Effeminate and Finally Free

"Really? I thought gay guys didn't really like the female stuff."

"The thing I've learned about gays and lesbians is that there is just as much diversity in their preferences as heterosexual folks. If it makes you feel more confident, I'll confess to being partial to guys like you. In fact, I'd love to be a part of that journey with you." Mikey's big sigh of relief brings a smile to my face and elicits my own big sigh in return.

"Brad, I can't really describe how relieved I am to hear you say that."

"Like I said Mikey, I'm into it -- I had plenty of girlfriends in high-school but after awhile realized I'm a bit more into guys. But, I really like the fem boi dynamic -- I like the fact that often there's a somewhat submissive personality in guys who have a strong feminine side to their soul. So I think we can have a lot of interesting times as we find out just how deep your inner feminine soul runs. Maybe I should start calling you Michelle?"

Brad's wink and his smile tells me all is well and I feel hopeful for the first time in such a long time.

*****

Part Two: Mike Starts The Journey To Being Michelle

That first night after coming clean about our homo desires, Brad shares his bed with me. We snuggle naked as we kiss each other's lips like lovers, our tongues dance together in the darkness and our hands explore each other's body like famished animals looking for something to satisfy a growing hunger. Having never kissed another man before, the thrill of his lips on mine -- the feel of his tongue parting my lips and dancing with my own tongue -- it's so perfect and so far beyond my fantasies of what this would be like. Just kissing him is more wonderful than I could have imagined. When Brad gently encourages my face down his muscled chest and belly, I know what's expected and approach my task with a pent up enthusiasm that is hard to control. When my lips feel the head of a cock, I'm again amazed at the smoothness of it. Back and forth I mouth just his swollen cock-head enjoying the feel of it in my mouth -- when I feel a creamy wetness slowly making his cock-head even smoother and more silky, his hand gently pushes and I take his cock as deep into my mouth as possible -- when I gag, he eases his fat swollen man-meat out of my mouth, I take a breath and go down again, and again bobbing my mouth on his hard cock. A thrill of excitement builds up -- for the first time in my life I'm confidently sucking a man's cock and bringing us both so much pleasure. When Brad eases his cock from my mouth and turns onto his side facing me -- I adjust myself into position, and once again take his hard cock into my mouth -- a mouth starved with pent up need and desire to do this one thing -- suck cock and bring pleasure to a man -- to my man. In this new position Brad is able to move more freely and very quickly he's literally fucking my mouth! At first I panic, then surrender all control to him and let him have his way with me. Such an unexpected feeling flows over me as I lay passive under him and surrender my all into his care. With him being in control, that gives me a feeling of being safe -- leaving my only goal to bring both of us this intimate pleasure.

For a novice, Mickey is a damn good cocksucker. As he services my cock, I reflect on the fact that it's been a long time since I had anyone steady in my life -- or in my bed. I couldn't have arranged for a better room-mate if I'd had the chance -- he's actually just about as perfect as it gets. His surrender to my cock, while somewhat unexpected -- it's a perfect surrender. I feel him getting the hang of sucking cock when it's more of a surrender than with him actually doing much -- letting his mouth become a pussy for another man for the first time. We both keep going until I finally have no choice other than to feed him my cum -- he doesn't flinch, pull off or pause in his service to my cock as I empty myself into his mouth. I get off of him and lay there spent as Mikey -- as Michelle slowly mouths and licks my softening cock -- it feels wonderful the way he so gently takes care of my needs. "Michelle, that was one of the best blowjobs I've ever had -- you're a natural baby ... and we're gonna grow closer every night. Do you want a boyfriend? You wanna put on some pink panties and be my girl every night?"

His question of pink panties and being his girl fills my entire being with a feeling that is beyond anything I've ever felt. Reluctant to give up the cock in my mouth, I gently suckle his softening cock, using my tongue to play with it -- my own little cock straining and tingling like I've never felt -- humping the bed under me and still savoring the moment when Brad shot his load into my mouth -- suddenly I loose my ability to hold my own orgasm back -- I know I should stop sucking him before I make a mess, but it's too late! I fling myself over onto my back trying to avoid a big mess on the sheets -- just in time as I empty all the pent up need onto my belly. I take Brad's hand and guide it to the mess in my pubic hair, on my belly, chest and all over my dick.

"Oh yeh Babe! I can see that you defiantly enjoy servicing a man -- did you enjoy eating my cum?"

"Brad, it's all so wonderful I can't believe it's really happening -- I fear I'm having a dream. But yes, I love having your cum in my mouth and I hope it can be there often -- and also in my butt-pussy if you want to do that ... uh, I mean if you're sure you're not put off by me being feminine?"

"Babe, I love you just the way you are. Let's just both relax into this and believe it'll work out really good for us both. Now we better clean ourselves up a bit and get some sleep. But this is just the first day of many days we're gonna have together ... just think of all the ways and things we can explore together. Most of all, don't worry about me not liking you just the way you are -- I'm so stoked you came into my life. What do you think about me calling you Michell when it's just us together?"

"It'd be sorta like a dream come true. I've often thought about the name I'd want if I were a girl ... umm it'll maybe feel a little weird too. But I'm game if you are."

After our first big fuck, I bring Michell into my bed so we can be close. She snuggles close -- her warm small body feeling so perfect nestled into mine. We don't need words -- it's like we're both riding the same wave of some newly discovered secret wave -- a connection on a level I never even knew existed. She's exhausted and soon I feel her dozing off into what I hope is a wonderful night's sleep. I'm too amped up to sleep, her body so close and warm -- so soft and naked -- I'm getting hard again, but no more tonight ... she's had enough.

*****

Part Three: Michell's Awakening.

As the semester of school work unfolds, the obligation to my football team plus the load of studies takes more and more time. It all piles up on both me and Michell as the days unfold in such a seemingly continuous routine. But at night, after the obligations of the classes, football practice and the homework are fulfilled, the energy in our shared dorm room is alive with a current that runs deep and powerful. Each day Michell grows in confidence with being a guy during the day and a very feminine version of that at night in the privacy of our room. Michell hasn't built the confidence or courage to come out of hiding -- as the days unfold, it seems he --she ... whatever pronoun she is quite content being my secret. I know I'll just have to let her figure it out at her pace -- it's really the only way to go.

***

For the first time in my life I'm so completely satisfied. Sitting through my classes, I'm too often looking forward to taking care of Brad's sexual need every night -- I treasure and crave the feel of his hard manhood buried in my body -- I tingle with the knowledge that his sperm is inside of me -- in my mouth and stomach ... and in my butt-pussy. Why that thought is such a powerful thing, I don't know -- it just is and it feels so important that I keep opening myself for his pleasure -- and my own sanity. And each day that I'm so fulfilled makes it harder to even think about a return to who I was as a guy. I've worked so hard to be 'that guy' -- and still I'm not. But the leap to a full transition with all the surgeries and costs involved is simply impossible. We've talked around and about going full transgender physically. I always get down and depressed over these roadblocks and my limitations ... then Brad is always there and able to bring me back. The closer we grow, the more we rely on each other to fill the empty hole of being alone with our problems and worries.

But instead of just giving up, the ever growing need to be more feminine moves me and I try to do the little things that feminize me without being too obvious to others. I keep my toenails painted, wear my panties under my jeans, wear a stretch bralette under my shirts and use just a dab of makeup that no one has noticed yet. On occasions, when Brad and I go out, I'm able to ditch the closed toed shoes and wear my sandals so my beautiful paint job can be enjoyed out in the open -- I've become quite artistic in the way I paint my toenails and it's become sorta like a quiet place I can go for awhile and think about nothing but the art work in front of me. And yet despite all the trouble, I'm pleased to be able to go this far in being the pretty and delicate person I want to be. Deep down, I know this is probably as far as I'll ever get to go on this journey -- I accept that I'm not a female and after some more research on having the operation, I'm thankful I don't experience the severe gender dysphoria associated with a stronger and deeper transgender situation. The more I learn about being trans, the more in awe I am of the vast diversity in humanity. Deep down, I wish I could have skipped having to be one of the oddballs -- and then on another day I'm so happy to be feminine and get this chance at love with my man.

It's Brad who truly fulfills my need to be feminine. He actually likes my small cock and tells me that it's cute and that I should treasure the pleasure my 'little guy' brings me. When he sucks me, I too love my little guy, the super sensitivity that drives me into a floating bliss and the ability to ejaculate cum into his loving mouth. It's an unexpected intimacy we share and never get tired of. The night he lovingly fucked me for the first time is the night I think of as finally being free -- finally being free to explore my female soul. Now, just to be on my back, legs spread and lifted with my hands under my bent knees while he fingers my boi-pussy, lubing me and getting me loosened up while sucking on my little clitty-dick until he drives me to desperation. But it's when he mounts me and fills me with his own hard need -- slowly and softly at first until my lubricated puckered hole opens up for his man sized cock -- his weight holding me down and giving me a sense of the submission and femininity I crave. He keeps my nipples larger and more sensitive with a suction bulb -- now, even my soft bralette is enough to trigger my nipples to awaken and grow hard. Is it everything a woman could hope for? No, but it is enough? With Brad's feelings for me and the way he cares for me -- yes, it's enough for us both.

In fact, we share Brad's bunk every night -- careful to not get too noisy lest others in the next room were to hear us. As the days unfold, life feels more normal with each passing day. Still, deep down in some dark place I think that both of us holds our unique individual fear that at some point this is going to all be dismantled and we will go our separate ways. I try to drive my doubts away telling myself that time may still be a long couple of years in the future -- so, why worry too much now? I try my best to please him and all in all, the life we share is the most fulfilling I've ever known ... and Brad says the same thing.

But, neither of us has said the word 'love' yet -- but for me at least, the feelings of love reside hidden just under the surface -- I can only hope it's the same for Brad. Perhaps it's just a scary word for him -- I keep my mouth shut knowing that confessing love does seem so permanent and so full of commitments ... I'm not afraid of that commitment and only time will tell if the seeds of love will open and sprout something even more beautiful than what we already share. For now, he treats me like a woman -- he makes love to me like a woman -- it's more than I ever thought I'd have. I'll hold my love close to my own heart and hope his love can grow enough to make him want to stay.

*****

Part Four: Brad Finds Us An Apartment

As the Spring Semester enters it's waning days, Brad surprises me with the news that he's found us an off-campus house. The cost isn't much more than the dorm, and it's close enough to walk to classes. "Oh, Brad -- that's wonderful news! No more sneaking into the shower!"

"I thought you'd be pleased and I am too. We'll have more privacy and it'll be more like a home. I kinda like the idea and sound of a home with you."

All I can do is rush to him and hug him and kiss him, "I can't wait! When can we move in?"

"It's empty right now -- so as soon as we can get out from under the campus housing, we can move in. It's sorta furnished, but don't get your expectations too high -- it's just a small older house that's seen a lot of college students come and go over the years -- but, it's not a dump. I put a deposit on it contingent on the cooperation of the college to not hold us to the dorm rent. I don't think it'll be a problem, I've known a couple of guys who checked out of the dorms mid-semester."

It pretty much goes down as Brad had expected and suddenly we find ourselves in a place of our own -- our first home as a couple. It isn't new and shiny, but we both know how to put some paint on walls, rent a steam-cleaner for the carpets, and find inexpensive furniture at garage sales and used goods dealers. After little more than one month, the place is clean, shiny and smells a lot better than when we first moved in.

But the most wonderful part is the freedom to dress more feminine. It's like some invisible weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Loosing that invisible oppressive weight makes me want to be even more loving and accommodating to Brad's needs -- both sexual and simply taking the lead role of caring for the house and shopping and such. But he does his fair share of all of that too, which makes it even easier to fall deeper into our exploration of love.

The greatest reward is the fact that we both can enjoy a much more open and nude lifestyle now that there are no prying eyes to be concerned with. For my part, I'm able to strip out of my school camouflage as soon as I get home each day and dress in pretty clothes that make me feel more grounded and normal. Like many women, I have way too many clothes -- mostly long cotton print dresses that remind me of hippie clothes I've seen in old pictures, too many panties -- panties of so many colors and styles I worry that I have a fetish for them. For Brad, he says the greatest reward is because it's his first time getting to come home to his soulmate. No more sneaking around, no more secrets to shield.

"You know, it is really nice to come home to find such a beautiful woman in my house -- it's like a beautiful fairy has decided to move in with me. How was your day?"

"It was good. Nothing special, just another day closer to the end of this chore they call education. I guess I'm learning some new things -- but does it ever feel to you like it's mostly just a rehash of what we learned in high school?"

"Yeh, a lot of it's just repetition. But I'm starting to get into some deeper stuff this semester. Thankfully the math isn't too difficult -- the electrical engineering stuff is getting pretty theoretical and advanced. Just one more year after this one though and we'll both be finished. I've enjoyed most of this experience, but it's nice to know we're both getting close to being done. I'll probably miss the football though."

His cheerful talk of being close to being done sends a tremble through my body. For the first time ever the question of what comes next fills my thoughts with confusion and fear. "You know, it just dawned on me that we've never talked about what comes after we graduate. Have you given any thought to what happens to us? I guess I never thought that far out."

Her words and question are sobering -- I've not thought that far out either. "No, I guess it never crossed my mind about what comes after we graduate. Michelle, one thing I know without much pondering is that I don't want to be without you in my life. What are your plans after we finish school?"

"To be honest, I've never given it a thought either. I do know that I don't want to loose you out of my life either. I guess we should both think about it some, eh?"

"I'm not sure there's much for me to think about Babe. I can tell you this; I have a hard time picturing my life without you in it. You've filled a hole in my life I didn't even know existed until I met you. Things may get harder for us given the still archaic beliefs some people have in regard to what's normal and acceptable sexual identities. I suppose one thing we should strongly consider is just where we choose to live -- it has to be in one of the more enlightened and progressive places. Beyond that, I guess I'd hope that we just stay the same. You'll have to always be open and honest with me in regard to how you're coping with any dysphoria. I'm a hundred percent happy with you just as you are ... really, only you can know or decide where your path leads. Is the need to be physically female getting stronger?"

"Not really, no. To be honest, I'm kind of afraid of all the surgeries and pain -- not to mention the impossible costs of going through it all. At this point, I'm actually doing good -- I think the fact that you like me the way I am fulfills most of what I need. I mean, in my daydreams it'd be nice to have a pussy -- but I'm okay with what we have and it's not a big deal at this point. Who knows if I'll get crazier as time goes forward -- but right this moment, I'm good so long as you're with me."

I walk to where she stands and enfold her with a hug. Oh, what I'd give to be able to snap my fingers and wish all of her burdens away. As tears dampen my eyes, I ponder the burdens she carries -- my love for her is all I can offer -- my love and never ending support ... but oh how I wish I could kick over every hurdle she has in her path. To get away from the depressing issues, I shift the conversation, "You're so beautiful in that outfit -- are you trying to get me in bed again?"

We break our hug just enough for me to look up to his face -- I see his damp red eyes -- the kiss is just a natural next step for us as we stand close supporting each other. "Don't worry Brad, you can't take away my weirdness -- just try to not let me become too heavy of a burden."

Her words refuel my tears -- her selfless strength is ever amazing to me. For a long time I've doubted that I could be as strong as she is if it were I who had to deal with everything she has to deal with. It sobers me to think that my little Mikey is stronger than I am -- and I have no doubt about that. I force myself to throw off this black cloud trying to cover us. "Okay, enough about tomorrow's worries -- it's a good day in our house. And I hope you're ready for some messy sex tonight young lady -- being this close to you has driven me into a passion that I can't repress." She giggles at my silliness and drama -- it's all I wanted, to make her laugh as we pull the curtain down on her burdens once again.

*****

Part Five: Why Does This World Have To Be So Cruel

As I make my way home after another day, I realize that the little rent house is a life changer. We're actually living as a married couple might. No one nearby has even noticed that Michell isn't a female by birth -- she's become a master of disguise over the years she's been at this and always gets the lingering look of men. I'm happy when she's happy and proud of the lingering looks she gets from men -- of all the females I know, Michelle deserves those admiring looks.