Elvira: Family Secrets (alt ending)

Nothing. The statue was sporting the same fig leaf the first one had.

"What the hell?!" Elvira whipped the sheet from side to side, hoping to find the mysterious object trapped in its folds or hidden beneath it. There was nothing. Just a dusty tablecloth.

She wasn't even surprised when she saw the third statue and its phantom bulge. This one was definitely bigger, by several inches, and was tipped at a jauntier angle than the others. Elvira gulped, normally she would think it was just the alcohol but after her disastrous adraka kozerole dinner and the letter she and Bob had discovered from her aunt...she didn't know what to believe anymore.

"You know what...screw this!" The bizarre events were helping to sober her up but the alcohol warming her belly was still enough to get her ire up. Rather than slowly approaching like some scream queen getting ready to pull back a shower curtain, she squared her shoulders, thrust out her chest (or at least thrust it out further) and stomped down the hall towards the statue. "I'm getting to the bottom of this."

Reaching the sheet-covered objet de 'art, she thrust her hand out and grabbed the phantom erection hiding underneath the cloth. Her heartbeat sped up as her fingers closed around a firm, familiar shape.

"Oh...wow..." The shape under the cloth was even bigger than she thought it was, wide enough around that her hand couldn't completely encircle it. There was no mistaking it for anything other than a cock. She could even feel its warmth through the thick sheet and the faint sensation of a heartbeat hammering against her palm.

For a moment, she was too enraptured by the thing's girth to think straight. Without even meaning to, she gave it an experimental stroke, drawing her fingers down towards the base. The movement provoked an involuntary twitch from the mysterious member, finally breaking the spell. Indignation didn't quite replace arousal, but it definitely muscled its way into the forefront of her consciousness.

"Okay, buddy! I don't know who you are or what games you're playing, but I've got you now!" Using the handful of cloth that was still caught under her fingers, she gave it a sharp yank. With a triumphant yell and the sound of billowing fabric, the figure underneath was revealed.

Another statue.

Another fig leaf.

"What is going on here?!"

Before she could continue to vent her angry confusion, there was a sound from the living room: The boombox suddenly squealed with feedback, followed by an otherworldly laugh over the sounds of Black Sabbath. Several loud, wooden thunks punctuated the music.

"Ozzy...was that you?" Her mind was still a bit fuzzy, but she was pretty sure that that song wasn't on this album. She poked her head through the door.

The living room was a mess. Chairs had been knocked over, lamps toppled and the large chandelier that dominated the room was swaying gently back and forth, casting odd shadows from its flickering lights. The boombox was still playing, but it was a garbled mess of static and slowed-down backwards lyrics that was barely recognizable as music.

"C'mon, that's the only decent tape I've got left!" She quickly stepped over the fallen furniture to the boombox. She slammed the eject button several times but there was no response, just the horrible grinding noise of the tape being devoured. She smacked the side of the boombox fruitless, trying to use her long, black fingernails to pry open the door to the tape deck. Finally, it burst open and, with a squeal of angry static, spewed yards of magnetic ribbon into the air, covering Elvira's head like streamers.

Before she could mourn the loss of her tape or untangle its gory remains from her hair she was interrupted by a loud ripping noise from behind her. Spinning around, causing the tape to swirl around her, she could see the source was the large portrait of her great-aunt Morgana. The painting hung at a drunken angle and someone had slashed the canvas right across Morgana's face. Four diagonal slashes...like claw marks.

"Who's there?!" Phantasmal peckers were one thing but this level of chaos was more than Elvira could handle. She stepped into the center of the living room, turning slowly around to make sure no one could sneak up on her. "I'm warning you, I'm probably a witch or something. So you'd better stop screwing around, buster!"

The only answer was the sound of glass hitting wood as the bottle she had left on the coffee table suddenly toppled over. As Elvira watched, it began to spin on its axis, like some bizarre game of Spin The Bottle. The half-empty bottle spun faster, sloshing liquor all over the antique coffee table.

"Come on! Not on the rug!" She dashed over to the table and snatched the bottle up. It felt oddly heavy, as though there were something inside of it. Curious, she peered into the mouth of the bottle, trying to make out the contents in the small amount of light that filtered through the thick, green glass.

"Aaack!!" She pulled back as the liquid in the bottle suddenly erupted. Foamy, expensive alcohol sprayed out like a freshly opened Champaign bottle. The first spurt caught her full in the mouth while the rest of it sprayed her face and chest with the unusually sticky liquid. Elvira coughed, nearly choking on the mouthful of burning liquor that had just blasted her in the face.

"Oh, now I have had it!" Dripping, sticky and furious, she slammed the now-empty bottle down on the table. The soaked strings of magnetic tape clung tightly to her face and chest. "I'm going straight upstairs and I'm getting that cookbook and I'll find a spell that will let me shove this bottle right up your-"

That was when the doorbell rang.

**************

Chastity Pariah pressed the doorbell again, holding it down longer this time. She was standing outside the door of the Talbot manor. The place used to be an eyesore, Morgana Talbot had refused to landscape her property and seemed to take glee in how much its gradual decay drove down her neighbor's property values. But at least the old wreck had possessed a kind of grim dignity. Like Morgana herself had been, it was an elder thing that persisted long after it should have fallen apart.

But now...now it was an abomination. A grotesquely festive nightmare of clashing colors and rotting ancient architecture. The lawn was covered in paint splotches and carelessly dropped soda bottles and in place of curtains, several of the windows were covered by polka-dotted beach towels.

A nice cleansing fire would do wonders for it. She thought grimly as she leaned on the doorbell once more, keeping the button held down continuously. She was dressed for bed, her hair in curlers, shoes in fuzzy slippers and her body draped in a floral nightgown.

"WHAT?!!!" She jumped a little as the door slammed open, revealing the angry form of Elvira Talbot.

The hussy's appearance was always shocking, with that slinky black dress that barely covered anything at all, but now she looked even more bizarre. In addition to the ridiculous bouffant and her breasts half-exposed the woman was draped in some kind of thin black streamers. She was soaking wet as well, causing the tracts of exposed skin to glisten in the porchlight. She was breathing heavily as well, breasts heaving against the wet fabric of her dress, and absolutely reeked of alcohol.

"Miss Talbot! My word, have you been drinking?"

"What does it look like, honey?" Elvira growled. Chastity could make out a slight slur to her voice. "Look, now is not a good time. Can we talk about whatever-it-is next week? I should be out of town by then."

Chastity's heart practically soared to hear that. The woman had been an absolute plague on Fallwell and the sooner she was gone the better.

"Well, I'll be so sorry to see you go." She cooed, sweetly. "But I came to ask if you could please turn down your...modern music. You see, the walls of these old houses are pretty thin and you could practically hear a pin drop. Let alone that crazy rocking and rolling."

Elvira rolled her eyes and heaved a large sigh. She picked a length of wet, black tape off of her face. "It's already off, happy now? Good, see you later. Or not."

Both of them started slightly at the sound of bizarre music coming from inside the manor. It was garbled and sounded like Latin or Greek, accompanied by weird, howling flutes and pounding drums.

"Then what's that?" Chastity raised one eyebrow, archly.

"Look, I already ripped the tape out and unplugged the damn thing, if you think you can stop it, be my guest." Elvira moved aside, gesturing for Chastity to enter the house. The scantily clad weirdo was probably thinking that she'd be reluctant to come inside. Chastity Pariah is made of sterner stuff than that, you hussy.

"Well, I'll just come inside then." She gave Elvira a tight, unfriendly smile and swept into the house.

"You sound like my last boyfriend."

"What?"

"Nothing."

Chastity did her best to ignore the miserable state of the place. Elvira had clearly been partying, like all those loose city women liked to do. Chastity stomped down the hall in her fuzzy slippers towards the sound of the so-called music.

The boombox was in a terrible state, laying on the floor with magnetic ribbon spilling out of it like the innards of a gutted animal. It was indeed unplugged, but the bizarre music still emerged from its speakers and Chastity could see tape being churned by the spindles.

"Well...I'm sure it must have batteries. I'll just take those out, if you don't mind."

Elvira didn't respond, she just leaned against a large wooden cabinet, watching Chastity try and figure out where the battery compartment was on the thing.

**************

Upstairs the attic door slowly opened, the aged hinges squeaking in protest. If anyone were there, they would be able to hear a soft, intermittent scraping sound...like something being dragged across the wooden floor. As the non-existent witness watched in horror, they would see something emerge from the shadowed depths of the attic.

Assuming that the same insubstantial witness had also seen Elvira investigating the mysterious "salami" earlier in the night they could be forgiven (if they existed) for not realizing that the thing crawling from the shadows was one and the same. No longer as dried-out and withered, it's true nature could be determined: a disembodied penis.

It was about eight inches long now and almost as thick as a flashlight handle. No longer a dry, ruddy brown it was now a mottled reddish-green color and glistened in the light with a slimy sheen. It ended in a slightly ragged stump, as though it had been recently severed.

The bizarre appendage reared up, curling like an alert snake. Its bulbous head turned from side to side, almost like it were testing the air for some kind of scent. Apparently satisfied it stretched itself out to its full length before contracting, pulling its rear body forward like an inchworm. Slowly and silently, it made its way towards the stairwell, leaving a glistening trail behind it as it went.

**************

Elvira was currently watching with wide eyes as Chastity Pariah slammed a candlestick into the speakers of the boombox. Failing to find a battery compartment or any kind of obvious way to silence the music she had tried forcefully pressing every single button on the device, yanking the ever-growing mass of magnetic tape free of the tape deck and even opening the casing up to try and tear its wires free. Every single attempt only caused the boombox to get louder and more distorted and seemed to fuel the violent rage in Chastity's heart. Now she was simply trying to destroy the thing, smacking it into the wall and smashing it with the heavy antique candlestick she had yanked from the side table.

Remind me not to cross her when she's holding anything sharp. Elvira mused as Chastity, her hair tearing free of the curlers and bobbing around her flushed face in tangled ringlets, threw the boombox on the floor and began to jump up and down on it. As her fluffy slippers pounded the machine into a pile of plastic and circuitry, the horrible screeching noise emanating from its speakers finally began to die with a drunken warble.

"There. All better." Chastity tucked a stray hair away from her face, sweat beading on her forehead. Suddenly she was all cheerful smiles again, as though she weren't standing in the middle of the shattered remains of a 200 dollar tape player.

Elvira was about to respond when she felt something touching her back. She spun around, but there was no one behind her...except the feeling hadn't vanished. It felt like a pair of hands pressed against her lower back and slowly spreading apart to rest on either side of her hips. She looked down, trying to find the source of the sensation.

There was nothing there.

She brushed her hands along her waist, trying to push off whatever was holding her, but they met no resistance. But the sensation remained. She could feel the hands clearly, feel each finger as they gently, but firmly, gripped her through the fabric of her dress.

"Are you alright, dear?" Chastity had noticed Elvira's strange movements and her face was fixed in its usual mask of contemptuous motherly concern. The effect was lessened somewhat by the loose curlers dangling from the side of her face and the wire-covered candlestick she still held in one hand.

"Fine!" Elvira gave Chastity a cheerful rictus grimace. She really didn't want to try and explain to this busybody that her house was haunted and that she might be a witch. For some reason, she had a feeling that the news would be poorly received. "Everything's fine. I'm justoooaaaaaah!"

Her words trailed off into a sound of surprise as one of the phantasmal hands moved unexpectedly southwards. She could feel it sliding along her skin, moving beneath the fabric of her dress without even rustling the material. Her eyes widened and her mouth formed a loud "O" of surprise when the hand slipped underneath her panties and brushed over the soft rise of her pubic mound before stroking against the lips of her vulva.

"Not without buying me a drink first!" She whispered angrily, trying to squeeze her legs together in order to stop the groping ghost or handsy haunt or whatever it was. It was no good, the fingers seemed to slip in no matter how tightly she squeezed, causing her to squirm in place as it prodded against her slit. She waxed regularly, but a tiny town like Fallwell didn't exactly have a place to get a Brazilian, so some stubble was starting to come in. She wasn't proud to admit it, but the feeling of those invisible fingers brushing against the skin and stroking those tiny hairs was pretty incredible. Especially since she had been left particularly wound up by the near-miss with Bob earlier in the evening.

"Oh, dear..." Chastity stepped closer. Her face was concerned and sympathetic but her eyes glittered with malicious glee at the distress Elvira seemed to be under. "Is it...the drugs? Are you having one of those withdrawals I hear about?"

"I'm not...ah...not a junkie!" She did her best to keep her knees from shaking as the overly-friendly fingers continued to stroke and tickle. Despite her shock and irritation, it was starting to work. She could feel her body warming, opening up. She let out a little yelp as one of the phantasmal fingertips slipped inside her.

Unseen by both women, the crawling penis entered the room, crawling across the ceiling in defiance of gravity. It inched doggedly along, heading towards them.

"You know, there's no shame in admitting you have a shameful problem." Chastity's smug smile was wide enough that it almost split her chubby face in half. "Maybe you just need to spend some time in church. I'd invite you to ours but you did say you were going to leave, didn't yo--sweet tiny baby virgin lord Jesus Christ!"

As Chastity had been spouting her simpering faux-charity, the hands prodding Elvira's undercarriage suddenly moved upwards. Gripping Elvira's chest, each invisible hand cupping one of her breasts, it began to massage them vigorously. Chastity's eyes were wide with shock and locked on Elvira's chest as her half-bared breasts began to move on their own. At first, they simply bobbed up and down but then they started to move in in a circle, one clockwise and one counter, as the lecherous entity became bolder.

Elvira glanced down at her rotating tits before looking up to meet Chastity's confused and frightened gaze with a shaky grin.

"Uh...it's an old showgirl trick."

"What? Showgirl?!" Chastity's amazement and fear were immediately replaced by indignation.

"C'mon! You can't tell me you don't know a few." Elvira slapped chastity on the shoulder, doing her best to ignore the feeling of her breasts being squeezed together by some impertinent poltergeist. "I've never met a girl named Chastity who hasn't done a bit of pole work."

"Well, I never!" Chastity humphed indignantly.

"Trust me, that's obvious. Maybe if you did, it might dislodge that stick from up your-"

Before she could finish, Elvira felt a tugging at the back of her dress, pulling it away from her back. At that exact moment the mobile penis, which was now dangling directly above the two women, released its unnatural grip on the ceiling and fell, head pointed straight down. Its aim was true, depositing it right into the back of Elvira's dress.

The sudden sensation of something wet and clammy slipping down the back of her outfit caused Elvira to jerk straight up, eyes wide open and back stiff. Chastity took a step back, uncertain what caused the reaction. Her confusion deepened as Elvira began to wiggle and writhe, slapping at her hips and back.

For Elvira's part, she was doing her best to pin down whatever slithering thing was crawling along her body, crawling beneath her dress with great speed and agility. Unlike the ghostly hands, this was definitely physical and several times she managed to slap her hand down on its wriggling length, only for it to slip away, tickling her skin as it crawled along. Suddenly it changed direction, heading for Elvira's waist, still sensitive and damp from the spook's touch.

"Oh no, you don't!" Elvira grabbed the empty bottle from the table and, as Chastity watched in stunned shock, she smacked it several times against her pelvis. There was a thump as the object fell out of her long dress, rolling out from underneath the black fabric right in front of a surprised Chastity Pariah.

Chastity wasn't one to think twice about intruding on someone else's business so she immediately bent down and picked up the thing without even stopping to examine it. Her eyes almost bugged out of her skull when she saw what she was holding: a large, discolored and half-limp phallus.

"Elvira! Is...is this a marital aid?!" She gasped, clearly wondering where Elvira had been keeping the thing.

"Well, I sure as hell ain't married." She tried to grab the thing out of Chastity's hands but suddenly it began to thrash about, wriggling and squirming like an angry snake. Chastity shrieked in surprise and disgust as flecks of translucent slime spattered against her face.

"Don't let it go!" Elvira shouted, but it was too late. The phallic thing squirted out of Chastity's hands like a wet bar of soap in a prison shower. Elvira tried to snatch it out of the air but as soon as her fingers closed around it the wayward penis slipped free and shot into the air once more, before coming back down.

Somehow, it managed to slip right past the tight buttons of Chastity's nightgown, imbedding itself halfway into her cleavage. Chastity howled like a banshee, her hands spread and her face frozen in shock as the disembodied dick wriggled violently, its ragged stump thrashing back and forth as it tried to dislodge itself.