Entertaining at Large Ch. 18

'Now I know you're taking the piss.'

'Straight up. We were one down at half-time. Bert came up with a new tactic. There was a surge in crowd numbers.'

I indicated Alice and Nigel who were, I noticed, still holding hands. Scarlett laughed.

'And we put four past them in the second half. Wot scored the last one. What have you been up to? You're looking very business-like.'

Scarlett groaned and took another drink. Mandy reappeared causing Alice to start and put down yet another fresh bottle. She took the seat Tracey had vacated. I heard it creak.

'I've been playing footsie with a bunch of wankers all day. First at the football committee - there's a group of girls want to have their own little tournament before the main competition. I just said yes. But no, apparently they didn't follow the right procedures. There are forms. They're eight-years-old for fuck's sake.'

'Poor you.'

Mandy laughed And gave her a hug.

'Poor me's just the half of it. This afternoon I spent a tedious two hours with the production manager at theCourier and that creepy journalist George likes so much. He's not in here, is he? I could really do with twatting someone and he'd fit the bill perfectly.'

'George is always available.'

Mandy, Scarlett and I dissolved into giggles. Nigel and Alice joined in a little more nervously.

'No fucking idea. I told them in the end that I'd do all the lay-out myself. Do you think Mr J would do the writing, Mandy?'

'Course he will, sweets. I think you're doing an amazing job.'

It was clear from her tone that an executive decision had been made.

'Its my own fault really. I should have known when he asked me to give him a hand, I'd get lumbered with all the work. So far his only contribution has been to keep sayingmake sure you get lots of lasses with big tits for the amateur night.'

It was an impeccable impersonation, right down to her scratching imaginary balls when she finished. Even Alice got it and she'd only met him the once. Nigel explained.

'I told you about the reopening. As well as the soccer, there's an amateur night, a special afternoon for pensioners and some sort of gala event on the Friday. Everyone's really looking forward to it.'

'You missed out the Ladies Night. Frankly, that's my biggest headache at the moment.'

'How so?'

I'd never seen male strippers. I was looking forward to it. Scarlett sighed.

'I could shell out for professionals. I suppose that's what I'll end up doing. But who really wants to see a bunch of steroid-freaks covered in fake tan and baby oil waving their dangly bits about. It's so... tacky. I don't suppose you fancy volunteering, Nigel?'

Mandy and I had started laughing at her description of the current option. That was exactly what I'd expected. It was clear Mandy was thinking the same. Then there was the idea of anythingnot tacky happening at the Crown. It was priceless.

Alice's laugh was more one of incredulity at the thought of Nigel taking part. She squeezed his hand tighter and elbowed him playfully. Scarlett had spoken with a tone that betrayed her expectation of another knock-back. The man himself was keeping his own counsel while we giggled.

'Course I will.'

There was instant quiet around the table.

'What did you say?'

I was the only one who spoke. Mandy cackled and rubbed her hands together in anticipation - Nigel began to look like he might be having second thoughts at the sight of her enthusiasm; Scarlett went straight for her briefcase and pulled out a notebook and pen to record his acquiescence; Alice's mouth just hung open in surprise as she stared at him.

'If you need numbers, of course I'll volunteer. I'm sure there's be loads better than me. I don't mind dropping out if you get too many.'

'Too late to back out now, stud. You'd better start thinking of what stage name you're going to use.'

Scarlett snapped her pad shut and put it back in the case. She was grinning from ear to ear.

'You mean, you'd take your clothes off in front of a group of women? Everything?'

Alice was still processing what she'd heard.

'Yes. Scarlett's a mate and if she's got a problem I'm only too happy to help out. Besides, I watch the girls down here all the time. I like strippers. Some of my best friends are strippers.'

Scarlett and I raised our drinks to him when he looked across at us.

'Be a bit hypocritical if I wasn't willing to step in when Scarlett can't find volunteers.'

Alice just kept looking at him as if she'd never met him before. I must say I was a little confused by his logic too. We all looked round when a cheer went up on the other side of the pub. My team mates, it seemed, were replaying some of the top moments from our victory. Unlike Bert's inquests, when he used beer mats and empty glasses, they had arranged other customers to represent the opposition and made a goal from two empty chairs. George was shouting his objections from behind the bar.

'You should go and sign that lot up while they're drunk on success. They think they've got the biggest dicks in town at the moment.'

'You're right. Why didn't I think of that? Back in a mo.'

I had been joking, but Scarlett had a new fire in her eyes. She picked up her briefcase and walked purposefully across the room as Wot kicked a rolled-up newspaper into the empty space between the chairs and raised his arms in celebration. I turned back to the other two. Alice was still trying to work out who this Nigel was, and what happened to the one she thought she knew.

'So you wouldn't mind If I did it?'

'I don't get you?'

'If I got up on stage and, you know, did a dance?'

He put his other hand over hers and shifted in his seat to face her.

'Of course I wouldn't. You're stunningly beautiful and if you want to show off what you've got I'd be all for it.'

Alice looked just slightly disappointed.

'Even if I became a stripper?'

'Being a friend means supporting someone in whatever they want to do. I'd love you less if youdidn't do what you wanted to do because some guy said no. There'd only be the one problem I'd have to deal with.'

I don't know whether Alice had noticed the L-word. I certainly had. I listened with renewed concentration as more cheers went up across the room.

'What's that?'

'I might have to fight to get a seat at the front. And you know how much I hate violence.'

Alice let out a little laugh and raised their clasped hands to her lips.

'You mean you think so little of me and Scarlett you're quite happy to hang around at the back when we're strutting our stuff, is that it?'

Things were getting a bit intense. I thought I'd try and ease things down a touch. Nigel came right back at me.

'Not at all. It's just when you and Scarlett are on I know I'd get beaten to the ground if I even thought about pushing in.'

'Touché.'

'Isn't he sweet? It's making my knickers damp just listening to him. Thanks for that Susan. All sorted.'

Scarlett tossed her head towards the lads who were now all cavorting about doing extremely bad impersonations of male dancers. It wasn't pretty. She poked Nigel in the shoulder to get his attention.

'I'm thinking of calling you the Bonsai Boys. You know, like real pricks but much, much smaller. First rehearsal on Sunday after dinner.'

'Put me down for ten tickets. The girls I go cycling with won't want to miss this.'

'And I'll have four. I've got a couple of friends who like that sort of thing and I'm sure my mum will want to be there.'

I couldn't tell whether she was joking or not. Nigel put his face in his hands and groaned. Scarlett had her pad out again and was scribbling our orders.

'I wanted to volunteer too.'

'You want me to put you down for amateur night? Are you sure?'

'No, not that. Not yet, anyway. Nigel said you wanted girls to play in the football.'

'You play? I thought she was the only nut in the fruitcake.'

'Alice's centre forward for the college women's team. She's brilliant.'

Nigel took his hands down and looked at her proudly.

'Great. You got any mates who'd be interested? They all say they'll get it sorted, but you know what blokes are like. Eric.'

She shouted across the pub and waved furiously at one of the engineers when he looked up from his table. He stood and up sidled across looking guilty.

'Eric, meet Alice.'

She stood up to shake hands. He looked her up and down with a broadening grin.

'You one of the new strippers? Me and the lads...'

'Take your brain out of your underpants, you wanker. She's your striker for the tournament. I presume you've not done anything about recruiting anyone?'

'Well.'

'Thought so. Give her your number and tell her when she can get together with you for training. Or whatever It is you do before coming down here for a pint.'

Scarlett made more notes as they tapped at their phones and then picked up her empty bottle.

'It's your round, Eric. Call it a signing fee. Three bitters and one bottle of this. George or Mandy know what I like.'

Mandy was at the table with the tray before Eric had a chance to pull out his wallet.

'Congratulations on your new signing Eric. Make sure you get her a shirt that fits. None of that skin-tight Lycra stuff just so you can ogle her boobies.'

She held out her hand for the money.

'Why don't you come across and meet the rest of the team, Alice? It'll save any argument when I tell Josh he's been dropped.'

'I just need a private word with Nigel first, if you don't mind? We'll be over in a sec.'

She pulled Nigel to his feet and dragged him over to a space near the door to the toilets. That's about as private as it gets in the Crown. Eric was still loitering. I thought he might be under the misapprehension that one of the drinks was for him, so I pulled the tray closer to protect it.

'Susan?'

'Yes Eric?'

'Do they really do Lycra football shirts in girls' sizes?'

'Fuck off, Eric. The internet's got more than porn sites on it. You can look it up there.'

He went away with a big smile plastered across his chops. Scarlett and I looked at each other and then across at Nigel and Alice. She looked like she was trying to swallow him whole and he looked like he was cooperating in the endeavour.

'Isn't young love wonderful?'

'Makes you sick to look at it. It'll end in tears. I'm going to have to give James a ring.'

'He's not with you?'

'Nah, him and Mr J are looking over the final proofs of that book. They're having the launch party in here after the pensioners' do. More bloody work for muggins here, of course.'

She didn't look like she minded too much. We chatted for a bit. I told her about my crisis meeting at work on Friday. Muhammad and I had finished our report and we're going to present our conclusions to the big boss. I was going to have to tell him at the same time that he was considering promoting a promiscuous stripper. I was pretty sure there'd be no advancement after that bombshell. I was just hoping I didn't get sacked altogether.

'Come on. They'd be stupid to get rid of you. You're a genius.'

'Thanks Scarlett. But it's one of those old family firms, been around for centuries.Company's good name and all of that.'

'Tossers. We've got rid of all the stuff with you on it in here. George has made it very clear that limbs will be broken if anyone gabs about what you get up to and who Suzette really is.'

'Sometimes he can be almost normal, can't he?'

'He'd do anything to protect you. He really likes you a lot.'

'Who does? I didn't know you had a boyfriend, Susan.'

Nigel and Alice had clearly finished their private word. I hadn't realised she was wearing make-up until I saw how much lipstick Nigel now had on his face. Young women go for much subtler shades than I ever did.They both looked like they'd won the lottery and were clinging to each other's arms to stave off any slight chance an iceberg or an earthquake might strike the pub and they'd lose each other in the wreckage. I ignored the question.

'Nigel's coming over to cook me a meal on Saturday.'

'Great. I'm pleased for you.'

'I didn't even know she liked Italian. Good isn't it?'

Their interest in outside opinions lapsed again and they sat giggling and holding hands while staring into each other's eyes. Scarlett mimed throwing up into a bucket. I found myself thinking again about whether I was ready to give a relationship a try. This had got to stop.

The Crown hasn't much to offer in the way of relationship therapy. So I decided that taking Scarlett over to make sure my teammates were left in no doubt that they were going to be stripping off in front of a bunch of us girls was definitely going to happen. Nothing like the suffering of others to give you a lift, I reckoned. We shooed Romeo and Juliet over towards the dart board and Alice's new team, at least one of whom was not pleased with the latest turn of events.

As it turned out, a good time was had by all. I emailed work to tell them I would be working at home the next day. I didn't fancy spending what was possibly going to be my penultimate day of employment feeling hungover and maudlin. I could then turn my full attention to the giddy Bonsai Boys.

They quite liked the name. The alliteration, the foreign word and the fact it implied they were still young and attractive appealed to them. Neither Scarlett nor I enlightened them as to why she'd chosen it. The high spot of the evening came when Wot launched into a long speech in Polish.

'He says he's looking forward to it and guarantees an impressive performance.'

Pete translated, even though a five-year-old could have seen that his hand gestures were indicating explicit boasts about the size of his equipment and fanciful promises about the length and energetic quality of the show he would put on.

At the other side of the pub Alice soon had the engineers eating out of her hand. From what I could see, in the periods between applying more cosmetics to Nigel's face with her mouth, she had them just where she wanted them. The football discussion had broken up with her tousling Josh's hair and dragging him off to the dart board.

Over the course of the next hour or so she partnered up with different players in some kind of round robin tournament. Between bouts of congratulating my boys on their football skills and tolerating their attempts at fully-clothed lap dances, I tried to figure out if there were any rules to what was happening.

It was clear that one of her jobs was to retrieve darts which missed or bounced off the rim of the board. The way her arse stretched the leggings she was wearing was subject of much discussion. I guess she would have won every game on that basis, if she hadn't agreed to sit on the lap of a winning opponent as she waited her turn at the oche. She laughed along as they touched her up - nothing too forward - and after an hour or so was grinding down on clear hard-ons with abandon. Nigel watched it all benignly. It was clear to everyone that if they went too far, their new squeeze would skip off with him. Mostly from the way she threw herself into his arms each time she made a good score.

Things started to break up when Scarlett took the Bonsais off for an impromptu rehearsal on the stage. Most of the customers had very clear views on who they wanted to watch perform on that sacred space and they weren't the sort to sit by and watch sacrilege taking place in front of their eyes.

'It's like letting the daft buggers play at Wembley.'

I heard one bloke say to his mate as they started dragging on coats and heading for the door. I collared Alan and made sure he remembered he was driving me home. I didn't/t want him sneaking off. I was probably on my fifth pint by then and way beyond the drink-drive limit.

The darts tournament culminated with Alice lifting up her T-shirt and waggling her boobs at the appreciative gaggle. I don't know whether it was their encouragement or her own dissatisfaction with her style, but she did it two or three times to whistles and applause. She gave each of them a lipstick souvenir to take home to their wives before wrapping herself around Nigel again and commencing a suggestive stagger over to where I was sitting. It was only when she sat down, flushed and a little out of breath, that her new football buddies were able to detach their eyes from her bum and look for their own coats.

'You look like you've enjoyed yourselves.'

'This is a brilliant pub. I can see why Nigel likes coming here. Everyone's so friendly. I think I'm going to make it my new favourite.'

I was tempted to tell her that with tits and an arse like hers she was guaranteed popularity down here, but she looked so excited by the whole thing I decided to keep mum. I felt suddenly quite old. The two of them kissed a lot while Alice poured out her impressions.

'Don't think we're going to get very far in the tournament. They're not a particularly fit bunch. Nice though. They all made me very welcome. Even Josh came round. He's sweet.'

'Did you win the darts as well?'

She laughed.

'You know I'm not really sure. They play really complicated rules here. Every time I thought we were on top my partner would do something which meant we lost.'

'Really?'

'Yeah. Still they were all good sports. Forfeits were weird though. Never had that when I've played before. That reminds me, I wanted to ask you a favour.'

She looked at me with pleading eyes. The kind that pretty girls know make refusals quite rare. I doubted I was going to sayno either.

'But first I've got to go for a piss. I'm absolutely bursting.'

She jumped up off Nigel's lap and sprinted towards the loos. She blew a kiss to George but ignored his attempts to get her to go over and talk to him.

'Don't tell me, you want to know if it's OK for you both tosleep at my house tonight? No problem. But you're changing the sheets. And make sure your mums know you're not coming home.'

'Really? That'd be fantastic. Saturday seems like about a year away.'

'My pleasure. I suppose it'll be yours really. But I'm sure the sound of the pair of you banging away like rabbits will ensure my vibrator gets a good work-out.'

I smiled at him and he blew me a kiss. Then his face suddenly went serious like he'd remembered he'd left the gas on at home, or something.

'That wasn't the favour, though.'

'It wasn't? So go on.'

'I'll let Alice ask you if you don't mind. It was her idea, she's quite excited about it, and I wouldn't want her to think I'd persuaded you or anything.'

'I'm intrigued.'

'I think you'll be OK with it, but... Will you just look at her?'

There was pride in his voice. Alice was back from the toilets and was parading in front of the stage offering vocal encouragement to Scarlett's attempts to choreograph the Bonsais. At the moment, she was limiting herself to trying to get them to stand in a straight line. It wasn't going well. Her efforts probably weren't helped by the female part of her audience shoutingget 'em off and show us your willies and laughing hysterically every time they cocked it up.

'She thinks you're a virgin, you know?'

'She does? Wherever did she get that idea?'

'I think it's because you haven't tried to jump her despite all her efforts to signal that she was up for it.'

'I see. I thought she might have been sort-of interested in me, you know? But I didn't want to spoil our friendship. I blame you.'

'Me? What did I do?'

'All that stuff about respecting women and being nice only gets you so far, you know. Eric and Josh seem to be enjoying the show.'

The two of them - coats on for home, Eric was even wearing a flat cap - were standing alongside Alice staring intently at the stage. Each of them had a hand on her bum which, to my mind, explained their sudden interest in the art of dance. The fact Alice was shaking her hips against them in time with the juke box was giving little incentive for them to take the final steps towards leaving.