All Comments on 'Emily's Weekend Ch. 01'

Your sentences right from the start are choppy and nearly the same length, which is tiring or tedious for readers. Here's a little suggestion:

"It was a weekday afternoon, and I had just completed (my shift as teller) at the bank where I worked part time. I was getting ready to leave for the community college (from which I) would be graduating in another week. (You have "getting ready to leave" twice in a row.) (I was heading out for the day when) the branch manager called me over(period)

"Hey Emily! got a sec?"

I sat down in front of her(period).

"So now that you're graduating next week, would you like to work here for full time, rather than as a temp? It would mean more money(period, not a question mark)" She (said, and )quoted me a figure. (I jumped at the (offer) I had been hoping she would make). The money was a more than welcome change too (from the little I had been earning). I accepted (the job) and left to go to college."

"It advertised this Adult Store " The words "adult" and "store" are neither proper names nor titles and should not be capitalized.

You give us no idea why this young college student who works in a bank is suddenly compelled to drive to a store that sells handcuffs and chains. Did she always like the idea of those? Did she read a book, see a video or a picture that turned her on or intrigued her? What made her go there, out of the blue? Then she agrees to be handcuffed with a some scruffy older man, and we still don't have any idea what she's thinking or feeling. You need to SHOW more, instead of telling "she did this and then she did that".

" I sensed the beginning of a orgasm. I was both surprised and embarrassed beyond my imagination! I am not a virgin and I've had orgasms during sex but it was surprising to get one without sex." - I don't know if that is supposed to be erotic or sexy, but it is not. Again - only telling with no showing.

There are quite a few typos and proof reading errors as well.

Feel free to ignore all that, but I hope it may help.

The constant repeat of words within the same paragraph is tedious and annoying. You'd do well to seek an editor. Lit offers them for free.

I'll be honest with you. I had engaged one of the Free Volunteer Editors. What you see is as a result of the same. I do not wish to name to editor but I can if you care to PM. Now as to Typos, I assume you do know the distinction of spellings for British English vs American English.

"I'll be honest with you. I had engaged one of the Free Volunteer Editors. What you see is as a result of the same. I do not wish to name to editor but I can if you care to PM. Now as to Typos, I assume you do know the distinction of spellings for British English vs American English."

Even in your rebuttals, you make the same mistakes. "Free Volunteer Editors" - those words should not be capitalized. "Typos" is not a proper name or title - no capital letter, and you should know this even without an editor. These have nothing to do with English vs. American English. These are goofs made by someone for whom the simple rules of writing are a mystery. Really, these are rules I had learned by fourth grade. If you had an editor, you need to find one who does know basic English (since it seems you do not) because the one you employed does not.

"Eventually he inserted his penis in my vagina"

Jesus. Well, that certainly aroused me. I think that sentence sums up everything that is wrong with this story and with your writing. Are you putting us on? I see you've written non-fiction before. I assume they must be instructive manuals - "Fit Tab A into Slot B." That's how this story reads, even discarding all the grammatical and other errors. BTW, you shouldn't need an editor to tell you not to capitalize random words, not if you've completed at least an elementary school education.

I was so hoping that your first language is not English, but I see you mentioned British English vs. American. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking you're from an English-speaking background yet write this way, as though the most basic English is a second (or third) language for you? Dear God! There is no hope for literacy.

To whoever mentioned "He inserted his penis into my vagina" - some people can get away with some poor grammar and still write a hot story. That? Really and truly, is that what you consider sexy? I just inserted my dinner into my microwave and I think that may have turned me on more than did this story. But maybe the robotic sex is suitable, since "Emily" seems to have no feelings at all, no matter what's being done to her.

"Since I could care less at that time" Wrong! That means that you DO care. The proper way to say this is, "I couldn't care less." Get it? Please STOP writing. Now!Start Googling for instruction in basic punctuation and sentence structure. When you feel you've learned at least where to put a period, try again. If you had an editor, he or she probably gave up in tears of frustration.