Entertaining at Large Ch. 18

'You're a stripper?'

'Yup.'

'That's really brave. Is it a turn on?'

I burst out laughing. I don't know what I expected her to say but it certainly wasn't that.

'It is. You were talking about you and Nigel.'

'Oh yes. Well I was screwing this guy in the back of his Fiesta one night...'

'Ouch. I remember what that was like.'

'When I started thinkingI wish it was Nigel. Freaked me out a bit to be honest.'

'I bet your boyfriend wasn't too pleased either.'

I turned off the water and grabbed a towel.

'He was just some guy I picked up at a party. I didn't tell him anything.'

'Nigel?'

'Yeah. Well since then I've got to, you know, really like him.'

'He's a nice guy.'

'That's the problem. That and the fact that I haven't had, you know,sex...'

She silently mouthed the word.

'For the last month. I haven't felt like going out with anyone else since I started getting the hots for him. Even my mum's getting more than me.'

She lowered her voice to a whisper.

'I think he's a virgin.'

I kept a straight face. It wasn't the time or the place to put her straight.

'What makes you say that?'

'He just doesn't get it when I come on to him. I've tried everything. I even went into his room one night when he was staying over. Told him I couldn't sleep. He just sat up with me and talked. We were both practically naked but he still didn't make a move. He's really funny sometimes, you know, and he's not as puny as you'd think looking at him.'

I was getting dressed and pulled a fresh top over my head while she reminisced.

'In my experience there's only a couple of ways to get a shy guy to know you're interested. The type that thinks he's not good enough for you?'

'Yes?'

She looked like she was ready to take out a pencil and make notes.

'One, unzip his flies and put his cock in your mouth. Or two, wait until your mum's away...'

'She's staying at her boyfriend's this weekend actually.'

'Good. Then, if you're really serious, ask him to come over and cook you a meal.'

'He's a really good cook. Makes loads of different things.'

'And - this is the important part - tell him to make sure his condoms haven't passed their use-by date. Works every time.'

When she finished laughing she told me she thought option two would be the least embarrassing for Nigel. I gave her a handful of my own prophylactics from my hold-all, just in case. I put on my coat and packed my bag ready to go to the Crown.

'Now, about the pub.'

'What's the problem? Nigel said it was a bit rough, but that he really liked it.'

'He told you about the strippers?'

'Yeah, but he said only on Fridays - oh, and Sunday lunchtimes. He said it was quiet on Wednesdays. He didn't tell me you were one though.'

'Probably 'cos we're friends and he didn't want to give you the wrong impression. Did he mention George?'

'The fat landlord?'

'The very same.'

'He said he was a bit intimidating, but that if I drank his beer and laughed at his jokes I'd be fine.'

'Did he mention that George'd put the screws on you to perform?'

'You mean, like strip?'

'Yes.'

'Me?'

'You.'

We were walking along the deserted back streets towards the pub. It was dark and a little frightening if you didn't know the area. She slipped her arm through mine again as we took a few steps in silence.

'He wouldn't. I couldn't. Would he? No.'

'There's a couple of old biddies who go in there. Over eighty probably. He hasn't tried anything with them. So far as I know, that is.'

'Take my clothes off in front of a crowd of men? Old men?'

'He's made it his life's work to try it on with every other woman who goes in there. You're young and very pretty. I'll be counting the minutes. It'll be less than five.'

'What shall I say?'

'If you fancy trying it, say yes.'

I paused. I didn't get the impression that that was what she wanted to hear. But she didn't say she wasn't interested, I noted.

'If you don't,Fuck off George sometimes works if you say it loud enough and often enough.'

'OK.'

'I was hideously burned as a baby and underneath my shirt my body's a suppurating mass of scar tissue and open sores would definitely slow him down, but he might insist on a private viewing. There's only one way I can think of that would definitely stop him.'

'What's that?'

'Tell him your dad's a superintendent in the police. At least he was until he got suspended for beating to a pulp a lad he found holding your hand on the way back from college one afternoon. That should do it.'

We were both laughing now. We turned one last corner and could see the lights of the pub at the end of the street.

'One last thing before we go in.'

'There's more?'

'Nigel's one of the lads in there.'

'He is?'

She sounded incredulous.

'So if everyone thinks you're virgin-Nigel's virgin-girlfriend they'll make you welcome and treat you with as much respect as they can muster. Which is not much'

'Well I suppose I am in a way.'

''If they think they're in with a sniff of a chance though, one of those sod's will have your knickers round your ankles and bent over a table in the back room before you can say Bacardi and coke.'

I pushed open the door and then caught her arm.

'And half his mates will be asking for sloppy-seconds when he's finished. Welcome to the Crown and Anchor.'

The place was buzzing. Word of our victory had obviously got round. Someone shouted.

'There she is. The hero of the hour.'

A ragged cheer went up around the place. I raised an arm in acknowledgement. Nigel was in the centre of a small crowd gathered round the team. It looked like Wot was urging him on in the telling of the story of his heroic defending. He gave us a little wave. I put an arm around Alice and we pushed our way to the bar. Alan took my bag and our jackets from us and stashed them at the team table for safe-ish keeping. George was waiting when we made the bar.

'Evening ladies.'

'George.'

'Yours is a pint. What can I get for your beautiful companion?'

'Bitter please. What would you recommend?'

She'd obviously taken on board what Nigel and I had told her. George beamed and leaned over the bar as far as his fat would let him. He gestured us closer with his head.

'I've got this new beer in. Sheepshagger or some other bloody stupid name. It's from Yorkshire. They might be a bunch of moaning bastards up there, but they do know how to brew a good ale.'

'Sounds perfect, I'll give it a try.'

'Half or a pint?'

He made he question sound as if there might be untold consequences from a wrong answer.

'Pint please. Does anyone ever drink halves anymore?'

George laughed and slapped the top of the bar.

'That's it, I'm officially in love. I thought you were a stunner when you walked in the place. When you took off your jacket and I saw those tits for the first time, well. But a lass who drinks pints with a body like a goddess, I've just got to ask.'

He stepped back and started getting our drinks. Alice glanced at me a little warily and I gave her a nod of encouragement. She was doing OK. George put the overflowing glasses on the bar towel in front of us and watched while we took our first sips.

'Not bad, George. Not bad at all.'

'Ask what George? This beer's really nice, by the way.'

George stretched even further over. I could see the whiteness spread in his second chin as the blood vessels drained and compressed. He dragged his eyes from the pert boobs which were stretching the tight T-shirt she was wearing. I guessed the were a large-B or a small-C. I smiled to myself as I took another slurp of beer.

'Have you ever thought about starting a little sideline in the entertainment industry, ducks?'

'Me? I have sung a bit at school and college, I suppose, and we all have our dreams when we're young, don't we?'

Alice took a quick swig of her beer but kept hold of the glass as if it might provide some kind of barrier between her and George should it become necessary.

'I was thinking more in the dancing line. You've got a lovely body. There's more than a few in here who'd love to see more of it. I bet you move beautifully. Fancy giving it a go? It's good money and the boys are nothing if not kind and supportive.'

I suppressed a snort and kept my eyes on the younger woman trying to read her reaction. Alice dropped her eyes and reddened slightly. I was reminded of the line in those Victorian novels where the heroinecoloured prettily. It was only when the blush came to her cheeks that I noticed how pale and clear her complexion was.

'You don't mean striptease dancing do you? I mean, I couldn't. It's just not me.'

'Oh I don't know. You look like a game girl to me. Always looking for a challenge, eh? And you'll never know unless you try it. Fifty quid for a couple of spots on a Sunday dinner, plus all the tips. Even if you decided you didn't want to go on with it - and let me tell you, you could make a fortune if you put your mind to it - it'd be something to chalk up to experience and you'd be going home with a decent wad.'

Alice looked at me with fear in her eyes and back at George as if she couldn't quite believe what she was hearing.

'When Susan told me she did it, I must admit I was shocked at first, but she did tell me it was a bit of a turn on.'

'Suzette's one of our stars. Not many Fridays she doesn't go home with a couple of hundred in her purse. Tell her, love.'

George licked his lips and looked as if he could smell the scent of victory in the air. Alice flicked her eyes to me and I just pushed up my eyebrows for an instant. I couldn't read her. She took a long swig of her beer.

'I did have a chat with Susan - is Suzette some kind of stage name?'

I nodded.

'We spoke on the way over here and I must admit she did get me thinking. She said you'd probably ask me and I must admit, my mind's been in a bit of a whirl ever since.'

She took another long pull on her beer and I have to confess my breath was as bated as George's clearly was. There was a definite tinge of purple to more than one of his wattles. His grin broadened and his eyes dropped to her breasts again, now with something of a proprietorial edge to them.

'Normally, I'd just sayno and leave it at that.Fuck off George is not the sort of language I'd usually use. My mum definitely wouldn't approve. No?-fuck off? Fuck off?-no? Which one works best for you?'

George's face fell as she pivoted her free hand one way and then the next as if balancing the two options she'd outlined. I almost dropped my glass as my body's muscles concentrated on not wetting myself laughing. The little-girl grin on Alice's face changed quickly to trepidation as a meaty arm swept her off her feet. Mandy had been watching, and she had no qualms about letting the full force of her enjoyment loose in a gale of laughter. George was pointing a stubby finger at me.

'You put her up to this, didn't you? I always said you had a mean streak in you. And after everything I've done for you.'

I stood on the brass foot rail to give myself the height to punch him in the shoulder.

'Leave it out George. You didn't think I'd let the friend of a friend just wander in here to be exposed to the full blast of your charm without a heads-up did you? I've got to say though three-and-a-half minutes, that's a new record in my book. Cheers.'

I raised my glass in Alice's direction. She was looking flushed and a bit sheepish as she regained her feet. Mandy still held her firmly to her breasts, though, and she looked distinctly squashed.

'I'm Mandy. You must be Nigel's girl. That was the best laugh I've had in ages. Pleasure to meet you. Stop scowling George and get the lass another pint on the house.'

Mandy leaned between us to put a couple of handfuls of empty beer glasses on the bar and then stood back to take a good look at the newcomer. She chucked her cheek and then bent over to kiss the mark her strong fingers had left.

'You're a looker, aren't you? I can see why the old bastard was so keen to get you up on stage. That Nigel's a lucky boy. I hope you're taking good care of him.'

'Mandy's George's wife. This is Alice. You are naughty. You even had me going there for a minute.'

We all three started laughing at the sight of George's face when he came back with two fresh pints. He grimaced in my direction.

'These are on Bert's slate. You're paying for your own beer from now on. And you still haven't given me the number of that sort with the stupendous knockers.'

He stalked away muttering to himself. George, and Steve too for that matter, had been trying to get Monique's details out of me ever since her one-off visit some weeks earlier.

'Not a hope in hell.'

I said to his retreating back.

'She'd never forgive me if she found out.'

Mandy and I started laughing again. Alice looked confused.

'Why don't you two go and sit down. I'd better take the old sod in the back room for a hand job. Get him his equilibrium back.'

'Mr J not in tonight? He's Mandy's boyfriend and a right old charmer. You'd be well advised to watch yourself around him too. Come on let's go and sit down.'

Alice was looking a bit overwhelmed by all the information she was getting. We both drained our first pints and reached for the seconds. Mandy patted us both on the shoulders.

'Lovely to meet you Alice. Maybe we'll talk later. And you. Don't you criticise my Oswald. He's a proper gentleman.'

'Whatever you say, Mandy.'

'One last thing, Alice darling.'

She looked up expectantly.

'I'd watch how much of that you put away.'

She nodded at our beers.

'I was as slim as you once. George, It's your lucky night.'

She had glanced meaningfully up at the framed portraits over the bar, shouted her last comment across to the now grinning fat one and then disappeared completely. As usual. Alice swivelled around trying to see where she'd gone and then turned back to me frowning.

'She's a bit full-on, isn't she? Did you see where she went? What did she mean about the beer? Those photos are a bit explicit, don't you think?'

I laughed. I ticked off the answers to her questions on my fingers.

'Yes. No, I've been coming in here for about a year and I still haven't worked out how she does it. And, yes, those pictures are pornographic, not explicit, they're of Mandy when she was younger. That's what she meant about the beer.'

Alice looked up at the pictures again. Staring this time, and looking back at me for confirmation that I wasn't lying to her. James and Mr J had spent ages adjusting the grainy, nineteen-seventies, girly-mag images of Mandy almost pixel by pixel. The result was spectacular. No one would know they weren't taken yesterday.

They were another reason for my good mood recently . Ever since I'd told George of my worries about being exposed as a stripper in the firm I worked for, everyone had worked hard to expunge as much evidence as possible of my history in the Crown. The postcard set Mr J and James had produced of my photoshoot were now collectors' items and the poster-sized blow-ups which used to fill the space Mandy's now enjoyed, were stacked in my spare room waiting for me to decide what to do with them.

'It's all a bit overwhelming when you first come in here, isn't it? I'd start worrying if you ever start feeling the place is normal.'

'Thanks, Susan.'

'What for? About bloody time, Nigel. We we were beginning to think you'd been kidnapped.'

A slightly flushed Nigel put a fresh pint on the table and eased himself clumsily into the seat next to Alice. He looked from one to the other of us apologetically.

'Sorry both. I got a bit carried away. They all wanted me to keep describing the match and people kept buying me drinks. Everything OK?'

'You missed Alice having to go into bat against George. All on her own.'

'Oh, jeez. Sorry Alice. I just didn't think. Are you alright? God, I'm so sorry.'

He looked crestfallen.

'Bit late now, sonny Jim.'

I wagged a finger at him. Let him stew for a few seconds, then lightened my tone. I couldn't suppress a grin.

'She was brilliant. Wiped the floor with him. You should have seen his face. Mandy almost wet herself.'

'Really?'

Alice nodded modestly as he questioned her with his eyes.

'You'll just have to wait until the full story gets right round the pub. You'll be sorry you missed it.'

I clinked glasses with Alice who was looking a lot more comfortable now Nigel had arrived.

'Nigel!'

An old briefcase of mine ricochetted against the leg of my chair as Scarlett hurled herself onto his lap. She had an arm round his shoulder and looked, smiling into his eyes before clamping her mouth on his. She was stunning. Her red hair was tied back on a tight bun and she was wearing a well-tailored business suit over a crisp white blouse. It was quite a picture. The suit was an old one of mine and I studied it closely, impressed with the job Mandy had done in fitting and sewing. You wouldn't know it hadn't been made for her. Alice looked positively shocked as the clinch went on. Even I was beginning to think of setting the timer on my phone's stopwatch as Nigel's arm appeared behind her back.

Eventually Scarlett disentangled herself, stood up straightening her clothes and bent over to kiss me on the cheek. She the pulled the skirt back up to show she was wearing stockings And then tugged the skirt down again.

'Meetings all day. Don't know how you put up with them. I could murder a drink.'

Mandy put a bottle of aloe vera-flavoured alcopop in front of an empty chair at the table. Hugged Scarlett and then pushed her down into it.

'This is Alice. Nigel's girlfriend. George says he's very sorry, darling. But I couldn't get him to promise not to do it again.'

'Bloody hell. Sorry Alice. You should have said.'

Scarlett turned a stern face on the blushing Nigel.

'But in my defence, can I just point out that he put his tongue in my mouth first.'

She reached out a hand across the table and squeezed the back of Alice's. Both of them smiled at a thoroughly humiliated Nigel as he spluttered a combination of apologies and denials. They let him go on for a bit and then Alice took one of his hands in both of hers to make him shut up. Mandy put another bottle, this one a vile green colour, down on the table as Tracey sat down.

'Thanks mum. I'd have kissed him too 'cept I've just been sucking off Bert.'

The rest of us around the table checked Alice's reaction. She looked surprised but no longer shocked; she was obviously getting used to the place. Tracey took a long swig from her bottle and then turned to me.

'You lot have got to start losing again. I'm going to get that repetitive strain thingy if you keep this up. There's Luke.'

Her face lit up as she saw my teammate on the other side of the bar.

'I'll see you all later. Nice to meet you, Alice.'

Her lightening visit left us all looking round to see who was going to provide the next entertainment. Bert put a tray holding three pints and another alcopop down as she disappeared.

'Just a little thank-you for your support.'

He looked around the table smiling.

'We smashed the bastards didn't we?'

He punched the air before turning back through the throng, receiving congratulations from most of the regulars as he made his way to his usual seat next to Alan at the far end of the bar.

'This place is a bit excitable tonight. What's going on? Has George found a new stripper?'

Scarlett looked pointedly at Alice who just looked innocent and kept staring round the large room herself obviously fascinated by what was going on.

'We won. Four-one. Had our biggest crowd of the season. And it was all down to Bert.'

Scarlett's eyes widened a little more at each revelation until the last. She punched me on the arm.