Everyday I'm Shuffling: Book 2 Ch. 02

I walked by where we had our picnic. I couldn't help but think about that picnic and how I wanted to stay here forever with Jake. We just made up from one of our first major fights. I thought we had talked out our problems with control: him trying to control the relationship and me rebelling against it. I shook my head as I thought about how wrong I was. In my need to exercise my control, I acted immaturely. I didn't think it was necessary to change the way I acted now that I had a boyfriend. I didn't need to necessarily change but I at least set some boundaries. I equated being conscious of Jake's feelings with being subservient. Once I realized that mistake, I overcompensated for it by being a pushover and giving in to whatever he said. I was all over the place and a complete mess. I realized now it didn't matter if we were completely isolated. It didn't matter how much our friends intervened. It was all us. Not him, not me, but us. We ruined our relationship, but how do we fix it? Do I want to fix it?...

My thoughts were interrupted by Jake approaching. He looked good, as always, and my heart skipped a beat.

"Hey." He said, pulling me in for a hug. I hugged him back, engulfed in his warmth and familiar scent. "Thanks for meeting me." He said when I pulled away.

"No problem." I said. "Wanna sit?" I said, motioning to the steps.

"Sure."

When he nodded, we made our way down the steps. We stopped on a step that had a quote from Robert Frost's "Desert Places" on it. I sat on the edge and he sat right next to me.

"Are you sure you don't wanna go grab something to eat?" He asked, turning to face me.

"Yeah, I'm not hungry. I actually just ate with Forrest." I informed him, wanting to gauge his reaction. He stiffened.

"How is he doing?" Jake asked, his tone betraying that he didn't care about Forrest's well-being in the least.

"Still engaged." I smirked.

Jake sighed. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm used to you spending your free time with me, that's all."

"And yet, when I did, we argued. Do you miss that too?" I asked.

"No, I was fixing that." Jake admitted.

"Did you act like that because I remind you of Cara?" I questioned him. He flinched, but he had to know this was coming. Or maybe he didn't. He might have been used to me accepting his words and never questioning them. I couldn't make that same mistake.

"No." Jake started. "But I understand why Omar said that. On the surface, you two are similar. Successful, driven, smart, outgoing, but believe me, that's where the similarities end." He said.

"You lived with her? For how long?" I asked.

"Almost 4 years."

That took me by surprise. 4 fucking years? I never imagined it was that serious.

"We met when I was 20. Back then, I didn't believe in committed relationships. My dad was going through his third divorce; it all seemed pointless. The first year I dated Cara, we weren't even exclusive. At least, I wasn't. I asked her to move in with me to show her I was serious about the relationship." He explained.

"And then she cheated on you?" I finished for him.

He exhaled, heavily. "Eventually. She left me once. She wrote a note saying how we wanted different things. I see now that she was right; our values weren't the same. Back then, I just wanted her back. We got back together and I thought we were good again until I found out she was texting a lawyer from her job."

I watched him, studying his face. The first time he told me he was cheated on, he sounded so bitter and hurt it made me heartbroken for him. Now, he sounded just... drained.

"She swore she wasn't cheating on me, but we broke up anyway. I tried to move on and pretend like I didn't care but I still wanted to be with her. I thought maybe if I was successful and ambitious like the guy she was with, she would come back to me. I didn't realize how wrong I was until I found out she was pregnant." He admitted.

"We slept together once after the breakup. I knew it was small, but there was still a chance it could be mine. I went to confront her. I don't even know what I was doing. I wasn't ready for a kid. I didn't even know if I wanted one. I only knew I still wanted her, and if it was my kid, she couldn't just... walk away from us. She wouldn't even talk to me when I came over. He did." He broke eye contact with me at this point. I grabbed his hand, encouraging him to continue.

"I told him that there was a chance the kid was mine. And if the baby was mine, I'd fight for custody and we both knew Cara would come back to me. He informed me they would be married by the time the baby was born and in the eyes of the law, it would be his child. He threw out a bunch of other legal bullshit about how my rights would be terminated because I wasn't supporting her or the baby. He revealed that she already left me twice for him and the only reason she came back was that she pitied me." Jake stared at our hands the whole time he spoke.

"Jake, I'm so sorry." I said, my eyes filling with tears.

"I'm not. That finally made me see the truth. I wanted to believe her so badly when she said she didn't cheat on me that I missed all the signs. That's what it took for me to open up my eyes and see who she really was. She didn't deserve my trust or loyalty or love. I was finally done with her."

"What about the baby?" I asked, nervously.

He looked me in the eyes. "Back then, I didn't care. Mine or not, I was finished. About 2 months after the baby was born, her husband sent paternity results to my job, proving he was the father. It didn't matter; I wasn't going to fight them anymore."

I shook my head. "How could you not tell me? After everything you asked of me? I don't understand why you weren't completely honest with me. What did I do to not deserve your loyalty or trust?" I asked, looking him in the eye.

"Nothing Lily. After I told Cara I loved her, everything changed. I was immature and selfish, so I knew I had growing up to do but nothing was ever good enough anymore. It was like loving her gave her permission to change everything about me. I... I didn't want that to happen again with you. Up until Vegas, I was fighting my feelings and testing you-"

"Did I pass?" I asked, bitterly as an angry tear fell. I dropped his hands to wipe my face, but he quickly grabbed them back.

"Cariño, I failed. I fucked up. Over and over again. You deserve better. Give me another chance to give you better." He pleaded.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I love you-"

"No. Why did you stay with her if she made you feel like nothing was good enough?" I clarified.

"After the first year of not committing to her, I thought I deserved it. Everyone always told me how lucky I was she put up with me and I believed it. And I loved her. I loved her so much that I turned a blind eye to everything else. " He answered, truthfully.

I nodded. "I never thought you weren't good enough for me."

"I know, but I want to change so I can be the best man for you." He promised.

"Everything she made you feel, I felt the same way. You made me feel that way and I allowed it." I said, tears streaming down my face.

"Cariño-" He said as he wiped my tears away.

"We were together for not even half the amount of time you were with her." I continued, cutting him off. I had to finish before I broke down. "I understand, please don't think I don't, I do. I hope you forgive Cara so you can move on and be happy because you deserve that. I hate that she made you feel that you didn't." I said, before standing up. He looked up at me, and I couldn't handle his somber expression. "I'm sorry. I can't be with you." I said before turning away. I went down the stairs as fast as my legs could carry me. I made it to my car before I burst into tears. I laid my forehead against the steering wheel as I sobbed. I made the decision not to get back together with him, but it still fucking hurt. It felt like I smashed both of our hearts into pieces. I didn't know where to go from here. I thought making a decision would get rid of my confusion. Now, I only felt like a wreck.

After I met up with Jake, I went home and cried myself to sleep. I spent the majority of Sunday in bed either sleeping or contemplating what was wrong with me. I kept thinking about how Forrest suggested that Jake and I can work on our problems, together, but how could I do that if I didn't know what my problems were? What made me allow Jake to treat me like that? Why didn't I call him out and demand answers? What was broken in me that I couldn't see that our relationship was not normal or healthy?

Those thoughts haunted me as I thought about my failed situation-ship with Ethan, my inability to get past a first date after grad school, and my obsession with Trevor all throughout college. All my relationships had one common denominator- Me. What did it mean that I didn't even know what was wrong to fix myself?

My thoughts were interrupted by someone sitting on my bed. I looked up and saw Trevor. I turned my face away to hide my tears.

"Lilypad... what's wrong?" He asked, trying to pull the cover off my head.

"Leave me alone Trevor." I muffled into the pillow.

He lay on the bed next to me. "You know I'm not going to do that. What's wrong?"

"I ended things with Jake." I confessed as the tears started up again.

"Is this a delayed reaction?" He joked.

I glared at him. "For good. I met up with him yesterday and he explained everything. I kept waiting for this " Ah-Ha" moment, where I knew what to do and it all made sense, but it never came." I sobbed. "How could I go back to him if I don't even know what's wrong with me? I'm so fucked up."

"No, you're not." He said, stroking the tears off my face. "There's nothing wrong with you."

"Yes, there is. If there wasn't, I wouldn't have put up with his bullshit" I responded.

"You can't blame yourself for trusting him." Trevor countered. "The only thing you did wrong was give your heart to the wrong person."

I heard what he said, but I didn't know if that was true.

"I'm gonna call Rocky." He announced, sitting.

"No. Please don't." I said, quickly sitting up. Jake said it was luck that he was at the house Friday night, but I don't know if I believed that. Maybe he was set up too. Either way, I was not in the mood for her tough love right now. "I don't wanna talk right now."

"Ok. I'm gonna go get movies and snacks." Trevor announced, jumping out of the bed. "Report to the living room in 30 minutes."

I wiped my face as I stood up. By the bed, I saw a Walmart bag filled with pink socks. I looked at him confused until I remembered the prank we played on his college roommate J-Mike. J-Mike was obnoxious and Trevor's wingman, so he already had 2 strikes against him for me. His last strike was his sick desire to streak and flash unsuspecting victims. The last time he did it to me, he was wearing only a sock over his shortcomings. Trevor and I got him back by taking all his clothes, throwing them in the apartment pool, and replacing them with pink socks: A girl size small. Despite everything, I smiled at the memory. Not only pranking J-Mike but always having Trevor by my side.

"Weak T-Rev. Just weak." I taunted him with a smirk, snatching the bag to toss in the trash.

"Just surrender and we'll call this off." Trevor negotiated.

"Never." I said, before disappearing to the bathroom.

When I came downstairs, Trevor had an arsenal of snacks and The Breakfast Club set up. He knew how much I loved teen movies- especially John Hughes. The music, the fashion, the lonely loser always getting a happy ending- it never failed to cheer me up. Trevor made fun of my love for them, but he had no problem watching them with me. He pigged out on the junk food while I picked at the gummy bears, ever so often so Trevor wouldn't notice I wasn't eating. I knew if he noticed he would get all protective and force me to talk and I didn't want that. Before the characters could even pair off and find love, I fell asleep, resting my head against Trevor.