Everything Changes

Sunday, ahhh, I woke feeling a combination of guilt and pleasure. The pleasure was hard to move, but there was an overwhelming sense of shame: a voice screaming at me, "Pervert."

Claudia was in the kitchen when I walked out. She gave me a warm smile. "How was your first gig?"

"Amazing, totally awesome."

"You want food?"

"Oh, yes please, but let me help."

We toiled away as she made me one of her favourite delicious omelettes. As always, full of tasty delights, capsicums, red onion, radish, celery. The smells were swirling around the room.

"Do you know a girl named Lilly, that Abby used to date?"

"Know her... I hate her. She nearly destroyed my little darling. She is a toxic little minx. She is full of hatred, that girl, she destroys everything she touches. She is a slut."

No sooner finished, she softened. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Please don't tell me she is hanging around Abby again?"

"No, she was a friend of mine. She came to our gig last night. I didn't know Abby knew her."

Claudia's hand slid around my waist as we worked side by side. "That girl wouldn't know what to do with a friend. All she has is people she uses for certain things. That's what she does, Tui. She uses people. Do yourself a favour and let her go. She is not your friend."

"She definitely hurt Abby. I saw that last night.

Claudia shivered. "What did Abby say? Did they talk?"

"Just to say hello."

"Good, I would hate to see her fall into that trap again."

As we dished up the omelette, Abby walked in. "Mother of god, that smells good," she gushed.

Claudia stood up to hug and kiss her daughter. "Sit, I will make more."

"No, Mama, don't do that. I'll just get coffee."

Claudia rolled her eyes back, but scraped some off her plate onto another. Seeing there wasn't much. I scraped half mine onto the other plate, as well.

Abby returned to sit with us and ravenously dived into the delicious brunch.

There was no conversation as we ate. The clinking of cutlery trying to scrape every last tasty morsel.

"Where shall we go today?" Abby asked.

"I don't know, the usual I suppose."

"Nah, lets go somewhere else. I have heard Henderson Mall is a good place."

"You think?' I said in shock. "They're all Westies out there. Into metal and heavy rock."

"No, there's alternatives out there. Lets just give it a go."

"Yeah, okay. I'm in."

On the drive out west, I had all these questions bubbling inside. I wanted to ask, but didn't know how to start. As we passed Western Springs. I just blurted it out. "Tell me about being a lesbian. How did you know?"

Abby glanced at me. I think she could see I was serious. "Okay, lets talk. I dated boys, as every girl does. I was curious, but every date ended in disaster because they felt wrong. I had no attraction towards them. Inside, I felt empty."

I nodded, and she watched me. "Abby, it's always been that way for me. I don't hate boys, I just never felt an attraction."

"Yes, that's it. You have to feel something towards the person you're with."

"Absolutely, but what about sex? How do you do it?"

She laughed. "Shit, Tui, you don't know?"

"I'm from a little town. Some of the girls may have been lesbians, but they never said anything. I never once thought about it. These last couple of months, I have felt things. Strange things. When Lilly kissed me, it set of a feeling inside me. I didn't know it then, but I know now. It was hunger."

"Wait, slow down. Lilly kissed you?"

"Yeah, we went out, got really drunk, we ended up back at her place. She started kissing me, and I liked it. Then my body revolted and I puked everywhere. It wasn't just sex I haven't experienced. That was my first experience of being drunk, as well."

Abby laughed. "Did you puke over her?"

"No, I made it to the toilet."

"Bugger." She said giggling. "That would have been funny."

"You hate her that much?" I said.

"No, not any more. I did hate her. I hated her with a vengeance, but following therapy, I have a better understanding. She never committed to me. She wasn't cheating, I was just in a different place to her."

"You were in love?" I asked.

"Yeah, head over heels. It was my fault. I wanted it all. I built up this imaginary world where we brought a house, had a wonderful life together. She was a writer, I was a rock star. The trouble is, she didn't feel that way. In her mind, we were just lovers, and casual ones at that."

"Wow, that's sad. I'm sorry," I offered consolingly.

"Tui, it wasn't her fault. At the time I hated her; we fought bitterly, but it was my fault. I built an unattainable goal. I built the fantasy world, and yet I never even asked her what she wanted."

"I see. Did she say I love you?"

"Yes, but it was always while we were making love. Never while we were walking hand in hand."

"Got it. Okay, sex... how do you do it?"

She gave me a deep scowl. "You really don't know?"

With a shake of my head, I replied. "I'm serious, Abby. I know what men and women do, but girls. How do you get off? Is it just fingers?"

"Tui, I'm not going to tell you details. We have tongues, fingers, there are toys. Sometimes we just fuck."

"But how, how do you... fuck?"

She giggled. "You have a computer, the internet's full of porn. Most of it's fake bullshit. I suggest you type into google, 'tribbing.' That will get you started."

"Tribbing, whats that?"

"Girls fucking. Look, honestly Tui. It's best you find out for yourself. Experiment. If Lilly is into you, she will show you, but just go in with your eyes open."

"I'm scared Abby. Scared that I won't fit there either."

"You will never know till you try, girl. One thing I will say about Lilly. She's a great fuck. She prides herself on being the best. Are you into her?"

"I was until I found out she screwed you over. Now I feel like I would be disloyal to my best friend in the whole world if I did anything."

"Tui, we are friends, actually. You are my best friend. I don't have a huge circle of friends either. You bring out good shit in me. If you think you're gay, then experiment. You gonna have to kiss a few frogs along the way. My advice is date a few girls. See if it's what you want."

"Not Lilly huh?"

"Oh, hell yeah, girl. Lilly is a beautiful girl, and she is hot as fuck. If you gonna dabble, she is a great reference. Just don't fall in love with her."

I was wiser, but no closer. We talked a little about what being gay meant. Abby was lucky; she had Claudia as her mother. She was incredible. When I thought about telling my parents, I freaked out.

Abby saw my trepidation, and knew without me saying anything. "Tui, stop right there. You don't even know if you are gay. All we know at the moment is you're curious. At the moment, it's a romantic notion that allows you to fit in where you never have before. Stop worrying about the future. First you gotta find out if you like the taste of pussy."

I choked, and spluttered. "What..."

"First things first, girl. It's like a new flavour of ice cream. You won't know if you like it till you tried it. Kiss some girls, make love. If it's who you are, then worry about the rest. You might hate it."

Henderson turned out to be a great spot for busking. We set up on the main road outside the mall, and in no time we had a gathering of happy clapping and dancing kids. The case quickly filled with money, and afterwards we sold a few CD's and drives. On the drive back we set up in New Lynn, which turned out to be okay, but not as good. A short detour and we set up outside St Luke's in Morningside. Another great idea. We did really well, but eventually hot chased away by the mall security. Not before we made a couple of hundred bucks.

Back at Abby's parents place, we sat in the car talking. Abby, seeing my unease, just talked. We talked about music, songs and where I wanted to go, what I expected from life. She was a clever girl. Talking about stuff other than the big questions took away my feelings of uncertainty.

Inside, Claudia was already in the midst of preparing dinner, and Abby wasn't escaping without sitting in. It didn't take her long before she was in the kitchen helping her mother. They were like a well-oiled machine, so practised at working together.

The love they shared was so apparent. I sat at the breakfast bar watching in awe as they sliced and diced, stirred and turned. The aroma's were to die for, if I lived in this house much longer, they were going to have to widen the doors to let me in.

Abby's father returned for dinner as he always did before returning to their restaurant to organise the cleaning up, and then locking the place up.

During dinner he asked. "Do you think you could play in a restaurant setting, rather than a bar?"

"Yes Dad, we have all sorts of music."

"Perfect, then I want you to play on Friday night. I have always wondered whether live music would work."

"Dad, do you really think music is going to fit your crowd?" Abby sighed unconvinced.

"I'm not sure, petal, but our clientele is changing. We need to change with them. I don't want loud boisterous music, just background."

"You can't afford us." Abby announced, hoping I think to get him to change his mind.

"How much, miss big shot? You think you are too good for our tables?"

I could see he felt insulted. "We wouldn't charge you." Abby glared at me with a glowering look.

"I'm not charging you. I live here for nothing. I could never charge you."

Claudia interrupted. "Don't be silly. You are family. We love having you here with us."

"If I'm family, then there's no way we will charge you." Staring at Abby in what I hoped was conciliatory way, I added, "We could try it the one night. If it doesn't work then we can at least say we tried."

Claudia clapped her hands. "Wonderful, it's decided then. Friday night at seven."

Abby and I did the cleaning up as Claudia said good bye to Klaus. "Why did you do that, Tui."

"I had to, bloody hell. I live here almost rent free, and they feed me. Claudia does all my laundry and she won't take anything for it. I bloody had to."

She laughed softly, "Yeah, Mum, she was born to it. She likes you a lot. I can see it."

"I like her, as well. God knows why you left. If she was my mum, I'd never leave."

"Don't get me wrong, Tui. I love my parents, but I needed to get away. I needed to figure out who I was. Mum would have had a fit seeing girls coming and going every night. Just like you needed to get away, so did I."

"Nah, I'd still be at home if there was somewhere to study in Westport."

Claudia walked in and opened a bottle of wine. She poured us all a glass and said a simple "Thank you, girls."

Monday at Uni turned into a big day. Firstly, it was hearing my song "Everything Changes." on the radio. Piped around some of the outdoor areas, local student radio BFM was broadcast, and as I rushed to get to our first lecture, I heard it floating down the corridor.

Abby waved for me to sit beside her as our lecturer came in. This was my least enjoyable class: 'business management and the recording industry.'

"You won't believe it," I said softly, so as not to be heard. "They're playing "Changes" on BFM."

Abby nodded. "Actually, they have played a couple of the tracks."

"Did you send them a copy?" I asked, trying to figure out where they would have gotten it.

"Nope, it wasn't me."

Nigel came in a little late, and as he walked to find a desk, he leaned down and said, "They're playing our song on BFM."

It felt like we had won a lottery. Hearing our songs on the radio, knowing lot's of other people would be hearing it.

I got a text from Lilly. 'MEET ME FOR LUNCH AND DON'T BE LATE.'

Abby was a little pissed when I said I was having lunch with Lilly. She wanted to go to the cafeteria with Nigel so we could have a mini celebration.

I rushed out to the quad to find Lilly. She was hard to miss. She was standing talking to a guy by one of the picnic tables.

She waved when she saw me, greeting me with a kiss. "Babe, this is Warren, he is the morning show announcer on BFM."

It all fell into place: she must have sent it in. I stuck out my hand to shake his. "Hey, Warren, I'm Tui."

Lilly guided us to the table, and she unpacked several bags loaded with food. As we sat and she shared out plastic plates full, Warren said, "Tui, I'm really impressed with the album. Absolutely love it. Really stunned that you recorded it here; you did a great job with the mix."

"Thanks, yeah, we put a lot of effort into it."

"Sweet." He mumbled through a mouthful of Lilly's potato salad. "We are featuring it this week, actually, and would love you to come into the studio for an on-air interview tomorrow."

"Wow, that's be choice. We'd love to."

"We?" he said, confused.

"The album isn't just mine. I mean the songs are, but there were others involved. Mostly Abby. She should be part of it, as should Nigel and Arthur."

Warren nodded, taking some notes. "No sweat, we can do that. Nice that you want to include them."

"I have to. It wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for all of them."

"Perhaps, we could get you to play a couple of the tracks live in the studio?" he suggested.

"Sweet, we could do that no worries."

"All right then. Be in the studio at about seven-thirty. We can get set up and run some sound checks."

He wandered off happy, his tummy full.

"It was you, wasn't it?"

She giggled. "Yeah, sorry. I hope you're not upset."

I hugged her tightly. "How could I be upset? I loved walking in this morning and hearing "Everything Changes" blasting around the corridors."

She poured me a drink from her pulpy orange bottle, and added, "I have set up a YouTube channel, as well. I added some footage I videoed at the gig Saturday. It's already got like fifty likes."

"Holy shit. Are you chasing to be our manager or something?"

"No, babe. But I believe in you. I think you're special and the world needs to know about you."

I kissed her on the mouth, unable to hold back. "Thank you. I can't believe it."

"You better believe it. I think you better talk to your business ed teachers. You need to be streaming these songs. Let people buy it. You don't have to declare your other income, but talking to Warren, he said you need to be streaming it. Make people aware. It won't earn a lot of money, but it is important."

We hurried through our jelly desserts and I kissed her again, this time, she didn't push me away, we held it longer than necessary, and when we parted, there was an air of... what was that, expectation?

As I went to walk away, Lilly yelled after me. "What about dinner tonight?"

"Sorry, busking. What about tomorrow?"

The afternoon class was audio engineering, and we were broken into teams of four. That suited me. It gave me a chance to gather together Abby, Nigel and Arty. When I told them about the radio slot, they were as excited as me.

Abby lost a little of her enthusiasm when I told them who organised it.

On the drive home, Abby was a little quiet, she was brooding over something and it came rushing out. "That girl has got it bad for you. I have never known her to care about anything but herself. Maybe she's finally in love?"

That struck me as a weird thing to say, even if it did get my heart racing. "I think she's just being nice," I said defensively. Why I don't know. I hadn't done anything wrong.

That night after getting home from busking, I dived into the dark corners of the internet. I lay in bed with my laptop sitting on my lap. 'Tribbing,' I entered as my search.

I couldn't believe it. There were literally thousands of images, articles, video's. I started with the videos, with my pulse already way above normal.

"Oh god." I spluttered. I had never watched porn. This was new to me and I felt like a pervert as I watched two beautiful women making love, the camera getting up close and personal as their pussies squelched together, their kisses passionate.

"Holy shit."

I watched in stunned silence, headphones on as I watched clip after clip of some of the sexiest women I had ever seen making love,their tongues and fingers deep in the squishy centres of their partners. They played with toys, which looked interesting, although the ones with strap-ons didn't excite me. How could that be exciting?

I loved the ones where they were obviously making love. I flicked past the ones filled with fake screaming orgasms.

Then I found some articles and explanations. So many dedicated lesbian info channels. Before I knew it, the little clock in the corner was saying one AM...

I tried to sleep, but I couldn't get the images and sounds out of my mind. Pretty soon my fingers were discovering how aroused I was. Now at least I had an understanding, of what I liked. With a hot juicy orgasm making my heart race, I drifted off into a deep contented sleep.

It was a mad race in the morning to get to the radio station. Lilly was there, which surprised me. She was deep in discussions with Nigel and Arty, who were as deeply affected as everybody was when they meet her. Abby just rolled her eyes and gave me a hug.

"Sorry, I didn't know she was coming," I whispered.

"No worries. Should have known, really."

Lilly rushed over for a hug, and kiss. She made sure to hold it, and I have to admit, I wasn't fighting, but I was red faced because Arty and Nigel were staring open mouthed.

The interview was what you'd expect, then it was on to the performance. We got to play a couple of songs before Warren threw open the lines for interested listeners.

That was an experience. Who knew we had so many fans?

Afterwards, as we walked back to campus, we talked about streaming the album as singles. I was nervous about how to do it fairly. It was Lilly who suggested we open a bank account under the band's name, and link online payments to that.

"Tui, the money should just be yours," Nigel said "They are your songs. The payment for me was getting the credits for my degree."

"No, that's not fair. I know this won't be a lot of money, but I want it to be for all of us."

The discussion went back and forth, but eventually, we all agreed.

At lunch, Lilly reminded me I had agreed to go to dinner with her.

"Where are we going?" I asked nervously.

"To my apartment. I'm cooking."

The anxiety tinged with expectation made me mumble hesitantly. "Is this a date?"

She smiled, and it was warm, but there was nervousness there as well. "Do you want it to be a date?"

Swallowing hard, I replied. "Yes..."

She hugged me, her lips crashing into mine. "Good, then it's a date, bring PJ's.

The rest of the day dissolved into nervous nothingness. I heard everything, but remembered nothing. My head was full of imagery and instructions.

Abby, who was by my side as we listened to a lecture on promotion and advertising, Abby was my biggest concern. She was my friend, and regardless of what she said, she still harboured feelings surrounding Lilly.

"Abby, Lilly has invited me on a date tonight. How do you feel about that?"

"Wow, your first date. I'm envious. I remember my first time."

"Hey, it's only a date."

"Tui, lets be honest with each other. There has been plenty of tension between you both. Don't be dishonest, with me or yourself."

"Abby..."

"Tui, it's okay. Lilly and I are long since finished. I guess I harbour some resentment. You can't let that stand in your way. If you think there's something there, then you have to at least try."

"I don't know anything," I gushed as I broke into tears. "I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is I am mixed up."

She hugged me, her warm body pressed against me. "Abby, you are the most important person in my life. You're my best friend. I couldn't live with myself if I did something that fucked that up.