Facing My Demons Ch. 01

"Do you think she can ever forgive me?" Roxy asked softly from the safe confines of the couch, she didn't turn to look at me.

Would you forgive you? Those were the first words that popped into my head but I knew better than to actually speak them. I didn't want to cause Roxy more pain than she was already going through. If I would've asked her that question I wouldn't have been the person that Nikki had fallen in love with so long ago. I had to better than that. (FYI. If I hadn't trying to be such a good person my answer would've been: FUCK NO.)

"Do you think she can ever forgive me?" I asked, turning her question back at her. I wanted Roxy to know that she wasn't the only one who had wronged. I too had caused the heartbreak of my precious cara. My beloved. No matter the reason, I had been the one to leave her. Roxy could only take so much responsibility for it.

"Fair enough," Roxy whispered. Her voice so weak I could barely hear it. She stood so quickly is startled me for a moment. She looked my direction and I saw a look upon her face that I had never seen before. "I'm sorry. It isn't until now that I have realized that in trying to make her hate you I have made her hate me. She won't want me here when she gets back. Tell her I am sorry and that I love her. When she is ready she knows where to find me." I nodded and watched her walk to the door. The way her head hung low on her shoulders made me feel bad for her.

It isn't only your fault." I called out causing her to turn and look at me. "You aren't entirely to blame. We all have to face our sins and it looks like ours caught up with us sooner than expected. I'm sorry that my coming back hurt your relationship with her but put yourself in my shoes. Could you leave her forever, even if you thought it was what she wanted?" This time it was Roxy who nodded before she left.

I was left in Nikki's house all alone with only the guilt of my past to keep me company. It was 2 o'clock when Roxy left and Nikki didn't return until nearly 6. Four hours is a lot of time to sit thinking only of your regrets.

"I owe you a tank of gas." Nikki mumbled as she dropped my keys by the door.

"Don't be stupid, I will fill the tank later. Did you really need to think that long or did you just want an excuse to drive my car around?" I asked lightheartedly. My lame excuse for a joke got half a smile from Nikki. It was more than worth it.

"Honestly? Maybe a bit of both." Nikki said as she joined me in the living room. Just then I heard barking and shouting from the backyard and it caused me to laugh. I knew what was going on.

"The fucking gardener." Nikki complained as she went to the backdoor and let our dogs in... her dogs. I hadn't seen them in three years what right did I have to claim them? The dogs rushed in and I couldn't help but pet and play with them as they ran towards me. It was like no time had passed.

"I've missed them." I laughed as they jumped on me. I was quickly left with a sobering feeling. I pushed the dogs away and looked back at Nikki who was still standing by the door.

"I've missed you." I added pathetically. Nikki walked over to the couch and slumped next to me. I couldn't help but pull her into my arms. It felt like that was where she belonged. The smell of her warm vanilla shampoo and body lotion caused me to shiver slightly. I could still remember all the times I had watched in wonder as she applied those lotions to her naked form. The thought made me weak at the knees. I was thankful that I was sitting.

"What happened to us?" She asked weakly. My heart ached to see her in such pain but I forced a smile and looked at her.

"We got old." I joked. Again I got half a smile and I felt a bit better in a way. "Really? Roxy was right. We were kids. We had a romanticized notion of what love is. Sacrifice and pain aren't part of love. Real life isn't some Shakespearean type of love story. Love isn't about how much you are willing to sacrifice it is about how much you are willing to go through to make it work. I should've stayed, no matter what. I should've stayed."

My fingers twirled in Nikki's long black locks and it almost felt like we had never missed a day together. Part of me wanted to take her up to her room and ravage her but part of me wanted to simply hold and cuddle with her for the rest of my life.

***

I don't know why I sat with Tia. Or why I let her play with my hair the way she had when we were together. Maybe it was the way she played with my dogs... Our dogs I guess. She had gotten them for me and we have raised them together before she had left me.

"T, what are we going to do?" I asked in a trembling voice. Did I want sex? Was staying with Angie worth losing Tia? Was going back with Tia worth losing Angie? Nothing made sense anymore. I wanted to curl up into a ball and hide, I just wanted it all to stop, but life continued moving forward and Tia just continued playing with my hair.

"Everything will be okay. You don't have to make any decisions tonight. Oh, by the way Angela left this for you." Tia passed me a note and I read what my angel had written me.

I am not mad at you and I don't blame you for being lost. You told me once that you had never loved her and I knew it was a lie. I could see in your eyes that you not only loved her but that you would never love another the way you loved her. You still care for her more than you would like to admit but it is true. Spend time with her and see if are still in love with her the way you once were. If you aren't then you know where to find me and we can try to work on you and me. If you are still in love with her... Well if you are then I am really happy for you. Everyone deserves to find true love. You may have already found yours.

--Angie.

***

Nikki passed me the note and I read the words over. I killed me that she had said that she had never loved me. Roxy really had worked one hell of a spell over her but I couldn't really blame anyone but myself. If I had been there for her Roxy wouldn't have been able to do anything. It was really all my fault.

"What happens now?" Nikki asked in a small voice. In all my years with her I had never seen her act that way. She looked like she needed me to take care of her. I hugged her tightly and kissed the top of your head.

"You should go to bed. I can come back in the morning and we can talk. Roxy said that she..." Nikki cut me off before I could finish.

"I don't want to talk about her right now and I would really like it if you would stay with me. Not like for sex or anything but stay with me like you used to." Nikki looked at me and for the first time in three years I felt hope.

Part of me wanted to make some wise joke but I knew better. Nikki was going through a hard time and it would be cruel of me to make jokes. I nodded and we both talked for a while longer. Our conversation went from sad and depressing to lighthearted and nostalgic. We spoke of our good times and how much fun we had had. She even commented that she had far more good memories than bad, which was why it was so hard for her to believe that I had left her. That put a bit of a damper on my parade. Midnight arrived and I asked Nikki again if she really wanted me to stay. She technically still had a girlfriend and I was unsure if she wanted me there for the right reasons.

"Yeah, silly. Come on. I am getting tired." Nikki smiled in a way I hadn't seen her do in years. She looked truly happy although I had no idea why. We had only talked about idle things. Her dad and brother, my parents, our careers, our past. Nothing of real importance but in the end I guess they were the only subjects that really mattered. We didn't need to talk about Roxy or Angie or any of the bad things that had happened. The time for those conversations would come soon enough. That night we were happy to just talk with each other like we had when we were younger.

I pulled Nikki tightly into my arms and hugged her. "I have missed you a lot, cara. Goodnight." I knew the house well enough to know that there were two guest bedrooms. I started to head that way but Nikki grabbed my hand before I could go.

"Stay with me." she repeated. For one fleeting moment I mistook her intention and got a little too happy. When I remembered her 'not for sex' comment I floated back down to earth and followed her to her room. We tossed me a pair of boxer shorts and told me to change. She wanted me to change into only a pair boxers in front of her? I was astounded.

"Grow up, Natalia." she chided. She reminded me of my mother, sometimes. She always had. She was so caring yet so bossy sometimes. "I appreciate how noble you are being but we have seen all there is to see with each other and if I remember correctly you like sleeping topless. I remember liking you sleeping topless too."

"Cara, if I didn't know better I would say you are trying to seduce me." I laughed. I always called her 'cara' meaning beloved in my native Italian tongue. Nikki was familiar with the Italian language. She even learned enough to speak it with my grandparents. One of the many reasons why I loved her so much.

I got a deep throated laugh from my cara that made my insides melt. She seemed so happy in such brief, fleeting moments.

"I wouldn't have to seduce you." she said in a husky and very sexy voice. She looked at me that certain way (You know the way that makes you know she is thinking dirty things) and I found myself struggling for air. She laughed again and brushed my reaction aside.

"You have become cruel Nikki." I growled as I changed. I decided to leave my bra on to keep temptation at bay, mostly for my sake.

"Oh" she giggled. "What a bummer. I was hoping to see some of the goods." She idly pointed at my chest.

"Don't forget that I know exactly how to get your motor going too, Ms. Martinez." even as I joked I remember happier times. There had been a time when I had called her by my last name. It was small things like that that made me wish for the old days. I continued to smile though and I trotted off to her closet while she made herself comfortable in the bed. I found an old long sleeve tee shirt hanging in the back of the closet that appeared that it was about five sizes too big for Nikki. I slipped on the shirt, with my bra on, and I pulled the boxers off. I only buttoned the shirt half way, exposing most of the front of my bra but my panties remained covered. If she wanted to play hardball then I could too. I fluttered out of the closet and I showed off my new attire. My poor Nikki's jaw almost hit the ground.

"What's wrong, cara? I thought you would like it. You wanted to . . . How did you put it? Oh yeah. 'See the goods.' Right?" I laughed and got into the bed next to her.

"What were you thinking about?" She asked after we both got comfortable in the bed. "Right before you went into the closet, I saw a sad look on your face. What were you thinking of?"

She knew me too well. It was almost unfair. I could never have a private thought or emotion with Nikki around. I loved it. But the memories still hurt. "I called you Ms. Martinez." I murmured. "There was a time when I called you by a different name."

"Don't get all sentimental now. I remember that we were about ten minutes away from getting drunken tattoos that one night." Nikki giggled a bit but I could sense the pain in her voice. "Do you remember what I was going to get?"

"Of course I do." I laughed. Part of me wished she had actually gotten it. "You were going to get my last name on your hip."

"Yes, I was." Nikki whispered into the dark. I could tell that she was thinking of our past.

"Sometimes I wish you would've." I told her as I turned onto my side to face her. The soft moonlight entering the room through the window lit up her face in the most sensual way I had ever seen. "I kind of used to wish that you were marked with my name for everyone to see."

I got another laugh from my gorgeous ex. Just looking at her took my breath away just like it always had. Unperturbed she continued talking, "You know, no one would be able to see it unless they got really close."

"I know." I told her gently. "But that's kind of what I wanted. I wanted every woman who got that close to you to know that you belonged to me." I couldn't believe that I had just told her that. Thankfully she didn't say anything about it.

"What about you? You never got my name on you. That wouldn't have been exactly fair." she was trying to make a joke but she was wrong. Oh so wrong.

I hopped up from the bed and turned the light on. Nikki looked at me quizzically when I walked around the bed and I stood in front of her. She really looked confused when I hooked my fingers in the waistband of my panties and I wiggled them down a bit.

"Relax cara." I laughed. I pulled one edge of my panties down and I showed her the tattoo that had lived there for the last three years. "I got this the night before our last fight. It was a surprise for you but I never got to show you. I could never bring myself to get it covered up. Not even when I got married."

I flinched a bit when Nikki reached out to touch the tattoo. Her finger traced the cursive letters. The words Mrs. Martinez were permanently marked on my right hip inside a heart.

"I can't believe you never told me." she whispered as her finger lingered a bit longer than necessary.

"Everyone I have been with since I left has known that my heart belongs to you." I grasped her hand and kissed it before I hopped back into the bed. There was an odd silence for a few moments before she spoke.

"You left me." She muttered. As if I hadn't remembered. It was my greatest regret by far. "It isn't fair for you to come and show that and pretend like nothing happened. You broke my heart."

"I know." was the only intelligible reply I could come up with.

"What did you do after you left? ... Besides get married." she asked. I saw her wipe at her face and I imagine she was wiping at her tears.

"I ran, for a long time. I actually drove straight to New York as soon as I left here. Then I hopped on a plane and went to Italy. I worked for a bit there. Americans always fuck up and need an America attorney so that was easy enough. Then I found Robby. He was vacationing in Italy and I helped him out of some trouble. I came back to the states after that and we were only married for a few weeks before I got Daddy to annul it. I went back to Italy after that up until a few days ago. Then I came back. Not a lot to tell really."

"What made you finally come back?" I knew that had been where she had been going with her line of questioning all long.

"I was with a girl." I said reluctantly. I didn't want to go into detail but I knew I had to. "An Italian girl. She was gorgeous kind of like you but not quite as beautiful. Long black hair, bluish green eyes, again kind of like you but not quite. We were kind of dating, or at least she thought so. I had taken her back to my place and we... you know. Then after when we were lying in bed she asked me who you were. I guess I had called her by your name while she was ummm... well you know. I told her that you were the love of my life, I didn't hesitate or even pause. She got all angry and stormed off but I was left with an empty feeling like I have had every time I have slept with someone other than you. This girl was the last straw. I had to see you again and see if I had been wrong. To see if Roxy had been wrong. I came back for you... and for me. I had to know."

"We had always wanted to go to Italy together." She told me in a hushed voice. It was almost like she had ignored my whole story but I knew better, she just didn't have anything to say about it. I always loved that about her, she never spoke for the hell of it.

"That's why I went. I bought a little house in Sorrento like we always talked about. Right in front of the beach and only about an hour away from Naples. You would love it, cara. It has four bedrooms, two bathrooms a three car garage and it's beautiful." I raved on about the house because sharing it with Nikki had always been my life's dream. I had known her for almost seven years and that had been all we had ever wanted to do. Move to Italy and make love forever. I had done a great job of fucking that up. I would be lucky if she talked to me when the whole fiasco was over, let alone move to Italy with me. I wasn't even going to think about the making love part.

"You seemed to have had all this planned out very well, Tia." She said with a happier smile. "You were going to come back here with promises of sex on an Italian beach to lure me away from the world." I couldn't help but laugh; she was thinking the same thing that I had been. Sex. But then her smile faded and she continued. "You didn't count on Angie did you?"

"Honestly? Not for a second. I never crossed my mind that you might have moved on. I guess I was so arrogant that I thought you would still be waiting for me the way that I was waiting for you."

It hurt me to even say it but it was true. She had moved on. It didn't matter that I was in her bed or that we were talking of our past. She still had a girlfriend and come morning she would still have a girlfriend. It hurt to think about it. But it was my fault for not being prepared. Who the fuck did I think I was? Nikki was gorgeous, smart, funny, talented, and successful. Who wouldn't fall in love with her? It was my fault for pretending that she could never have feelings for anyone else.

"I had to move on. I was convinced that you never loved me. In reality it saved me a lot of heartache. It is easy to accept being left by someone who didn't care but to think that someone who loved you could possibly leave you is just..." she didn't have a word to finish her sentence and I understood. I hated myself for doing it and I was surprised she didn't hate me too. I asked her why she didn't. "I could never hate you. I loved you so much. You were everything to me and even though you left those feelings didn't just disappear with you. They are still there somewhat."

"So I might have a chance?" I asked with far too much hope.

"We'll see." she replied as she cuddled against my flat stomach. I could've jumped for joy but instead tears of happiness streamed down my face. Maybe I did have a chance. And if that was true then nothing would stand in my way. Nothing and no one. I had to get her back. I just had to.

I woke up the next morning lying on my side with Nikki's back pressed firmly against my chest. My hand had made its way into her shirt and I had a hand snuggly placed on one of her breasts. Fearing her reaction, I snatched my hand out but my sudden movement woke her up. Her shirt was resting above her breasts as she stared at me. I had done that.

"Shit!" I cursed quietly. "Look, cara, I didn't mean to do that. I wasn't trying to..."

"Calm down, Tia." She giggled as she pulled her shirt back down over her perfect tits. "You did it late last night. We were snuggling and I think you were dreaming. You mumbled something about how much you love me then you put your hand in my shirt like you used to. I saw that you were sleeping. I didn't get mad. I just left you alone."

"You let me grope you all night long?" I raised an eyebrow and waited for an answer. When we had been together, I slept with my hand on her breasts every night. She would cuddle her back against my chest and I would wrap my arm around her fabulous tits. But there had to be a reason why she let me do it now without trying to stop me.

"I was going to stop you... but it felt good to pretend that things never happened for a little while, you know? I just imagined what would've happened if you had never left." She shrugged away a hint of a frown and then smiled. "Some things just don't change, huh? You still like playing with a girl's nipples while you sleep. I bet your Italian girlfriends love that."