Esprit D'escali Ch. 01: Bridge

I hated walking home. Everything about the trip always strung a sense of anxiety through me no matter what time it was or if I'd had a decent day or not. Today was worse, I could feel it. The thoughts creeping back up through the fog of the recent work day like little inky worms - reminding me. It was a gnawing in my thought process, a small urging to say something, do something that I knew as a living breathing being I shouldn't do - but it was telling me to. Eyes darting up, I caught a glimpse of the bridge only a half mile away and the idea was there, the subtle promise of release - of no more fatigue, no more work, no more pain.

Clenching my jaw, my eyes shifted away from the distant landmark - the sensation in the pit of my stomach was a deep craving, a yearning to jump. Just to see how it felt, to know if I would survive the inevitable crash into the churning waters, to know if anyone would even see me, would they care? Perhaps my friends would realize I was no longer able to respond to their texts, my mother would finally wish she had called me or my brother would want to play games with me again - wishing they had maybe said goodbye. A knot in my throat forces my eyes back to the approaching location - imagining myself slipping over the protective railing just to see how it felt. I needed to feel something, this time I would - I had to.

As my mind was now preoccupied with deciding that today was the day, I came to a stop at the walk sign, people passing in their cars - headed back to warm homes and busy offices. I had made up my mind, the thought was so inviting and now I was obsessing over the scenarios in which those who knew me would experience. Would James miss me? Would Andy or Itome? None of them had texted me all day, I was something to be forgotten - something they no longer had time for, I had provided the entertainment they were now bored with.

As my mind filled with excuses, making myself angry and sad all at the same time, someone stopped next to me - a sweet-smelling cologne filling my nose. Blinking, I turned to look up at the man next to me. A well-dressed and well-groomed businessman in a black suit and holding an umbrella. I said nothing, only glanced for a moment but his lips moved as if he were speaking to me - his dark brown eyes glancing over to me for just a moment. Reaching up I pulled the right earbud out of my ear and lofted a brow out of curiosity.

"Huh?" I huffed the sound almost too loud but no one seemed to notice.

"Don't you think the bridge idea is a little cliche?" he repeated his words, my gaze fixated on his lips. The question made me pull my chin back, completely awe-struck by why a stranger would even say those words to me let alone that they would be correlated so perfectly with my thoughts.

"Excuse me?" I was surely making myself look like a fool, even more so as the walk sign blinked and he started moving and I skipped to keep up with his long-legged stride.

"The bridge idea," he repeated, dark eyes under the curtain of dark lashes on me again as a slight smirk pulled his lips, "it is very cliche and honestly, a little worrying." His voice was melodic and intoxicating in a way I hadn't expected from a stranger, let alone a well-dressed man approaching walking with me as the sun began its nightly sink into the horizon.

"What do you mean? I.. wasn't doing anything, I am just on my way home," I spoke as if defending myself.

"You were thinking about it, moreso you've been thinking about it quite often," he kept his eyes forward as I studied his sharp side profile. My lips parted and my brows furrowed - though he was right I had no godly idea how he was so right.

"I uhm... yea I have but, I haven't done anything - I wasn't going to do anything," I continued to defend my thoughts as a creeping heat filled my cheeks.

"You weren't going to do anything today? Are you sure about that?" he asked, his tone nonchalant but I could feel a hint of something familiar - he knew I was lying.

"Well, no - I mean it was just a passing thought," I claimed, reaching up to push a curl of my tousled hair behind my ear and the arm of my glasses.

"An every day passing thought?" This time he looked over at me, his features ethereally beautiful but also incredibly normal at the same time. My eyes sunk into the dark brown pools of his own and a warm swirled in the pit of my belly, a sensation that I'd long mourned the experience of. He felt like a friend, like someone I was deeply connected with and wished to stay wrapped up in.

"Uhm... I mean - uh - wait who are you?" The realization that he was a stranger took hold as I tilted my head, the pair of us dipping through the ever-moving commute of people.

"I am someone who cares about you, even if you may think others do not, there is always someone who does - and that is me," he responded, "The thoughts that you occupy yourself with have started to steer you poorly and I am only here to reassure you."

My brows furrowed in deep confusion as we hit the next don't walk sign, his scent once more filling my nose and the hint of a memory arriving. His free hand reached out and took mine from my pocket, icy cold slender fingers interlacing with my own as if seeking heat. The action felt normal, felt okay and nothing about him scared me - the anxiety and weight of the day had left as my thumb moved over his. I knew him, I just couldn't remember from where.

"Why do you care about me?" I asked the only thing that did not sit well from his statement.

"Because you are precious and you deserve the world, those around you who have neglected you don't need a similar treatment to be told that. You do not need to take your life to spite theirs," his eyes remained forward, his presence warm and reassuring despite the cold touch of his skin. His words made me look away from him and out towards the now blurred lights of passing cars and street lights that were flickering on for the coming evening. Tears started to well in my eyes as my jaw clenched once more and a breath caught in my throat. I didn't want to listen but I knew in the depths of my soul he was right.

"You are loved, Jolene - even if there is no present evidence of it, it's there for you, I promise you that." His voice radiated in my ears as tears fell down my cheeks, my silence and the emotion of being seen overwhelming my senses.

"You should go home, take a long hot shower, and call off work tomorrow. I will have food delivered to you tonight and you can rest. You deserve to relax." His grip around my hand tightened for a moment and my eyes fluttered, sniffling audibly before a soft sob escaped me. It was strange hearing affirmation of my self-worth, strange knowing someone cared about me without me having to earn that care. My thumb caressed his and I took in a deep breath as we came to one more stop.

Glancing over my shoulder we'd crossed the bridge and I hadn't even noticed it and now the ideas that had been invading my thought process seemed trivial - silly almost.

"See, you only have to focus on yourself, and your feelings before losing yourself to the dark grip of the underworld. That sort of thing is my job," he gave a wide grin as I looked up at him. His hand slipped from mine and he bent down to press a gentle kiss to my forehead.

"If you lose yourself again to those thoughts, remember me and I will be here to help. I care about you - we care about you. For now, I must leave you and attend to some business - a sticky cartel meeting is planned to go wrong tonight and I must oversee the cleanup." The grin at his beautiful lips pulled wider in an odd but charming delight.

"Thank you," I sniffled, hand returning to my pocket as the chill he'd left in my palm lingered.

"Don't thank me, please. It's the least I could do. If you get lonely, text me. Malak al-Mawt in your phone, I will be rather busy - as always but you're one of the few good ones left and I feel I should keep the tempting pull of the depths away from you. It is my domain after all."

Taking a step away from me, he gave a slight bow.

"Rest well, Jolene, enjoy your meal and your rest, and remember - you are loved." Before I could get a response out he'd turned and his long-legged stride took him down the street and out of view. My head spun and a sob escaped me as I pulled out my phone to text my brother.

"Hey, want to hang out tonight?"