Everything Changes

She stared at me. "So what are you doing, are you moving in?"

"God no... I do like her, but I'm not ready for that."

"Yeah, Mum would be heartbroken, but if you are in love..."

"I don't know. I mean, I like her a lot. But I'm only now finding out who I am."

"But the sex is great, right?"

I blushed, my mouth hanging open in stunned silence.

"Oh stop it. I've been there. She is hot as fuck, we both know it."

I nodded. "I think the sex is amazing, well, for me it is."

"Let me tell you this. You will never get better oral than you get from her."

"Yeah, well, you haven't had me." I said haughtily.

"You're right, I haven't. I was just saying."

"Yeah, I know. I was trying to be funny."

*****

The Halloween gig was epic. The crowd was huge and the glowing reviews were incredible. We got several bookings, the most notable being the feminist action group. They wanted to have a pre-Christmas promotion for Pride Week, which ran in February.

November was booked solid, plus my mum had been driving me crazy. She wanted me to go home for two weeks over Christmas and New Year. I could hardly say no. I hadn't seen them for the whole year.

When I told Lilly I was going home, she flipped out. "But I wanted this to be special. Our first Christmas together."

"I have to go. My parents worked hard to get me here. I can't cut them out of my life."

"I could go with," Lilly gushed. "I would love to meet them."

"Oh, hell no. They don't know I am gay. I need this time to tell them."

"They don't have to know straight away. We could tell them together."

"Lilly, please. You don't know my parents. I meed to do this by myself."

"Fine!" she snapped, "Be like that."

Trying to placate her, I whispered soothingly. "Don't say that. You have to give me time. Shit, I'm only getting used to this myself. My mother is deeply religious. She is not going to take this well."

She softened, moved into my arms, her succulent full lips mashing mine, her arms tightly encasing me, her boobs pressed against me and just like that, we were making love, the sweet taste of her open pulsating pussy on my mouth, her wriggly clit squirming under my lapping tongue.

I loved that a whole Saturday could disappear like that. The two of us coiled together, naked, arms and legs entangled. I loved making love with her beneath me, our pussies caressing as we rocked together. It wasn't always about orgasm, just the intense delicious sensations of intimacy.

Of course, orgasm did happen when we tribbed, but not always. Sometimes we used a double ended vibrator, and it buzzed away inside as we meshed.

I wasn't big on penetrative sex. Lilly liked it, but I could take it or leave it. I preferred fingers to plastic toys. My favourite toy was the tiny palm vibrator. It fit snugly in my palm and it had little ridges that tingled in all the right places. Yeah, I liked the egg, as well, oh, and the little thing that clipped onto the end of my finger, I loved the look on Lilly's face when I found just the right spot.

All in all, I loved most of all was cuddling and talking. Nothing beat lying naked together, kissing tenderly and talking about our days. Nothing seemed to matter when we were like that. Troubles vanished, dissolving into nothingness.

With the semester over, I needed to earn extra money. Claudia and Klaus came to my rescue. They offered me a job at the restaurant and gave me some flexible hours to busk. Being able to busk during the day meant Abby was able to come with me all the time, which was cool. Sometimes even Brenda came along and played Cajon.

It was fun. Lilly was tied up working for her father's accountancy firm, so it gave me breathing space.

That was what concerned me... Confused and bewildered, that was me. I had this beautiful creature as my girlfriend, somebody who I never thought would be interested in me, and I wanted time away. Was I nuts?

It made me question everything: was this love, was it lust? I didn't know. I loved to read love stories, and not just lesbian love stories. I adored love, full stop. I wanted that mind-bending feeling of never wanting to be alone. I wanted the heart-stopping, pulse-racing emotions. I wanted exploding stars and arrows through my heart.

At first I got that with Lilly, but it faded so quickly. Did all couples go through this? Was it merely cold feet? Nothing made sense.

As much as I dreaded going home to face my parents, I was also looking forward to getting away. Abby sensed my disquiet. "Everything okay, Tui? You seem awfully distracted."

"Scared, I guess. How do I tell my parents?" I glanced at her. "How did you do it?"

She shrugged, "I just sat them down together and told them. Mum said she always knew. Dad was a bit surprised, but he came around."

"My mum's going to be the one. She's so straight. Her religion is centre to her."

"Tui, you're winding yourself up. Take a deep breath. If they love you, and I get the feeling they do, they will understand."

"Bloody easy for you to say. You don't know her."

"We all go through this, Tui, it's almost a rite of passage. Coming out to your family is never easy. You're not the only one who's had to go through it. Ask Lilly, her mother had a break down."

"What? She never said."

"No, she's ashamed. She feels responsible for her mum ending up in an institution. They both had to go to therapy."

"Wow, normally she tells me that stuff."

"Ask her, she'll tell you all about it."

"When you dated, did you look forward to time away from her? She's so intense."

Abby giggled. "It was the other way round with us. I wanted to spend every waking moment with her. She was the one who wanted space."

"That seems weird, she's so clingy."

"It's because she's finally in love. I know I give her shit for the way she treated me, but it wasn't meant to be. You're lucky. You are with somebody who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them."

"Yeah, lucky." I sighed disinterestedly. I wasn't sure I felt that way. I was more comfortable being with Abby. I loved that we could joke and laugh about anything. She never got offended when I said silly shit. I loved holding her in my arms after we gigged. It centred me in some weird way. Simply holding her made me feel better.

I loved watching her play the cello, the way she didn't just play it with her hands. She played it with her whole body. Every muscle, every fibre of her being moved when she played. Her eyes closed so tight, her torso swaying, her head rolling. She felt it right down at the core of her soul.

When our eyes met and I was watching her, they smiled, and I felt better. Even walking into class and seeing her sitting there gave me a tingly feeling of, 'welcome home.'

I didn't get that with Lilly. I felt a sexual attraction. There was a magnetic pull that sucked us together. I liked watching her write. I loved making love with her, but there was a feeling, a nagging doubt I couldn't shake."

As Christmas approached, I started thinking about gifts. I definitely had to get Claudia and Klaus something. They had been amazing and really turned my life around. It wasn't just the cheap rent, it was the love they showed me. They accepted me into their lives and made everything seem possible.

Abby, that was a given, Brenda and the guys, yep. Lilly, what could I possibly get her. She wanted for nothing; her wardrobe was full. She had more jewellery than you could throw a stick at. Her furniture was all new.

It didn't feel right asking Abby; that would be cruel. I didn't know her parents. Angela and the other girls couldn't keep a secret if they tried. It had to be something personal. Something she would treasure.... It came to me in a flash, a song, her very own song. That was something only I could give her.

I started with a blank page; this wasn't going to be a rehash, it had to be from the heart. Strangely for me, I found the melody first. It just happened and the more I played it, the deeper into my psyche it went. The lyrics, I couldn't find them, the harder I tried to force it, the worse it got.

One day whilst busking, there was a lull, and not really having anybody to entertain, I let the melody out. My guitar found the notes easy, they hung in the humid air. I hummed along, and then, one word evolved, then another. Random words that didn't mean anything but fit the melody line. The phrasing was important as I let my heart do the writing.

With my eyes closed, I let the words flow and they did. I repeated them over and over.

When I opened my eyes, there was a small crowd, only like six people, but they all clapped. One young woman proudly wearing a rainbow scarf said, "That's beautiful."

We shared an intimate eye contact moment before she vanished up Fanshawe street. Some of the others threw money into the case before leaving. With more time, I wrote down all the words that had emerged. I didn't have a lot of time, but they were at least captured.

That night, in my room with nothing more than my guitar, i joined some of the words, then phrases formed, lines of the song emerged. Over and over I played it, letting my voice echo my heart.

It was after midnight when I lay back on the bed staring up at the sheet of paper carrying my sentiments in words. I had it, something from my heart that explained my feelings. I slept that night with it clutched to my breast.

Now I needed to record it. It took a while to get a studio organised, and it was late at night at that. Never mind, it got me started.

Lilly interrogated me on what I wanted, and the only thing I could suggest was a little cheap keyboard I could carry with me for busking, or a loop pedal. I asked her, but she said sneakily, "Surprise me."

She wasn't happy when I said I was going to be working late for a few days. It shocked me when I got a call from Claudia late Wednesday night. "Tui, Lilly called here looking for you. Did you tell her you were working?"

Embarrassed, I replied, "Sorry, she has been driving me crazy. I needed some time away from her. I lied to her."

"Lying is no way to secure a relationship. I will tell her you are here, but please don't involve me again. I don't like that girl or her attitude, but at least be honest with her. Nobody deserves to be lied to."

"Sorry, Claudia."

As the song emerged on tape, I got the fright of my life. It took my breath away so sharply. I had to sit down. I listened again, then picking up the sheet of lyrics I gasped. This wasn't about Lilly. This was all about Abby.

It was so clear, so obvious. "Oh my god," I spluttered. I had to rush outside for fresh air. I had to get my pulse to slow down. "Abby." Merely saying her name made me tremble. What the hell...

I couldn't finish it. Lily was a clever girl, she would see right through it. I spent the last few days before I went away in a daze, nothing made sense. I focused on the shopping. I brought Lilly her favourite perfume. At three hundred bucks, it was more than I had ever spent.

Abby got a new bow for her cello, one I had seen her eyeing up at the music store. Brenda got a new super-padded seat for her throne. The boys got movie passes.

It was Claudia and Klaus... What to get. In the end, I had to ask Abby. She suggested straight away. She wanted to pay for a weekend away for them both up in the bay of islands. She couldn't afford it though. I offered to go halves, which she was happy for. I did manage to go one better. When I checked the band's bank balance, there was over five hundred dollars from fans downloading our music. I split the money into five. They were all ecstatic, except Abby, who said I should keep it.

"Lets put it towards your parents get away," I suggested.

That seemed to appease her.

Lilly and I had a quiet celebration of our own. Christmas came early for us, because I was flying down to Nelson the next day. We worked together in the kitchen, cooking and preparing the food.

Over dinner, we exchanged gifts, although we were saving opening them for Christmas day. I'm not complaining, because the evening was one of passion. We made love long into the morning. Her gorgeous sinewy body interlaced with mine. I enjoyed the taste of her body in all its naked glory. I savoured her kiss, those sexy soft lips, the flavour of her flesh, the feel of her goose bump covered skin caressing my tongue.

Her pussy was swollen and puffy, her juices sticking to my fingers as they slid into her creamy core, the look in her eye as she watched me lick those juices.

The exquisite feel of her slippery pussy rubbed against my own, the adoring butterfly soft petting as her tongue lavished my squiggly little nub.

It was soft, it was gentle and loving. Full of fire and burning sensations. It was lust, burning white hot wanton desire purporting love.

The drive to the airport was solemn. Lilly was forlorn. "I want to come," she sighed indignantly. "I want to be with you, support you, to hold your hand."

"Lilly, I would love somebody there to do all of those things. It wouldn't be fair. My parents are old fashioned. Bloody hell, I'm not even sure I can tell them."

She sighed, we kissed, she helped me with my bags and held my hand all through check in. At the gate, she held me as if she never wanted to let go. "I love you, Tui. Please come back to me."

"A little overly dramatic, babe. I'm only going to my parents' place."

"No, it's more than that. When I said I wanted to go with you, you didn't say you wanted me, you said somebody. I just told you that I love you and you tell me I'm being a drama queen."

Little tears appeared in the corner of her eyes and she tried in vain to stem the tide. "You don't love me, go on. You can say it."

Holding her hand, I whispered, "Lilly, I do love you. You've done so much for me."

"God... It's true, you aren't in love with me are you? What a fool I've been."

"Lilly, come on. You're making way more of this. I just said I love you."

"Yes you did. You know, I love my parents, my sister. When I was little I loved my cat. My friends, I love every single one of them, but I'm not in love with them. There's a difference."

'Last call for passengers on flight AN 516. The flight is boarding now.' The intercom went silent and I saw the attendant waving to me.

"I have to go Lilly. I do love you."

"Yes." She leaned in and kissed me, not the passionate life ending kiss I was expecting. It was a gentle goodbye."

Sitting in my chair, I reclined, my eyes closed. There should have been tears, but in some ways, what I felt was relief. The safety bulletin ran, the flight attendant checking our seat belts.

The noisy little plane was in the air and we levelled off. The food came around, and I took some time to assess where I was. There was no question in my mind. I was gay, that wasn't even a question any longer, now I was confident in my sexuality, well my choice, not actually about who I was. That was still something I needed to grow into.

When I thought about what Lilly and I had shared, holy shit, was it possible to be gayer?

I loved everything about being with her. The sex was amazing, we were able to talk and feel what the other felt. We understood emotion. She was right, though, I wasn't in love with her. I loved our relationship, but I felt we were more friends with benefits rather than a love I would die for.

As the thoughts circulated, Abby's image appeared. It had been in my mind a lot recently. After I wrote the song, I viewed things differently. We were friends, but it went deeper. Fear gripped me. She had shown no signs that she felt anything like what I felt for her. The feelings that flowed through me while I wrote that damned song were real.

Abby had never once shown any signs that she viewed me as anything other than as a friend.

Walking out through the gates in Nelson, there was my dad. He opened his arms as I rushed in for a big hug. He held me tightly, his strong arms squeezing so hard. ", young lady. I have missed you."

"I've missed you as well, Dad. Where's Mum?"

"I brought the ute, wasn't sure how much luggage you would have."

"Only a bag and my guitar."

"What, only one bag?"

"I'm a poor student, I can't afford much."

He laughed cynically. "Poor student... I felt sure you would have seduced some bloke into buying you the world by now."

His words bit a little. "No bloke, Dad. Too busy studying."

"You, studying, yeah right. That doesn't sound like you, lass."

"Hey, I always got good marks."

"Aye, I suppose you did at that."

We collected my baggage and chucked them on the back of the ute that was already overflowing with nets and shackles, an old anchor. Driving out of the airport on the start of the three-hour drive to Westport he asked, "So how have you been, lassie?"

"All good, Dad."

"The people you're staying with now seem like nice enough."

"They're lovely, Claudia is wonderful."

"She sounds it on the phone, lass. She speaks highly of you."

"They've been so good to me. They don't charge me any board now. I play at their restaurant occasionally, and they are happy with that. Plus, I have been working in the kitchen since semester ended."

"You fell on your feet there, my girl. Bloody lucky."

"Yeah, it certainly made life easier. How's things been in Westport?"

"Oh, you know, same old same old. The fishing has been shit. Bloody MAF, they make it harder every year. The bloody greens'll not be happy till we can't fish at all."

"I'm sorry, Dad. Maybe it's time to give it up?"

"Like hell. I'll not let those bastards chase me away. We still do all right. Retirement'll be here before you know it."

"What about Mum, is she okay? We haven't talked much recently."

"I think she's feeling a bit left out, lass. These people you're staying with might be bloody great, but she feels like they've taken over a bit. She thinks ya don't need her, Tui. You have to fix that while you're home."

"Bugger, I thought something was wrong. She's been a bit cool lately."

"Yes, you know what she's like. Wears her heart on her sleeve, that one. Once you're in her arms she will come round. Just make a fuss of her. She's looking forward to taking you down and showing you off to all the old cronies at the country music club."

I laughed loudly. "Show me off, what the hell, Dad."

"Oh no, my girl. You're big news down here. Getting played on the radio. I have to say that bloody radio station plays some shite, but we loved your songs."

I laughed again. "Yeah, BFM isn't really aiming at your demographic, Dad."

"Oh, we got that, sweetheart. We have taste."

As we drove through Richmond, he pulled into the burger place on the corner and he ordered a table full of food. "Don't you tell your mother about this, yah hear?"

I laughed. "Your secrets safe with me." We pigged out as we always did. Dad could never resist. We would have to eat another huge feast at home.

The rest of the drive was pleasant. The traffic was light, Dad was in a good mood. Mostly we talked fishing. He informed me we were going out for a couple of days while I was home.

The moment we pulled into the driveway, Mum came rushing out. She was that anxious to hold me in her arms she almost wrenched the ute's door off its hinges.

She literally dragged me out of the cab, her arms tight around me, my shoulder wet with her tears, which only got mine flowing, as well. We rocked and swayed as she held me. Once she had control, she held me out at arm's length, her eyes running up and down taking me all in.

"You have not been eating properly," she gushed. "You aren't on one of those silly fad diets are you?"

"No, Mum, I've just been busy as."

"You have to look after yourself, Tui. Gosh, you're skin and bone."

"Hardly." I chuckled. I was about to say something about Claudia force feeding me, but heeding Dad's words, I bit my tongue. She was right, though. Having Lilly as your girlfriend put a lot of pressure on, and I had been limiting my food recently. Trying to look more like her. When I saw her naked, she looked spectacular. When I peered nervously in the mirror, all I saw was a fat Maori girl, with frizzy hair.