." Andrea kneeled down to pull some weeds around the tomatoes, when a thought struck her.

"What was he doing during the years you weren't faking it, that he decided to stop doing lately?" she asked.

"It's been 12 years so it's a little difficult to remember every move," Rani smiled. "But I don't know if it's that he's stopped doing something good. It's more like he's mindlessly doing the exact same thing while not considering it might not be good anymore. I don't know if my body's changing or if he's phoning it in, or both." Andrea ruefully shook her head in response.

"Well, he's being deliberately obtuse if he thinks it has nothing to do with him checking out the chance of precipitation on TV instead of in your vagina."

The two of them crumbled to the dirt in fresh hysterics, Rani relishing the ache that formed in her side although she was clutching it in discomfort. She hadn't had a decent conversation in a while, let alone one that left her in stitches.

"Thank you," Rani finally said, gasping for air while on her knees in front of a bean sprout. "It doesn't matter that we might be going around in circles with no solution; I'm just glad to be saying these words out loud."

"Look, sweetie," Andrea thoughtfully replied, "Maybe I'm the wrong one to be giving you advice because I haven't even been married as long as you have. But one thing my mom told me is that a decades-long marriage is largely a crapshoot. You either grow together as people or you don't, and it's not something everyone has control over.

"Just wait it out," she advised. "You're looking for some definitive event that will tell you to leave him, but you may be pleasantly surprised. What if it all works out between you two and that smoking gun you're looking for turns out to have blanks?"

***********

Remembering Andreas's encouragement, Rani tried to stay positive over the ensuing weeks and looked for the moments it seemed things may have been lightening up with her husband. She didn't want to be the one holding out the white flag. But she did speak to him about routine issues, testing the waters as to whether he would snap at her.

When he actually gave her answers about what he wanted her to buy from the store instead of responding with "whatever," she stayed cautiously optimistic for a few days. When he texted her from work to not cook because he was bringing paneer wraps home for dinner, she was encouraged.

For weeks, Rani took care to keep herself as cool as possible, to not disturb the fragile balance she thought they were on their way to achieving.

It's way too soon to discuss sex, she deliberated. Would he even want it at this point? He feels embarrassed and wronged so he might get angry if I approached him... but that means he's not going to approach me for the same reason. She wrinkled her nose and grimaced, not being able to figure out how to overcome this conundrum.

All the while, it quietly sat in the back of her mind that it wasn't a great sign she was reduced to calculating every move while walking on eggshells with her life partner.

It was only after Rani returned one afternoon from a meeting with Payal's grade six teacher that she felt she no longer had the luxury of avoiding a longer discussion with Dhanush. They engaged with the girls throughout dinner, Rani remaining in state of heightened awareness as to when she could intercept her husband.

After the girls helped clean up and went upstairs to do homework and chat with their friends, Rani noticed the moment Dhanush started to make his way toward the den, then stopped him.

"Hey, can I talk to you about something?" she asked tentatively. Dhanush paused, then slowly turned around in the darkened hallway.

"Is it... is it about us?" he asked.

"No," Rani quickly responded, not sure if she saw relief or disappointment on her husband's face in the dim light. "It's about Payal." Looking slightly concerned, Dhanush went back to the living room where he sat on the opposite couch from his wife.

"I met with her teacher this afternoon," she started.

"Like a parent-teacher interview?"

"No, those are only done in November. Mrs. Bryce asked me to come in to talk about something else, and it wouldn't have concerned me if Payal's grade five teacher hadn't called me in for something similar this time last year. I decided then it wasn't so concerning that I needed to tell you, but it may be now."

"Okay, I'm worried," Dhanush said. "Is she okay?"

"Yes. But both teachers recommended we get Payal tested for ADHD and autism," Rani finally said. Dhanush was silent.

"But... she's doing well in school, isn't she?"

"Oh, yes, of course," Rani said. "She's almost at high school level math and she's only weeks away from coding an entire website herself. She can't keep her mind on what she's supposed to do in Language Arts, though."

"I don't get it," Dhanush said. "What's the problem then?"

"Mrs. Bryce has a son who also has ADHD so she recognizes the signs in Payal. She always needs some stimulation with her hands; something to fidget with. She'll get up and walk around as often as she's allowed to, even if it's going around the classroom and then back to her desk.

"She doesn't know someone's talking to her if she's coding, and doesn't even feel hungry or thirsty--I know we've both noticed that at home," Rani went on, hoping Dhanush would catch on. "She still has great difficulty keeping calm if she's interrupted in a task, even if she knows she'll be able to come back to it soon.

"These tendencies have always been there but we brushed them off as something all kids do, when they weren't. Remember when she was younger and we had to check to see she hadn't forgotten her underwear before leaving the house? We thought she was just absentminded but that was an early sign."

"Okay," Dhanush said slowly. "But how is any of this going to prevent her from functioning? I thought you were going to tell me something was seriously wrong with her." Rani was confounded.

"She's... she's having trouble functioning now," she said, not sure how she could be more clear.

"No, she's not," Dhanush argued. "You just said she's doing great in a bunch of important classes. Autism is mental retardation, isn't it?"

"Wow, no," Rani couldn't believe they were on such different wavelengths or that Dhanush still thought that term was okay to use. "Autism is being neurodivergent, and doesn't always have something to do with developmental challenges.

"The fact that Payal is smart is irrelevant. She doesn't process the world the way most of us do. Everything she's doing, she's doing in spite of not having the tools to be able to function in the way society requires her to. With a diagnosis, we can get her those tools and hopefully take some of the pressure off her." Rani was struggling to phrase the same ideas in a way her husband would understand.

"Neurodivergent..." Dhanush shook his head. "Here I was scared when you said you needed to talk to me about Payal. What is with everyone trying to label everything nowadays? You're just making a mountain out of a molehill."

"You know what, fuck you, Dhanush," Rani spat out, surprising even herself.

"Excuse me?" Dhanush rose to his feet, anger creeping onto his face.

"All this time, I was trying to salvage this ship, thinking I could prevent it from going down," Rani's true thoughts started to tumble out as she watched her hands shake. "Now I see that that ship was already destroyed and I'm losing my mind here trying to save a pile of driftwood.

"I... I can't do this anymore. I can't sit here and explain to you that people are allowed to like what they like; that Valentine's Day might be a commercial holiday but it's no skin off your goddamn back if people get to derive a sliver of joy from it.

"I can't fake orgasms for the rest of my life," she went on, watching her husband bristle, "and I can't keep trying to spare your feelings when you say whatever you want to say to me, and then dismiss my reaction to your being an asshole as me being emotional.

"And most of all, I cannot stand by and not get my daughter the medical assistance she needs because you're too much of a condescending jackass to admit you may not know certain things. What's worse is your refusal to learn even after having it explained to you."

"Well, I'm the best you've got, Rani," Dhanush said. "I'm willing to forgive you for all the terrible things you just--" Rani snorted, then broke into a full-on chuckle. A part of her was amazed she actually found this awful situation somewhat humorous. Then it dawned it on her she was laughing out of relief.

"Forgive me? I'll spare you the indignity of having to do such a thing." Rani felt the respite of clarity and freedom, like she was tearing off the most uncomfortable bra after a long day. Except the restraint here was her marriage, and she didn't know until she was freeing herself how suffocating it had become.

"I'm going to file for divorce tomorrow and I'll serve you the papers by the end of next week," she stated with absolute surety. "I'm only telling you this now because it would be easier on everyone--especially you--if you accepted them at home instead of me sending a process server after you at work."

Dhanush stood there with his mouth open, to the point Rani was about to tell him goodnight and go upstairs since it seemed he wasn't going to respond.

"Who are you cheating on me with?" he finally said, his voice low and accusing. Rani burst into fresh peals of laughter, incensing him further.

"Cheating on you?" Rani asked incredulously. "Is this the best you can do, Dhanush? Do you really think I need another man to replace you before I can leave? I have my job; I can run this house and take care of the girls on my pay alone if need be." She shook her head, giddy with the weight that she had just dropped off her shoulders.

"Maybe we'd be in a different place if you realized a long time ago that I don't need a man. I was with you because I wanted to be. Every time you didn't consider my feelings, every time you didn't even give it a thought that I could possibly be right, every time you gaslit me--all those occasions made me want to be with you a little less. And then a little less the next time.

"I tried to adjust for the sake of the girls and to not blow up our family, but you told me just now that you're not only lazy when it comes to me; you're also lazy when it comes to our daughters."

Dhanush opened his mouth to object but Rani shushed him with a raised finger.

"I don't care what your messed up opinion is; you're not entitled to try and pass it off as facts against countless medical professionals, many of whom are autistic themselves. I'm not going to stay here and pretend your ignorance is every bit as valid as their expertise. Either read up about autism and ADHD or forget joint custody if a judge doesn't think you're going to act in our kids' best interests."